I'm the WS and need help figuring out what to do. I truly love my wife, but I was very dishonest to her, I led her to believe that I was working on our marriage while I continued to have an affair, I lied, cheated and was 100% dishonest. I was caught at the OW house on the Jan. 3rd, our divorce was already in process, she filed on 4/1/02 but I was living at home and we were trying to make a go of it. She has since continued the process and says she feels it is the only option she has.

I need help understanding why she really does not want a divorce, but feels it is her only option? Why can she not tell me she is 100% done with me and never sees us back together? Why does she feel divorce is her only option. I understand the pain I caused and know she feels very betrayed, but why can she not close the door completely or give me a crumb. I'm very confused and need some insight please. It would really be nice to hear from a S that is in the same shoes as my wife. Thanks for your help.

She doesn't WANT a D. She feels that you are NOT sincere with a recovery commitment. What have YOU done to show HER that you want to save your M?

I have told her I love her and told her I do not want a divorce. She does not want to go to counceling, she feels I have put her in a corner and she has no other option. She does not trust me she does not believe me and she says it is only a matter of time before I lie to her again. I feel like my world is crushing down on me. To show my commitment to her I have been living at my parents house so she can see that I'm not out doing crazy things I have not been to the house and I only call her when she calls me. I have not called any of her friends. I just want my wife back in my life forever.

I recommend the following:

Print out 2 copies of the EN questionnaire. Fill one out and give her the other.
Have you written an NC letter? If not DO IT! show it to you W and mail it together.
Get yourself into counseling. Take the initiative.
Ask her if you can go HOME.
Give her the passwords to ALL email and phone accounts.

Call her 10 times a day to let her know you care. Send her cards and flowers....

These are just the icing on the cake...

lg, before we can help you, you need to demonstrate you're serious about ending the affair. Have you written a no contact letter to the OW? If not, do it today and send a copy to your wife. This has to be done before you can have any hope of earning her trust.

Please inform us of some other details: your ages, children's ages, how long married, knowledge level of your extended family and hers about the affair, etc. All pertinent info.

And tell us why you had the affair. What was missing in your marriage from your perspective? What would your wife say was missing from your marraige?

Kily,
I have not written the letter, but I will today, I have not been in contact with the OW since the 3rd. My wife says not to call her she needs a break, she also tells me to do what I need to do on my own, do not do it for her. She does not want to go to counseling, but she did say she would go see mine by herself, this will allow him to help me. I plan on sending her flowers and I will send cards. She sees who I am, but she does not believe in it. As for my family, my two girls are 4 and 6 years old. Both sides of the family know what I did and are very upset. My side is there for me and I have only apoligized to hers. I have not talked to them and they do not plan on contacting me any time soon, if ever. My wife is going through with the divorce because she feels she has no other options. I truly do not want a divorce.

Have you apologized to your wife? SIncerely told her what it was that you did wrong? Try contacting her relatives and apologize to them. State your intent on saving the Marriage. Face whatever it is that they will throw your way.

You NEED to earn their respect and trust. It is a LONG hard road. Read my story and you will see just how hard......

Her "no other option" may be because this is based on not knowing or not believing that recovery from affairs is possible. To many, divorce is a given once an affair takes place.

I'd take it easy on the flowers and cards - don't overdo it - but do suggest to her that there is a lot to learn about affairs, that her experience may be typical, and that this forum can offer a wealth of info to help her understand. Print out this thread and our replies and send it to her.

To Mrs. lg - your husband was a selfish fool and we do NOT condone what he did. He committed emotional rape on you and your family. We have made suggestions to him on how to get started regaining your trust. Many of us have been where you are, or worse, and there are those here who have been where your husband has been. Recovery is likely with effort. The point is that your husband, like other unfaithful spouses, can recover and be half of a much improved marriage. You can be the other half. Please consult us before you make decisions that you are not sure of.

WAT

Kily,
I have apoligized to both her parents and her, she does believe I'm sorry, but she does not trust me. I have lied to her and made a promise to her that I was working on the marriage, but still having the affair. She states I treated her like a dog and she sees no other option then to divorce me. I gave her this web site to read and she thought it had some good stuff on it, but she still does not trust me. She feels that I have caused her enough pain to last a life time and that she can't do this any more. Am I foolish to even think we have a chance? I love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her, but even 20 years of history can not change the way she feels right now. Even though she wants to be married to me, she feels she does not know me anymore and feels she has no other option. I'm sure I will survive this and I believe god does things for a reason.

I'm still needing help please read my first Post and let me know some positive advice, anyone out there. I'm having a very tough day today and I really want to understand why my wife can't be married to me, but can't say that she is done forever. It seems very whacked to me that a person would divorce someone, just to start fresh and maybe start dating to again. Is she just scared, or is there a real chance that we can end up together again? Or is this a pie in the sky dream, I have? If there are people out there that feel the way my wife does, please help me understand and let me know what to do. Thanks

Your wife is in shock, she has been double whammied....I hope you have now given her the full truths and she has no more to find out on her own. She at least deserves that right now.

I know exactly how she is feeling I have echoed her same words I felt I had no other choice, what you have done is the same my husband did to me and no doubt many others on this board.

You ask is there hope. YES there is.And you have to grasp it for all your worth. You have really stuffed up bigtime, now its time to be a man .

Our recovery is strong, it takes a lot of hard work , I do wish you well and my heart reaches out to your wife.

edited to add, I did a turn around when my husband became honest with himself.

<small>[ February 03, 2003, 05:15 PM: Message edited by: dinotopia ]</small>

Dinotopia,
How did you know he was honest? I'm living at my parents right now and seperation is not the answer for her. She is going forward with the divorce. What do I need to do? I have been 100% honest for 30 days now, it sounds like not very many, but it is better then none. Thank you for the glimmer of hope.

I think your wife has already given you the answer to your question above.

Do it for yourself...get yourself into counceling...seek all the help you can to find YOU...warts and all.

As I did, if your wife see a TRUE concerted effort from you that you are willing to look at yourself, to be true to yourself, the pendulam may just may start to swing the other way.

Read all you can, absorb it like a sponge..there are some remarkable people on these boards.

Self pity will do nothing for you right now, but being the man you were born to be will.

Dinotopia,
She just called me and the papers are done, She is leaving me forever and still can not be true to me. I gave her my heart for 20 years and she dumping me just like that. I have given up all hope and feel like there is no reason to move forward.

You have to be true to YOU.

As blunt as I may sound..my first reaction when I read your reply, was to ask you to lean a little close so I could clip your ear!

You have had an affair, your wife is reeling between pain , anger, frustration, hurt, sadness. YOUR WIFE has suffered a near mortal wound to her soul...and you inflicted it, by the use of some very selfish and very wrong choices.

At present she is once bitten twice shy. She may very well be taking steps to protect herself.

reframe your picture for a minute, take a look at it from a different angle. What do you see when you stand in her shoes?

I was betrayed by my husband. The feelings she is having, is that you are not safe for her. How is she to see that you say you love her is for real? How is she to see that there is no contact is for real? My wayward husband and I went to Retroivaille, and he was still in contact with the other woman 8-10 hours a day during that period. Long distance calling. I was used by my husband. I should of said was, NO. I am not going, you are still talking to the other woman, and I am not going. You have to decide either the OW, or me your wife. Also, the no contact letter, we did one, mailed it. But he called her and said, he was forced to do this. It meant nothing to him, and I thought this was a true act on his part.

You deceived your wife of 20 years. You have not gained her trust. You have not made a safe zone for her. This is what you need to do. Go to counseling and find out how you can improve yourself? How you can feel like you are doing this with your heart and her heart in mind? Maybe after a few months of counseling by yourself, you 2 can go to counseling together.

There is no trust, and do you blame her? You have made a fool of her, telling her lies, and using her. This hurts the betrayed spouses heart. I know mine is hurting, and I think of all that happened in the last 2 years. It hurts. I am letting it go with help. But I don't have a safe place, anywhere yet. Make yourself vulnerable to give her a glimpse of a safe place with you. It could be sitting on the couch together. It could be just holding her hand. She needs small baby steps to show her a safe place.

Just what I see, and know so far. I am individual counseling with 2 professionals. So I am getting the help I need. Wished I had gotten individual help a long time ago. I also wish that my husband would of seeked inidividual help a long time ago. Both of us made huge mistakes, and both of us could make a wonderful life together. But it takes two, not one. Good luck. Make this a good attempt, and work hard. You have a wife who loves you, and you love her. I willl pray for both of you to recover.

<small>[ February 03, 2003, 08:18 PM: Message edited by: Faith4me ]</small>

Yes, there are people that get divorced and remarry. My Brother-in-Law, for example. I don't recommend that method, but you work with what you got. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I understand the pain I caused </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, you don't, and never will, completely. Each person's pain is their own. The effort to really understand this as well as you can will be appreciated by your wife, however. It will make you feel like sh*t, though, so don't spend any more time there than you have to. If you make yourself feel too crappy, you can get to the point that you become paralyzed, adn you need to have enough energy to do the hard work this is going to require.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I led her to believe that I was working on our marriage while I continued to have an affair, I lied, cheated and was 100% dishonest. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have told her I love her and told her I do not want a divorce...She does not trust me she does not believe me and she says it is only a matter of time before I lie to her again. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She sees who I am, but she does not believe in it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I really want to understand why my wife can't be married to me, but can't say that she is done forever. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you re-read your quotes, you should be able to understand the answer to the first half of your question. To put it in my words, trust is easily broken, but difficult to rebuild. You have so thoroughly destroyed her trust in you that you have dug yourself such a big hole it will be VERY difficult to dig your way out. Not impossible, but difficult. You have hurt her so much she is afraid to trust you. The only way to overcome that is to show her you are 100% trustworthy and honest. It is all about making your actions and your words consistent. It will take a long time.

Even more important than the words and actions being consistent is your actions being loving. If I were in your wife's place, I would laugh at your contention that you loved her, because you did not act in a way that was consistent with my understanding of the word "love". In her place, I would assume that you did not have any idea what that word meant. So, saying it would have no impact at this point. The only way you can get through to her is to treat her in a way that shows you love her - by her definition. (The Emotional Needs Questionaire, suggested by Kily, will help you find out if you do not know what actions she perceives as most loving.) Do the things for her that make her feel loved. She may not believe it now, but eventually, she will believe, if you keep it up forever. Don't worry about when "eventually" is, right now - suffice to say, think in multiples of months.

The answer to the second question is more difficult. Maybe you should ask her. I'm sure your children have something to do with it. I would guess that it has something to do with why she married you. The "Why?" is important, but not as important as the fact that there is still some small part of her that is willing.

Anyway, you have created a mess, but there is a way out. You will need to build on that small bit of willingness she has. You will be interacting about the children. Show her the new you every time you see her. SHOW her. Talk is cheap.

Show her you are changing. Show her. For example - write the NC letter. Deliver it to the OW and her husband, if she is married, preferably in a public place and preferably in the presence of your wife. Especially if you would not normally do something like that.

Pray. This is going to be the hardest thing you ever do. You need all the help you can get. Ask God to help you change. Pursue Jesus. It will change you, and you need to change, not just "appear changed". The short answer on how to convince your wife you have changed is to actually change. As Paul writes in Romans 12:2b "...be transformed by the renewing of your mind."

Read the Basic Concepts section of this site. Order "Surviving an Affair", by Harley, and read it. Read all the Q&A's about infidelity on this site. Then come back here to the board with questions.

Well she called me last night crying and asking why this happened to us, I had the girls, so she was missing them very much. I told her that we got to this point because I forgot how to open up to her and felt that she would look at me the wrong way. I explained to her that I'm working on figuring out how to be ok with myself and not worry about what other people think. I'm confussed why she would call and ask and also cry to me. She has decided to end the marriage. The papers are ready for my review and to be signed. After we hung up, I decided to have our oldest( age 6) call her back so she could chat with her for a minute and feel make my wife feel good. My wife was very thankful for having me do that and I think her made her relax. Today she is getting the papers, I'm unsure what the future brings, but I know I love her very much and want to spend the rest of my life with her.

Ig-

Sorry to hear the pain your in. Wife is turning to you for support. THis is GOOD. Having D call her - even better. Next time offer to come to her and hold her hand.

Did you write the letter? If not finish it TODAY! Ask wife to meet you. Hand her the letter. Hand her this post. Get down on your knees and plead if that is what it takes.....

Ask her for two weeks.......Ask her for 24 hours. Do WHATYEVER it TAKES to show her how you feel. She will block you for a long time, but each consistent behavior will reach her and get her to think....

I don't believe it's too late for you, but YOU need to start communicating and demonstrating, NOW!

Kily,
I did the letter, it went the mail yesterday. I also ask to come and hold her hand last night and she said NO. I'm going to see a Paster of a church I started to go to and talk to him today. I have told my wife that. Maybe he will have some insight for me. I never in my widlest dreams thought that we would end up divorced. It was such a struggle to have our kids, both were done artificially, this is a huge deal for us. I strive for Normalcy in my life. Our marriage has had many ups and downs, from miscarriage to her having an affair to me now having an affair. I'm so blue and can hardly do my work.