Q-

It's so hard to slow down once you've had a breakthrough. That is what has happened. You just have to step back now and let your wife's actions guide you for a time. Let her prompt you fpr yopur feelings now. The door is opened. She will ask, but any more input from you will feel like pressure to her. You don't want this.

I think that she wants to see the posts. She is ASKING you to share them with her. Was this done in an annoying tone or a supportive tone? You KNOW the answer as well as all of us. You WILL not be educating her by offering them to her. She has made an opening for you.

Referring to the other party by name means that there is a humanizing factor taking place. He is no longer a "secret" that she is hiding. The fact that she is acknowledging him by name means that his significange in her life has definately shifted. It's hard to say whether this is a good or bad thing, but if I had to bet, I would say that she is starting to "view" him as just another person. The excitement that he once held for her is diminsihing....but that is just my own opinion on what I would be feeling if it was me in that scenario...

Start focusing on YOU now. Time to do some HARD work...

I offered to share the posts well into the conversation that night. We were calm, not accusing or blaming. I mentioned it as an observation that I had dismissed unfairly last summer, but I also said that I didn't want to offend her with it, if she felt it was judging HER in particular. She seemed receptive, in a way that I can't quite put my finger on (probably because of my own fears). She might have been looking for something to get a grip on (by the way, she has NOT read any books on co-dependency, like I had thought), but I don't know for sure.

She's a pretty tough gal, but she can also internalize a LOT, and if she takes the defensive when I send it to her and internalizes it, I don't know where she'll go with her thinking.

So, I really don't know if it's a good idea or not. But not sending them yesterday obviously disappointed her.

Groan, some more.
-Qfwfq

SEND THEM!!!!!

Stop walking on EGG SHELLS. Where's that MB 2x4? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Just send a simple note along telling her that you hope she finds these as interesting as you do. Then LEAVE it ALONE!

She will read them. At some point, she will decide to talk about them. Let her gauge the progress...

Well, I sent them. Got to go to lunch and be back for the tech to troubleshoot my computer problem.

I hope I haven't done something wrong... ...but I'd have worried about that and internalized it forever if I hadn't tried.

-Qfwfq

"But last night I tried to be more open and tell her about my fears. And I did, but they evoked no response at all."

Doesn't matter. Your job is to open up, irregardless of her non response or a negative response or her hair catching on fire with passion. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Open up because it is the right thing to do .... and the chips will fall where they may.

Her response may come delayed.

She may be in shock, and not trusting that it isn't a trick of some sort.

Keep yourself open and honest.

Thanks, Pepper and kily:

Pepper. I've gotten a response, but it was to say that the font was too small to read! So, I replied and changed the font size. It's probably on her email software end, though.

You're right. I can't keep holding $h!+ in! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I got a response from a friend on the other forum about fear that goes:

"The Power of Your Presence
from pg 84-85 of “Practicing the Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle

To suddenly see that you are or have been attached to your pain can be quite a shocking realization. The moment you realize this, you have broken the attachment.

The pain-body is an energy field, almost like an entity, that has become temporarily lodged in your inner space. It is life energy that has become trapped, energy that is no longer flowing.

Of course, the pain-body is there because of certain things that happened in the past. It is the living past in you, and if you identify with it, you identify with the past.

A victim identity is the belief that the past is more powerful than the present, which is the opposite of the truth. It is the belief that other people and what they did to you are responsible for who you are now, for your emotional pain or your inability to be your true self.
The truth is that the only power there is, is contained within this moment: It is the power of your presence. Once you know that, you also realize that you are responsible for your inner space now – nobody else is – and that the past cannot prevail against the power of the Now.

Unconsciousness creates it; consciousness transmutes it into itself. St. Paul expressed this universal principle beautifully: “Everything is shown up by being exposed to the light, and whatever is exposed to the light itself becomes light.”

Just as you cannot fight the darkness, you cannot fight the pain-body. Trying to do so would create inner conflict and thus further pain. Watching it is enough. Watching it implies accepting it as part of what is at that moment."

That has been so "ME"! But NOT-NE-MORE if I can help myself! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
-Qfwfq

cool~~~~

I told ya this is spiritual work!!!

Got a reply. My W doesn't think that description of co-dependency fits her at all, and wonders if I do.

I told her that I basically wanted to apologize for criticizing her IC for exploring the possibility.

?

-Qfwfq

Q-
My posts (or any posts for that matter) about the co-dependency may not register with her for awhile yet.....

My description of my experiences was when these feelings were at their worst. Early on, they sometimes only appear a little at a time, or mildly, as the inner self feels safer, and yet not overwhelm.

Also- your W is in the throes of an active, roaring addiction...OM....and/or withdrawal from her OM addiction.

There is no way she can get to this stuff while still in the fog....

The seeds have been planted...just water them with caring and safety, and see what God grows....

P.S.-Have you ever noticed any co-dependency tendencies/behaviours in yourself? If you only have a couple, rather than a whole basketfull, that ain't so bad...I see a thing or two, maybe.....can you guess what I think that they might be? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ February 14, 2003, 07:38 PM: Message edited by: HelenWheels ]</small>

HW:

I'm betting it's withdrawl at this point, and I don't think it's just my wishful thinking. But it's only just started, so it could still take a long time.

Me? I really don't know. Hadn't thought about it! But that doesn't mean I think I'm "trouble-free" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

-ol' Qfwfq

Long talk with my W this morning. It was very honest.

Long road ahead, and the outcome is still uncertain, but I'm not going to worry so much!

Hey there Q,

Just dropping in to say hi. It looks like you're coming to a few realizations lately. Your talk with your W this morning sounds encouraging. Keep up the great u-loving work!

Wishing you all the best,

Jen

Pep:

I sent you a reply email last night but it bounced.

-Qfwfq

Q-

That will be $20 return fee... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hope your well.

It took me a long time to internalize the co-dependancy stuff. I had to be ready to see in order to be open to it....

Give her time.

kily:

She's brought the subject of the forward posts re co-d several times since I sent them to her on Friday. Not always in very positive ways, either. But it does show that she's thinking. Some of it seems to "fit" her pretty well, at least from my perspective based on her reactions to it, but some clearly doesn't. Some of it actually seems to fit ME a bit, the more that I think about it.

We had an "interesting" weekend. Yesterday started out beautifully, then went way sour (due to a dispute with a neighbor putting up a new fence over the property boundary), then wound up okay. Today was a very good day.

I think the most progress I've been feeling this weekend is due to my facing my own fears. And that has allowed me to tell my W when I disagree with something she's thinking or doing, without fear of her reaction. And the couple of times I've done that this weekend, it's evoked a positive response in her.

Baby steps, but I am only just realizing how few and far between such steps have been for us in the past year.

-Qfwfq

Did you get the photo I sent?

Pepper:

Yes I did! Very cool!

I tried to send a reply, but aWol must have some sort of protection racket in place, because I got an error message saying it couldn't be delivered.

-Qfwfq

Hahahahaha

NOW you know what I look like .... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> NOT! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Pepper:

You mean you're not really chrome-complexioned?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

-Qfwfq

Pepper! No fair! You know I want to know what you look like!

I already asked you to send me a pic! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I like to see who all this wisdom is coming from!

<small>[ February 17, 2003, 11:25 AM: Message edited by: Susan ]</small>