Goldielocks, I know how you feel...
Take care...

Lurking About,

I've got the book, Self Matters,and already started reading it. I do hope it will help me in my current situation. The first chapter is mind-opening already.

Thanks...

Someone,

I have that book by Dr Phil too, haven't gotten time to read it yet! Sounds great!

Three years ago I made a similiar mistake to yours. I was hurting and lost and found someone else who was hurting and lost to talk to. He happend to be my H's cousin and best friend. It makes sense now that he would be the one I would fall for...after all, he was around a lot, he was already a long time friend, and we trusted each other. He was also very close and Uncle like to our son, which just enamored me all the more.

It was a long road back for H and I. We almost divorced. But we did make it back together over a year ago and we're doing really good.

Ending the A and sticking to NC is a must.
Working on yourself and analyzing your part in things helps a lot.
Having a partner who is willing to try to make changes and give things another chance with an open mind and a leap of faith helps immensly.

No matter what, you are correct in that this will change things in ways forever. But that's LIFE. We do things that forever alter ours, and others, lives all the time. Turn that in to a GOOD thing, but learning from it and never repeating it. You will forever regret it, but you don't have to punish yourself forever about it.

I wonder if your current state of wanting to be alone has more to do with guilt and wanting to get away from the pain. I can guarantee you that moving on to a new relationship and "starting over" won't release you of the pain. You've got to do the work first...then decide whether to repair or move on. It sounds like you're ready and willing to do that!!! That's a GOOD THING so congratulate yourself for that! It took stubborn me much longer.

Anyway, just wanted to offer you some hope and some support.

H4F,

Thank you for your reply. It is nice to hear from someone who had similar case like what I am going through now.

The A just ended and I intend not to break the NC this time. It would also mean that I will be distant with my cousin's family for life. It hurts to know that it should be the case.

Is it the way your relationship turned out with your cousin's H and his family now? How does the family view the betrayal on his side? And on your side? How do you maintain NC with H's cousin?

Sorry, if I asked too much. I'll appreciate if you'll share more of the details. Honestly, I am affected much of what I did to my cousin, my family and relatives. It hurts me more that I've hurt them than hurting my own H. Maybe because they mean more to me than H.

Yes, my current state of wanting to be alone has more to do with guilt. I am thinking of staying separated, taking care of my daughter and not to be in any relationship again.

Sounds like I am punishing myself for what I did.

That is the reason why I am trying to work on myself first. You're right, I've got to do the work first... then decide whether to repair or move on.

I will wait for your reply, H4F.

Thanks...

<small>[ February 12, 2003, 11:00 AM: Message edited by: someoneout_there ]</small>

H4F,

Hope to hear from you soon.

Thanks...

Consider that after two years of being separated from your H, the choice of wanting to return to him or not, may no longer be in your hands.

How do you feel about your H? Were there major problems with him?

Coffeeman,

H & I just spoke last month, January 2003. He told me that he is still waiting and hoping for reconciliation.

Awake,

Yes there are some major issues between us. But I'd rather not discuss it.No matter what is or was between us... it is my fault to enter into an A. Even we are separated.

<small>[ February 13, 2003, 01:43 PM: Message edited by: someoneout_there ]</small>

H4F,

I am hoping and waiting for your reply. I need to hear from you again.

Thanks...

someone,

Why did you and your H separate? If he is still waiting for you, this suggests that you do have sevaral options available to you. As you said you can run, or you can reconsider your H.

I would bet that neither of you are the same people your were two years ago. If the people here are any indicator your H has done a lot of thinking about things and I would bet that while he still may not be the man you want he is probably a lot closer than you realize.

As for you, you have changed. Your A changed you and is changing you even now. The only question is how are these changes turning out? I hope you realize that while the A was a very bad thing to do, you can grow and learn from it. That is what everyone is suggesting. If you do grow and learn, you might find that your H seems a different man to you than he did.

We need to hear your story about how you and H came to separate.

The odds are high we will see things you don't. For one thing there are a lot more eyes <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> looking at the issues. The second we may see things differently and could be of help.

Please think about this. It seems you are a most fortunate woman: you have options. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Please reflect on this for awhile.

God Bless,

JL

Thank you for your reply. It is nice to hear from someone who had similar case like what I am going through now.

No problem...sorry it took me so long to respond back. I'm in the middle of the busiest I think I've ever been in my life...but it's a good thing I guess. If ever I don't get back to you...just do like you did and put my name on the post...I'll do my best to respond as timely as possible.

I know what you mean about finding someone with a similiar situation. It's tough when you feel like your situation might be a bit touchier (when it involves family) and it does help to talk to others who might be in a similiar spot.

The A just ended and I intend not to break the NC this time. It would also mean that I will be distant with my cousin's family for life. It hurts to know that it should be the case.

It was a difficult thing for me to fathom too, and I felt extremely guilty about taking that relationship away for my H. His cousin was a lifelong friend and H considered him a BEST friend. He had another close friend in highschool, but he moved away and H, the OM, and H's brother kind of became the 3 musketeers (I used to call them that). Because of my and the OM's selfishness...that will never be again. I do hope that one day the OM might apologize to H, and maybe H can get some things off his chest...but there will never be a close relationship there again.

We used to all get together and play cards, and we used to go to all sorts of events together. Now the people that know have to decide who to invite and if they feel like someone who might not know might catch on, they have to pre-warn us that the other is invited in order to ward off any accidental meetings. The OM seems to have pretty much dropped out of site in the community for the most part. This would be a disrespectful judgement on my part...but it really seems to me as if he's hiding. And it kind of torks me because I atleast owned up to what I did to most of our family and friends. Not everyone knows, but anyone close to us does. I feel I am actually forgiven because they DO know and have decided to forgive me anyway. I don't know how the OM deals with it. I guess we all have to deal with it in our own way and maybe his way is the best way for him and his situation.

Is it the way your relationship turned out with your cousin's H and his family now? How does the family view the betrayal on his side? And on your side? How do you maintain NC with H's cousin?

My H's parents don't out and out know what happend. I'm sure that insinuations and asssumptions have been tossed about...this is a very small community. Like I said, it's extremely obvious that H and I don't go anywhere with OM anymore like we used to, and we aren't ever at any card parties or events at the same time. But we don't really see any benefit in sitting down H's family and telling them everything that happend over the last several years. And I feel it's OM's choice as to whether or not to tell his parents or not. I believe in radical honesty with the directly affected parties (your spouse, your cousin) but not necessarily to everyone in the family.

Sorry, if I asked too much. I'll appreciate if you'll share more of the details. Honestly, I am affected much of what I did to my cousin, my family and relatives. It hurts me more that I've hurt them than hurting my own H. Maybe because they mean more to me than H.

No problem...ask away. I prefer to turn my huge mistake and the long battle I had with myself in order to get to where I am today...in to something beneficial for more than just myself.

I understand your guilt towards your cousin and I understand why you don't feel nearly as bad about your H. It makes PERFECT SENSE!! You probably felt somewhat entitled to hurt your H, because you were most likely frustrated, angry and possibly hurt by his actions or inactions during your marriage. You had expectations of him and your marriage, and when he failed or refused to meet those expectations you probably felt a bit betrayed too. Does that sound about right?

I think, though, if you came to realize how badly you actually hurt your H and if you could come to forgive him for his part in your marriage failing...you would feel much worse about hurting him. Realize also that this A just ended. I'm sure there's still plenty of fog hanging about while you grieve the seperation and begin figuring things out.

Yes, my current state of wanting to be alone has more to do with guilt. I am thinking of staying separated, taking care of my daughter and not to be in any relationship again.

Ha...that sounds pretty familiar. I felt that way quite a bit too. I had no desire to go out and try to do this again...yet I knew I wanted more out of my life. My lifelong dream has been to have a good marriage with my partner being my best friend and a happy family life together. I knew that no matter what...divorce was going to forever disrupt that dream. Because we have a child together...my H would always have been a part of my life.

Sounds like I am punishing myself for what I did.

Probably are. And that has its place. Realizing that what you did was selfish and wrong and that there is just NO JUSTIFICATION for it is a good thing to realize. But punishing yourself for life over it doesn't serve any real purpose either. EVERYONE...E..V..E..R..Y..O..N..E...makes mistakes. I REFUSE to walk around this community or ANYWHERE with my head hanging low because I screwed up. I did a very bad thing...but I was also very naive and found myself in over my head. The mistake is already made...it's in the past. What matters now is how I conduct myself for the rest of my life! And anyone who wants to condemn me based on my past is welcome to do so. The kind of person who would choose to do that probly doesn't spend much time looking in the mirror.

That is the reason why I am trying to work on myself first. You're right, I've got to do the work first... then decide whether to repair or move on.

Yes...that's very true. And you should commend yourself for getting this far!! No one said this is easy and no one said there's a perfect way to grow and become a better person. You're doing your best and that counts for something!! In the meantime...realize that your hubby is still evidently hanging on. If you truly don't care anymore...you need to do the right thing and let him move on with his life. If you do still care...then get help and work things out!! If you're still unsure...then that says to me you still care and something is standing in your way.

I'm sure there's more to your story that might help us to paint a clearer picture. If you decide to share it with us, we might be able to better help. Either way...I hope you find the answers you're looking for so you can start moving forward with your life!!!

JL,

Thank you for your reply. I will reflect on your comments.

H4F,

Thank you for finding time to respond again. You're such a big help. Your answers to my questions are very helpful in sorting out my own situation.

Right now, I am not sure how to deal with it. Whether to tell my cousin and ask for forgiveness or what.

For the last ten years, cousin and I have been living in different states. We have seen each other just once. And probably not anymore in the years to come with what happened.

I am hesitant to share what happened between H & me because I do not want to sound as rationalizing what I did. But, I'll try. As for me, it was my fault to enter into an A no matter what had happened between H & I.

I am gaining insights from all of you here in MB. I don't know how could I survive without your help. God bless you all.

Thanks...

I just wanted to repeat what JL said to you,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> H & I just spoke last month, January 2003. He told me that he is still waiting and hoping for reconciliation.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is unbelievable to me, and I mean that in a good way. Your husband is STILL wanting a reconciliation? Do you know how LUCKY you are?

JL knows my story very well, and many others' stories here. HE said that to you because I am sure he knows and wants you to realize how seldom it is that someone will forgive and want a reconciliation, after such a long time.

You mentioned earlier that my words brought you to tears, near the beginning of your thread. You know my situation.

Again , you are supremely lucky to have a man who still loves you! Please count your blessings, and do what you need to do for you and your H to make all of this work.

Take care,
H_P

H_P,

Thank you for your reply. Sorry for the delayed response. I am doing a lot of thinking and soul-searching lately...

I just got the books I ordered from MB- SAA and HNHN this morning. I can't wait to sit down and read SAA this weekend.

I really need to look deeper and work on myself.

I've heard all of you... all your invaluable inputs... and I thank you all for that.

God bless...

I have finished reading SAA, almost done with HNHN and in the middle of Self Matters.

Reading the books, I understand clearly HOW I get myself into the situation I am in right now. It helps to know how to protect myself now while still separated and in the future.

It's true that these books help to come to terms with your own self. Very useful whether a person would like to rebuild the marriage or to move on alone or with somebody else in the future.

Reading these books help me to learn and keep my mind busy doing something positive and helpful during these difficult time.

Thank you all for the recommendation... it helps me get through... in some ways.

~God Bless~

<small>[ March 05, 2003, 07:33 AM: Message edited by: someoneout_there ]</small>

bump... for LC

I am in an online EA affair with someone who is an "almost relative" myself. Wow, I can't believe someone else has had a similar experience. I have been feeling pretty wicked having gotten involved with someone I know through family gatherings!

I too, never thought this could happen to me. I have since discovered that my marriage is not as "perfect" as I was trying to think it was.

Good luck to you! I am sure you will find the right way - you will find peace/balance because you want to.

I think that you should go ahead and tell the truth. It won't be easy,but it will be alot better to go ahead and have it out in the open before someone else spills the beans. I am going through the same thing right now. I cheated on my H with one of my clients. Keeping it bottled up inside will just destroy you. So be brave and tell the truth.

Elli,

Thank you for posting and for your good wishes.

Chicks,

I hope to have the courage to do so... thank you for your input.

~God Bless~

Dear Someone

I am sorry to see you suffering in this way. I too am a FWS and understand exactly how you feel. Sometimes it is still difficult for me to comprehend what I did - I absolutely abhor the notion of infidelity and everything it stands for, yet I threw my whole life up in the air and the pieces have now crashed down and around me. But believe me, it does and will get better.

I understand that you are unsure whether or not to try and re-build your marraige. Firstly, my H has steadfastly refused to do this, and he has now left the home and is seeing someone else. For the first 2 months after d-day, and when he came home from working abroad, I was just here. I didn't know if we had a future or whether I even wanted one with him. I came here and people like JL supported and councilled me.

You are in the very early stages of withdrawal from OM. Believe me, this will affect how you feel. I also know that there are things you do not want to share here about your M for fear of sounding as if you are excusing your behaviour. Don't worry. There are still some things that I have not shared here, and never will. You can never ever justify an A, and I never have, and I know you don't. But, you were clearly unhappy in your M. Did the A start when you were still with your H or had you already separated?

I never feel very well qualified to give specific advice to people. Each situation is different. However, I would tell you that before I found this site, I had been thinking about telling my H. Sadly, I left it too late, and he read some of my e-mail messages. Some things he should never have read, and I deeply regret that. I do think that irrespective of whether or not you and your H get back together, you need to tell him, before someone else does. It is not unreasonable that his cousin might, or if he has confided in someone else, they might too.

I would also suggest that you seek some councilling for yourself at this difficult time to help you sort things through and to get some personal support. It helped me immensely during the really dark days.

Finally, keep coming here. It helped me alot to understand myself and my behaviour.

Take care and wishing you well from London.
Lisa