</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, we have talked about that. What else can I do to reassure him that I'm committed to him more than ever? I'm learning alot in counseling, learning alot about me, marriage, mistakes I've made, etc..............

I've done all of these things. I keep doing them every day. I plan on continuing to do them.
But now he talks about divorce.

OH, sorry I guess I left out the quote. The quote was : </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Est has some great answers... for me, it was more of trying to regain a sense of "if she did it to me before and I thought that everyting was 'good', then what's changed to keep her from doing it again..."

I needed the reassurance that my FWW wasn't going to hurt me again.

Has your H ever asked any of the questions that est mentioned? Have you ansered them? If not, then that might be why your H is talking about D... he might just need more reassurance from you...
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Rebuilding in Faith----some questions for you.

Maybe some hope for the future for me.....

What happened in your marriage to turn things around for you to see your W trying. Was there a turning point? Did you ever talk divorce?

Did things get as bad as they are for me?
Just wondering.

LWH,

I think you are missing something here. You are recovering, and I suspect so is your H. Not in the manner you would like,but I sense that recovery is slowly coming to him.

The testing is common. The uncertainty is really common. Let's face it, he feels he failed. A measure of a man (as taught many years ago) is whether he can keep his W in his bed. He didn't, he failed. He is chewing on that one, for sure. You see there is a lot of male mythology going on, that you are not aware off. It isn't cool for him to admit he is hurt, knocked to the floor. It isn't cool for him to ask you things he needs to know, so he tests. Men do that, actually so do women. THey constantly put up hurdles for H/BF to jump through, they just don't tell them <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> . Then when the guy blows it because he doesn't even know what is happening, it is his fault. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Oh, yeah the male variant is not much different.

He is processing right now. If you really want to communicate with him, send him a letter. Something he can read, digest, and not feel the need to answer or defend himself about. I take it he isn't the most verbal human on the planet. Pretty normal there, right. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

So my take is he is working on it, internally. If you want to explain yourself further, or your realizations about what you have done or how you feel know I would put it on paper and give it to him.

By the way, have you tried initiating sex with him? If not, consider it. He may or may not feel like it, but it is also a test. How strongly do YOU feel about HIM.

But, one thing I would do,especially with his insistence that you two share the same bed, touch him, hug him, make body contact with him often. Even just bumping hips as you pass him by makes a certain statement. If you want something new, then YOU do some new things with him.

Just a few ideas. He isn't filing, and he will interact well with you most of the time. I think there is more progress than you might think. The one year mark is a big one.

Hang in there.

God Bless,

JL

Here's another attempt at advice then....

Perhaps he doesn't believe that he can have feelings for you again. Sometimes people believe that if the feelings don't come by themselves, then it wasn't meant to be.

Hence, the consideration of divorce.

One bad thing about this path is that there is often a bit of denial associated with this kind of thinking. Or a belief that "if I have to force myself to do things or feel things, then it's fake, and I don't want to feel fake."

I like to think, if you do things that represent a certain mindset, then the mindset will usually adjust. Especially if there's a lot of positive feedback/feelings associated with the actions.

Of course, there are a lot of excuses for your H not to do anything. Laziness, "why should I try", fake-ness, I've already tried really hard and it didn't work, etc.

Some possibilities..... talking about how you recovered feelings for him (the more methodical, perhaps the better for men in general), talking up a plan of recovery....

I think I'm digging for whether this is more an issue of lack of motivation, or a lack of motivation specifically because there is a lack of a recovery plan (i.e. nothing seems to be working, so give up).

I would suggest again that a couple of sessions on your own with SH might be a lot more than a bunch of replies here. This is really second-rate info - hence the difference in cost.

Unless you're just trying to run out of ideas here to go down the D track. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Only half-kidding - you never can really know why people post here.

I do believe that SH can help you build up hope for now and provide some practical ideas for your situation. And then if he says go to divorce, then you'll feel a lot more comfortable doing so.

Just Learning--

I hope you are right. I hope I am missing something but I don't think so. I DO initiate touch. Soft touches, kisses, etc.... I get nothing in return..which I understand. But I do it continually because I want to and I want him to know that I want HIM.

I don't feel we are at any stage of recovery but maybe we are and we don't know it.

est--thanks for more advice from you. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Perhaps he doesn't believe that he can have feelings for you again. Sometimes people believe that if the feelings don't come by themselves, then it wasn't meant to be.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">yes, that is exactly what he tells me. I can't convince him to try. I give up.

LWH-

If you haven't done so, print out a copy of the Emotional Needs Questionnaire and try to get your husband to fill it out with you at the same time. If he doesn't want to participate right away, do it yourself. You mentioned that you thought your M was pretty solid before your A but there must have been something missing. Reflect on the results to have a better understanding of your own needs. The important thing is to be persistent until you both get through it. There's a good chance that each of you had EN's that aren't being met....This is where you need to start....Good luck!!

You guys are in recovery (assuming he's not having his own A). Look at how far you've come from your A. It sounds like you come to a point where you really want the marriage and that you are really trying to make an effort.

But it's stalled. Some of your enthusiasm and hope has been evaporated by the stall. Maybe "want" and "try" are now best described in past tense. The bump in the road has collapsed parts that haven't solidified yet.

What you verified about your H's thoughts is not unexpected. Though it's more typical of the WS. But as many people can tell you, those feelings can be restored.

Since I don't know that much about your individual counseling experience, I may be going out on a limb for this... but I think there might still be a lot that hasn't been tried to get your husband on board. I know that it would haunt me if I didn't try everything I could as long as I still had love for my spouse.

Would it be a problem to try to settle your thoughts with a session with Steve Harley? He will recommend divorce when it is appropriate. If you feel that SH isn't for you, I'd love to know why you think so. Of course, I'm not entitled to an answer, but I would like to know.

<small>[ January 27, 2003, 06:48 PM: Message edited by: est ]</small>