Someone,

I too was WW and yes, there is no way to excuse an A although it sometimes makes things easier when we do try to excuse ourselves. I am so glad that you are not as that won't help you get through things at all. My A ended not long ago and my H is so supportive and so understanding - thank you H and thank you MB - I love you all!
Confession is never easy but believe me, it cleanses. I know that I felt guilty for weeks as it felt like I was betraying OM. It might sound funny here but that is exactly what I was feeling. Together with this was the pain of giving up someone that I really loved. I did not feel like getting up anymore and did not even know whether I wanted my wonderful H or not. I was SO alone and confused like you. If it can give you any hope, please do consider getting it out in the open, it sure brings you the healing you need so badly. Not quite at first as the other feelings might cloud your mind a bit but every day from then on will be better. People are a lot more understanding and forgiving than one might think, especially when you are honest, open and pure. It is a good feeling to be out of the fog, and I know it will happen to you too. You might have made the wrong decisions but at least you know you will never make the same mistakes again. Think of who you know you are inside, not what you think other people might think of you, and let that make you strong. Others will support you, I can assure you of that. They can't if you don't share....
Best of luck,
AD

Lisa & AD,

Thank you for your words of wisdom and encouragement.

I must admit that I am still in the withdrawal stage. It was just a month ago when it ended. The affair happened during separation with H.

How I wish I could come out in the open. Tell the truth and face the consequences. The A is with family member which makes it more difficult to deal with.

I am praying for strength and may God help me to get through with this.

Thank you...

<small>[ March 13, 2003, 03:18 PM: Message edited by: someoneout_there ]</small>

Just an update to keep you posted.

The OM called... he told me that his W asked him again about the truth between us. And again he denied it. No matter how hard he was forced/persuaded to admit it.This is the only way he knew to protect his M and our family for further damage. He is firm to keep it a secret up to his grave.

I let him know that I am not sure how long I could handle the guilt. And the more he initiate contact with me, the worst it will get.

To end the conversation, I told him that if he will call again, I will inform his W (my cousin)that he called.

I should have done that before at the start of our EA then it wouldn't have been turned to PA. Sometimes, it is difficult to do the right thing.
I know... I cannot undo the past... but we can change the future.

Thanks for all your help and encouragement.

~God Bless~

<small>[ March 19, 2003, 02:36 PM: Message edited by: someoneout_there ]</small>

Dear Someone

Good to see you back here. You did the right thing by telling OM that - he is being very disrespectful if he keeps calling you with "excuses".

I do understand what you are saying about the added dilema of having an A with a family member, but if you are going to try and rebuild your M, you will really need to come clean.

Have you been in touch with your H? Have you had any other feelings on whether you would like to try and work on your M? I know how confusing it is after ending thing with OM - don't worry we have all been there.

Take care and wishing you well from London.

Lisa

Dear Lisa,

Thank you for your reply. Hope all is well with you. Good luck and God bless you and you H inyour meeting tonight.

Yes, I've seen my H three times since he came back from his vacation almost three weeks ago. He brought gifts for our little girl and for me.

Honestly, right now... all I wish for the two of us is to be civil and be good parents to our little girl although we live separately.

Thanks, Lisa... I am thinking about you tonight... I'll pray for you.

Take care,
S

Hi "someone"!

As you know, I don't get to a computer much these days, but was able to visit today, and am so thrilled to see you here writing!

I am also very impressed with what you told your cousin about his calling you (to stop or you'd tell his wife) - stick to your guns on that - it is the right thing to do! He MUST not contact you ANYMORE.

The only way you can live without telling at this point is if you have no conscience... and BOY OH BOY do you HAVE A CONSCIENCE! It's prodding and needling you... and you are a believer, so it's WORSE... I know. Your faith is also on the line.

I just think it's inevitable that the truth will come out, and your cousin is only saving HIS SKIN (in his mind he's helping everyone in this scenerio, but don't believe him!) by keeping it secret.

I believe in total honesty, but lately I've begun to work through some of those same issues myself... you know, about privacy, and what's best kept to yourself... I have altered *some* of my views. But one way I have NOT is when a spouse KNOWS in their heart that there is something going on...

...and I'll tell ya, your cousin's wife KNOWS and will NEVER let this rest... she thinks she's going insane, because she KNOWS, and it WILL come out... how much better will it be if your husband knows ahead of time, BEFORE it hits the fan?

Of course, you and I have talked, and you have said that your husband is not an abusive man... that makes a huge difference. If you are safe, and the marriage is in the balance, why not start again with a clean slate... especially since this is eating you up inside?

Anyway, feel special <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ... I hardly ever write anymore... but you brought me out... I care!!

Hugs!!

<small>[ March 20, 2003, 09:10 PM: Message edited by: new_beginning ]</small>

Someone-

I've read your posts and the advice given to you by many of my "friends". You have really been blessed, as I have, with their wisdom and insightful guidance.....now here's mine.

I don't believe for a minute that you can ever start to heal inside unless you are true to yourself. The weight of that secret that you carry is going to become so heavy that it will be the only thing that you think about....Sort of like Edgar Allen Poe's - Heartbeat that only gets more intense....

You are not telling of the A to protect everyone around you. The fact is, you are also LYING to yourself if you believe this. What is the truth here?

Are you simply afraid of losing the respect of the people that you love? Yes, they will hurt when the truth is finally revealed, but the fact is - THEY ALREADY KNOW! They are looking for a validation to what they in their hearts feel but can't confirm. You also know this deep in your heart.

I can't express enough how liberating it is to finbally get that bursen off of your chest. You already are estranged from your H and have been. What do you have to lose by being honest? You aren't divorced now, being honest may not be the cause for a dicorce in the furture either.

If your husband wants to reconcile, don't you think that he should have all of the facts before he can really make that decision?

As for your cousin, You already are distancing yourself from her. I believe that she will be angry and hurt once the truth is revealed, but I also think that she has a right to make the choice of whether or not she will forgive you. You aren't giving her an opportunity to do that by denying the truth from her. She is going out of her mind thinking that she is crazy for imaginging what is REALLY the truth....Is that fair?

I don't mean to slam you. This isn't what I'm trying to do. I'm simply trying to get you to think about what the people you love are feeling. I was the WS too. I've been in your shoes (although not with an almost family member, but some of the things I did were MUCH worse than what you have done!)

Free yourself with the truth if you can.....

Someone,
Where does time go? I looked back to the beginning of your thread, back in early February, already!

I don't have much to add in the way of advice. MB believes in telling the spouse of the A. Other 'therapists' feel it does no good at all, just puts the burden on the other person. I feel as Kily does. If you don't tell, this will be like the heart in the Poe story.

Take care, and please keep us posted.

God bless,
HP

Dear Sheryl,

Thank you for visiting MB and thank you for your reply. I know you don't get to computer these days.

Yes, my conscience is bothering me. I knew it was wrong from the very beginning. God knows, how much I tried to stop it. But I wasn't able to do it.

And... NOW... I have to face the consequences. I am so sorry.

Best regards...

Dear Kily,

Thank you so much for your reply.

I agree in everything you've said. I can't ever start to heal unless I am true with myself and to everybody.

This is a nightmare for me and for the whole family. And all because of OM and my selfishness and wrong choices.

I wanted to free myself with the truth...BUT...I can't... I am so weak. I know this is the right thing to do. But I couldn't start to open up.

I really don't know where to find the courage... I am praying for God's help.

Thank you... thank you also to HP for your reply.

~God bless~