My daughter called and asked if she could hangout with her Grandmother today and my mom said of coarse (I am staying at my parents) so I knew my wife and son would be home during his nap. I called her and asked her if while our son was sleeping if I could grab some chinese and come over and talk. NO ARGUING nothing about past, nothing about future....JUST TALK. She immediatley struck out and asked me if I was talking to her nice becasue someone was in front of me. I said no. She sadi why am I talking so nice to her now. I said for the last few months things were hard on me and thats how I reacted. I do not want to argue any more I told her. She than said she would think about it and said "maybe later on tonite or tommorow or something" than said I do not know and said she'd call me than hung up.

I guess this is good for a few reasons. She was flusterd on me being nice and NOT LETTING HER GET ME TO ARGUE WITH HER....also she was very shocked and I think headed in the right direction.

Now the hard part...will she call me.

ATN:

"I guess this is good for a few reasons. She was flusterd on me being nice and NOT LETTING HER GET ME TO ARGUE WITH HER....also she was very shocked and I think headed in the right direction."

I think you're headed in the right direction, too. Don't rush anything, though. Try to remember that other people can't make you angry. Think about this. Getting angry is a choice YOU make. It may be involuntary, or seem that way at the time. But it is one thing YOU have exclusive control over. And one thing that, by controlling, can lead to real progress!

"Now the hard part...will she call me."

Who knows? My prediction is that she will, eventually. Depending on how much she perceives YOU hurt HER, it may take a while. Maybe a long while. So, try not to get too hung up on whether she'll call you back today or not. Okay?

I think you did a good job. You simply may just have a lot of work to do, is all.

Take care,
-Qfwfq

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Any Time Now...I will be Happy:
<strong> She immediatley struck out and asked me if I was talking to her nice becasue someone was in front of me. I said no. She sadi why am I talking so nice to her now. I said for the last few months things were hard on me and thats how I reacted. I do not want to argue any more I told her. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You have part of your answer here. You have been lovebusting her all over the place and have been pushing her away. How attractive. That is revealed in her shock when you treat her nice. She may not take you up on your offer, but you can't expect her to believe your niceness on the first stab. You might have to be nice to her a few more times before she is not WARY of you. She probably thinks you are trying to trick her.

If you talk to her again, it might be good to tell her that you realize you played a BIG PART in the conditions in the marriage that led to the affair and that you have pushed her away with your argumentive behavior. Tell her that is going to change from here on out.

If you go over there, it is imperative that you control your emotions and don't lovebust her. Can you do that? Otherwise, you will just cause more damage.

What are her top emotional needs? Which ones did the OM meet? HAve you been reading up on that? You need to figure that part out NOW.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5520_qa.html

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5033a_qa.html

<small>[ February 22, 2003, 01:12 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Well....I bought "Surviving an Affair" today and I am halfway thru it. Daugther spent day with my mom. W actualy came in the house to pick her up! Parents huggeed her and said they missed her. I was upstairs listening and then finanly came down to see my son. Said hi to my wife and then played with my son while d,w and M&D chit-chatted. Wife asked me what I was doing tonite and I said nothing and she indicated she was going to bed early. When she was ready to leave I took my son out to the car and asked her if she wantedd to talk tonite..nothing about the past or future....just talk...ie how was you week etc...this is the longest we have been apart without seeing/talking. She abruptly said NO but then sadi maybe tommoroow. I then said how about I get the kids Dunkin Dounts and us some coffee and come over in the morning and read the Sunday Paper together (one thing we enjoyed togther was that, even during the heavy arguments) and then go to church togther. Anyway she said she'd think about it and call me tonite.

Am I on the right track.

yes, you are on the right track. She is probably very wary of you so if she does let you come over, you MUST not love bust her, ok? Otherwise, she won't give you another chance. Can you do that? Can you just be real laid back, respectful and pleasant? You have alot of work to do here.

Does she LIKE going to church? Or is that a stretch for her to go? If it is a stretch, I would drop that suggestion so you don't jinx your plan. This is about doing things SHE likes to do.

She actualy mentioned church...I suggested we go togther. I am the one who did not go before. She knows that I have been going to see her pastor for guidance and actually we both saw another pastor at the same church when she first filed.....I think she was in the "FOG" then becasue she never realy wanted to pursue it after 2 times becasue the affair would eventullay come out and like I said before she has not admintted it to me yet. Since/before I met her she would always go to her pastor for guidance when she had turnmoil in her life.....but I do no think she was ready to face her demons with the pastor yet. Her dad has asked her to go and see the pastor for one last shot at our marriage and if not for that for him. SHe has not gone yet, but church tommorrow would be a great start....especially seeing him.

Hey AnyTime, it might be better if you don't ask her to get together to "talk." That is the LAST THING she wants to do, even though you are qualifying it. Maybe you could suggest you get together for some breakfast and say "I promise no talk!" I think when you say "talk" that might get her guard up. So try suggesting any activity OTHER THAN "talking," ok?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Any Time Now...I will be Happy:
<strong>She actualy mentioned church...I suggested we go togther. I am the one who did not go before. .</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is a good move then! A possible deposit in her lovebank. Good thinking. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks Melody....I do that...thanks for the quick support.....

BTW....If she dosent call...do I?

Sure, I would call. Unless you think it would annoy her. [BE NICE]

ATN:

M's "not talking" idea is a very good one, particularly since your W probably currently associates "talking" with arguing, and you'll probably need to ease her out of that thinking with some good, quality quiet time together for a while. Church is a good idea. So would be watching videos together, particularly with the kids so there's no implied pressure on her for a while.

You can do this! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
-Qfwfq

Many thanks....

Videos??? Good Idea....Jus bought son "How to count with Elmo" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thanks

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Sure, I would call. Unless you think it would annoy her. [BE NICE] </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She has not called yet <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Am I invading her space / being pushy by calling?

Maybe I will just call in the morning.

<small>[ February 22, 2003, 08:14 PM: Message edited by: Any Time Now...I will be Happy ]</small>

Do you think she would perceive it as pushy? I don't know her so I don't know. On the other hand, she might not be ready to chance a get together yet and pushing her might be a love buster. Whereas, being nice to her for another week might give help her relax a little bit and give her some motivation to want to see you. What do you think?

I just called her and asked her if she had given tommorrow any thought..she said that she had not and that she has been busy. I then just simply said would you like me to call her in the am....and she said ya...just not to early...said after a 7:30. I said ok...talk to ya then. Conversation was peaceful.

ATN:

Hope it went well. Sounds like small steps is what this is going to take. At least you're communicating.

I have to hit the road in a while, so won't be on today.

Take care,
-Qfwfq

Well....Called her this am and she indicated I could come over....a stop at the grocery store to pick up some roses, donuts for the kids and some coffee I went over. I went in and I gave her the roses and a gift I was going to give her for VD. She gave me that "Deer in the Headlights look" and said a few times thank-you. I asked her to promise me she would take a 1/2 hr tonite or tommorow and use the gift (for her feet...some kind of kit to sooth your feet) she said absiolutey. We had an enjoyable time eating with the kids and after my daughter went to do some homework and my wife and I chilled with our son. She tried to get under my skin a few times to get me to argue, but I bit my tongue without letting her see it and respectfully had to say a few times that I was not her to agure but to spend valuable time with her and my kids. At one point see started to talk about us out of the blue....I said are you sure if you want to talk about this. She indicated that as long as we did not argue (thats funnny...that what Ive been saying....jeesh)She said you realize I could sign the Decree tommorrow and end all of this....bitting my tonuge cause I think/hope she is playin with me,I said I know. At one point I asked her if she would fill out the emotional questionaire (I explained that it would show us what we each wanted emotionally and what we negleted to provide the other) and she actually said she would. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> She also indicated to me in the begining that could not promise me anything and she was still "thinking".

After a few she asked me if there were any clothing itmes I needed (she for some reason is worried about how much clothing I have....find that odd) I indincated to her I could use a few more dress shirts and we went upsatirs into the bedroom. I asked her I could try some on (I have lost 35 lbs since she has filed ~2 months) so I began to try shirts on that before did not fit me. If they fit, i threw them on the bed (I figured Id put in a bag or something) but she asked me if she could put them back on a hanger for me....I said sure but again found it odd she was concerned about wrinkly shirts....Am I looking into this too much????

Anyway said good bye to daughter, son and dog <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> and then told my wife I enjoyed the morning with her and the kids and that I hoped we could do this in the very near future and she said yes especially cause we did not fight. I asked her If we could maybe do dinner this week with the kids and she said she'd like that -for the kids-. I then extended the olive branch and said if she would like to go to dinner just the two of us to let me know and I would get someone to watch the kids....She said she wasnt sure...I backed off and said no problem. I then asked her for a hug and she said no but you can have one. I hugged her and she kind of nestled into my shoulder but did NOT hug me....Thats ok because she still felt me....Right <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> .

Anyway a couple ?'s

1. Do I give her the questionaire? DO I give her mine filled out at the same time?
2. I am almost finshed reading "How to Survive an Affair" by Harley. Should I give it to her and ask her to read if she chooses? Or after things are farher along? Remember she has not told me it was a sexual affair. She said she started to have feelings for him and thats all. Yet she told her parents she'd be with him after the divorce. I think if I give it to her and say that I read it and saw part of us in there? I do not know...What do you guys think? Do not be easy on me?
3. What else can I do or better yet am I doing anything wrong?

Thanks.

^BUMP^

Anytime,

Please don't give her the book or even bring it up again. You will be rubbing her nose in the affair and she is not even CLOSE to admitting anything. Trying to educate them or force them to admit an affair is a huge lovebuster. Bring her the EN questionaire and just leave it by saying this would help me understand where I have gone wrong and I would consider it a great gesture if you would fill it out in your convenience. Then DON'T bring it up again.

You are running a program of ATTRACTION now, please remember that. SO be careful about pushing her into being alone with you or giving you hugs. No pushing. Give her time to adjust to the new you, ok? You want to bring her to a point where she *wants* to do those things. You can't *PUSH* her to that point. You bring her there by continually treating her well, not arguing with her and doing things that attract her.

for right now, you attract her from a safe distance by doing things that are kid related. She knows you can't get too crazy in front of the kids so she can watch you from afar.

You did GREAT by not allowing yourself to get drawn into an argument. One thing you can do is sit down and write down the typical things she says to start an argument and write down some good comebacks that will prevent an argument. That way you are prepared when you see her.

Anyway, it is going good, but please take it slow and easy. Push too fast and you will push her away, so be patient. Good job!

Whew...Thought you'd left me melody.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Anyway...I know I have to slow down. I just start and see progress and I am excited. I promise you I will take it slow. I know its a long road.

Now to ruin what I just said, she realy likes these bathing/hair products and I thought I could suprise her with sending a "little home spa kit" with it gift wrapped and a little note saying something like...."Thanks for allowing me to spending some good quality time with you and the kids on sunday...All my Love XXXX"

The gift is not extravagant by any means but at the same time thoughtfull..

What do you think?