Your H is being so disrespectful of you... I don't know what advice to give you... I'm the type that would at least act like I had my own BF on the side, since he seems to have made this an open marriage. Go ahead hun, you have fun. Johnny boy will be taking good care of me while you are gone...

I know that's not the right way, so I probably shouldn't be giving advice...

hi i just spent 20 mins typing a reply and comments that sounded so good and hit a wrong button and it went to the lost posts in the web. well any way what i wanted to say in a short version is. i just found this site last week because i was feeling alittle down only because it is that time of year again 2yrs since i was told. it ended for good mothers day of 2001. i didn't know about plan a or b so i don't realy no if i handled it in the right order or the right way. i do know that i feel very blessed that we have worked our marriage out and that we are happier now than we were before. one thing that i did do is the tough love after putting up with the A for 4 months off and on while he was at the house. i enjoyed the day i repeated some of the things that he had on a phone conversation with her i did have the tape going. i did enjoy when i punched him in the face and he had a mark and had to go to work like that and i did enjoy thowing his things out on the lawn in the daylight for all the world to see because i was in charge,thats how it made me feel any way, i also loved finding them outside the local pub wrapped in each others arms and them seeing me pull in with a vengence[i don't have a mercedes] but yesshe was scared to death of me and thatts the way i liked it. but that was then and this is now. you need to go to counc and find friends that are suppoortive of youe decision to work things out. i tried to only talk about this with friends that were understanding and not judgemental. those friends that told me to get rid of him and divorce him were not healthy friends at that time. I was not afraid to tell anyone i talked to that i loved him and i will do anything to save my marriage and not lose everything we worked for together. the last thing i was going to do is hand over my h and my house to her and that is what she wanted and to top it off she was sure she would get our kids within a month or two. hearing that made me more determined to fight..she was married with 2 kids and her h thought it was all a lie and that i was a phyco. i tried several times to contact him to talk but she had him so buffaloed[sp] i didn't get a chance. she was waiting for a nest to fall into and it wasn't mine. she didn't want to leave her home untill she knew she had a place to go. [ i sure can get off the track sorry.] any way i did the tough love thing i guess because i made it my decision if i wanted him in my life. i again made arrangements to leave on mothers day and someone i still don't know who or how he found out told him and that was the turning point in our life. he did a turn around and ended the relationship that day. he knew i was going and that was the end. I will never forget how he looked when he asked me if he could please stay and begged me to forgive him. it took a long time for me to truly with my whole heart to do that but one thing i know i never stopped loving him and prayed everyday with our children for the lord to help him and to heal this marriage. i thank god every day for that and i know through this who my true friends are. i hope and pray you can work out your marriage. i hope this makes sence to you.

Thisisnotright - the last sentence of your last post, about how it's a good thing that your WH is not saying it is over, is, IMHO, not really a good thing at all. Your WH is sitting on the fence, eating mouthfuls of cake. He will probably keep things the way they are now for as long as you let him. I suppose it's better than serving you with divorce papers, but the limbo you are living in is h*ll. He is being disrespectful and, as you have said, has shown you no actions toward truly ending his A. Since you have had a session with SH, you have gotten some tried-and-true advice. The most satisfying thing for you to do is work on yourself, which is part of Plan A if I understand it correctly. If you work on YOU, you will have less time to be hurt by your H. My thoughts are with you.

LabLady

Sandra, I am glad things worked out for you.

I am so tempted to use Tough Love approach and just kick him out, maybe then he will realize that this is serious and that I have no time for his games. He moved out for 2 days when I showed him hard evidence of his lies and his plans. He cried, packed his bag, said he loves me and that I don't understand him and that this is hard on him etc. Then the next day called asked if he could come back as hotels are expensive and that he can pay me for staying at home.
I said OK you can come back. Should have then set my boundaries and say " Sure, Hon you can come back once you are done with her", but I didn't. Huge mistake.

Lablady, you are absolutely right my H is enjoying his cake. SH said that if I have a stomach for Plan A I should still continue with it, but not for too long, as my H is disrespectful and he is sitting on the fence. Steve said that if I am satisfied with my Plan A and that if the msg is clear then I can go on to Plan B, but there is no turning back. I only have a month as I believe my H has taken a job with the same company OW works for and that is in diff state. I am afraid he is just going to abandon me and that will be it.

He left for the airport as this time she is coming over. He phoned me saying don't worry we will talk and work things out, I said you have till the end of the month (I just can't wait any longer), he said we'll see. He's leading me on again. I called 10 min later, he did not pick up the call, probably b/c she arrived already so he did not want to talk to me in front of her, but he's Ok talking to her when I am around (at home).
He is making me sick, more and more every day. He is telling me lie after lie after lie. When she came over couple of weeks ago, he told me she surprised him and that this was last minute thing, but I saw his visa statement and he purchased the ticket for her two weeks in advance. He is lying and covering up everything.

Also, we were suppose to go to a party this weekend that one of our friends is having. He asked me if I am going and I am planing to go. He asked me to lie for him if they ask why he did not come. I lied 2 weeks ago. I think people are suspecting that things are not good between us, as we are avoiding everybody. He does not talk to his friends any more. He is trying to isolate himself from his friends and family as he knows that if he decides to leave me and move away then he is going to lose everyone.

bump

Not Rignt:

If you feel like he may abandon you, don't you think you should talk to a lawyer? One of the most important things for you to do right now is to protect yourself from him. My WS knows full well what I still plan to do if he does not prove NC with the OW by a certain time.

I know its hard. It was hard for me. However, it has been so much better since I have gotten tougher. I have felt much better about myself overall and my WS has treated me with more respect.

I know you feel awful on these weekends when he is away. Actually, its easier for me for him to stay gone all the time than to do like he used to do and only stay home during the week. This way it is clear and obvious what he is doing. He does not have to be as deceitful.

Thanx Mimi for your reply I always value your feedback. SH also recomended that I ask my lawyer about abandonment. I don't think my H would do this, but then again I did not think he would cheat on me either. I am going to book an appointment this weekend to see a lawyer.
Are you saying that your H used to be gone with OW for the weekends? Was he calling you while he was gone? Was he telling you where he was going and with whom?
Mine is saying that he wants to end it, but just doesn't know how. I gave him until the end of the month as I can not take it anymore. I know I should not set deadlines and be demanding, but he has no respect for me. If he can not end it now, then I want him out of the house. I have to do it, as he just doesn't care about how I feel.
I am so depressed today, I don't know how I am going to react when he gets home. I need to be strong.

Wow I am sitting here reading as my H is out tonight with OW.
I have been there and back and made plenty of mistakes .
don't beat yourself up , I found out about H 's A by tracking him down like a dog and knew it all along but he denide and denied till I court him with her . Then I exposed it to all ,family ,friends and any one I could tell .
(before i found MB) My husband was avoiding everyone before his A was exposed I made excuse after excuse . After I court him I told all .
H left before I court him , I asked him to leave cause i knew there was something he did leave , after i exposed it it took 4 months before he begged and begged .
MISTAKE I fell into , I will TRY and break it off but it will take time bare with me .

I did and 5 mons. was great I mean they had contact but every time every day he was remorse full . NOW he is eating cake so bad he gained 20 lbs. LOL

H is still seeing her telling me he does nothing with her she just won't leave him alone .

sorry rammbling , Take the advice here and with SH plan B the minute he comes home and says he didn't break it off , expose his A after that and he will be back or maybe the resaon he is getting new job is to avoid everyone he knows when you expose it or for when he is ready to D you. (sorry jmho) . It is hard to imagine someone you love and knew turning into this coward thats the hard part is one day MAYBE knowing that this is that person .
TAKE CARE OF YOU !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not Right:

I think having to face the reality of and pay the consequences for his actions made a difference with my WS. I told his friends from the very beginning, even calling them by cell phone from the motel after I caught him. He had been denying to them that he was having an A after I told them that I suspected it. They are my "allies" just like Steve H. told me. He has had a hard time facing them.

Plus after I went to the lawyer, my WS learned how much he was obligated to pay me each month. I remain clear to him about my plan to get a legal separation if he continues contact with the OW.

I am going to tell you again like I told you before! Read the Dobson book on Love Must Be Tough. I encourage you to try this approach with your WS. It isn't "kicking him out" like you say. It is giving him permission to go if he chooses. The approach also requires no crying, begging or pleading.

It sounds like to me that your WS may be like mine in that he already has a plan to leave, using home as a motel. If he leaves, there's a good chance that he will want to come back. While he is there, he does not miss you. At least, your WS is being nicer to you than mine was; I mean, at least, he is saying that he wants to end the A. My WS would not even discuss the A with me at all.

I'm not as experienced as the others but I would continue to try PLAN A as long as possible, not LBing when he comes home.

My WS did go away each weekend like yours. Before D-Day, he would call and give lame excuses like, "I had to get away". After D-Day, when he had his plan to leave, he was mostly just as "sweet as pie" during the weekdays and then stay gone all weekend. He told me recently that he was hoping that I would be angry when he returned in order to justify his behavior to himself. Along the lines of, she's a b&#tch so I need to leave her on the weekend.

Those weekends were awful for me. I know how you must be feeling. Folks on this board really helped to pull me through. I did my venting here so that by the time he came home I could maintain my PLAN.

Your first step now is to see that lawyer. OKAY?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by thisisnotright:
<strong>Also, we were suppose to go to a party this weekend that one of our friends is having. He asked me if I am going and I am planing to go. He asked me to lie for him if they ask why he did not come. I lied 2 weeks ago.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Stop lying for him.

One thing that has to happen is for the affair to see the light of day. Don't help him keep it secret. Read the links embedded in the link in my sig line below and get Steve's advice on how to "out" the affair. His family and friends will find out eventually about OW if the affair continues long enough to cause divorce. So they may as well find out now, while there's still time to save the marriage. Removing the secrecy is all that's necessary to end some affairs.

Thisis

did he go this weekend...
is he back...
what did he say this time to justify his actions?

ark

Mimi I have been reading all your treads and I agree that our Hs are alike. I made a mistake back in January when he moved out for couple of days, after I revealed to him that I know about his plans and that he is lying to me, I should have not let him come back. He cried and said that he loves our daughter and me and that he made a mistake. I told him then that I know that he said to OW that he is 120% sure about this and that he wants to marry her. He said that I do not understand him and that he just said that b/c she makes him feel good. I should have told him then "Yes, dear you can come back once you're done with OW". I didn’t and he is walking all over me now. Mine too is mostly sweet during the week, makes promises so that he can just go away for the weekend. He is threatening me saying that if I tell anybody anything it will be even more difficult to reconcile, as everybody would know.

Couple weeks ago when he went away for the weekend, he called me when he got back saying that he really missed me. Also, that he loves me, and that the times he went away before he did not miss me as much as this time. Then he went to see our new house that is being build was really excited about it. Came home took me to lunch; we had a great time together. Then we went to visit our friends and we also had a good time. However, he was rushing home, so that he could call OW. On our way home he said that he needs to end this A, and that he does not know how. Also said that he does not need my help and he said that he started it so he has to end it by himself.

Then on Valentine’s weekend he went away to be with OW. I told him that this is our D first V-Day, and that he is going away, what kind of memories are we I going to have of this day. I told him that he should be spending this time with our daughter. He said that he has booked his ticked long time ago and that he can‘t back down now. He also said that he will be going away the next weekend and that he is sorry (as he knew we had a B-day party to go to). After the V-Day weekend I think he has changed again. I mean every time he is on his way home he calls me says nice things to me and then when he is actually home he ignores me. As I suspected, he called me several times on his way home, but I was not there. I went to visit my MIL. He was upset that I was not home, and has changed his plane ticket to the last flight to be with OW longer (this is what he has told me but I do not believe it as he always books the last flight home). Sent me 2 text msg to my cell, one saying “I love you” and the other saying “ I wish things were different”. I came home on Monday, he had an award ceremony at work, and so we did not see each other in the morning. He called me from work saying that he is going out with friends afterwards. At 1:30am I called him to ask where he was, and he was a little bit drunk and said that he is going to a club. I said you are married man and I asked him to come home. He said that he is coming home. I said if you love me then come home now. He came home 3:00 am. Woke me up, wanted to have s*x, but I said no. He also told me that he won an award and a trip for 2 for 2 nights to a resort up north and said he wants to take me there.

The next morning when he woke up he said to me, “I have screwed up a perfectly good marriage” gave me a kiss and went to work. He does not call me from work during the day, and we do not speak much when he gets home from work, so I do not expect much from him. However, there are times that I basically run after him to get something out of him. I ask questions about his day at work, or if he is tired or if there is anything he would like to eat. He usually, does not talk to me about his day at work, as he talks to her about all that, so he has no need to talk to me about it.

I think she meets his conversation and sex fulfillment EN. It is hard for me to meet them as he is not interested in either of them with me. How can I meet those needs, if he is refusing to talk to me and even though he sleeps in our bed he usually turns his back at me and goes to sleep. Does not want me to even touch him. Before I was able to cuddle with him, and we had s*x but now he is not interested at all. He once told me that he feels like he is cheating her with me, and me with her.

Last week we have been shopping for appliances for our new home, but he is not really showing any enthusiasm. Before he was really excited whenever we went to get something for our new home. Before he went away this time he said that he is picturing himself sitting in the new home with D and me. Said that he is going to end the A, but does not know how. Said to me not to worry. I don’t believe him as he only says that to me whenever he is going away, or when he is back, otherwise does nothing about it. He knows that this is what I would like him to do, so he just says that but does nothing about it.

Are confused yet? So am I. I mean he swings back and forth. One day he thinks about our future, by saying that he wants to buy stuff for our home, and that he is picturing himself with us, the next he is not talking to me and ignores anything I say, does not call and leaves for the weekends. That's why I am not sure if he is sincere.

I feel that in part this is my fault, because I came to accept this behaviour. He goes away every weekend, he is scared of my reactions that’s why he is nice to me before he goes away and when he is back. I do not LB so he is acting like nothing happened, even though it hurts me every time he goes away. This time I told him that this is his last weekend away that I will not tolerate this any longer. His answer was “Will see”. I also said that he has to end his A by the end of the month.

He did not come home yesterday. He called my cell left a msg. but the reception was bad and I did not understand a word he was saying, so I don’t know why he did not come home and what happened. I did not call him back. Should I check if he is Ok? Should I call him? It was snowing yesterday all day so maybe her flight got cancelled so they stayed one more night. I am not sure?

My plan is to totally ignore him when he gets home, and then when my D is asleep I will say that I am going out to meet friends. Let him wonder. I won’t ask him any questions about his weekend.

Maybe I was to pushy for the last couple of weeks, so that assured him that I still love him. I need to pull back a little bit. It is hard with him at home to not to talk to him or ask questions etc. I could work on a strong plan A for couple of days and then I am back to begging and pleading. I know this does not work.

I read SAA and Love must be tough. Great books, lots of good advice. I will try the Dobson approach and see if I accomplish anything. I have to pull back as I am pushing too much, mainly b/c I am afraid that I have only a month to win him back (that is if he got that job).

What do you all think?

<small>[ February 24, 2003, 02:02 PM: Message edited by: thisisnotright ]</small>

H is back and acting like he was with me this weekend. Called me on my cell asking where I am, and smiled when I ask him why he did not come home yesterday. Said that b/c of snow flight got cancelled so I guess she did not fly home yesterday so she stayed over one more night.
He said that now he is at the store buying appliances. I turned off my cell phone, do not want to talk to him. Do you think this is Lbing? What am I suppose to say to him when he gets home? I want him out of the house, I hate him for doing this to me. I am so depressed today, I just can not take this anymore.

I need you guys, please respond. What should I do?

<small>[ February 24, 2003, 02:11 PM: Message edited by: thisisnotright ]</small>

Thisis, My H. and yours could be twins. Mine also feels guilty about betraying her and won't touch me, hold me even and won't even stay the night even if there was no sex involved. It's amazing how much we put up with, but we know if they could see what they were doing things could change between us. I think my H. feels like he is on a quest to find the right person for him, instead of making himself the right person. Everyone who has responded seems to be in the same place and it is so sad. It is so hard to read all of this, it's like reliving everything for the last year and a half. I don't really have any great advice, it seems like I have tried everything and nothing has worked. Right now my H. is trying to find a job so is concentrating on that and the OW of course. He got upset because everyone came over on Sat. and it was impromptu, my D. set it up, for my GD birthday and no one called him. "oh I figured I just wasn't invited again" Well, if he were involved with his real family not his pretend one he would know what was going on, but likes to push the responsibility off on me, but I don't take it anymore. He can be silent for days cause he is on his own now and I am not calling him to talk that much anymore, so he is out of the loop. Like they all seem to be! But somehow it is the BS fault if their kids are mad at them and don't approve of what they do. Take care, I hope things get better and you can see a clear way to go for you. It is hard to back off and it took me forever, I was a basket case thinking about being without him, but I've baeen without him for almost 2 yrs now and I'm surviving and I know I will if I have too.

Hi,

Ok here's my 2 cents since your story is sooo reminscent of mine and not in a good way.....

He is placating you. Being a cakeman and thinks his I don't know excuses will buy him more time. Yea, it may be he really doesn't know how to end the A....why? Because she is still filling SOME needs. Note SOME not all...... So why get rid of either one? Why not string both along???

Now if he is doing that to you, he may also be doing that to the OW. Imagine that!??!? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

ARe you mad yet? Well you should be. Now what will you do with that anger? Use it wisely and productively.

In my case, after many of those long battles with me meeting some needs and the OW meeting others..... I decided to let the OW meet ALL his needs...... Yep, he implied he didn't need me. So I decided to call the bluff. I knew he did but decided that no longer want 1/2 a man. I told him to take the half he left here (dirty laundry, bills, status, security,etc.) and take it to the OWs place. I even took a bag of his laundry and hung it on her front door.

R U laughing yet? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Well you should because I did. A lot. There's more to that story when it made it's own MB debut in 2001.

I also gave my Ws an illustration. How about if I washed 1 pant leg or cooked your dinner 1/2 way? Is that acceptable? If so, I will do so. BEcause that is how I feel he was treating me. Coming home basically using our family for his needs and leaving so the OW could fulfill the rest. WEll enough of that!

Think about this and before you implement anything, let us know what you think.

take care,
L.

Thisis

why not be happy when he comes in...then say well dear...you need to watch kiddie-pie this evening ...I gotta run out..got some things to do...
look fabulous...smell even better....kiss him on the cheeck...tell he looks good...

and be gone..."call on the cell if it's something MAJOR>....otherwise I be home later".... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

ARK

How long has the A. been going on? My H. left voluntarily, I didn't want him to go at that time, but it was better in some ways. Though it gave him more opportunity to do what he wanted too. ?And I spied on him and that made things worse too. It's easier now to not know what he is up to. He doesn't come home and just ignore me and I can do what I want to, even tho it is lonely and I get sad thinking of everything he has ruined. And he is still feeling sorry for himself, because he isn't involved with us or his kids and granddaughter, but that is his choice. I think if you can't stand the way he is treating you, let him go or tell him to go. If he wants her then tell him you are letting him go and if he wants you it has to end. It's too hard to be in the same house with the disrespect going on. He's acting like his home is a hotel and just has a place to stay out of necessity. That is not right.

He came home went to see our daughter that was asleep at the time, said Hi to me and went upstairs. I followed. He asked me how was my weekend and what was I doing. I did not want to give him direct answers. Then I asked him how was his weekend, he just said fine. I really did not feel like talking to him, he wanted to know all about my weekend, but would not say anything about his.

Then we talked about buying appliances. We always wanted stainless steel, they are expensive, I asked him how we are going to pay for them, and he said that we would take 15 months no payment plan. I asked "And how we are going to pay for it after 15 months" He said I don't know. Before he said that we would use his bonus to cover for that. He said that if this is too expensive then we can buy just regular ones and, as they are almost half the price. This tells me that he is not planning to be here in 15 months, otherwise why would he not know how we are going to pay for them. I did some LBing as he just threw me off the balance. He then said that our marriage would never work out, as I have not changed and that I would always bring back his A. I blew it big time.

Just 3 weeks ago he was acting differently saying that he loves me and that everything would be fine. Now the more time he spends with her the more distant to me he becomes. Also, I told him today that if he continues to leave me alone for the weekends then he might as well pack his bags and move out. He said that if this is what I want then he can move out.

I don't think he is planning to, as I am now 100% sure that he got that job, and that in a month he'll be gone. So, all he cares about is just surviving another month with me. I asked him about the job, he said that he did not get it, or rather that they have not called him yet, but he had that smile on his face, I knew that he was lying. What do you think about exposing his A to his co-workers? Maybe they will feel ashamed, and it no longer would be a secret. I bet he said to them that he accepted his job, and that he is going to be flying home for the weekends, so the company is going to give him $$ for travel as well. However, I doubt that he will be traveling home on the weekends. He is afraid that the A will be exposed.

He asked me what I told our friends when they asked why we did not come to B-day Party this weekend. He doesn't want anybody to know. I know he would be ashamed. Only my mom and his mom and his brothers know about it. Even my dad and my brother do not know anything. People are starting to suspect that something is wrong but are not asking direct questions. I mean he is gone every weekend and sometimes I do not know what to say as to where he is when they ask me.

I asked him what is that he wants and he said that he wants to be happy, I said that I also want him to be happy that this is #1 on my list. He said that he does not feel that we could be happy together. I don't know what to do. I know that I should plan A, as plan B is not going to work now, as I only have a month to prove to him that I have changed. He still does not believe I can. I mean I could be nice for a week or so, then when he throws me off my balance and I say something stupid instead of keeping my mouth shut, I push him away. I keep making the same mistakes. Why is this so hard for me? Maybe I just cannot do it period!

I love him and do not want to loose him, but it seems that everything bothers him about me. Just a month ago, he would say to me that I look nice, or that I am sexy, or he would hug me and kiss me and now he is more distant than ever. Am I loosing him? I probably made a huge mistake by saying that if he does not like it then he should just leave. I bet that in April I will hear that from him, he will leave b/c of the new job, but I bet he'll say to me "now you are going to be happy, I am leaving".

I probably should put the best plan A, so that if he leaves for the new job, he'll remember that I have changed. But then again he'll be away thousands of miles, and close to OW, he does not miss me now, when he is away, why should he miss me then when he is with her all the time? I think going to plan B at this time would be LB as I am pretty sure that he has a job there, so he just wants to go by this last month, me knowing that, and going to plan B would be LBing. If he did not go then Plan B would probably work.
Should I plan B when he abandons me?

I feel that my marriage is coming to an end. I screw up big time. There is no hope.

<small>[ February 24, 2003, 05:42 PM: Message edited by: thisisnotright ]</small>

just wanted to bump my post

thisis...
this post may come accross somewhat tough in parts...so I am warning you now....but...(hate those buts <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

THISIS...NOT THE TIME TO GO BELLY UP HERE...
You are totally letting him and the other woman take complete control over this whole situation and you do nothing....

And I realize that fear is paralyzing...and the fear of doing this or saying this wrong is paralyzing...but the only way to feel in control is to take control..of that of what you can...

there is always hope ...and not so long ago he was responding...and this relationship of theirs has spent no time in the real real world...he's still wanting you to protect him from friends and family....

I was under the impression that Steve advised you to step up to Plan A...and I also remember you stating that you did not met your husbands needs on affection admiration and conversation...

So lets figure out your plan A...because even if you have or are doing the worst plan A on face of this earth...(which you aren't...since you are barely doing a n y t h i n g...._ you can change....

AND regardless of what you have or haven't done HE alone is still accountable and responsible for his actions in the marriage...

you want a marriage...you have child....time to take action....

MEET THE NEEDS YOU CAN.
SET BOUNDARIES ON BEHAVIORS THAT ARE NOT ACCEPTABLE.

It's Tuesday...is he going away this weekend...how about YOU go away...tell him you have to go see so and so, quit being this mans babysitter while he flys willy nilly to see the other woman....he has a child...tell him you have plans and do something that leaves him behind...all with a smile and without argueing...

I agree totally with Orchid...if he is planning on going this weekend pack up all his dirty clothes in the living room...and tell him they go with him anywhere he goes this weekend ...

ASK him about the job?? you have a child here...it is no LB to ask and expect your spouse to tell you about something as major as a career change....

Babble back garbage when he asks you what you tell other people....
tell him you told them that an alien from outerspace comes each friday night and takes him to their spaceship and does terrible experiments on him.....but they didn't believe you so you told them how you fly off somewhere every weekend to be with some other woman..but you don't know much about that since he doesn't tell you much about it....

answer him by batting your eyes and saying...well dear what do you mean what do I tell people about where you are...I am just honest with them when they ask...I mean being honest is really an important thing in relationships...would'nt you agree??...batt eyes again..smile and flounce away...

He said " as I have not changed and that I would always bring back his A"...
so the fog head alien talks about his current affair as if it is past while he flys out every weekend ...did you babble back something like oh i see...so the woman you fly out to see every weekend is not the same woman you had the affair with...so is this woman number two or three...and does she know about woman number one....and do all these women know you are married? And does this woman know you go to see every weekend is the woman you "used to see" And should I get you a new black book to keep all this straight?.

THISis you must step up to talking with him....

Can you suprize him at work to go out to lunch together...
ask him about his job...no matter how much he rejects the questions, continue to show interest...don't you dare say that the OW meets in converstational needs and give up there....
you call him at work...plan a is about you..

Plan A is all about YOU and the changes you want..
do you want a marriage in which you and the spouse do not discuss and share with eachother about their days???
Probably not...no one does...so change YOU...ask him...show interest....go to his job and suprize him with muffins...meet him after work to go out somewhere together...you want conversation to be different...then it's up to YOU to change it....

THATS what plan A is...it is about imagining you being the type of person you want to be..
it is about imagining the type of relationship you want to have and then taking the steps that are yours to create that environment...

YOU have lots of control and power to be the person/wife you want to be...regardless of the past....

You got a huge elephant sitting in the living room and everyone just skirts around it....

THISIS...you can be in control of your destiny...no one else will be....
you can do this...
gather your wits..gather your strength..and gather your thoughts..and think about small tiny steps that help you in getting back the relationship you desire...even in spite of his actions...
give into your fear and it's all dead in the water before it even has a chance....

ARK who knows you can do this...start today...