Oh yeah, SNL, if you want to post here, go aheadh. What I am saying is what I heard today from my lawyer today. REALITY has hit me hard. Too bad, we married with love, and I still love you some, just am so appalled about todays proceedings at the office. You know, you will do just fine. And now I know you don't care what happens to me. Goodbye SNL.

Faith4me,

I see you saying that you know SNL does not care for you. Which 'may' be true but dear, what about those that do care for U? Are you willing to give them that pain also?

You have legal rights with dealing with SNL. He wants to live in that AZ house with the OW, well now all of MB knows that even those in AZ. Think he will be able to walk down any street without one day bumping into someone who knows?!?!? No. He will live always having to look over his shoulder .....wondering...... 'do my neighors really know what I have done to my real family and that I am now living a sham?'

The GUILT??? SNL has not begun to feel the guilt yet.... it will come.

The point here is Faith4me, you have to move forward with or without SNL. SNL you know better than this but something is pulling you 'ike a bull to the slaughter'(not my words mind you, someone much higher) and you just can't stop, can U? Ok, well than at least give all you can to your family and walk away pitiless and penniless, like before you got married. At least give you family all you can so that you can hold your head up high for that. Let the OW meet all your needs SNL. Let her pay your bills and mortgage. Have her buy out the house and you become in debit to the OW but don't make your family suffer because you want to go and play.

Come on SNL you know this game. You called my H a jerk for his foolish ways.....remember????? You were right he was a jerk at that time and for a while after...... But who is being jerk like now?

Who would you let take you for the ride you have taken your W and family on? Who? Let us know so we can send the rest of the jerko WS' to them also. I certainly did not like nor deserve the treatment I got the past 2 years due to the A, neither does your family.

Now to you Faith4me, you go and take care of you and remember who cares for you. Alright?!?!?! NO more of this ending life talk...... STOP IT!

SNL, remember every time you look in the mirror, you will see the reflection of the man who is done what for his family...... left them with good thoughts or bad? Now that is up to U!

L.

Hi Faith4me,

I only have a little time now. I will try very hard to come back later and post to you specifically about your last couple posts.

Faith4me, please listen to this closely....

Some of your words are the same but YOU are different already. Even though you are still using some of the same words you have used in the last month, there is a STRENGTH in you that is starting to show through!

This probably makes no sense to you right now, and I highly doubt that you can see this for yourself yet. Just believe me for right now ok? That strength is there Faith4me, and there will come a time when you will recognize it too. Notice that I have never said that to you before--not once--in this past month. I couldn't. I CAN NOW!!

I will come back and post when I can. I have a couple tidbits for you to consider discussing with your attorney but I don't think it's a good idea to post it here in case snl is still reading. Is there an email address I can write to? If you don't want to post your email address, or if snl has access to your email account, is there a trusted friend who would allow me to send it to you through their account?

Faith4me, you can be ok. Not only can you be ok, you just might be on your way to great! It's time to take the next step--time to learn how to wrap up a pity party in a way that moves you forward with renewed energy and focus and determination! I will come back and post some of it to help you get started.

Note--Take a closer look at the "Wise Ones" on these boards. They got to that status because of how they dealt with, recovered from, and healed from some really terrible situations. You can too! Did you see Pepper's post in another thread that referred to something that I think she called her "hysterical gestures"? We know Pepper from her posts in the present--it's hard to imagine that she didn't always have what she has now. I almost asked her to relate some Old Pepper Stories that would illustrate what she said (just for fun and a laugh). I would bet a paycheck that her wisdom and good life has been hard earned.

Faith4me, you just might be another "Wise One" in training. There are some things I am starting to see in you that gives me this thought. The beauty of that is that it would fit in nicely with your giving nature, and could be one of the good things that you make come out of this terrible situation. But that is in the future--now it's time to learn how to deal with the present in ways that will bring you to the future you want for yourself. Ready? Just say the word and I'll help in the little way that I can.

Take care Faith4me, take extra care, you need it and you deserve it!

Orchid I will call you tonight. I am desperate and Yet - here is my e-mail. Tazziblack@hotmail.com. There are some things that I just talked to SNL about. I am so mixed up and so confused. I now know I hate the legal system, and from now on I am going to try to deal with things with my gut feelings. I know that SNL is not that bad guy that the lawyers stated to me yesterday. I know now, at least I think I know (heck I don't know) there is no trust in SNL. Because of what he has done, actions, and cancellations of insurances, and etc. I told him today, that the trust is not there.

Anyways, Yet, tell me what you have to say. And Orchid I will call you. I went to a seminar today, sat next to a very nice woman, and we hit it off on talking. One of the other women at the table asked if we came together. I said, no. Just started talking, and she helped me and I helped her. But she offered me some advice on the nursing field.

All for now, I am going to take a hot bubble bath, and chill out. I am so scared, and just like a cat, caged and trying to scratch my way out of the cage. Talk to you later. Thanks

Faith4me,

After talking to snl you are deperate.

After talking to snl you are mixed up and confused.

After talking to snl you "know" he is not the person your attorney stated him as.

After talking to snl you are doubting that he is untrustworthy in the present.

These are all usual results from talking to snl. Are you happy with these results? If you're not, then you must change the behavior that causes them.

Take care Faith4me

P.S. I'm not saying that snl is a bad guy, but he is lost right now. Save yourself. He will get worse and more lost before he gets better--if he ever does find his way again. Save yourself. If you don't save yourself, you will be of no help to snl if he ever wants to find his way again. Save yourself Faith4me, it's the only thing you can do now.

Faith4me, I will be praying for you. I also have felt desperate and have thought it would be easier to be dead, but that is not true. Don't give up on yourself, people do care about you. I have read yours and snl's posts from time to time and can feel the pain of what you are going thru. It is so hard to be betrayed after being married for so long and feel that person is a stranger, but we do have to go on, alone or with the one we love. Whatever happens God does love us and want the best for us, all of us, even the WS, tho they can't see that now, and if they never do that is up to them not our responsibility. If you want to e-mail me any time I will give you my e-mail or I will e-mail you, I notice you gave yours to Orchid, if you don't mind. Stay strong and try to rest. Hugs to you, L.

daybyday & Yet - yes here is my e=mail.
Tazziblack@hotmail.com. I am so confused right now. Need to get some sleep, didn't sleep hardly last night. I will talk to Orchid tomorrow night. I just need to get some sleep, the pills are working now. Goodnight.

Hi Faith4me,

How are you doing? I haven't heard from you today and was just wondering.

Here is my addy: MBOrchid@hotmail.com

I will check it tomorrow.

take care,
L.

Faith4me,

I was wondering how you are doing also.

If you haven't, please make contact with someone--you don't have to go through this alone.

I hope you found comfort and strength at church today.

Keep on your recovery plan ok? Now is the time that it's most important.

How is your new cell group going? Has your new support group started up yet? It will be nice to make some new friends, won't it?

Take care Faith4me--and please let us know how you're doing and, if you want, let us know what you're doing that you're finding is helpful to you right now ok?

Hi faith4me,

Still following your story after all this time. I see the situation has not improved much, but believe it or not YOU have. You are showing glimpses of that strong woman you are, that intelligence is beginning to peek out again, and you are beginning to realise that just because SNL gave you the impression you were not a good person, that doesn't matter because others DO think you are....ie the lady at the seminar. She liked you right away, right? Take it from a gut-feeling person......you are either liked right away because you are a good person, or people treat you warily. You seem like you are showing people your GOOD PERSON again.

Okay, I too had a control freak for a man (X now in case you missed it). But I am strong now, and I do not talk to him about finances or anything else where he may get to throw his weight or opinion about me around. I do a Plan B on him BIG TIME. He doesn't like it, but tough for him. TOUGH! This is about taking care of ourselves honey, and if that means completely blanking him out while you and your lawyers deal with that stuff, then so be it.

What have I learned from this approach? I thought my X would hate me even more, but instead he tells me he respects me more than he ever did. He doesn't like some of the things I do, like arranging the removal of his belongings from my house to be put into storage.....but he now sees a woman who will NOT be walked over, even in the face of great pain.

Doing these things has strengthened me. Contact with him was like having a leech on my emotions. I didn't trust myself NOT to be a doormat and just let him have everything he asked for. And that is why Plan B works for me. I admittedly had to see him and talk to him over Christmas, but except for one big fight about his stuff at my house, it went okay....sorta.

You need to break out from under his control, honey, and the only way to do it with a guy like him is with a FULL and STRICT Plan B. Don't LISTEN to his reasons as to why he MUST see you, be at the house etc. This is just his controlling side taking over, and it will only make YOU feel bad in the end. If his work is there, tell him to come collect it and then leave it out on the porch. Change the locks. Declare the house as YOUR home, not HIS any more, and let him face the consequences of his actions. If he wants to talk houses and finance, tell him what I told my X, talk to my lawyer. And make sure your lawyer knows EXACTLY what YOU want out of this and get him/her to FIGHT for it. You are PAYING them to fight for you!

I can guarantee that once the initial pain of giving up the habit of being with SNL passes, you will realise that you are better off without this negative influence in your life. It is time to get tough, faith, and I really hope you do.

No, not very MB of me, I know, but MB NEVER advocates staying in an abusive marriage. There are all kinds of abuse, and I think SNL is an abuser to YOU faith....I know you know it too. It is time to stop the cycle.

Love and healing light,

Jacky

I didn't go to church yesterday. My oldest daughter asked me if I would like to go to the Auto Show at Cobo Hall, Sunday? I said yes, and the boys didn't want to go. So we went, talked quite a bit, I am helping her with a project she wants to do. The auto show was really nice, crowded. Saw Lamberginni (spell?), Ferrari, HummerII, saw some vehicles I would really like, small SUV's, economical, and quite nice. Saw the 4 wheel motorcycle they have out, quite unique. And the cars of the future.

So many different people, nationalities, some rude some kind. We were taking pictures of the Lamberginni, and this India guy was taking a photo, daughter and I were making sure we weren't in his photoview. This American waited a few seconds, and then went to the rail, and the India guy said sir I am trying to take a picture, the American said, you had your time, RUDE!. That shows who has compassion for others, and who is a JERK!!! When the guy left, I stood in that spot, and then the gentlemen was able to take his picture. So he is slow in adjusting his camera, so what!! Where is the compassion in this world???
The Jeep company setup that they did was really the most challenging. They had a floor that was moving from side to side, front to back, and was raising and lowering. They had a jeep that was climbing a mountain, alomost vertical. One had the front wheels on a hill, and the back on a hill, and you could walk underneath it to look at the chassis. With the artistic look, I liked it the best. They had eagles, birds, scrub grass, flowers that grew in the hills. It was really nice. When you went to the cadillac, the carpet took on a different luxurious softness. That was the ifrst thing my daughter and I noticed. The carpet was so soft and squishy.

Then we started home, and we went to eat at really neat restuarant. I don't eat much, so we split the food. And had one drink between us. It was very good. The atmosphere was nice, the waitress was wonderful. And the meal was great. WE talked about men, relationships, and nothing about me and SNL. Nothing.

She said she would pay for dinner, but I said no. This is my treat, I can't afford much, but I enjoyed the day and I enjoyed being out with her. So I said, let mom pay for the meal. I paid for both of us into the auto show too.

Came home and chilled out, on the couch and the one son and I was watching a funny movie on TV. I had the bird on my chest, laying on the couch. And she likes to roost there, I pet her, croon her head and neck. She is now starting to lay on her side. I am going to see if I can get her relaxed enough sometime to see if she will roll on her back. Shows trust, and relaxation.

SNL came over. He went in to the kitchen to watch TV there. Didn't talk much at all. He talked to the oldest daughter. And I don't know who else. He basically, ate some food here, I didn't make anything, but had frozen pizzas in the freezer, and my youngest son had friends over to play warhammer. So the boys were making pizza. And SNL brought over a case of Pepsi. So the boys drank that. Anyways, he went home said a few words and that was it.

I went to bed after the movie, and had a terrible time sleeping again. This shoulder I think from walking around, hurt terribly last night. Just couldn't get comfy, and the throbbing. Got up took some tylenol, and I think I feel asleep around 3am. Up,now, sore, shoulder really sore. Hurting big time. I am almost sure it was all that walking around. It felt good at the time, but now it hurts. I see the Dr. tomorrow, and am going to discuss the failure I feel of healing properly.

There is more to tell, but am running out of time. Need to go to physical therapy.

Also, Orchid, I couldn't find your #. I know I gave your # to SNL, cause he wanted it. And I have it on a post card, and must of laid it somewhere, after giving it to him. More of the disorganization of my mind. Normally I am organized, but the last 2-3 years, I have seen such a difference on staying focused. So sorry didn't call. Did SNL call you? He wanted to talk to you?

Will write when I get back. More to say, and am totally confused now. Thanks to all of you. Just okay today, not good, just okay. With what I have to tell you, you can maybe help me. Bye for now.

<small>[ January 20, 2003, 04:34 PM: Message edited by: Nina too ]</small>

Okay here goes. First SNL wanted me to say what he read on my post to clarify, that while he was here yesterday, that he did fix the humidifier. Which he thought he did. And we woke up this morning, being 52 degrees in the house. So I called SNL, this morning and told him about the furnace being off. I tried to reset the furnace, but nothing. He found the humidifer can't run on same circuit as furnace. So he ran an extension cord, at least that is what he told me. Anyways that is the one correction that I needed to say.

He was here this morning when I got back from massomassology. He was working on furnace and humidifer. I started making breakfast for my 16 year old boy and his friends. He had 3 friends spend the night. So I made eggs and toast, and gave them all sliced apples on their plates, and hot chocolate. I asked SNL if he would like to eat and he said he would like some too.

We met Friday, and like I stated earlier. Things look ugly. Anyways, I will just say that my lawyer seems to be using me. I feel SNL is using me. SNL told me that my lawyer told his lawyer that I am expecting too much. I am only stating what my lawyer said I could ask for. I am so confused, and no longer trust anyone. Thank you.

Hi Faith4me,

Glad you had a nice time with your daughter. As for your lawyer using you, is it based on SNL's rendition?

Glad your humidifer was fixed (temporary or permanent?).

I will try to e-mail you with my phone #s tonight.

take care,
L.

Hi Faith4me,

I hope you will not be offended by this. Remember when I mentioned that you and I are alike in some ways and that snl and my FWH are alike in some ways? So, this will be part projection of my own stuff--part, but I don't believe all. Feel free to disregard or skip reading altogether.

Faith4me, every time you post snl's view at his insistence (and possible bullying?) I skim through it until I get to YOUR part of the post again. Why? Because this is YOUR thread, YOUR post, YOUR recovery, YOURS!, YOURS!!, YOURS!!!

I don't care what snl wants us to know on YOUR thread. If it was that important he would post himself FOR himself on his own thread. If I could help him there I would. It annoys me that you allow him to intrude on your threads and even type it for him yourself. I hate it that every time you start making any kind of progress in taking care of yourself it goes back to "all about snl" and Faith4me forgets about Faith4me.

So, snl wants credit? Isn't this the same furnace that hasn't worked right in the past? Isn't this the same broken humidifier? Isn't this snl's business and his supposed area of expertise? Fine snl, here's your credit and your pat on the head--nice job for hooking up an extension cord so the faulty furnace would get by another day. Do you want a cookie too? Personally, I would have called a repairman and given you the bill! I hope you appreciate that Faith4me saved you the embarrassment of someone else in your line of work seeing the condition of your family's furnace. I know you have a WS attitude snl, but really! snl, aren't you tired of this yet? Whether or not you want your marriage, don't you want yourself? Don't you want to be your best you? Don't you want your children to be proud of you and follow your good example for manhood? You deserve that snl, and so do they. You know this forum will be here for you if you ever decide to change your path.

Faith4me, if I offended you please let me know ok?

I'm glad that you got to have a nice day with your daughter. It's nice to get a break, isn't it? I hope your dr will be able to adjust your physical recovery plan and that it will bring you closer to complete recovery sooner.

Take care Faith4me

Yet again - THANKS.

The Dr. said it is inflammation, and spasms that is causing me so much pain, and suffering. Gave me new anti-inflammatories. I have such a sensitive stomach now, and the pills are causing stomach upsets and eating just is not easy now. So I have a new anti-inflammatory = VIOX. I am to continue with the spasm pills and massomasolgy and physical therapy. Also,icing, and traction at home. He said it will be 6 months - 1 year for complete recovery. Also, my emotional status is causing healing to go slow.

I felt sorry for my husband at the Doctors office. The doctor got on his case about not paying the bill, and not getting health insurance. It upset me to the degree I started crying. The psychoologist and I talked about this and disected the feelings I had for my husband. I still feel sorry for him, and wish I was able to hold him and tell him that I love him. But there is no use. He wouldn't accept it, and it wouldn't mean anything to him. So I cried to my psychologist, and talked.

I saw my psychologist today, and we had a good session. Made 2 lists, 1st was things that SNL said, that I feel are not true about myself. And the 2nd list is things that I think are true about myself. Was interesting to see that the 2nd was much harder to do.

He feels that once the divorce is final, that my healing process will start rolling along. Just now there is so much anger, and angst between us.

Came home and didn't make dinner today. Just not in the mood. Kids all found something to eat, which they should. I talked to my lawyers this afternoon. WE are going to go for settlement Thursday, and get this over with. I still am so sad, and depressed. This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I feel down and just like I am no good. Told the psychologist that today. But he stated you are good, and you need to do the exercises he told me to do 4 or 5 times a day.

Psycologically, I feel lost, alone, lonely, miserable, and a failure. It is true that I feel this way. But that is the difference between a compassionate person, who cares about people, and a selfish person.

Just one more day, and I will be a divorced woman, just ugly ain't it? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

My life has taken a course of so many tears, pain, sorrow, and loss. Lost my husband, my father, my identity, my heart is split in two. My heart bleeds, and seems to just keep dripping blood.

Now I need to try and get things sold, and get things packed to move on. Took all the pictures of family down, just put the kids up. And trying to downsize things on walls, and things period.

Would like to try Yoga. Psychologist suggested it. I have some videos, that a friend gave me. I think I will get those out, and try to make a schedule of doing these things for myself. Also, need to find a new hairdresser. The one I had, is injured and unable to cut hair. That is what I am going to do, on an erase board, put the things down that I want to accomplish per day. Yoga, psychology homework, read, and things that are for me. I need to concentrate on myself and my kids.

Thanks again, Yet. F4me

upset tummy with vioxx--
It may help you to take mylanta along with it but call your Dr. or pharmacist 1st to make sure it won't interfere with absorption.

Hi Faith4me,

That's wonderful that your dr is predicting COMPLETE recovery for your shoulder!! Your emotional status will steadily improve also as you keep with your recovery plan for the other issues in your life. Has that one group therapy started yet? I agree with your therapist--"He feels that once the divorce is final, that my healing process will start rolling along."

You said:
"WE are going to go for settlement Thursday, and get this over with. I still am so sad, and depressed. This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life."

The support network you are forming (church cell group, group therapy, etc) will help you go through this in ways that benefit you and your life. It will be hard but it will get better as you take each healing step along the way.

You said:
"Psycologically, I feel lost, alone, lonely, miserable, and a failure. It is true that I feel this way. But that is the difference between a compassionate person, who cares about people, and a selfish person."

Another difference is that what you can FEEL you can HEAL (selfish people usually don't take advantage of healing opportunities--usually it is the strong and courageous who do).

You said:
"Just one more day, and I will be a divorced woman, just ugly ain't it?"

It doesn't have to be ugly. You can continue to make progress on eliminating LBs to snl. Your children and future grandchildren will benefit from that in so many ways. A future husband would probably admire you for it too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

You said:
"My heart bleeds, and seems to just keep dripping blood."

This will lessen and start healing as you spend more time with your recovery plan and less time with snl's issues, manipulation, and interference. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is to quit being their scapegoat so that they have the opportunity to face their own issues while we are recovering and healing ours.

Take care Faith4me, take extra care for a while

P.S. "That is what I am going to do, on an erase board, put the things down that I want to accomplish per day" This is the best idea I've heard in a long time! Why didn't I think of that a looooong time ago? Paper lists make me overwhelmed and nutty. Thanks for the idea! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hi f4me,

I just sent you an e-mail. Sorry I missed your call. Explained more in the e-mail.

I like your list idea....... hm...... I have one of those erase boards in my office, but the to do list is way to long and others always want to add to it... LOL!!!

Will chat later.

L..

The love busting is still between us. Ask SNL, just the night before, I was called the FB how many times. Over the statement that I can claim our youngest son on my income taxes, and he wants to cause he will get more money and then give me my share. I said, I don't trust him. And I don't. He has not shown me the trust that is needed to say, yes what you are saying is true and I agree. I have not seen this trust. But I am expected to trust a man whom I married when I get disrespect? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

There is love busting between the two of us. These are really hard times, and the tension between us is enormous.

My van is in the shop again. Just got it out after 2 days in the shop last week. So I have asked my mother to go to court with me tomorrow. One = for her vehicle, and one for support. SNL was not happy to hear that today. He Said, why take her, she is part of the problem. I said, cause you won't be there for me. You won't be supportive to me, you won't be there to hear me cry, you won't be there to hold me, you won't be there to just let me die. I said, I need moral support, compassion, I need someone who will be there for me emotionally and hold me and I know that holding me is for real, not fake. He said, take our oldest daughter. I said no, lawyers said the kids should not go. This is hard enough for them, they don't need to see anymore. It would cause a lot of emotional pain for them.

So my mother is going to go, cause I don't want to be in the same vehicle with SNL. If he seemed to beable to show compassion, maybe, but I don't feel safe with him. Especially after the court issue, I can imagine him sitting there in his seat saying to himself on the way home. YES, YES, I am free, and as soon as we get to my house, he lets me get out of the vehicle, and he says, GOOD RIDIENCE!!!

There was an incidence with my Dr. and SNL yesterday. Won't comment anymore on what happened. But I cried for SNL, I cried for the words he heard. He didn't understand why I didn't come out of the room right away. I was so shaken up and almost passed out. That is why they took me back to the room, and laid me on the examining table. I was shaking so bad and hyperventilating. I love and care about SNL so much, that I took all the emotional pain and let it get me down. It is a shame SNL does not believe the love I have for him.

No I am not in the group sessions. That doesn't start until next month. I am thinking of staying in a hotel the night of the session, instead of coming home. It goes on for 12 weeks. So I don't know if I can afford it. But it is a long ways, and I was told it is valuable information, and helping to get the emotional bonadage out. So I thought that I might stay in the hotel and come home the next morning. Just something more to think about.

For the next 3 months, I will just be going to physical therapy, massomassology, counseling with Dave, counseling with Carmen, and counseling in a group. This person, ME, is truly messed up. AND taking drugs. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Don't know if VIOX is going to cause stomach problems. Just got the medication yesterday. I didn't take one last night, the other meds made me feel funny. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> But am going to take one tonight to reduce the inflmmation. My physcial therapist worked hard on my scapala and neck area. Is quite sore tonight.

Well write again tomorrow, on how the court session went. Oh well, it is actually going to be here tomorrow. WEll, God, I hope you are there with me, help me to not cry, help me to stand strong and fight for my life. Please God, just help me.!!!