By the way, he left this afternoon "happy as a lark" so he must have had plans to be with her. YUCK! I hate it when he does that-like going out on a date. I'm supposed to sit home and keep the home fires burning, have dinner ready when he comes homeetc.

I did have a nice chat with him about the Surprise Birthday party I threw for his 40th. He had to acknowledge how great it was and that he knew that I loved him then. He said "How did we get so off track after that?" I told him that the reasons were varied and gave hime some including my job stress, depression, taking him for granted. He seemed to listen. I told him that I plan to hold on to trying to get us back. He tends to talk about our relationship in the past tense. I keep trying to help him understand that there can be a future.

Have to fasten my seatbelt. No wonder what he will be like this evening!

<small>[ January 19, 2003, 03:54 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

OK so back rub won't work. Too bad, it's a great way to soothe and to be affectionate without necessarily getting sexual.

Hi All:

I am having a terrible night. I'm struggling not to LB. I probably already did. I know my WS was with her to day! Then, he has the audacity to call me to pleasantly tell me when he will be home. I don't get this! Why is he being more considerate of me now that I caught him with her? Does he think a telephone call is enough for me?

I LBed by asking him where he was today. He ignored me totally; didn't even answer. I also asked him where we stand. He said I don't know. I feel like I need to know in which direction he is going. I need some closure.

Remember just Thursday night he said "I know how to be nice to people". I asked him if that is what he is doing and he repeated "I know how to be nice." I said, "but I'm not people I am your wife." I know, screwed up, but I'm feeling a lot of pain. I may not be able to make it through this PLAN A if he continues this cake-walk. He has the MB stuff open on the dresser but has not done anything with it.

I talk to Steve tomorrow. Hopefully he can help me. I can't figure out what is going on with my "nice" WH.

Mimi,
He will cakewalk for a while. You have to keep showing him your changes and then you are going to put your foot down and say no more. That's Plan B. You will say OW can have you, I don't want to live with a liar and a cheater. Get your apartment and move out. You have to make your choice and live with it because this is unfair to everyone involved. So that day will be coming but don't rush it.

He might see her, but the fact that he is calling you (when he didn't used to) is GOOD. Give him positive reinforcement for that. I don't know about the "I know how to be nice to people" comment. It may have to do with OW telling him he's fabulous to her, whereas you are expressing to him the pain he is causing you. One response could be to bring up a memory of a time when he really was nice to you (preOW) and say, Yes I know, remember our vacation in XXX or when you did XXX for me?

How long has your Plan A been going on for?

Regards your sons, do they know that your H is having an A? Get Steve's advice, but I think it might be important to have a talk with both boys. Tell them Dad is going through a rough time right now, you know he's acting difficult but the family has to stand by him right now. Just like parents can't abandon kids who act up, the family can't abandon Dad right now when he's acting up. Tell your sons you are following a plan right now and you want the family and marriage to survive. Remind them that they will both be growing up and moving on and you don't want them to be worrying about their divorced mother- you need to try to see if your marriage can work out.

Re: the SATS Ask Steve's advice. Don't get in the middle of fights between your H and your son.

You could tell your son- Dad isn't being diplomatic, but he's coming from concern about your future and he's worried and wants the best for you. Son can feel criticized or son can think- hey maybe I could try again and shoot for 1200s on my SATS. Maybe Dad has a point that that would be a good score to get if I could. Is there a possibility to take the test again, get tutoring, study a little harder and improve the score?

YES your WH is not approaching son in the right way- but his concern is not completely invalid. If son could acknowledge his Dad's concern, that would help. Also, bring WH into it. "WH, you make an excellent point about son bringing his SAT scores up. He is a smart kid and could shoot higher, but test taking can be hard with all those trick questions. Do you have any ideas for how we can help?" Maybe WH would pay for a Kaplan course, maybe he'd help tutor son from a study guide. Maybe this could be a family project! try to motivate son to take test again and show those SAT test creators what he's made of. Turn it into the family vs. the evil SAT test creators!

Good that he will do the family stuff. Yeah, he may pull a long face. But he's there, and he's got to imagine how people will feel if he leaves you and tries to show up with OW. Try to keep getting him to go to those kinds of events- and try to have a good time at them.

I made my FWH go to some events with me post Dday. The best was a wedding. The bride's previous H has left her and married the OW who he'd gotten pregnant. She went through hell. 4 years later the bride was remarrying a wonderful guy. She went through a huge amount of pain and survived and came out on top.

Keep trying to get him out on a date. What does your H enjoy/like to do?

UPDATE:

I'm now a believer in antidepressants. I did not take mine yesterday. I ended up crying almost ALL NIGHT. Everytime that I woke up in the bed beside my WS I would begin to sob. It all just started to come down on me what has happened. When morning came, I woke up and went for a drive for about an hour. I just had to get out the house before I said the words that were behind my tears. Guess what? When I got home, my WS met me at the door saying that he was going to fill out the questionnaires and talk to Steve.

Then, I had my session with Steve. It was AWESOME. He was so utterly helpful. He more specifically outlined my PLAN A. He gave me the RULES that I am to follow to make my WS fall in love with me again. They are to ALWAYS include him in any household/childrearing decisions and to NEVER TOLERATE disrespect from my children under any circumstances. These issues are extremely important to my WS as those of you that have been following my story know. He said that my family has a lot of WOUNDS IN NEED OF HEALING and that I need to take it slow and work on one thing at a time. Just like WAT says, time seems to be on my side. One of his most helpful communications which I will pass on to others is: We need rules to be in charge of our emotions; emotions will tell us to do the wrong thing. My last assignment was to go over this info. from the session with my WS.

Another important point was that we cannot expect our spouses to TELL us what they NEED. We NEED to anticipate and find out what is wanted through trial and error. That's why they fell in love with us in the first place. We knew just what to do.

So I'm working on MY PLAN as Steve calls it. Well, this went over wonderfully to my WS. He really seemed to feel that I have an understanding of the some of the important issues which led him into the A. To really make him a believer, I have to continue to implement the RULES.

Steve further indicated that he thinks that my WS is trying to end the affair on his own, in his own way and is going through WITHDRAWAL from his addiction. He believes that D-Day made him come to the realization that this is a problem that he has to deal with and he was putting it off. Steve said that he just MIGHT be able to do it on his own. He sees my WS as a person who likes to do things in his own way and has been successful in his life with this approach. He sees my WS as finding it especially difficult to share his personal problems and feelings with others.

Steve sees the anger as reflective of the addiction, the fog....

So all of us, including my sons, will be working on being respectful and working as a team. We have a long way to go and we're still on the rollercoaster ride but for right now PLAN A is working.

Oh Mimi, I am so sorry about your horrible night. Maybe it was good in the sense that your H got to see the pain he has inflicted upon you. What a terrible time you are going through.

Your session with Steve does sound very hopeful and it sounds like you are on the right track. What did he think about your H bullying your 16 year old? Did he have a way to resolve this? I think Steve is a wonderful counselor and very adept in evaluating situations. I think its great that you are counseling with him.

The answer to the bullying is for me to attend to the RESPECT issue. The more RESPECTFUL my son acts and the more I not TOLERATE disrespectfulness, the more LOVE UNITS my WS will receive, meeting an important EN of his. I'm not sure exactly what NEED it is ADMIRATION AND/OR EMOTIONAL SUPPORT.

Also, he thinks the ranting that my WS does is part of his addiction. I have explained to my son that his father is having some problems right now and we will have to bear him for awhile. They got along well all day today for the first time in a long time.

Yes I was really hurting deeply last night. I felt major hurt for the first time. My WS did seem sensitive to it. I just couldn't help it. It felt crazy.

My heart is beating fast. I'm not gonna read it but will share..I found some of my EARLIEST POSTS...

MY HUSBAND is NOTHING like this anymore..and neither am I...

Almost 4 years from TODAY...

READ THE JANUARY 20, 2003 post on my session with STEVE.

MY HUSBAND HAS FALLEN IN LOVE WITH ME AGAIN !!!!