Do you realy think that is what is doing it? I mean it can not be this easy.....to change myself and see the effect it has on other people...

WOW

Hi Anytime:

Actually it's not easy. It takes work for me to pay attention to myself and what I need to do to be a better person. I used to take too much for granted and stopped putting forth the effort to be a the wife and mother that I needed to be.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Any Time Now...:
<strong>Do you realy think that is what is doing it? I mean it can not be this easy.....to change myself and see the effect it has on other people...

WOW</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Anytime,
It's not easy. Your work has just STARTED. And you will have ups and downs as she tests your new behavior. This is just a start, but you have to start somewhere. You have to get her to a point where she WANTS to make a committment to work on the marriage and end all contact with the OM. THAT is your short term goal. You did great tonight. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Good job, just don't lay it on too thick - you'll burn out.

PTC - patience, time, consistency.

Time is on your side. Don't rush this.

WAT

I think over the weekend I am going to give her this revised letter...Not sure though..may wait a few more days.....Just in case she is reading I will remove after a few of you post.

Anyway I think I need to add something about her not "being in love with me"? Any suggestions....or just keep as is!

___________________________________________

Post a meesage if you want to read.....ATN 2/27/03 @ 9:10am Central.

<small>[ February 27, 2003, 09:11 AM: Message edited by: Any Time Now... ]</small>

ATN,

I don't think now is the time to give her this letter. You just started your Plan A one week ago. She might not even be thinking of working of a reconciliation yet and this letter might just push her away. She needs to be at a place where she WANTS to hear this. Not at a place where she is still wary of you. If you push too hard, you will have the opposite effect and will push her away. Please just play it cool and go slow. Time is your friend.

Fair enough....I will wait. I am just wanting her to hear me from the heart. I know, I know....Patience is everything. I'll be a good boy.

BTW....She already called this am and asked if I could pick up son tonite from school. How do I know she is not just "playin me" and has no intention of working this out and all of her actions are for the kids sake. Is this a valid ? to ask? Am I wrong for thinking this. I do see doubt in her eyes about what she is doing. In all fairness she could have just said to take kids last nite and she could have stayed home. I think I am trying to convince myself she is NOT responding for me. By what I have been posting, what do her actions tell you SR members?

Her actions tell me she is still feeling you out. I would tell her you will gladly pick up the boy tonight. We'll be able to tell soon enough if she is just playing you. Be cool and be nice.

ditto Mel

I suggest you revise your letter as you want and re-post it for us to review. As with all other BSs, you are too close to it to be objective. This is one of the beauties of this forum - others can frequently see things that the involved person cannot due to their emotions.

But I don't think you should wait too long to send the letter - assuming it's worded appropriately. For example, a couple of posts above you mentioned something about adding a thought relating to her love for you. WRONG!! Don't do this. Do not use the letter to crawl inside her head and express HER feelings. OK?

Let me suggest that you try to calm down some more. I sense you want to micromanage or react to every breath she breathes. This is gonna wear you out. Have you considered seeing a doc about antidepressants? This is a very typical need of BSs. You MUST take care of yourself before you can do an effective Plan A for any length of time. It is exhausting.

WAT

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by worthatry:
<strong>
I suggest you revise your letter as you want and re-post it for us to review.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">W,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by worthatry:
<strong>
Let me suggest that you try to calm down some more. I sense you want to micromanage or react to every breath she breathes. This is gonna wear you out. Have you considered seeing a doc about antidepressants? This is a very typical need of BSs. You MUST take care of yourself before you can do an effective Plan A for any length of time. It is exhausting.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Already on EFFEXOR. And yes I am a Micro manager to some degree. That's why you guys are here to help! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ February 27, 2003, 12:57 PM: Message edited by: Any Time Now... ]</small>

OK, hang on, I'm gonna noodle your letter some.

I'm not disagreeing with Mel. I'm saying you shouldn't wait TOO long, that's all. What you have is a Plan A letter. The timing of sending a Plan A letter is WAY less critical than with a Plan B letter. It really should be viewed as just a written version of what you're already doing - expressing your love and hopes and acknowledging your failures. If written correctly, nothing in it should PO your wife. But if you KNOW your wife is currently PO'd about something you said or did, it makes sense to wait to send it until she calms down. Otrherwise, she may not really read it. It think this is what Mel was thinking about. Maybe she'll elaborate. Of course, since you and I are guys and not capable of fully understanding women on a GOOD day, Mel may have better insight! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

WAT

I think he should wait until she is more receptive to his gestures. There have been a couple of days this week when she was clearly irritated with him and I think in that frame of mind, it would push her AWAY rather than draw her toward him. She showed some promise with her phone call last night, but I think we need more signs that she is in a positive frame of mind.

I think if she is in a state of aggravation towards him that she will use the letter against him. See, these types of gestures have a negative effect on someone who is, or who is TRYING to detach, because it obligates them to respond. On the other hand, if you have motivated my interest, it would be a postive, welcome gesture.

But, with all that said, Anytime, you are in the situation and are better equipped to predict her reactions despite any inherent bias. So, please just consider my advice but do what YOU think is best, ok? You are closer to the situation and know her better than I.

<small>[ February 27, 2003, 12:13 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

P.S. I am not talking about waiting 6 months, but waiting until you have a few consistent days of postive reaction towards you. That could be as early as next week!

<small>[ February 27, 2003, 01:59 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

Good points WAT.

WAT>>>>If you can edit the letter out....I cut/copies already. Thanks....I like the edits you made.

I agree with both you and Mel. I'll will wait for her to be more responsive to me. I will keep a copy in my briefcase. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

How do I keep contact WITHOUT pushing. I do not want to PUSH her AWAY. I also do not want to call her to say something like "oh could I get something from the house"

Give me some sugggestions on how to keep contact without looking like a sobbering, lonely man.

Can I simply call to say Hi! Melody....remember I am guy and I need to be hit on the head a few times just like WAT says.....

I did leave her another card yesterday prior to dinner. (I left when picking up my mail) she did not say anything like she did last time. Could be why she called last nite.

Thanks

Sorry DBL post.

<small>[ February 27, 2003, 01:15 PM: Message edited by: Any Time Now... ]</small>

When could I ask her about the Emotional Questionaire I gave her on Sunday nite? 1 week, 2 weeks or never.

ATN,

The next time you talk to her, ask her an open ended question about it, such as "what was your opinion about the questionaire?" Hopefully, that will open a dialogue and get her talking about it.

I would play it by ear for awhile so as not to appear needy, ATN. Next time you talk to her, just be friendly and maybe a little flirty. If it FEELS right ask her if she would like to come along with you and the kids the next time you take them. Just don't act needy or pushy, ok?

Boy the **** hit the fan tonite. When I picked up the mail today I saw that the Phone Bill had come. I knew the total because you can view it online before it arrives via mail. Anyway, I was expecting a furious call because the precautionary calls for her to pay all utilities. I knew a head of time I would pay half but she did not cause I made alot of calls when this all broke out. I got the call and put it to VM, that way I could a least feel her out. Boy was she pissed...."you know who this is and the number call me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> " I waited a few then called her...after she yelled at me for a few I said I would pay for any calls I made....Melody/WAT herer is the bad part....except for any calls you made to him. She thankfully ignored that and kept yelling. I then graciously said I would pay half and she calmed down. I said I had no intention sticking her with the bill. I told her not to worry and I would write a check and give to her ASAP. She said thank you. I then asked about her day and she said it was hectict and then said she did not want to tell me cause then I would acuse her of chaeting on me with someone...wher did that come from??? anyway she opened up and then asked me why I caredd about her work so much now. I said that was part of me that is changing and that I am interested in how her day was. She said...wow OK....Then she asked how mine was....pretty good conversation....Survivor is on....more to come in a few....

<small>[ February 27, 2003, 07:49 PM: Message edited by: Any Time Now... ]</small>

ATN:

GOOD SAVE!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
♥ Qfwfq