She just called me, telling me she had forgotten my D had plans friday nite and that I could still see her, but would have to have her home by 6pm. Also reminded me to drop off some items in mailbox today.

Do I call her back? or kinda play hard to get....I mean I shouldnt jump to call her back right?

Also, what trouble, if any, am I posing if I get him in trouble and they are still seeing each other. Obviously its going to get back to her? Is this considered a LB.

LMK

Yes, call her back. Especially because it concerns your daughter. You should communicate on practical matters as you normally would. You are in Plan A - each opportunity for necessary communication should be seized as an opportunity to demonstrate your improvements. Be "nice," reasonable, don't LB, but keep your boundaries.

About contacting OM or OM's W: slow down. Do this deliberately and with caution and restraint.

In my opinion, you don't need a PI and this'll be an LB of mass destruction if she finds out. Others have used PIs and may have a different view.

The purpose of contacting OPs or OP's spouses is for one thing: provide information.

The premise of informing the OP is that the OP has likely been lied to by the WS regarding the status of the marriage and the desires of the BS. Thus, the goal of contact with the OP is simply to inform him/her of the truth. Once this is done, there is no reason for further contact. Continuous disruption in the OP's employment or other non-affair business is not the goal. If it happens through the initial contact, oh well. But the BS cannot be seen as intentionally causing disruption just to be disruptive. Yes, this may be a subtle point lost on the infidels, but any consequences for the OP must be due to the acts of the WS and OP. The BS cannot place him/herself in the role of scapegoat. Believe me, I've seen the results first hand of a continuously disruptive BS (the XW of my WS's OM).

The premise of informing OP's spouse is that he/she may be completely in the dark about the affair. Informing this BS affords him/her a glimpse of the truth with which he/she can proceed as they see fit - hopefully revealing the affair to the light of day on that side.

WAT

As of right now, I have no intention of hiring a PI. Although I did call one and he basicaly told me that if I were to call her, she might kick him out and then force the OM and W to be togther???? Make sense to me. Anyway he told me for a small fee I could get his home address, wifes name and phone #. But he did tell me not waste my money and just report his actions to his supervisor, which in turn would get him in trouble without telling his wife, yet. I have not decided to do this or not. If W is still seeing him then like WAT said, it could be a huge LB, and right now I think I am ahead of the game.

WAT / MEL - What other little things could I do without overstepping? I mean I thought the gift would have been nice....But I may be thinking too bigright know.....what nice gestures, besides truley being nice could I do?

Any help would be appreciated.

What about another nice card....nothing mushie?

A rose in the mailbox?

Thanks

DBL POST SORRY <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

<small>[ February 24, 2003, 01:59 PM: Message edited by: Any Time Now... ]</small>

Why not get the home address, etc., just for your information. It seems to me that would offer you some protection. You do not have to do anything to act on the info. You would just have it if you needed it. JMHO

Well....I just returned her call......

We talked about the reason she called me, went very nice. Then I ask if she was still throwing the idea around of all of us having dinner togther and she said sure.....kinda quiet though. Then I said do you want to go out or me bring pizza etc over and she said it was up to me. Then she asked why I was being so nice, I said what WAT suggested "I didn't realize I was harming our marriage. Now I see that I was short sighted and selfish. I wasn't showing you the love you deserve. I am committed to improving." I think I heard her jaw drop and hit her desk. Anyway all I realy heard was silence. She then kept bringing up the subject that she had to get something for the kids at the store. I realy do not know why she was telling me this, either so I could pay for whatever she needed fr them (thats why I pay her ~300 a week) or she wanted me to go just to go.
Anyway she would stop talking with silence, and then I would be like ready to say goodbye and she would start bringing up the dinner thing. I finally said, why dont you think about it and I call ya later tonite and she said ok. I do not know if my emotions right now are telling me she wanted to keep talking or what but as much as she was short I felt a attraction that she had to my voice/convesation.

ATN

You owe me a beer, huh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Any Time Now...:
<strong>As of right now, I have no intention of hiring a PI. Although I did call one and he basicaly told me that if I were to call her, she might kick him out and then force the OM and W to be togther???? Make sense to me.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">C'mon, you're gonna take relationship advice from a PI??

Truth is, she might just kick him out. Good - especially if it forces the infidels together - then they'd figure out that their fantasy isn't all it's cracked up to be. On the other hand, she might not, or if she does he might drop your wife quicker than a bass on a dull hook. Or, no matter what she does to him, she discovers MB - because you tell her about it - and she comes here and learns all the effective things to do to save her marriage as well and the problem gets worked from both sides.

Think about it.

In the meantime, keep up the good work communicating with your wife. A card or a rose once in a while is good - just not TOO much. Go slow and take it easy.

WAT

Called and talked to her about what nite she wanted to do dinner with the family. After that was discuseed I said good nite, I love you. (like I do everytime) and she says why do you always do that. And I of coarse say what are you refering to....me saying I love you.....and she kind of says nevermind (as her voice fades).....

Why is she asking me this? She knows I love her.

Can any of you help me undestand her reason to ask me this?

<small>[ February 24, 2003, 08:39 PM: Message edited by: Any Time Now... ]</small>

Maybe because she feels guilty and can't believe you really do.

Thats what I thought. But is that a good thing?

Hey Melody....DO you think this is a sign she is now letting me come over to have dinner with the family. I mean she knows that I have the right to my time with the kids. But I see it as her letting herself be included. Casue technically she could say I could just take the kids out.
RIght....

Just need some reassurance.

Anytime,

I don't know. Has she agreed to have dinner with you and the kids? It does sound like it is proceeding in the right direction. She just doesn't know how to take you yet and is probably waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I want to commend you for restraining yourself today.I know you were upset about the discovery that she is still in touch with the OM. You did an exceptional job controlling your emotions. Just hang in there and play it by ear. You are doing well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks Melody! It is hard not to respond the way I want to, but I see changes in me that are working for the best. Yes she agreed to dinner, actualy very easily. When you say "other shoe drop" are you refering to her waiting for ME to start being the old me, arguing, LBing?

yes exactly!

Hey WAT/MELODY....

What little things can I do without coming on to strong?.....What type of time frame? I do not want to screw this up.

Like when I go over there tommorrow for Dinner....Can I give her another card or maybe that letter, before I leave.

Just want your thoughts....

The nights are getting extremely lonely. Is there any good tactics to keep my mind of thinking of her being with him...Sometimes at work I feel like just going home and sleeping.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Any Time Now...:
<strong>Like when I go over there tommorrow for Dinner....Can I give her another card or maybe that letter, before I leave.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The letter was good. I suggest you hold off until after dinner to give it to her. Then modify it slightly to highlight your new and improved self - as you demonstarted at dinner - with a promise that your changes are real and permanent. "What you saw was a glimpse of what I've learned already. With your help, I can become a husband who can fulfill all your needs." or words to that effect. Then ask here about sending it soon after dinner when you tell us what happened.

This assumes, of course, that dinner goes well. For the dinner, consider her favorite flowers and maybe something for the kids? Just don't over do it. You have to be the judge of this. We don't know what would touch her.

WAT

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then ask here about sending it soon after dinner when you tell us what happened.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">----What?

Sorry I confused you. It wasn't very clear, was it? My Oldstimers disease.

I was suggesting you NOT give her the letter until after you describe to us how dinner goes. If it goes well, modify the letter before you give it to her to reinforce what she experienced at dinner - the new and improved you.

Better?

WAT

Thanks....So even if I modify letter before dinner, wait to give it to her. Or if dinner goes good casually give it to her?

<small>[ February 25, 2003, 11:23 AM: Message edited by: Any Time Now... ]</small>

ATN - of course you can do anything you want. If you feel confident you can "read" the results of your dinner interactions, by all means, do the letter modification first and give her the letter when you leave.

Personally, even if things went perfectly, I'd wait and mail it the next day to give myself time to sleep on it and to avoid the potentially over-drammatic moment of handing her a letter after you've just spent a comfortable time together. But that's just my preference. This is not rocket science - too bad, huh? THAT would be easier!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

WAT