Susan requested that I share some of my story and I'll give a very condensed version:

Got pregnant and I married on my 18th birthday. Had my first OneTimeThing about a 1 1/2 years later. Hubby found out. I was only sorry I got caught, didn't really understand exactly WHAT I had done although I knew it wasn't right. What I mean by that is that I didn't understand the depth of my action nor how profound the effects.

Fast-forward a few more years. Started another affair. This was not a OneTimeThing. MM cut of contact and I went into a major depression. I started using drugs and I ended up physically hurting myself under the influence. Still no contact from MM. I ended up on painkillers and became dependant on them. Spiraled into a major depression. At this point I had not admitted my affair although my husband *knew* about it. I went into in-patient therapy. During my stint there I admitted my affair to my husband. By the time I admitted it I understood what I had done. I had absolutely NO good and strong role models in my life and therapy started giving me some perspective. Adultery is rampant in my family, both sides of my family. During therapy I started realizing that I did love my husband and I did want to be with him. I admitted my affair.

Shortly after my stint in therapy, hubby and I decided to move away from the city and made one of the biggest mistakes of OUR lives. We moved in with his parents until we could buy a house AND we worked for them in the family business (which happened to be in their home). Eventually we bought a house very near them and far away from my home-town and my family. The business was moved to another city close by. We were getting our ducks in a row to move to that city when in-laws announced they were closing the business down and moving it 600 miles away. I was ecstatic (many in-law issues. Many many many) because I thought the apron strings would finally be severed and we could move back to our home town. Nada. Hubby refused to look for work and had already made up his mind that we were ALSO moving 600 miles away with his parents.

I found myself in a new town where I don't know anyone, away from everyone that I love and everything that is familiar to me. My husband has pulled away from me and I have encouraged it (through my guilt, I became nothing more than his shadow as I didn't feel worthy of being ME).

My marriage is falling apart. I've recognized that I have been verbally, emotionally, and even sometimes physically abused throughout my marriage although it has gotten worse since the discovery of my second affair. D-day was 6 years ago. I am currently struggling with depression.

Susan, I'm willing to openly and honestly answer any questions you may have, or questions from anyone else. I am an ex-WS who, I guess you could say, has learned. I've done a 180 degree circle from who and what I used to be (in many respects).

selket

<small>[ March 01, 2003, 12:54 PM: Message edited by: selket ]</small>

Hi Selket,

Thanks for sharing your story.

hummm...from what Pepper says, I think you may live in the South. I don't know how far apart we are, but you better come on over girl, this may take a while.

I've done one of those 180's myself. The human spirit is amazing in it's ability to recover and become stronger.

My questions...What do you want? What do you need? What would make you "happy"? What troubles you the most?

What are you doing about your depression now? How are you taking care of yourself?

Presently, are you and your husband both working to strengthen the marriage?

I think you will find much love, support, and honesty on this board. I'll be glad to help any way I can.

♥
Susan

Selket is one of my fav members here on MB, a true inspiration.

Selket, you can make it thru this too, you've made it thru so much, keep posting to us here.

Lv,
Jo

<small>[ March 01, 2003, 01:44 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

Susan, Darlin',

I'm in the Florida Panhandle, don't know where you are. I'm from Tennessee so I do have that southern drawl. Matter of fact, know what we're having for dinner tonight? Baked ham, Great Northern Beans (with ham, onions, and garlic), cornbread, fresh sliced tomatoes and fresh onion. YUM. Anyway, I'm very lonely right now, my husband and I have drifted apart and I've found it hard to *fit* down here in these already established groups of friends. I have made one friend and we are very close.

I'll answer your questions but it's gonna take brainpower...and I don't have a lot of that right now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I've posted on this board several times about some things going on in my life but it's been a while since I last posted. I really like this board and I'm a regular poster on a couple of other boards. I'm thinking about taking a break from one of them......too much fluff at iVillage and not enough meat and gristle is allowed. Pepper is right about them...and my words about them <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> wouldn't be nearly as sugar-coated as Pepper's. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

If you like, do a search of my member number....that way, you can get more of a feel for me.

Presently we are in marriage counseling. I can relate to a lot of what Pepper posted (quotes from Dobson) but there are also some big differences. My husband has his own issues that he has, up until this point, not been willing to deal with. I've put 100% of myself (and completely have given myself UP) for this marriage making it very easy for him to become a non-participant. My mistake. BIG MISTAKE. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I was going to start a thread about starting a Plan A while still living together. There isn't any infidelity that we are dealing with (at least that I KNOW of..I wouldn't be suprised if my husband has cheated, I've had some very strong suspicions).

I'll be back later...my child is calling.

It's mighty good to meet-chya!

selket

OOOOOOOHHHHHHH RESILIENT!!!

I've missed you! It's so good to see your name. I've been drowning in my own life and I've simply got to do something to pull myself up and out of this mess.

I wondered if there would be anyone here that remembered me.

Thank you for your kind words and support. They mean more than you know.

I'll be back soon,

selket

Good to meet you too...I'm in Miss'ippi...just above the Gulf Coast...so not too far from you.

Maybe I should change that statement...I have done a 360, not a 180. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I will be back....I just got outta the shower... and I'll be having a bad hair day if I let it dry like 'is. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> And my husband will be laughin' at me if he comes inside and catches me sitting at the computer with a towel around my body and one around my head. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

We have a birthday party to go to for a friend tonight... so, I'll be away later.

But, you didn't answer a single question! I'll do a search on you a little later.

I remember your name...just not your story.

Susan

Susan ... Sel-a-belle is the gal that introduced me to SPQ's. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

have NOT been the same since.

Sel ... a minor hijack here. I went and had my hair colored this afternoon ... back to the red I was when we got married!!!

Honey-bun ... I am like Tammy her'self wit all dem big hair red locks ... I am shopping for a green-sequined gown with HUGE push ups ... cuz Susan is gonna host a SPQ party in 'missipi

<small>[ March 01, 2003, 07:30 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

A party? Oh, I am so there!!!! Do I need to bring the potato salad or deviled eggs? I'll just bring some margarita mix. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Pep, don't ferget the white cowboy boots with tassels! And you just know those (I mean, US gals) wear sparkly thongs. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I've always imagined you with red hair.

SPQ's effin RULE!

Thank God for the five-words-to-get-any-man-to-do-your biddin'.

Thanks for reminding me of this book, Pepper. I'd forgotten about it and I've been so <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> lately...I need a pick-me-up.

sel

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Thank God for the five-words-to-get-any-man-to-do-your biddin'. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The promise?

Y'all are laughin about it, but I am SERIOUS. We talked about it tonight at our party. Most everyone there KNOWS some sweet-potatoe-queens.

Not to mention a few wanna-be's.

It really is a big deal here.

You really should come! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Do I need to bring the potato salad or deviled eggs? I'll just bring some margarita mix. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hun, you bring the potatoe salad, and I'll git a ham.

Pepper, you bring some of that "see's candy" that I have never haid...cause I am a wantin' to try it."

Sel,

Welcome back. Sorry things aren't a lot better for you.

jd

Sel .... wanted to tell you.... I have been stressed lately, and my MOJO has been anemic and unreliable. I WILL think about your situation. In the meanwhile, I'll keep up with the convo here, and, when I have a MOJO moment, I'll let 'er fly.

Pep

Selket????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Susan~

Sorry, it's been a busy weekend. Here are my answers.....

My questions...What do you want?

I want a mutually satisfying relationship where I'm accepted as an individual, unique and beautiful, in my own right, and I want to reciprocate to the man I love.

What do you need? What would make you "happy"?

Respect, consideration, empathy, passion, love, acceptance, validation.

What troubles you the most?

For the most part, these things are missing in my marriage. What troubles me the most? Hhhmmmm....well, I guess there are two aspects that are equally troubling. The first is that I actively led my marriage down this road without realizing what I was doing. What is so troubling is that I thought I was doing the right thing and HELPING the marriage. So, really, I guess to sum that up I would say that I find it very troubling that my perception was so so skewed. The other thing that I find troubling is that I'm realizing what verbal and emotional abuse are and I realize that I've been a recipient of these things. Okay, I guess you could say there is another aspect that I find troubling. Now that I'm actually realizing the way things are, I find that I'm overwhelmed.....to work through this is going to be hard and many days I find that I'm discouraged.

What are you doing about your depression now? How are you taking care of yourself?

I'm considering anti-depressants. I've taken them before. Something else, I'm working on changing my mindset from *I'm not worthy* to *Yes, I AM worthy and I AM deserving* of some TLC...from myself and others. I'm basically trying to reprogram myself to be more independent and gaining a better *sense of self*. I'm working on my self esteem. I have no motivation (as far as physical activity) and I'm considering taking gymnastics.

Presently, are you and your husband both working to strengthen the marriage?

What a question. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I've worked my [censored] off over the last 6-7 years trying to strengthen my marriage. Pepper is familiar with my story. I've done everything I know to do and recently I reached a point of giving up. I'm not motivated. Another poster on another board said that when she reads my posts she envisions me *in a boat rowing upriver with one oar* and that is very much what the last 7 years have been like. My gusto, dedication, guilt, tenacity, and ability to empathise with my BH (betrayed husband) has left me in a position where I've done ALL the work without expectation for him to do anything. I've made OUR marriage a free ride for him, requiring very little effort on his part. I've basically carried the load and now I'm pissed because I chose to carry it. HOWEVER!!! I've also been dealing with emotional/verbal abuse (and some physical abuse) as well.

We are currently in therapy. We've been to 3 sessions. There is a LOT of anger to work through.

JD~

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

It's GREAT to see your face! I hope things are going well in your life. Thanks for the welcome.

Pepperoncini~

I've read a little bit about what's going on with you. No pressure from me. I sorry things have been so *ugh* for you lately <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . I'm praying for you and your mo-jo.

sel

<small>[ March 03, 2003, 09:10 AM: Message edited by: selket ]</small>

I'm at work...and this is going to be a week from HELL...Oh, I shouldn't say that...I work at a church... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> We have three BIG things going on this week.

Anyway, I'll be back.

3 counseling visits...that sounds like a great start. But, buckle up...it took us two attempts at two different therapists and two years minimum.

I can't exactly grasp your husbands position. He is going to therapy, so I presume he is wanting to have a better marriage? Right?

I'll be back...sorry...duty calls....

Oh, and I do recommend the antidepressants...I no longer take them, but I did try about four different ones until I found one that helped me.

Susan~

When you get a chance....check out this thread:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=017244#000005

sel

Pepper,

If you find that lovely green dress, pick up an extra one. Size 6, plez. (I really wear an 8, but looks like they wear 'em pretty tight... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

You better get your plane ticket. It is exactly 2 weeks from today!

I read that the SPQ's were moved to the back of the parade. We had a discussion the other night at our party about whether this was a good thing or a bad thing.

Final consensus was It's a real good thing... Build that anticipation in waiting for them.

Like my husband said "Santa Claus is always at the end of the parade..."

Ok, I read it.

Did you want me to pay attention to the first part...or were you showing me the SPQ portion?

Do you still have unresolved issues with your parents?

Susan

Nah, Susan....

I was just trying to give you a *feel* for me and since I realized that you are, indeed, familiar with the SPQ's I figured we could banter a bit at some point in time. Plus, I figured we could regale and share with each other about our southern-ness.

As far as my parents go....yes, I still have issues with them....BUT..I've realized that I can expect absolutely nothing, so I don't hold out hope. I'm not willing to work through those issues at this point in time. As it is, I'm overwhelmed with my own day to day stuff and I simply don't have the energy to devote a precious smidgeon of it to them.

sel