For the past month, I have been in a relationship with a married man of nine years. We first met online, developed a strong emotional tie, and only when we decided to meet did he reveal his marriage. However, I let his justifications of escaping the binding chains of our Christian upbringing, experiencing the freedom of our minds, love, and transcendence we could offer one another persuade me into meeting anyway.

The moments we're together are simply surreal and inspiring, full of conversation of art, literature, wine, music. He argues I'm his muse, that I'm helping his marriage by impassioning him and kindling the love for his wife. He says it's a journey, that we have so much to give each other, and that foreign cultures have the right idea by condoning the idea of taking a lover due to the fact that serial monogamy contributes to a 53% divorce rate.

It feels so honest and beautiful, both of us meeting each others' needs.

But I know it's wrong, and I must stop. He has a beautiful wife, 2.5 year and 1 month old at home. She deserves more than this, as do I. This is his second affair, third attempted. He's constantly scouring for someone to meet his emotional needs.

My question is this: I'm very tempted to write his wife a long letter divulging everything to her and apologizing for my selfishness. I don't know if this is the best thing, however. The thought of him continuing wrap himself and his family in lies while pursuing his horribly selfish, idolatrous behavior is nauseating. Somehow he thinks the rules don't apply; after all, they're merely the constructs of unliberated minds who can't fathom the benefits of taking a lover. Ugh.

Should I tell her?

yes.

and stop seeing him.

Please tell her. She is being harmed behind her back and needs to be warned so she can take steps to protect herself from him. And ask yourself why you continued the affair after you knew he was married. I would also suggest apologizing to her for your part in this affair.

<small>[ February 05, 2003, 04:43 PM: Message edited by: TheCalypso ]</small>

[qb]The moments we're together are simply surreal and inspiring, full of conversation of art, literature, wine, music. He argues I'm his muse, that I'm helping his marriage by impassioning him and kindling the love for his wife. He says it's a journey, that we have so much to give each other, and that foreign cultures have the right idea by.... [qb]

I'm (still) getting fed some similar bull** by my WW basically saying that whilst her A was fully fledged underway, she was *much* better to satisfy *my* needs (yeah, sure), that her relationship with OM was full of music, surreal, bla bla bla. Trust me - it still hurts to hear that litany (and OM's wife will undoubtedly be similarly hurt).

Please tell her.

Run, don't walk away from this relationship.

DO NOT allow yourself to become involved with a married man again.

PLEASE take this advice to heart, innocent people are being hurt... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Would someone please steer me in the direction as to where I can find definitions of the acronyms "WW, FOM, OM, etc.?"

Thank you so much for your responses. It's hard to bear this alone, especially when I'm dealing with all this guilt and feelings of worthlessness, but thank you for encouraging me to do the right thing. So far I've been able to ignore him today.

Z22,

I was TOW (the other woman) in a 10 year A (affair).

I told. I'll post a link to the thread detailing my telling if I can find it.

OW-other woman
om-other man
op-other person
w-wife
h-husband
f-former
ww-wayward wife
wh-wayward husband

Yes, tell. I am not of the opinion that you should give him a week, or even a day, because if he knows you are going to tell, he is likely to tell his wife that he is being stalked by some crazy woman, or something similar (there are stories like that on this board, trust me.) So, end your relationship and state that he should tell his wife. If he disagrees, do not argue or try to persuade him otherwise, just send his wife the letter. Preferably with enough evidence to let her know it is not a fake, because he will almost certainly try to ddeny it and paint you as sick, crazy, jealous, or somehow deluded. Just for your info, he is also likely to tell you that he will not tell her because he does not want to hurt her, (which you know is a crock, since he is pursuing affairs, which most certainly does hurt her). If he agrees to tell her, ask him when he will do it, and send a letter to arrive a few days after the date he gives. If he won't give you a date, just mail the letter. The bottom line is, if you threaten him, and he tells, you are giving him an opportunity to lie to his wife some more, and pretend it was his idea. To avoid that, you need to tell her in the letter that you told him to tell her, or you would. It is still better that he tell (even under threat), but really not much better, so I wouldn't insist on it. The important thing is that she know.

Acronyms

I have to second the thought about his relationship with you: "He argues I'm his muse, that I'm helping his marriage by impassioning him and kindling the love for his wife." being total bullsh*t. Let me relate my experience. My wife was not getting her two most important Emotional Needs (ENs) filled at home, and instead got them filled from another man. She was not in love with him, however, and did not want to leave me. However, when the affair went physical, it was a bit of a wake-up call for her, and she realized that she needed to start investing more in our marriage. Theoretically, you might think that getting more of her important ENs filled would make her healthier and happier, and give her more energy to devote to me and the kids. Well, it doesn't work that way. She did put more effort into our relationship. It was effort that I noticed, but had a hard time appreciating. I can name you several things that improved, including her involvement in our sex life, which was important to me, her interest in and involvement in my share of the domestic responsibilities (I am a stay-at-home-Dad), and she spent less of her time at home working, so was a little more involved w/ me and the kids. So, my relationship with her should have been getting better, right? No. As the three years of her affair went on (unknown to me, at least consciously) I had more and more frequent thoughts of hoping she would die while traveling for work, wanting to have an affair, and wanting to just walk away from our marriage. Why would this be, if things were "improving"? Because, despite the outward apearances, emotionally we were getting farther and farther apart. The dishonesty required while continuing the affair drove a wedge between us than could not be counteracted by the visible efforts at working on things. It was not until she started being honest w/ me that our marrige could really improve. Anyway, as one MC so eloquently put it: Estrangement is the natural consequence of affairs

Another way to put it is that the biggest problem in our realtionship was that my wife was emotionally turned away from me, and we could never deal with that problem until she turned away from the OM, because as long as she faced him, she was not facing me. The second biggest problem in our marriage was that my wife was not getting her most important ENs met by me - but as long as she was getting them met elsewhere, we didn't have to deal with that, and I had no idea what the problems in our marriage were, from her perspective.

<small>[ January 21, 2003, 03:54 PM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

z22, I actully told twice. This is the second time. I'm still searching for the first time. 2nd time I told

The first time I told I sent her a letter. It was a nightmare for me.

The second time was hard but ofr different reasons.

Either way i'm glad that I did it.

I would suggest that before you tell you surrender the idea that she's going to understand why you're telling or where you're coming from.

If you do it, EXAMINE YOUR OWN MOTIVES, do it for you and then let him go.

<small>[ January 21, 2003, 04:01 PM: Message edited by: Katie Scarlett ]</small>

Nick, Katie, Johnh, thank you so much. He's been instant messaging me today, asking if I recently had a religious experience to bring all this to light. I told him that it's best if he tells his wife, and that if he doesn't, I am. He says I don't know the hurt I'd cause; the pain would be enormous -- no healing, just "bitterness forever." "We have a great marriage, only your would mess it up." I told him he's so deceitful it sickens me (I sicken myself also), but he says that's no reason to make his wife and kids suffer. He also says his wife would leave him; she's told him this in the past, apparently. Get this -- he also just admitted to concocting the previous affairs so I would think him experienced. EXPERIENCED? geez. I'm 22. I've had less than a handful of boyfriends, nothing like THIS.

He's pleading with me not to tell her, but to "take it out on him another way."

I'm afraid this IS the way. She needs to know the man she's married to, because he's not magically going to change by keeping this in secrecy.

Funny how I can't trust a man who's been lying to his wife, eh?

Should I call or write her? I'm wondering how likely it will be that he intercepts the mail, for my letter will be postmarked out-of-town. I know his wife's occupation, and was thinking of putting a return address of a group related to her field, but don't know if more lies should be created.

Once again, I need to hear I'm doing the right thing. I feel so guilty and I don't know if I'll feel even more guilty by telling her and causing all this immediate pain.

He at least admitted this wasn't worth it. Boy, does that make me feel special.

IT ISN'T THE TRUTH THAT WILL CAUSE HER PAIN, BUT THE AFFAIR! Living a LIE has never brought anyone happiness. That is NONSENSE. She is being harmed behind her back and she needs to know this so she can take steps to protect herself from HIM.

I think it was a very bad idea to tell him you were going to tell her. Now he will just tell her and tell it in his own way. And I assure you his "own way" will be that you are a NUT and he is innocent and she will never know the truth. You can't count on him to bust himself.I would recommend calling her when you know he won't be there. And cutting off contact IMMEDIATELY. STOP talking to him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He also says his wife would leave him; she's told him this in the past, apparently. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So in other words, he is holding her AGAINST HER WILL with a lie. Shouldn't she have the RIGHT to leave if she wants? But she doesn't know what is going on, so she doesn't have that option. She is being held by A LIE.

Please stop expecting exemplary behavior from a very untrustworthy person. That is unrealistic. Go tell her yourself and stay away from him.

<small>[ February 05, 2003, 04:44 PM: Message edited by: TheCalypso ]</small>

Absolutely you should tell him. You can write the letter but you need to hand deliver it to her if you can because the chances are he will get it before she does. The bottom line is that he is a player and he played you and played his wife. You are partially redeeming yourself by being upfront and honest with his wife. I wish you luck.

Call her if necessary. Write her at her work address is necessary, But tell her!
And if she's wondering if you're some nut, tell her you broke it off from him and he thinks it's some religious experience you had! In fact, you might tell her it was for you to be brought out of such deceit and lies. And that you did because he lied about being married to you at first!
Go tell, and don't wait for him to, because she needs the truth. Not more of his BullS---.
He'd lying again about the other A's too. This man is a predator! Using the old world standards in europe for being a infidel!
LouLou

Zephyr,
Yes, tell her and kudos for you for being so brave to post. I think telling his wife would be a great kindness. Yes it will hurt but as a BS I would have liked the heads up.
22 eh? You sound very wise for your young age, I hope the wisdom extends to learning that married men are a big no no. LOL.
Good for you. Tell her and then end ALL contact with him no matter how hard it seems. Come to us for support, we will be here.
Layli

Please write the letter and hand deliver it today.
He will be desperate and continue to try to talk you out of it. It will not be easy for you and the longer you let it go, the more chance there is that he will get to you and you could reconsider.

You are not doing this "to him" you are making the decision to end the A and give his W the information that she deserves.

He is lying and manipulating both of you, but you know about the lies and she does not.

The pain that she will feel as a result of this is not your fault alone. It is not your fault for telling her. HE married her and promised to be faithful, HE knows that he is responsible for his betrayal to his W.

You are 22 and deserve to find someone who will cherish you and be honest in your relationship. Please take the right steps to end this and move on with your life. TODAY!

Hi Zephyr.
I just wanted to add that your resp your ex-boy friend's perspective of the A was helpful for me to understand more of the psychology of OPs and WSs. And, I have to admit, it brought up very painful emotions in me. Specifically, I find it just so mean if a WS reserves the "good" emotions for someone "special", and leaving the spouse with the breadcrumbs.
Think about it - in your situation, his betrayed wife probably runs around (his!) kids all day, organises the house etc etc whilst monsieur is discussing the finer points of poetry and music with his lover somewhere. The arguments and rationalisation (by the WS) you mentioned are soooo typical - "our relationship is different", "it's so special", "it's all laughter etc", "we connect so well" etc etc. How can a betrayed spouse compete with this??
Look, at the end of the day, this other guy can call it inspirational, he can impress you with music, wining, dining, arts etc, but he is still a rat and a cheat. No pseudo-European sophistication is going to change this bare fact. Why not giving him a bit of his own medicine - he should justify his affair with the very same arguments. He should try first "but look honey, the affair helped [quote] impassioning myself and kindling the love for you" [unquote]. Then tape his wife's reaction to this.
You're doing the right thing Zephyr. Play it straight and truthful. Not only because it is right and just, but because at the end of the day, everything is coming to light anyway. As ladysing wrote above, you're still young and deserve better than just being a playmate of a cheat.

I found it. Here is what happened when I told his wife.

telling