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Yes, 'I'm still here No I still don't know what I'm going to do. But I'm leaning more towards TELLING as I'm having a harder time dealling with it each day. I'm not even shure now if I want to save my M. Yes he forsure is a pastor I've been to his chruch's web site seen his picture and read about all the wounderfull things he's doing. Our lives are falling down around us in all phases. I feel like I need to get her out of my life and just start over. I hate to do this because of our kids but I fear it will only get worse if we all stay here and let this go on. The only proof that I have are some e-mails with much sex talk. She changed her password so I'm not able to print them anymore. But I did see where she had gone to an erotic greeting card web site the other night. Oh and I got no erotic e-mails from her so he must have. Thanks for all the replies from both sides, I know you all want the best for me and for that many thanks. 20years, not to be 21 years
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20years,
I know this is hard to deal with. But before you throw all of it away, think of this. You have basically two choices. One to try to work on the M and save it. Two, file for divorce and break up the family. Biblically speaking, you have the right to do either one. Either way there are things you will need to address. You will need to identify the things that lead your W to the point of feeling it was better to have an A than to have you meet all her needs. You have to take responsibility for them and make a decision to correct that behavior. Would it be better to start fixing those things and keep your family in tact and have your W love you once again or go through with a D only to realize you still need to fix those things anyway? Either way there will be some fixing you will need to do. Personnally, I would never want to end a M unless I could say that I've done everything possible to save it first.
If it were possible to have her back and have a M that was better than you ever dreamed about having would you want it? I have used the MB principles here and it has really helped me save my M. Granted there is still a ways for us to go but, I can tell you, I'm not freaking out any more. My W is meeting more of my needs than ever before. I'm a better husband. We've both learned quite a lot in the last 15 months since d-day. This year we will celebrate our 20th anniversary.
There are many people here that have been in your shoes that can help guide you through this mess. WAT is one of them and there are others that will chime in if they feel they have something to add. There is a treasure chest of information here, read it. I recommend two books "Torn Asunder" and "Surviving An Affair". There are others, but first things first.
I hope you take some time and listen to some to the people here before you decide. Also there are a few people here that are still in much pain that will tell you to how do things. My advice is to look at their stories and see how long they have been posting before you take their suggestions to heart. Above all else, listen for God to lead you, He will. Get into His word and get to know Him better that you ever have. Pray, worship and post here when you need to vent. And if I can help in any way I'd be glad to.
Hope you let the MB'ers here help.
Bless you.
S&C
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Has this kind of degenerated into a horse-pi$$xxg contest? LOL!!
A wise person said to me once....the hardest questions to answer are the ones which bring forth the strongest convictions...and many a weak fool has hidden behind the walls of strong convictions....
20years- I do not judge you, I just want to encourage you to draw closer to God, and let Him guide you. My empathy for your honest desire to do the right thing in the midst of this difficult situation cannot allow a judgement. If you weren't looking for wisdom and guidance, you would never have posted your question, am I right?
As long as you can face your maker someday and take full responsibility for your decision, and the results of that decision....or non-decision....no other human being on the face of the planet has the right to judge you.
Also, as long as you are leaning toward TELLING, can I fuel that spark a bit? You have children to protect. YOUR FLESH AND BLOOD! Little gifts from God that you are 100% responsible for, in the absence of Godly behavior from your spouse.
Go to OM first...State it simply and to the point- It's proven fact...broken homes damage children, sometimes more permanently than could ever be imagined. By YOU, OM, injecting yourself into MY marraige, you are very likely to be a major cause of a divorce, which will harm my children....do you really think thaat the ONE that you profess to work for will tolerate this? Or will you be one of the ones who proclaim miracles in Jesus' name on the Day of Judgement, while He says "Away from me you evil doer! I know you not!"....I'm hereby putting you on official notice that I will do everything in my power, with careful seeking of guidance and wisdom, to keep my children as clean as possible from the effects of your filth, as a godly father is directed.
Actually, at that point, OM can choose to be or not to be the instrument of his own destruction....Make OM choose which way it's to be. According to my interpretation of Scripture, this is between the men, as leaders of their households....and the elders, as caretakers of the church...let OM deal with his own W. You should not usurp his proper place in that matter. Do not inject yourself into his marraige! Besides, you have your hands full with your own W, from what I see!
May God grant you peace and strength for the coming tribulations and trials that you apparently must face.....may you ultimately hear the Loving Voice from Above...."Well done, my good and faithful servant!" Amen!
Know that extra prayers for you are being lifted from Western Hell-i-nois..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <small>[ February 19, 2003, 07:25 PM: Message edited by: HelenWheels ]</small>
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20 yrs. one thing is certain. You cannot begin to recovery, or work on your marriage until this is done with! No contact initiated. Then, perhaps you can begin to communicate with your W and get into counseling. She desperately needs it seems to me. I would tell before it can become a PA. That to me is even harder to heal from. Though I am not saying an EA is not hurtful and damaging. Very painful either way. For as bible says, to think it in ones heart, they have already done the deed! Of course, it's not those words exact, but you know the scripture, I think. Many a marriage has survived Adultery, and become good marriages again. While it's right to examine what you can or might do to meet W's emotional needs, it in no way means you are responsible for her behavior, A, and should be no guilt on you. You don't own this as Dr.Phil says! I still contend the OM's wife should know. The suggestion for someone close to her to tell her was so she might have someone for support. A caring, loving friend rather than a stranger! And she definitely would need someone to help her through the shock, pain and anger. How wrong could it be to have that person be a close friend? I'd prefer that to just having it blurted out by a stranger. And i'm certain somewhat that her H will never tell her. He'll just leave her in the dark and go on to his next victim. If she knows, then she is forewarned, and he knows he's being watched! Most WS's who want to recovery marriage will certainly try to do the right thing when they've been revealed! Her knowing is helpful in having him make efforts to correct his behavior and work on his own M and self. The excitement of the A loses it's appeal when it is no longer a secret! I am the one who said he may not be a pastor. Thinking unless you had proof, it might just be some sicko other than this man playing with your W. I suppose I wanted to believe it was not a man who has been called to serve God. Evidently, you know it is, so he's obviously in the wrong calling. Sic I say this because it would seem to be he has not fully given himself to serving, is not morally ready or capable of being in this trusted position! It does happen, but then there are also many who think they're saved, proclaim to be, but are not. The words alone will not change anyone. It's the heart that God examines! So, as Dr.Phil says, you aren't ready to say the word divorce until you have done everything you can possibly do to save the marriage. Then if it can't be, you can walk with a clear conscience. Never wondering if you'd done this or that what might have been. The first step in most situations of this sort is bringing it all out in the light. It won't end until it's no longer being shut away in the closet. Will Om, W, be embarrassed? Possibly. Then they are the ones who knew the risk and went for it. If not, then they've no moral conscience at all. When you play, you pay. The cost should not always fall on the BS's shoulders! I see no reason to protect the WS or OP. I had many friends who I went to for solace. Christian friends who have helped me a great deal. And are forgiving as well as teaching me to forgive. None said beat WS up, divorce him or any of the things you think one would. They were compassionate, and helpful in letting go and forgiving. Keeping me from being worse than I was with anger and bitterness. Loving and caring is what I got. And all still love my FWH. Because they are True Christians. You know, hate the sin, love the sinner? Sometimes, helping one out of the pits of hell is not easy. It may require tough love, and letting them take a few knocks.But that's a lot better than just walking away and letting them sink deeper into the pit. God bless, LouLou
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P.S. and for the record. I did let OW's H know. And sent him copy of all emails between them. Told him names of hotels, times, dates, everything! Did it help me? You bet! His W had her chance because I told her if she didn't tell him I would. She continued to phone and email my H, so I did as I promised. That ended all contact after he called my H, and kicked her out of their home. He did let her back, but only on condition there never be any contact of any kind ever again! This made it a lot easier for me and my H to work on our marriage. He wasn't being pulled two ways at once! Not only was I angry and he knew about to quit, but he got it from her H too! Telling her H was best thing I did for me and my H! Yep, they were both angry and I was the bit--! But with her H threat to mine, and my threats to her, they got their acts together and quit screwing around! Now two marriages are still in tact. At least I think theirs is too. But not my problem anymore. I did what I had to do. H and I are doing great and it's been over a year now. He acts totally in love with me again, and says it's the stupiest thing he ever did to cheat on me. She's not even a blip on his radar! We are very loving and active again in SF and communication. The love is growing back daily. But I can assure you, had it not been revealed as it was, they would have continued I believe and I would not be here now. At least I know they would have continued on internet and phones, possibly in person too. She lives many states away also. With both BS's knowing, and making the ultimatums, they both knew it was over. Obviously neither were ready to give up their marriages for each other! The pressure sure makes it tough to mess around when you're under the gun of BS's. Takes all the wind out of their sails. Just telling you how it worked for us. And I'd do it all over again the same way. Scream it from the roof tops if necessary to stop them. Their suffering of embarrassment is nothing compared to the pain I felt. Never can be either. of course, OW about died when I talked. Thought I was awful person. Gee, you think? Called my H at work with her sob story of being kicked out of home. So upset her H knew what she's been doing. You know what? He deserved to know what he was married to. His decision if he wanted to stay with a Whor- or walk. Obviously, due to financial situation and his being older, he told me he'd just let it go and if she rode off into sunset, so be it. That he had no problem forgiving, but he had a lot of problem with deceit and lies. From what I hear, they now live just like room mates as they did before. And she stays for the finances. Doesnt' sound like they have much going for them but that's their problem if they choose not to make it a good marriage now. It wasn't before, so she's not helped it along with this either. We have made the commitment to restore our marriage and its' working great. BTW, I had lot of problem with it at first, for months, but finally one day, I decided to give it all over to God because I couldn't carry it anymore. From that time on it's been healing daily. I had to let it go afterwards. Just too damaging on health. And once it was done, H has been getting better and better to me. We got it all out, piece by piece and it was terrible during those times. Fights, arguments, bad. He wants to forget due to his guilt. And is making all the efforts to amend things. Glad I told her H and many others. It keeps her afraid to mess with me now or my H. LOL LouLou
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20yrs. Update? how you doing.how is WW doing? Prayers with you. LouLou
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Hi LouLou, Thanks for asking but theres not much to update right now. As you saw on my latest post WW said that she is 90 percent sure that she wants to move out of state and start her life over. I still don't know what to do or say to her I'm just trying to be the best person that I can be right now. I don't think she has any idea how much it's going to cost her to move anywhere and start over. But if I try to bring that up she just says that I'm just trying to hang on. I still tell her that don't want her to leave and that I love her but I'm not saying anything about working on M or anything like that I'm just letting her know that I want her to stay. Not sure what I should be saying to her. Somthing is up with OM as I tried to e-mail him with a nice long NC letter but his e-mail is no longer active. If I try to bring him up to her she just gets mad and want talk about it. I did find out that OM's parents still live in same home town where WW is wanting to move. I've seen where WW has been doing a search on his name on internet but keeps getting his old e-mail address. I don't think that she has talked to him lately but I don't know if he may have been found out and moved back to home town or what. I'm going to keep calling the church till I get someone so I can find out where he is. He may have just got caught by his wife who made hime stop contact. If WW is wanting to move back to their old home town I don't know if she is the one now who's just trying to hang on. She says it's because she still has family and friends there and it would be a good place to start over. She says she's not moving till end of May so I still have a little time left. I wish I could get her to come here and post her side of the story and mabe get some replies fom former WS's that can tell her what se's in for. She just thinks there is no chance of getting her love back for me and say's that she doesn't even want to if she thought she could. I still don'tknow if this is just FOGLATIN or her true feelings. She say's she never really loved me like she should have but her actions and words used to say differently. She say's that it's not going to change no matter what so I may try to get her to come here and post since it would only be for my peace of mind and she doesn't have anything to lose anyway. What do you think is that a bad idea
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It's not a bad idea...but it may not do any good either. (her coming to this site) I hope you're able to contact either this man or his W or his church and find out what's going on there. It is possible that he's cut ties with your W for his own selfish reasons whatever they might be (W found out, fear of losing his position), and she's in withdrawal.
Might be time to download some spy software on your computer to find out what is going on. If she isn't in contact with him...sorry, but she may have other contacts you don't know about yet.
Good Luck!
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20years,
Almost everything your W is saying is what my W said for nearly 10 months after d-day. However, just a couple of months after d-day she said "things would have been much easier if you hadn't changed. If I leave now, it will look like I'm the bad guy."
The reason I tell you that is because, a couple months of a good Plan-A can make a difference. It can delay your W's plans for moving out, and bring her out of the fog a little. That may give you a little more time for you to continue your Plan-A with the hopes of her not moving out at all.
Personally, I wouldn't have my W post here until our recovery was a little better. I have seen a few cases where some of the newer MBer's (who are still hurting from there own A's) really attack any WS's that try to post. They have been quite venumous at times. I've seen it from one or two older MBer's as well.
Besides, she might not take any advice that doesn't agree with her line of thinking at the moment. Above all else, keep being the best husband you can be (good plan-a). Give her an idea of what she will miss if she does leave. Love her in ways she will understand and keep praying for her. And keep trying to reach OM.
God bless you and keep us posted.
S&C
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 20years: <strong> She say's she never really loved me like she should have but her actions and words used to say differently. She say's that it's not going to change no matter what so I may try to get her to come here and post since it would only be for my peace of mind and she doesn't have anything to lose anyway. What do you think is that a bad idea</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">20years, she is talking SMACK. [or FOGLATIN as you say to my neverending amusement <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ] This is what all the WS's say when they are in the throes of addiction. And then the farther they get from the fantasy, the better the BS looks to them. This is all routine. Just hang in there, do a great Plan A and DON'T lovebust her and she will come back.
Why did she give a moving date that is so far away? That tells me that she really has no desire to move at all and is just throwing a fit of sorts. It sure buys you some good time, though.
Have you identified her top needs? What needs was the OM filling and how can you step in and fill that hole?
I am dubious about your suggestion to send her to this website. First off, it is a lovebuster to try and educate the WS and secondly, she doesn't seem even slightly interested in working on her marriage right now. She sounds closed off and angry to me. Also, do you really want her invading your main source of support here? Don't you really need the help right now?
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