Finally through digging out from the BIG BLIZZARD!
<strong>Re me moving out: About a fortnight ago we had an argument...Look, we just don’t fit with each other, we're emotionally too different, we're not connecting (like she did with OM), bla bla bla. To which I've said: OK. Fine. You're actually absolutely right. Next Saturday I'm moving out. That rattled her, and suddenly it was her being nice to me, and me re-iterating, no dahling, you were right, I'll move out. (Well, I didn't at the end).</strong>
Her being nice is no doubt her realizing she has pushed you too far. It signals to me that she IS afraid of losing you. I do think that she would be devastated by a separation. I don't know what she is grappling with- what is causing her to act this way. She sounds like she's full of fear and anger and depression, and she is projecting a lot of it on you.
I don't think it was a great idea to broach the idea of moving out in a burst of anger, and then withdraw it- but her reaction does prove a point. I think deep down she is terrified of losing you.
I didn't ever go to Plan B and what it resulted in was a fairly half hearted attempt at recovery from my H. For the first six months post NC, his efforts were lukewarm, although he did make it clear he wanted our M. However, I asked him to do a few things for me and he was unable to do them. Let me stress that my H and I ARE firmly in recovery, despite quite a few bumps along the way. My H is regretful, is disgusted by his A to the point where he just wants to exorcize those memories from his hard drive. But I think we would have done better and healed faster, if we had firmly followed a plan such as set forth by MB or Janis Abrams Springs in After the Affair. I noticed that when I started to firmly say, we can’t go on like this, I need to see your effort or our M is not going to work- that is when he amped up his efforts. I realized that me putting up with stuff does neither of us any good. It drains my love bank, and it’s unfair to him because in a sense I am being dishonest about how I feel.
<strong>Then it was MC asking what is the goal? I said reconciliation, she said, she doesn’t know yet. We were there a couple of times, each time the MC tried to nudge her to a common goal - in vain. Also, every time I tried to push her to a commitment (at MC's session) he pushed *me* back, basically saying I shouldn't force the issue, that first we need to be able to see how we operate, learn to safely communicate etc, before we can solve for good the relationship. </strong>
Working on those skills is important, but you can’t make progress if she is still in contact with OM. Let’s take your W’s words at face value. She is not working towards reconciliation at this time. Probably deep down she is- that is why she’s in MC. But the fog of the A is still around her.
<strong>His problem (maybe) is that he generally avoids taking sides (maybe rightly so). However, he focused many times and highlighted through numerous examples her inherent blame towards me and anger towards me. </strong>
They do have to maintain neutrality to avoid one partner up and leaving. But it is good that he is illustrating her blame and anger. Hopefully she is hearing this. Does she acknowledge it at all?
<strong>Today's MC session: discussing things we love to do in common and things we want to have in our relationship etc, good matches, would you believe it (!).</strong>
Does your W acknowledge the good stuff? Was she contributing to the discussion?
Re: 15 mile runs. Sounds like they aren't really impacting in a major way on your time together. And you do need the stress reliever. Great way to commute to work!
I'm really glad you are talking to Steve. Guess it's today. Let us know what his take on it all is.
