I think I've finally got it all worded the way I want it! I'll take the time to write it out by hand for my H later today, and drop it off sometime this weekend. Now's the last chance to prevent me from LBing or to provide me with feedback, pretty please.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> February 15, 2003

My dearest H,

This is a difficult letter for me to write, one that I have been mentally working on for some time now. I am writing this letter with the true love that only a wife can have for a husband. Please read every word I have written, for it is from the heart.

As I have told you before, all I really want is for us to be together, to work together to save our marriage, and to spend the rest of our lives together, as we had planned. I know the road to recovery is likely one paved with long, hard work, and we won’t return to being the same happy go-lucky couple we once were. Our perspective on our marriage and life has been forever changed. I’ll never take you or our marriage for granted again. I know I need to communicate my feelings to you better. I know I need to meet your needs better. I know that love isn’t just a magical force that two people fall into that will surround them forever, but that it is something we must work at, always.

I accept responsibility for my selfish and hurtful actions, and I know that they are the reason why we are apart. I cannot change the past H, but I have learned from my mistakes and I sincerely apologize to you. I have thought about my mistakes and I am willing to work hard to correct them and create a new life for both of us that will meet both our needs.

I have thought a lot about our marriage, our current situation and about where we are going. You know my thoughts and feelings. I love you, I want to be with you and work on making our marriage the best ever. I cannot guarantee anything, but I know that when we work together as a team, we do well. However, you still appear to be very much undecided about what you want.

You are the only person who can make choices for you and I will respect your decision, whatever it may be, whenever you make it. I hope that you will be happy in whatever you chose and that you find peace. You are my friend, my lover and my husband. I only want you to be happy, however that is possible.

However, I need to let you know that the current situation is becoming extremely stressful and hurtful for me. Your hurtful words, even if they come after several drinks, cause me a great deal of pain. I also have suffered a great deal knowing how close you are emotionally to two other women. To preserve the love I have for you and my own sanity I have come to a decision. I need to stop seeing you until you decide one way or the other about our marriage. This is not an ultimatum or a threat, it is simply a decision to have ‘no contact’. I know that I risk losing you forever, but I cannot continue to see you without putting pressure on you to make a decision. If you choose to come back and work on our marriage, I want to know that you have done it because you love me, and it is what you really want.

I hope with all my heart and soul that you will come back to me one day. Please make C and A or any other woman aware that I am your wife and that I want to work on our marriage. Please be honest with yourself, with me and them.

I do not want to lose you H. I want to be your wife, in every sense of the word. I want to hold you, talk with you, laugh and cry with you, comfort you, and share the joy of raising a family with you. I want to grow old with you. As much as I want this, you have made it clear that at this point you don't, and as long as you feel this way, I cannot be a part of your life

If, down the road, you have a change of heart and decide you want to give our marriage a chance, I am open to discussing it with you and working out a plan to restore our marriage and make it what it should be. However, I will need to know that you are committed to our marriage and to me. I still love you, and as I said before, I believe in our marriage and I am willing to do whatever is necessary, but until that time, please respect my wishes for no contact. Please do not contact me unless you decide that you want to discuss recovering our marriage.

I will be visiting with your mother and grandparents from time to time as I still value their friendship. If you and I cross paths while I am visiting, that is of course unavoidable, and I will interact with you in a kind and polite manner, as always. If you must contact me about anything financial or other important things other than our relationship, you can of course e-mail me. As for my mail, you can resume sending it to me via the truck mail I guess.

H, of course you have heard me tell you time and time again that I still love you, that I always have and I always will. I want to go down that long, hard road of life with you, the man I married, the man that I vowed in front of God, our family and our friends to be with for the rest of my life, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, as long as we both shall live.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7

H, we both chose to have P read this scripture at our wedding. It is how God believes love truly is and should be. It gives me hope that you and I can love each other forever. I pray that it will give you the same hope. It also means that I will be patient, and will wait for you. You are absolutely worth it.

With all my love,

Jennifer
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

That's beautiful Jen!

One thing that stands out to me, is the "I guess" (when referring to the mail being sent by the truck). You should take that out. It takes away from the confidence the rest of your letter shows, b/c it's a "wishy-washy-fence sitting kind of a phrase"... I guess. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Oh, and one more thing... are you sure you want to use "You know my thoughts and feelings"? You state them in the next sentence, so you might want to omit that sentence. It sounds a bit presumptuous by telling him (LBing) that he knows how you feel. Just a thought.

That's a nice touch, to hand write the letter. VERY personal, and just the way a love letter should be. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Karen

You asked...

A few points,

Don’t tell him what he knows or what he is feeling.

Put the same points in the same paragraph. It’s quite jumpy. You have no contact in three different paragraphs.

It is a bit wordy. I know you really want him to get what you mean but sometimes less is more. It will help him keep him from getting confused if you make it shorter.

1- I love you
2- I made mistakes. I am working to correct them & learn.
3- Your affair hurts & I cannot have any contact, If you must contact me then call ? I will change my mail
4- When you end the affair, we can discuss getting back together & working on the marriage
5- I love you and want it to work out

Change paragraphs 2,3,4 & 5 into 2 paragraphs.

Combine 6 & 10.

Combine 7, 8 & 11.

Please read every word I have written,
Don’t tell him what to do. Leave it out.

As I have told you before, all I really want is for us to be together, to work together to save our marriage, and to spend the rest of our lives together, as we had planned.
Take out "All I really want" because you also want to be happy with each other and other things.

Our perspective on our marriage and life has been forever changed. I’ll never take you or our marriage for granted again.
Not needed and you are telling him his feelings. Don’t.

However, you still appear to be very much undecided about what you want.
You are the only person who can make choices for you and I will respect your decision, whatever it may be, whenever you make it. I hope that you will be happy in whatever you chose and that you find peace. You are my friend, my lover and my husband. I only want you to be happy, however that is possible.
The Plan B letter should make it seem as if the ONLY possibility is ending affairs AND a return to marriage. Don’t give other possibilities and options. Those options are there but no need to point them out. Leave out, "I only want you to be happy, however that is possible." You WANT him to be happy with you!

However, I need to let you know that the current situation is becoming extremely stressful and hurtful for me. Your hurtful words, even if they come after several drinks, cause me a great deal of pain. I also have suffered a great deal knowing how close you are emotionally to two other women. To preserve the love I have for you and my own sanity I have come to a decision. I need to stop seeing you until you decide one way or the other about our marriage. This is not an ultimatum or a threat, it is simply a decision to have ‘no contact’.
Good. Change, "I need to stop seeing you until you decide one way or the other about our marriage" to " I will not have any contact with you until you decide to recommit to the marriage." Remember, don’t point out options. Change, "until you decide to" to "when you decide".

I know that I risk losing you forever, but I cannot continue to see you without putting pressure on you to make a decision.
Leave it out. Again, don’t point out options. Change it to. "I cannot continue to see you until you are willing to recommit to the marriage."

If you choose to come back and work on our marriage,
No! Remember young marriage builder, there is no "if", only "when."

I want to know that you have done it because you love me, and it is what you really want.
As long as he comes back, then you have a chance. The reason he comes back is almost irrelevant at this point. This puts pressure on him to "love you."

Please make C and A or any other woman aware that I am your wife and that I want to work on our marriage. Please be honest with yourself, with me and them.
Don’t tell him what to do. I recommend (as does Harley) you send a copy of this to C & A.

I do not want to lose you H. I want to be your wife, in every sense of the word. I want to hold you, talk with you, laugh and cry with you, comfort you, and share the joy of raising a family with you. I want to grow old with you. As much as I want this, you have made it clear that at this point you don't, and as long as you feel this way, I cannot be a part of your life
1st sentence is good. Change last to, "As long as you continue to see C & A, I cannot be a part of your life"

If, down the road, you have a change of heart and decide you want to give our marriage a chance,
No if, only when.

However, I will need to know that you are committed to our marriage and to me.
Remove it.

I still love you, and as I said before, I believe in our marriage and I am willing to do whatever is necessary, but until that time, please respect my wishes for no contact. Please do not contact me unless you decide that you want to discuss recovering our marriage.
Move this up to, "However, I need to let you know that the current situation."

If you must contact me about anything financial or other important things other than our relationship, you can of course e-mail me.
Move up to where you tell him no contact. Keep the same points in the same paragraphs.

As for my mail, you can resume sending it to me via the truck mail I guess.
Put in change of address form at post office.

Jen, I think it's progressing nicely. One point that stuck out to me was:

Please make C and A or any other woman aware that I am your wife and that I want to work on our marriage. Please be honest with yourself, with me and them.

If you think you need a line like that in there, I would phrase it differently. It sounds very judgemental and kind of demanding. Like...you better tell the truth you big liar and tell those girls I'm your wife and want to work this out. I know it's not what you mean...but remember, he's angry and spiteful right now. He'll turn that line around on you in a heartbeat.

Maybe something more along the lines of: I wish C & A knew the truth of how I feel for you and how much I want to work things out.

Sounds more caring...less finger pointing.

If I come up with any more ideas I'll let you know. One point I would make would be to not get so stuck on a deadline for the letter to be sent. This letter is really important...I would think that the content is more important than the timing. If you can walk away from it and get your head somewhere else for a while, then come back to it and try it again...and TRY to read it from his already skewed perspective...you might be able to "flame proof" the letter so he CAN'T turn it around on you.

Take care!!!

Overall it is beautiful. You have been given some wonderful feedback. I really cannot add anything to what has already been said. Only that I know the pain of this whole ordeal...your letter brought me to tears. And I wish you peace.

ayslyne

I think I need to take hope4future's advice and leave this letter to sit for a while. I spent time with my H's grandparents, and then his mom today. I'm left feeling so sad it isn't funny. My H is really a mess still over the loss of his father. My MIL said he just totally broke down again last night. I can't dump this on him now. No way. It's selfish.

Jen

I think I need to take hope4future's advice and leave this letter to sit for a while.
Good idea.

You can demonstrate your love for him while he is grieving and in pain. Believe it or not, this is a good time to make powerful deposits into the love bank.