</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">now wife asked about this "3some" the last time we had sex..which was november,our anaversary</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Am I correct in understanding that it's been close to 3 months since you and your W had sex? Is this a common thing for you two?

From you're postings I'm beginning to wonder whose fantasy this is????

I agree that there's probably something more going on here than just the expression of some fantasy. I know a couple (in-laws) where one wanted to "experiment" like this and ended up leaving for the other person. I know some people are more open sexually than others but this crosses a line imho that isn't healthy in any way for a married couple.

its her fantasy,not mine..i dont want it,i only asked advice her because i love my wife so much i would do anything to make her happy,and if this will make her happy..i know it doesnt feel right,and im sure problems would stem from this act..just wanted others opinions who have done this,and how it affected there realtionships..coffee.my wife had a historictomy 6 years ago.she had her toobs tied after our 2nd 12 years ago.female problems run in her family..she takes zoloft which effects your sex drive,we have had periods where we didnt have sex for 3 weeks or more.this long period is mainly because she is questioning her love for me..because of me neglecting her in the past.emotionally,like i said read my other post and you all will know the whole story

<small>[ February 22, 2003, 09:19 AM: Message edited by: sweatinlove ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Original post by sweatinlove:

it all started 3 months ago..wife was staying out late,she works nights.and has no set time when she gets off work.but always came home right after..i am off work with a hurt back.from a auto accident on my job.so i still get paid.im home all the time.i do all the chores.cleaning,laundry,cooking ect..wife does none,when i was working it was the other way around,anyway back to the story.she got to where she stayed out all night..when she would leave to go run errands.she would be gone all day and night,even on days she wasnt working.we had a prepaid cell phone,that a 25 dollar airtime card would last us 3 weeks to a month.during this period,she went thru 3 airtime cards in 2 weeks,so i was fearing the worst.altho up until this started i never EVER worried about her..now,being im stuck at the house now,your mind starts thinking the worst..so we got in a few pretty big arguments over the amount of time she was away,and of course the extra cell phone usage..during this time she ran into a old girl friend that she knew back before we met..who i never met,or didnt know..when i confronted her,i let my anger get the best of me,and asked her if she was having an affair..she got really upset and said NO.how could i even think that.and then told me that she wanted to seperate,that she wasnt happy with the way our lifes were going.i begged her not to,and that i wanted to work it out.so we are kinda seperated in the same house,for the kids sake really,and im trying my best to patch things up..my problem mainly is..#1 we havent kissed or even touched in the last 3 months,and she spends the night with this girl and her husband prolly twice a week.when i tell her i dont like this,and that i wanna meet them,and know where they live,she refuses.saying that she doesnt want me to start any **** with her friend and her husband..my point is.how can u have friends that your mate doesnt know of,where they live,there telephone number..am i wrong?we have always had the kind of relationship where we never said yes or no to going out with friends ect.just that we know where we go,and when we will be home.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Call me paranoid if you will, but you'll see that it's not just me, but others here as well that have raised their eyebrow and are saying to themselves 'she's having an affair'. Just the last highlighted quote from you, should be enough for you to investigate on your own if she is indeed telling you the truth. Since you are off on disability, hire a babysitter to look after the kids, and follow her to see where she is going to and find out for yourself if she is indeed telling you the truth.

Oh and her comment 'No. How could you think that' is a classic response by the unfaithful spouse to the betrayed spouse to make him/her feel bad for even contemplating the thought. And her comment to separate is also a classic response by the unfaithful spouse to be free to persue the A without worrying about the betrayed spouse being in his/her way.

Like I said before, I truly hope that I'm dead wrong about this, but I would be doing you a great disservice by not pointing out these huge red flags being waved right in front of your face.

<small>[ February 22, 2003, 11:07 AM: Message edited by: CoffeeMan ]</small>

Coffeeman:

"Like I said before, I truly hope that I'm dead wrong about this, but I would be doing you a great disservice by not pointing out these huge red flags being waved right in front of your face."

I'd hate to say this, because I'm the eternal plan A optimist if there ever was one, but: How could his W possibly NOT be having an A, given this information? Not just with the GF, but with her H? That's why she wanted to try a threesome with her H. Because she's already having them with her GF and her GF's H???

Boy, I really hope I'm wrong about that. But, either way, it's most important that sweatinlove concentrate on doing his best plan A right now. It would also be useful getting to the bottom of what's going on, either without her knowledge or otherwise, just so he knows for sure what he's up against. If he finds out that our suspiscions are correct, he should consider "outing" the A per WAT's guidelines, and then wait for it to die a natural death.

We're here for you, sweatinlove, no matter what the truth behind your W's behavior is. We're here for her too, through you.
-Qfwfq

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by CoffeeMan:
Oh and her comment 'No. How could you think that' is a classic response by the unfaithful spouse to the betrayed spouse to make him/her feel bad for even contemplating the thought. And her comment to separate is also a classic response by the unfaithful spouse to be free to persue the A without worrying about the betrayed spouse being in his/her way.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Whippit: By a show of hands, who here at MB has been on the business end of a spouse's anger when you confronted them about an affair?
*Everyone raises his or her hand*
Whippit: And who here has had, prior to D-Day, a spouse suggest a separation?
*Everyone raises his or her hand*

We talk about "the fog" as if only the wayward spouse lives in one. As the betrayed, we have our own fog, too. It's that period where we refuse to believe our guts, to ignore the signs. But in the same way that our spouses come out of the fog in their own time, so must we come out of ours.

Skip the forums for a while, read the Harley books (all of them ... they go fast) -- Dr. Phil has a couple worth checking out, too -- and the content at the main site. Go get some help from a pro-marriage counselor in your area. Step back and try to see your marriage as objectively as you can. Knowledge and self-awareness are your biggest allies and best friends right now. It's a long road to get back and beyond where you once were in your marriage.

On another note ... the only thing I will add to the discussion about threesomes is that that [censored] is for when you're single. And even then, one must be careful.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Original post by whippit:
Skip the forums for a while, read the Harley books (all of them ... they go fast) -- Dr. Phil has a couple worth checking out, too -- and the content at the main site. Go get some help from a pro-marriage counselor in your area. Step back and try to see your marriage as objectively as you can. Knowledge and self-awareness are your biggest allies and best friends right now. It's a long road to get back and beyond where you once were in your marriage.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I disagree with skipping the forums because they do serve the useful purpose of helping a foggy BS open his/her eyes to what's happening around him/her. They are a great place to vent frustrations instead of doing it with the spouse. And they can help support both a BS and WS because they will realize that their problem is not unique and that others have not only survived but rebuilt their marriages into much better ones than their pre-A marriages.

But I do agree with the rest of the recommendations and I would just second Q's comment 'you are not alone. we are here for you'

QFWFQ:I'd hate to say this, because I'm the eternal plan A optimist if there ever was one, but: How could his W possibly NOT be having an A, given this information? Not just with the GF, but with her H? That's why she wanted to try a threesome with her H. Because she's already having them with her GF and her GF's H???

I asked her about that.believe me,everyones opinions i have thought about way before i found this forum.She kinda laughed and said,when you meet them,and see them,you will laugh yourself.I guess she means there not good looking people?My wife has always been the type to "spend time away" when things are bothering her.When she felt i didnt care anymore (in her own head,plus some of my stupid actions)she didnt want to be home and face it.So she stayed away..she tells me thats why she stays gone.not anymore here latley albeit,but before..she now spends time at home,and we are doing family things,and we also had a nice valentines weekend at the casinos,and had a nice suite.she has been mistreated all her childhood by family and friends,so she is gunshy,i have had my periods where i neglected her emotionally over the past year,and i now see and am changing a 180 if u will..and its starting to work,she told me lastnight she loves me,but needs time..whatever that meansbut the 2 nights a month she stays with her friend she says is "girls night" and a nuetral person to discuss her feelings and thoughts..as she thinks that everyone is on my side about this,and that she is over reacting about it all..even her parents side with me.me and her mom are close,and when i told her all the facts,about staying gone ect..all i have posted here..and then asked her if it looked like a A..she agreed,but told me that she didnt think my wife would do that.that she has had many chances to do that if she wanted,as wife is a beautifull woman,and has had many advances,promises of money and a easy life.but has told her mom she loves me,and would never hurt me that way.so thats why i came here.looking for my own neutral opinions,mostly everyone here fuels my original thoughts,and i know the red flags,and gut feelings.but her excuses mostly check out,and she has never ever in the past shopwn me to be that kind of person..i guess untill i know for sure either way,ill continue to "kiss her [censored]" and do whatever she wants to show her i truly love her,and dont want to loose her.atleast we are past seperation,and are together in the house working on things..thats a start

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She kinda laughed and said,when you meet them,and see them,you will laugh yourself.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So when is she going to intruduce to you her friends so that you can have that much needed laugh?

<small>[ February 22, 2003, 02:13 PM: Message edited by: CoffeeMan ]</small>

Okay, sweatinlove, I'll give her the benefit of the doubt. Let's assume that everything she's telling you is true and that her reasons for staying out all night are to regain her composure after YOU've done something to hurt HER. This is all entirely plausible, even though the odds are heavily against it being likely.

Now what? Try having a discussion about the difference between secrecy and privacy. We all need a little privacy. But secrecy is a whole 'nother animal. From our "iloveulove" resouces page, Spacecase posted this definition, which has helped me in dealing with my W's "concepts" of these terms (and the correlative terms "truthfulness" and "honesty"):

"The Difference Between Secret And Private

Private matters are those traits, truths, beliefs, and ideas about ourselves that we keep to ourselves. They might include our fantasies and daydreams, feelings about the way the world works, and spiritual beliefs. Private matters, when revealed either accidentally or purposefully, give another person some insight into the revealer.

Secrets, on the other hand, consist of information that has potentially negative impact on someone else-emotionally, physically, or financially. Secrets, when revealed either accidentally or purposefully, cause great chaos or harm to the secret-keeper and those around him or her.

Private: I believe in reincarnation.

Secret: I have a wife and a mistress and neither knows about the other.

Private: I got terrible grades in high school.

Secret: I forged my medical degree.

The Difference Between Truth and Honesty

Truth is empirical, demonstrable fact. Your bank balance, today?s date, whether or not you?re married.

Honesty is about feelings. If you?re honest, you are open and clear about how you feel. You can be truthful without being honest and you can be honest without being truthful (the latter a little more difficult). The best relationships, stating the painfully obvious, are both truthful and honest. Trust is built on both truth and honesty, tempered by the proof of predictability and reliability."

And then there's SH's own definition of an A, which someone quoted on this forum several months ago which said, in effect: "An affair is what your spouse thinks it is." Meaning, the above secrecy stuff. There are all "kinds" of affairs, but the bottom line is that no spouse should be keeping secrets from the other.

I hope this helps,
-Qfwfq

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by whippit:
Skip the forums for a while, read the Harley books (all of them ... they go fast) -- Dr. Phil has a couple worth checking out, too -- and the content at the main site. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please allow me to clarify:

Skip the forums for a while, read the Harley books (all of them ... they go fast) -- Dr. Phil has a couple worth checking out, too -- and the content at the main site. Then come back to the forums.

Lets just play a game. How do you think your wife would react if you kept bringing up a threesome.
You spend a couple of times a month with another woman and her husband by spending the night but constantly refuse to ever introduce them to your wife. You tell your wife that you would laugh if you ever saw them if you thought we were having sex. Oh, you also make it a point to not tell your wife their names, phone numbers or where they live.
My friend you would have to be in very deep denial to accept such bull from your wife. What happens if there is an emergency and you need to get hold of her. The chances are overwhelming that she is in an affair. What husband would allow his wife to spend overnights with a so-called married couple who you do not know by name or where they live is beyond me. She is playing you like a violin. I was like you and refused to believe the obvious like you so I understand where you are coming from. She has already got you to accept a "girls night out" that means an overnighter with a phantom husband and wife who you have no clue as to who they are while she talks about how great it would be to have a threesome. You are foolish to allow overnighters.
She is not acting like a married woman and you wish to be in denial. I wish you luck because you will need it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sweatinlove:
<strong>my fear is.everyone knows a woman knows HOW TO please another woman better than us guys.How would i stack up???</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am sorry but I am LMFAO. I just had to comment on this.

I am not a lesbian and I have NO idea how to make love to a woman! Every woman is different and My H knows how to please me, very well I might add . That is outrageous to say that!If I can stomach the thought long enough to even imagine another woman 'making love to me * vomit* I assure you I would probably spend the entire time giving directions to her on how to do it right .

Oh and I am with the general consencous here.. your wife is playing you for a FOOL. Like the previous poster said, jsut reverse the situation , that puts it all into perspective.

i wish you much luck.

sweat,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My wife has always had a fantasy about being with another woman,which is really a turn on for me.2 women WOW! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have a feeling that this little ménage à trois would not be so exciting to you if she suggested another man instead of a woman. Ya think?

After perusing your posts it appears that you have turned tail somewhat and are beginning to see the "red flags" as someone put it. Your W appears to be on a mission to fulfill some emotional needs via an extra-marital relationship.

She may have invited you into the bedroom in order to introduce you to her new found lover and never invite you in again. Because it is a woman, she might consider her lover an emotional need that you cannot fulfill rather than an affair.

How might she feel though, if you were to have homo-sexual desires that you needed to have fulfilled outside of the marriage?

Some needs, such as extra-marital sex are simply unrealistic to expect from a marriage unless both H and W are working off the same sheet of music. If it's good for one it's good for the other whether you choose to act on it or not. If that works for you then so be it. I won't EVEN get into the moral implications of something like that.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> ...she has mentioned it as a fantasy..im sure fueled by me making comments thruought the years when we have either watched xxx movie together or seen it on some movie,about how i thought the guy in the 3some,was a lucky guy,joking around,but still stating it... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There is a little underlying truth in every joke. It sounds like both of you are fantasizing about a better sexual relationship, either with each other or someone else.

Try fantasizing "together" on what a good marriage would be like. Talk about what would make the marriage better for both of you. Sex is very high on the list of emotional needs for many couples. It is most often the topic of the day in the Emotional Needs forum. You might get some input there also.

jmho
tagging off <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Bryanp:
[QB]Lets just play a game. How do you think your wife would react if you kept bringing up a threesome.
You spend a couple of times a month with another woman and her husband by spending the night but constantly refuse to ever introduce them to your wife. You tell your wife that you would laugh if you ever saw them if you thought we were having sex. Oh, you also make it a point to not tell your wife their names, phone numbers or where they live.
===============================================
I Agree with this totally,if it were the other way around,i would be on my way to divorce court in a heartbeat.and i brought this scenrio up to her and asked her what she would think,she said that i was right,she would think the worst,so she has told me no more until i meet the other couple.so that makes me feel better.

Euphoria,i say that with the thought that sure men know how to please a woman,thats not a question,but how many times have you been having sex,and wish the guy could read your mind as to what u wanted him to do,or when and where to touch ect..woman ALREADY KNOW what they want,and lord knows on my drunkest night,world record marathon session,my wife could go much longer..woman are like the energizer bunnie.. fill in the blanks,i say it with some humor,but its still fact.
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ba109:
quote:
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...she has mentioned it as a fantasy..im sure fueled by me making comments thruought the years when we have either watched xxx movie together or seen it on some movie,about how i thought the guy in the 3some,was a lucky guy,joking around,but still stating it...
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There is a little underlying truth in every joke. It sounds like both of you are fantasizing about a better sexual relationship, either with each other or someone else.

Try fantasizing "together" on what a good marriage would be like. Talk about what would make the marriage better for both of you. Sex is very high on the list of emotional needs for many couples. It is most often the topic of the day in the Emotional Needs forum. You might get some input there also.

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This was something said jokingly 12 years ago,i havent showed ANY intrest in the thought since then,we were teenagers,been dating a year or so,sex was ALL we thought about,im saying she may still think i would like that,and maybe thinking the thought would excite ME to spice up our marriage,beleive me.i think its a very bad idea,i dont want to share my wife with anyone in the bedroom.

Thanks to all of your opinions and input,this board is awsome,helps me make it thru the day

<small>[ February 23, 2003, 02:34 PM: Message edited by: sweatinlove ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i brought this scenrio up to her and asked her what she would think,she said that i was right,she would think the worst,so she has told me no more until i meet the other couple.so that makes me feel better.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> 'no more' what? going away every weekend with 'them'?

No more spending the night with her girlfriend until i meet her and her husband,i told her if we were gonna be happy together again,i cannot have her leading a secret life,I.E. hanging out with someone i didnt know.she has agreed and will not until i meet them.she only stays over,or had been every other friday night.

sorry sweatinlove, but every woman is different. Knowing how to please someone comes from KNOWLEDGE and EXPERIENCE with * that* individual. We are not cookie cutter cut here. I don't think I need to elaborate, but I can say that my tastes and desires differ greatly from that of my best freind. Just because you are of the equal sex doesn't mean you have the crystal ball of karma sutra.