Hello All....

Mimi, Pepperband, KP6464, LadyLou and many more thank you for your continuing support. I have changed my name as you have advised me to do. My H is not a control freek, but I was affraid that he might be reading my posts, and I did not want him to act upon them.

I am not sure what to do next. I have read both books SAA and Love must be tough and still don't know what to do. I think Love must be tough approach would have worked if I let him move out two months ago when he wanted to move out. I made a mistake by begging him to stay, this only allowed him to treat me like a doormat and brought the two of them closer.

He leaves home to make phone calls, he spends every weekend with OW. When he comes back he acts like nothing has happen. What are your suggestions. I know I need to put a stop to it. He even left me all alone on Valentine's Day, I know I am not the only one, but what should I do next.

I can not go on like that knowing that he is treating his home as a Hotel and waits for the weekends just to be with her. He does not do anything around the house, does not care about anything but her. He tells me that he wants to break it off, but does nothing to actually stop it. I think that I have to start being more tough and not let him walk all over me.

He knows I love him, and I have proven that he can do those things to me and come back anytime.

What I mean is that, everytime he goes away, he is kind of affraid of my reaction. Everytime when he comes back from weekends with OW, he calls me and tells me that he loves me and wants to be with me. It's like he is trying to see how I react and if he can still come home. I need to put a stop to that or otherwise he'll be continuing to do this forever. Some of your WS at least show some interest in you or they talk to you, or take care of your kids. Mine does nothing. I mean he swings back and forth, but I am not sure if this is how he feels or just an act.
I told him that I need him to end this, and that I have waited long enough for him to make a decision and he said that I ask him this everyday. I don't but it might look like that to him as he does not want to end it, he just says he does. He is lying to me and I can not tell what is truth and what is lie anymore.
I still love him, but I need to let him know that I need to be treated with respect and that he can not walk all over me. Any suggestions how to accomplish that?

I think its now or never. I think he might be going away with OW this weekend as well, what should I tell him before he leaves? Or should I let him go ans talk to him after the weekend? Should I ask him to move out, give him Plan B letter, or should I take Love is Tough approach. Maybe if he moves out, he'll understand that this is getting serious. I think he knows that I could change and that I love him, but right now I am a total doormat, that he walks on over and over again.

<small>[ February 27, 2003, 12:55 PM: Message edited by: thisisnotright ]</small>

I don't think I know your story (probably not... I don't do as much reading on here as I used to). But what screams out to me from your post is that you haven't done both halves of your plan A.

Yes, you've been accomodating to your H. You've avoided LBs as much as you can, and kept a safe environment for him to come back to (after every weekend he's gone). That's one 1/2 done.

The 1/2 that I'm not sure about is the part about YOU. What have you done for YOU? I don't think you have your boundaries set. Do you know what they are? #1 on the list, is always NC with the OP (it's an easy given <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ). What are the others you have? And how are you going to implement them? (by having consequences that are FOLLOWED THROUGH with, after certain actions are displayed by your H).

I guess my vote is for the "Tough Love" approach. Your H is obviously one of the big cake eating fence sitters on this board. Why would he change his behaviours right now? He's got it too good! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Now, what can you do to stop enabling him?

Karen

Plan A your heart for the next three days...be kind, upbeat...hum to yourself...cook things he likes so the house smells great...
Invite him to do something with you on saturday or Friday..something he would enjoy...and if he says no...make plans anyways without him...
Include him in activities with the children if you have any...

I am not sure of how much of a Plan A you have done...

Here are some of the 180 tips that I think you can use to assist if getting things back focused on YOU

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore!
2. No frequent phone calls
3. Do not point out good points in marriage
4. Do not follow him around the house
5. Do not encourage talk about the future
10. Do not spy on spouse
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)
21. Never lose your cool
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic
23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger)
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil)
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel
34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.

And next I would NOT NOT NOT be around when he comes home after a weekend away....I would be "out"...and would NOT NOT NOT answer the phone to assure him of anything....

BUT if every weekend this man bails on you and your children to go with some other woman....I would change the locks the minute he left...
no discussion no pleading begging
just do it...
and let the OW and he experience the real world...a man with no more clothes on his back than when he abandoned his wife on Friday...
I would protect myself financially
I would do this all while batting my eyes at him and saying...in a calm rational tone...
"but dear through your actions this is what I thought makes you happy..actions speak louder than words....surely you don't want a wife just monday through thursday..that's not realistic...and what number should I give your mom when she calls to let her know where she can you reach at?...bat eyelashes here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ...and pat him on the head...and kiss his cheek like one does with a child...and say I really have to go now I have so many things to take care of right now...I am really to busy to talk right now..sorry maybe later..."

no fighting no power struggling...time to dig deep ...deep breathe, chest out...and find you inside of all this fear...The YOU that knows you deserve to be treated better than this...and that this chaos is no longer tolerable...and that you are no longer going to be part of his sick world....

time for his reality to bite him in the butt...

well I certainly had to say on this than I initially thought I did....

serenity to you and your home
ARK

Thank you Ark and Topie.

Ark, very helpful tips. I have been trying to change myself, but every now and then I am giving up and making mistakes.

You are right I am focusing too much on him instead of me. I have a small child so it is not easy just to get out of house anytime I would like to, but I will look for a babysitter so that if he is not around, I can still have time on my own. I depend too much on him, I need to change that. I also need to change my attitude about this A. The mesage I am giving him now is that I have accepted his A, that it is Ok for him to make phone calls and go meet her on the weekends and spent our savings. I need to communicate to him that this is not OK, and that I will not tolerate this any more. Right? Is this the right thing to do? How should I word this?
I am not sure about changing the locks on the door, not sure if this will not be LBing? NOt sure how he would react. He wanted to move out 2 months ago and I was affraid to let hime go. I should have, my mistake. Also, OW does not live in the same state, so they fly to see each other, that's why they talk a lot durning the day and see each other on the weekends.

Thisis

In the face of such gross disrepect their comes a time when one seperates LBing from reality and the need to set boundaries...

Plan A is about you deciding what you can and will tolerate in your life...and flying each and every weekend to be with an OW while you have a young infant in my opinion is intolerable behavior..especially if he speaks of wanting to be with you and crawls home each weekend....and one that needs boundaries set by you....

Have you thought about flying all his dirty clothes to the OW's house on this thursda? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Not LBing is not using disrepectful judgements and phrases when setting your limits....so you set your limit...just don't call him a #$%%-head while doing so... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You are not now nor ever responsible for his behavior...it is his alone...
there is nothing you can do or say that make his actions acceptable...that his reality....

Does this man leave a number at which to be reached so that if you need to get in touch with him about his child you can?

Have you considered exposing his affair to family that is what he does every weekend?
Search posts on WAT on exposing the affair?

You communicate clearly what direct consequances his actions have on him....
without calling him names...(which I would find difficult...so be ready to bite your tongue...
A LOT !!!!

do YOU have a good support system in which you can gather strength and wisdon...(not a complaint department..that can often bite you in the butt when reconciling...but a few close people to confide to and vent...

vent away here....
are YOU in counciling..if not I highly recommend it...

What would happen if you were tell him that you are going out Saturday afternoon with a friend on an engagement and he needs to watch your child...

I am gonna post to others to get you more feedback...cause you hubby is making my head spin...and hopefully others can rally for you as well....

God be with you...what a bunch of hooey...
ARK

If you can, call Steve or get other professional help.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He leaves home to make phone calls, he spends every weekend with OW. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am the QUEEN of not being able to plan B... I allowed my H to take LOTS of time to 'decide.'

BUT WEEKENDS w/ her!!! No WAY. WAY no WAY. Even when I overheard phone calls, I LBd myself into a frenzy.

Boundaries my dear lady. It got to a point where I told my H that we were married or we were NOT... but I WOULD NOT be part of a harem... he didn't get to have a WIFE who cooked, cleaned and did his laundry AND a GIRLFRIEND.

THAT said... YOU MUST HAVE SOME REAL TIME SUPPORT. Family? Friends? Professional? Clergy?

Do it in the most nonLB way you can... but he's got to DECIDE.... and if he is DISRESPECTFULLY continuing the affair IN YOUR FACE... plan b is the option. And, it is NOT an option I recommend lightly. Like I said, I could never bring myself to plan b.

Hugs,
Cali

Hi,

Well my 2 cents is that you have already shown how tolerant you are 'if he is to be believed'. Since it does not appear (based on his actions - which speak louder than words), that he is truly being honest with you..... then plan A is still doable (providing you have the stomache for a bit more pain).

If so the you need to concentrate on yourself. Prep for plan B. Use this time to learn what your personal boundaries are. Understand where your tolerance level lies(this varies with each of us and many of us were not aware of how much we were able to put up with and shocked to know what really ticked us off). Then set your boundaries. This will help you if and when you need to go into plan B.

Also you need to use this time to build up your personal support group. You will now need to apply what you have read and heard. As suggested see if you can get a meeting or 2 with either Steve or Jennifer. They are great!

You will know when it is time to go to plan B. By doing a good plan A, you are difusing the A bomb. The A bomb (not to be confused with Hiroshima - LOL!!) is what the WS and OP throw up and at the BS and family. It is usually done by finding fault with the BS. You'd be surprised how creative the lies can be. Even fools others - sometimes and only for a while.

Take the EN Questionnaire. See if he will take it. Don't fret about the results. If he won't take it, you take it twice....once for yourself and once pretending you are him...... them tell him you did this because he wouldn't. Don't show him the answers. Let him wonder how he rated.

WS' hate not knowing what the BS is up to. Let him wonder. The more time he spends thinking about you, the less he spends on the OW and OWs just hate that!!! Remember this point!

Ok, my time is up. Let us know what you think.

L.

Like Karen, I don't know any more of your story than what I can get out of this thread.

Can you please tell us what you know of OW? Specifically, is she married? My guess is she's not due to the weekend getaways. Please tell us everything you know about her. Also tell us about your H's family - parents or sibs close and your relationship with them. Describe what you believe to be the outside knowledge of the affair - who knows and what do they know? The reason for this is to give us the whole picture. We will help you determine how or if you should reveal this sordid situation to others.

Also describe your H's "complaints" about you and any stated "reasons" (excuses) for his need to have this outside interest. Have you taken steps to address these things - whether they're valid or not.

In the meantime, go to the link in my sig line for more info.

This,
You're getting some good advice from Ark, Cali, Orchid, Topie, WAT...the only thing I would reinforce, since he is spending a lot of money is to set up an account in your name with part of the savings, I'd suggest at least the amount for one month of bills.

Don't keep it a secret, unless you want to, the money remains part of the marital assests, he just doesn't have access. When my H asked why I would do that, since he hadn't changed anything about depositing his paycheck into a joint account and why would I think he'd leave me without money. I said that he had done many things and spent money on her that I had never thought he'd do. Having a roof over the kids' heads was pretty important to me to depend on what I thought he might or might not do.

Lovebuster? Well, he didn't like the reality of my being scared about money, but it was reality. If truth is a lovebuster, I don't see it on the list!

When my H & I reconciled we used the money I'd put in my own account to go to Mexico for a vacation to help us re-bond.

We were separated 14 out of 21 months and I never changed the locks. I briefly had his key, but we compromised on that he wouldn't enter the house if either the kids or I weren't here. I did Plan A if he was living at home or not for 18 months, but then, he denied his affair 90% of the time, and I don't know exactly when he did see her.

Your H is being honest, even if it is rather horrible honesty.

<small>[ February 20, 2003, 09:05 AM: Message edited by: Lor (Lor) ]</small>

Thank you all for your support. Your advice and kind words mean a lot to me.

Here is my story. I have been married for 3 years, we know each other for 10 years and have a child that is 1 year old. I love my husband very much, but I am not good at showing my feelings. This is what he told me he was missing in our marriage: affection, admiration and our communication was not so good either.

He was traveling a lot lately for work to a different state. That’s where he met OW.
She is divorced with kids, but this does not seem to bother him at all. It all started in October. At first they were just friends and limited their relationship to talking business and then he started talking to her about everything. As he told me she listen to him and understood him. He told me that I don’t know how to talk to him. We are both Christian and do not believe in divorce, but I am not sure if that bothers him as much as it bothers me.

At first when I confronted him he lied looking straight in my eyes about having an affair, but then the next day told me that he met someone and that he is not planning to be with her, however he continued to talk to her. He said that he does not like hurting people and promised that he is going to end it. This was 3 months ago and nothing has changed. He only sees her more often than before. I should have set my boundaries then, I only allowed him to get to know her even more. Not sure if I can do anything now.

During Christmas our D was sick, but that did not stop him from flying to see OW. Then in January, he flew twice to see her and now in February they spent every weekend together. They talk a lot during the day. He calls her at work during the day, and then when he gets home from work calls her again couple of times. Sometimes he makes excuses to get out of the house to go make a phone call, but lately he just calls her from home. He tells me straight that he needs to make a phone call, does not hide it anymore. I was home alone on Valentine’s day and even though I got roses they do not mean anything to me. He is a very romantic person and always had plans for every special occasion, I just did not expect him to leave me alone on Valentine’s Day. I think by doing that he proved to me that he wants to be with her and not me. Before he left he said to me that he made those plans long time ago, and that he feels stupid that he has to go. I said that he does not have to go, that he can cancell it and prove it to me that he loves me. But he went anyways.

He does not talk to me much. Does not call me from work, during the day, does not talk to me much when he comes home. Has not done anything around the house for 3 months. When he is with her, does not call me at all. I don’t even know where they are together. He has his cell phone with him, but says that it does not work there, or that his battery was dead. When he is with me he calls her, but when he is with her his phone is off.

He told me several times that he is going to leave me back in Dec & Jan, has not mention it now. He even wanted to separate in January after I showed him a tape of this conversation with her. He moved out to a hotel for 2 nights. Called me saying he loves me and that I do not understand him. He said that he loves us both, and that this is hard for him, said that he wants to be with me. But hose are just words, his actions prove that he wants to be with her. I allowed him to come home, that was my mistake. On that tape, he talked about marriage and kids, and all the weekend plans with OW etc. So far whatever was on this tape happened. The thing that scares me the most is that he is trying to get a job there and I am afraid he is going to move there as of April. He is just not talking about it to me. I don't have much time.

We talked few times about this situation. I told him that he is disrespectful to me and that I can not allow him to continue do this to me. I told him that he has to end it. He tells me that he wants to end it his way and that he needs time. Whenever I ask him how much time he needs he says I don’t know. He does nothing to end it. I think he is just leading me on. He tells me that he feels like he is cheating on me and on her. After each weekend get away, he tells me he missed me and that he loves me, and that he wishes that things were different. That is before he gets home, once he is home, he does not talk to me, and I do not bring up his getaways. Lately he has changed a little bit, but not much. He and I were shopping for things for our new home, and he keeps saying that we need this and that, or talks how we are going to pay for it. I am not sure if he is just leading me on or if he is playing, as there are times when he says your house, not ours. He is not excited about it at all. He once told me when I said that I will not be able to pay for the house and things said that don’t worry I will help you. Meaning that he will help me, but he will not be here with me. I told him that he acts like he does not love me, and that I can not force him to love me. I am thinking of asking him to make up his mind. I feel I have to do something before he goes away again this weekend. I can not allow him to do this every weekend without any consequences.

He keeps saying to me that I do not love him, but I do. He said that OW made him realize what he was missing and that I was never as passionate with him.

I know he cares about his family. He has not talked to his mom for 3 months, she is totally disappointed and does not approve this. He does not talk to his brothers at all. They tried to talk to him about it when they first found out about it, but he kept saying that we are working on it, and we were not. Nothing has changed since he met her. They only talk more and he spends more time with her. He has not given me any reason to think that he wants to end it. He says that he does, but does nothing actually about it. Says to me that he does not talk to her as much, but then calls her few times after coming home, and plans weekends with her. They actually go places, they travel, they do not spent time at her home.

Please advice what should I do. I know I have to set my boundaries or he is going to continue walking all over me.

Uh-oh

You have been given a small token of a gift from you husband...he has told you three different needs he would like to be met...and you now have the chance to decide whether or not to do so...

A huge part of Plan A in imagining you as the person you want to be...as well as the spouse you want to be...and visualizing how you wish the two of you to interact and grow old with together...

Don't hold onto past behaviors that have not worked for you...not being able to show affection in the past has nothing to do with your ability to show affection in the future...or even more importantly...now, today...

affection at this point sounds pretty scarey to me as his ability to blatantly carry on with this OW is pretty darn bold...so while I am not saying to be overly falsely affectionate...but perhaps just a hug...or a greeting when he gets home that you are glad he is home tonight...and ask him to watch a TV show with you..or play with the baby together....

We all cling to the known out of fear of the unknown...but in reality we are clinging to that that does not work....so change you must...

show concern for him even in the mix of all this chaos...not by deep relationship talk and where this is going...but by simple thoughts and musings...when he comes home tonight...tell him he looks tired or weary and you worry about how he is...then walk away....show your concern...he may not appear to "hear" you...but he does...

Do not be afraid to tell him the things you are learning...just do them in a way that take full responsibilit onto you...without engaging you in conflict...

Say to him...you know you recently told me that you in the past felt that you did not have my admiration....(here's the tricky part...don't challenge this belief and argue that you did...)... say something about seeing where that could make him feel bad...and then say something you do admire about him...sincerely...and walk away...unless he brings up more...leave him things to think about...things that say you hear him...

Do not be available Sunday on his way back to reassure him of anything....in fact do not speak to him at all this weekend if he flys out....
I think that is a good first step consequance...no way give your stamp of approval to do this...no way tell him it's OK to come home...

really really protect the financial aspect...

do you two do anything toghether at all
do you spend any time together in same room
does he spend time with his child
is he affectionate with his child
does he watch his own child...
why not think about him watching him/her tonight and you getting out..
what would happen if you told him you needed him to babysit the child this weekend as you had plans....
doormat you are NOT....

Just when I think I have my thoughts under some control with your hubby....I get all mad...and really just want to smack him up side the head with a huge grizwald number 10 cast iron skillet... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
yes I am condoning violence here...Ok no I'm not...but visualizing does help a little...

ARK who needs to go wash her mouth out with soap after yelling a not so nice word at Mr. thisisnotright.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> what was the brand that caused blindness in the Christmas Story...

Ark thank you for your advice and support.
I have booked a session with Steve for tomorrow. I need to talk to him, maybe he'll help me figure out what to do about my H and his disrespect.
Even though I found this website right after D-day, I missunderstood the concepts of Plan A, or rather I couldn't bring myself to do them. How could I admire and be affectionate to my WS? It is hard. There were times that I felt good about us, he made me comfortable and I beleved him that he loves me and that he is confused and that he does want to end it. As soon as I thought "I got you" I made a mistake by pulling back, holding my feelings and LBing. This was going back and forth for couple of months. We used to cuddle in the bed, we even made love, now he turns back at me and does not want me to touch him. There were times where he would turn to me and kiss me and hold me really tight. Now he does not do that any more. I did not know that I was suppose to show him affection. It is hard enough to know that youe spouse is sleeping with OW and it is even harder to kiss him or hug him when he comes back home. i just couldn't bring myself to do it. He told me once in Dec that he is observing, I guess at that time he was still compering me and her. Ofcourse she was affectionate and loving etc.. I was mad and angry at what he has done to me and to our family. I just couldn't be acting the same as her. I once made fun of him, that he needs OW to tell him "oh baby this, oh honey that". And he told me that I just could not be the same as she is, that she means those things when she says it and she is not acting and that I just can not be affectionate. I said I can, that I was just making fun of him. He did not like that. I am not good at my plan A. I just can not bring myself to show him affection knowing that he sleeps with another women. Our communication sucks as well as he does not want to talk to me about his day, and certainly is not interested in my day. I have only been admiring him, I told him that he makes me proud and that I never doubted that there is anything that he couldn't do. He really is a hard woeking individual and does well at his job. I love that about him.
How can I be affectionate if he pushes me back. Should I ask for kiss when he leaves for work and comes back, or should I be the one to give it to him.
What are your suggestions about this weekend? I have a party I am going to on Saturday, we were both invited, but since he is not going to be here, then I am going alone. He knows that. I am going to have a great time with my friends, that's for sure. Well last weekend when he went away, I was not home when he got back and he was mad at me. I came back on Monday. He said to me that when he called me to tell me that he is getting home early and I told him that I was not going to be there he turned back to OW, and took the last flight home. So not sure if this is OK for me to do this time. I was actually thinking about telling him to move out, as I am sure he is going to continue his weekend getaways with OW if I do not put a stop to it.
Let me know of what you think

Thanx

<small>[ February 20, 2003, 05:23 PM: Message edited by: thisisnotright ]</small>

I agree that whatever boundaries you need with physical affection are yours alone to choose...so I am thinking show affection with just small tiny actions..going into knowing he may reject you...

Tell him you are going to hug him...or just say I am going to kiss you on the cheek..because I want you to know that I miss you....and end it there...

touch his hand lightly when talking...
small tiny steps...
try to iniate conversation...ask what he wants you to tell friends this weekend when they ask where he is...
tell him they will be missing him. and would like to see him as well
tell him you will miss and would love to be at this party with him....

try to be around him
ARk

Yes. Baby Steps. My WS told me the other night that "its like when you haven't eaten in a long time you can't take in a lot of food". He was saying that when I came on too strong it was overwhelming. However, although he tried to fight it and often rejected me, he has admitted that he did like it, just like Ark said, that I was trying.

They loved us before so they can love us again!!! We, BS, have the POWER of REALLY KNOWING how to meet our WSes needs if when they become open to letting us back in.

<small>[ February 20, 2003, 05:48 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

ark,

I want to tell you that you have been giving GREAT advice to her. You have come to understand some key concepts in relationships, and isn't it great to get to that point in you life? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I think if thisisnotright follows your advice and is able to let the whole attitude and mind set that you are encouraging her to show, that she will notice a tremdous difference in herself, which will spill over into her relationship......

Just my opinion... (no guarantees expressed or implied.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by thisisnotright:
<strong>

He told me several times that he is going to leave me back in Dec & Jan, has not mention it now. He even wanted to separate in January after I showed him a tape of this conversation with her. He moved out to a hotel for 2 nights. Called me saying he loves me and that I do not understand him. He said that he loves us both, and that this is hard for him, said that he wants to be with me. But hose are just words, his actions prove that he wants to be with her. I allowed him to come home, that was my mistake. On that tape, he talked about marriage and kids, and all the weekend plans with OW etc. So far whatever was on this tape happened. The thing that scares me the most is that he is trying to get a job there and I am afraid he is going to move there as of April. He is just not talking about it to me. I don't have much time.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please take care of yourself. Take part of the marital money/assets and see a lawyer and an accountant.

You can still decide to stay with him and work on the marriage, but have a Plan B ready and waiting if necessary.

It is very possible that he has been told you would be given certain assets/monies if he were to divorce you now that you would not be eligible for if he waits until April. For instance, in some states alimony and child support is determined at the time of divorce. So if he makes $100,000 when the divorce is filed that's what his payments will be based off of no matter how much or little he makes later. If he's planning on taking a job making less money that might be why he's trying to stay in good with you right now.

Even if you never file, get good advice from your accountant and lawyer. Protect yourself and your children.

April

I have booked my session with Steven and it starts in 10min, can't wait to see what his got to say. My H is leaving for the weekend to be with OW. I think I'll use the Tough Love approach this time, will also see what Steve says.
H and I talked last night a little bit. I asked him to do ENQ, but he did not want to do it. I told him that I still love him and want to work on our marriage, but that I do not approve his weekend getaways, and that I hope this is the last one. (I know should have not demanded, but I said it very calmly). I also said that I do not want him if he does not want me, and that I hope he'll fisnish his A by month end. Again my bad, couldn't help it. Hea said we'll see, shich translates to I don't think so.
Will let you know about session with S.

Hello All,

I've talked to S, he recomended that I stick with Plan A, but I need to work harder as I do not spend a lot of time with my H, so whatever oportunity I have with my H I have to show him that I care for him and love him. I am not LBing at all, but I can not stop asking him to stop his affair or begging him not to go away. I have to stop doing that and let him go.

My H called me as well I guess he is feeling guilty as he is going away, he always acts this way before going away with OW, and said that he wants to end his affair, he's been saying that forever. He said that he wants to end it, but does not know how. That he is excited about our new house and that he pictures himself there. He always says those things to be before he goes away, and then when he comes back is distant and cold to me again. I interpret this as him just making sure that I am still OK with him going and that I will be here when he comes back. He does nothing to stop his affair, besides saying that he wants to end it. I don't believe him that he want to end it. I know that A is like a drug, but who's more important here our family or her? I know he does not see it that way.

Well he came packed his bag, said that he is sorry for what happen and that he wishes to turn back time, and that he wants really to end the A, but does not know how. He does this everytime he goes away. It's just "words" and no action. He does not talk to me much during the whole week, ignoes my calls, but he is under assumption that he is working on our marriage??? He talks to her all the time, several times a day and spends each weekend with her, yet tells me that he is trying to end it. Yeah right. I am not naive and I do not believe in anything he says untill I see some action. He might be under impression that I am buying everyword he says, well I don't think so. I don't believe in anything he says. I have to be firm. I told him that he should be able to end it in a week, he said he'll try. Means NOT. Well I can not go on like this knowing that he spends every weekend with her. He is disrespectful to me, does not care about my feelings.This is getting harder and harder for me to accept his behaviour. I know I am not allone, and that all WS act this way, but is there hope? I can not see through him. I know he is lying, but at least he is not telling me we are through, that ought to be a good sign. Right?
Need your advice.

thisisnotright,

Hi, I'm back from my work trip. It was a very long trip. Glad to see you posting again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I called H on way home his new rule (He will not talk about OW with me, or me with her). I don't know any more. We seem to make progress then go backward. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> If your able to call I should be in and out sat. I do have to work part of the day sunday. It feels good to talk to someone that understands.

Hang in there! Kathy