Watched UNFAITHFUL last night , My H is an [censored] , all he did the hole movie was call this
women a $LUT .

Ok I was not pleased with her either , but he was not getting it , I got so pissed off . I started with him .

Don't You see , you are the same as she is .
Well he flipped out and started defending his actions saying I was out of this house when I slept with her .

OH my god , you where also telling me there was no one and you where coming home one day .

and now you live at home so whats that about [censored]?

He sid , I am not having an affair , well what do you call it when YOU still see and talk to OW and we won't mention sleeping there on occasion ?

Oh that isn't an A its a situation <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

He really belives himself its amazing totaly amazing .

Today there was a fight and I said , something like I don't think we are going to make it cause of the fact you can't understand my insecurities about where he is , H said , I can't stand having to account for where I am and who cares at this point if we make it . <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I sware talk about smug really thinking that there is nothing wrong with this .

Then calls just to say he is having bad day I said I really don't care . You think you can keep avoiding everything and it will all take care of itself well F you , this is about me to and my feelings go to he!! with your memememe attitude .

Good- Bye

So he don't get it yet , He is avoiding everything acts like nothing is wrong and I shouldn't be upset .

You know what I relived last night I am not over this A or forgiving him cause my pain is not being egnolaged.

BUMP

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He said , I am not having an affair , well what do you call it when YOU still see and talk to OW and we won't mention sleeping there on occasion ?
Oh that isn't an A its a situation.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Can we say FOG?! Ya know, if they didn't hurt us so d@mn much, the things WSs say would be almost funny. I actually did laugh at a few things my H said. The one that sticks in my mind the most is, "It wasn't an affair because you knew about it." I honestly did laugh my @$$ off at him when he said that.

Have you checked out any threads about dealing with conflict avoiders? I think you might find some helpful info. IMO I think that's your H's main problem (of course he could just be a lying bå$tård cakeman in which case the former would not apply). But seriously, I really think he just doesn't want to deal with the problems that he himself caused. And I swear that something happens in the WS's brain that keeps them from seeing the BS's pain while the affair is ongoing.
I agree with you setting the deadline (although I don't know if I could make it through 3 months! but that's just me...). Stick to it! And stay strong!

Just wanted to let you know I finally changed my name--not lost anymore! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Well trying to sneek past me my freind LOL New name I like it .
Yes was and have been rading more on conflict avoider.

We had another heart to heart last night .

First a very very big fight , his phone was off 5 min. after he hung up with me and for 30min to follow , of course this was my imagination .

Well anywho, we went at it , and he said he had enough of my $hit with accusing him and was leaving , well I said , thank god have a good one ,a couple other choice words from the top of the list to the bottem and then said , now you can pack and be on your way .

Well he came home and we went to parent teacher , for son (report card) .

Then he wanted to go and talk , out for coffee of corse he takes me to favorite place .(starbucks)
Ok well I told him he is free to go and I am relived cause this hole mess needs to come to an end .
He said , I do not want to go any where <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

GOD make up your mind ,but won't tell OW .
We talked about her alot (can you say vomit) LOL
She is well I don't know , if he is capable of making these things up so I think a wacko .

But for many resons he feels guilty , and yes also staes guilt for me and can't face mine with kindness cause it makes him feel as if I am rubbing it in his face to know he made such a mess out of our lives. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
Bottom line is he is scared feels as if there is a line that is going to get crossed of the point of no return .

She threatens him , and he says he knows she will carry out hers cause she is drivin by all the pain her life has had and he is the icing on the cake sort of speaking .

But with me he feels that I don't cross the line cause he knows I do not want to cause him pain .

I was shocked that he said such a stupid thing and explained very clearly that , I will cross any line when I am ready for my pain to mean more to me then his does .

He said, it came out wrong , he know I would call her and knows I would D him .But he feels he could resolve this matter with OW before any thing worse comes of this .

I made it very clear that this was a mistake and I can forgive with signs of remorse and N/C .
But in continueing this kind of action with her only strenghtens my feelings that he has become someone I do not know anymore and is showing me very clear cut that he is bidding his time until I make those decions for him ,
He begged me not to do anything , but to stand by him in this situation alittle longer , and that we have to be together . I told him I have serious douhgts that I am even going to make it till JUNE 1 . His actions need to change ,with OW he needs to start showing me that he is getting rid of her , he needs to stop answering some calls now not be so conserned about making sure he does what she says . All I see is him apezing her , witch shows me more and more that he is still telling her he will be with her .

Yes he does show me affection and does tell me that he loves me and is in love with me . He calls . But its not all about what he does and says with me that means half as much as what I still see him do for her .

She now is terified of the war and is calling him everyday to blame him that he left her and thats what makes the war more scarry (WACKO WACKO) I do not even think he is capable of making that one up .

ON amother note I don't think he is going to make it much longer . I know I have been saying it now for a month or so but his health is really starting to play a big roll in this .

I really think it is coming down to he will go down phisicly .(spelt wrong lol)
BREIF: TRIGLIERATES 3x's what they should be
cholestrol 3x's what should be
3 packs a day
30 lb weight gain
high blood pressure
dizzyness & chest pains
no sleep if so restless
and will not take MED's( docter gave him last year and told him all this not even adding in factor that heart condition is in family ) he is a #1 canidate for a heart attack .
No man on his farthers side lived pasted 50 (only one an uncle far. brother 3 heart surgerys )

I want nothing more then him to be well and happy maybe thats where all the guilt is though .
I told him I can let all this go just not to see him like this ( I mean D )
I can't let this continue though and I think thats whats got him so wound up .
He just keeps saying she can't hold out she will stop .
You see he is a CONFLICT AVOIDER deep in FOG .
He can't face her with trueth cause he has to admit he did this , and he don't want to give me the total trueth cause then he has to admit this .
GET IT .

I know him that is the way he thinks , someone else must do it so he don't feel wrong .

I am working on me now , I need to find the peace in me , like when he wasn't here when I faced it was over and started to move on .

It is just harder to do with him in my face .
But I have to find the strenght to do it this way with him home , to let him see he needs to make his own decisions . Like a mother letting a child screw up ( does it make sense to anyone ) maybe I am not expressing this right .

I just need to be a freind and also find me in it all .

Sorry so long for anyone reading , I really need the feed back it is so important to me .

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She now is terified of the war and is calling him everyday to blame him that he left her and thats what makes the war more scarry (WACKO WACKO) I do not even think he is capable of making that one up </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> OMG what a loony! LMAO at that!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> he said he had enough of my $hit with accusing him and was leaving, </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> and that's about all I have to say about that. Good comeback by you tho--same thing I would've (and probably at some time have) said.`Actually H and I had a little talk the other night. I old him that while he was going through his time of "confusion", I had gotten to the point that if he wanted to leave, it would have been fine with me, I just wanted him to make a decision one way or the other. I think that probably clued him in a little bit as to how close he was to losing me. Anyway, I'll go dig up my thread sometime and talk about that.

Sorry to hear about your H's health. Is he doing anything about it?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But I have to find the strenght to do it this way with him home , to let him see he needs to make his own decisions . Like a mother letting a child screw up ( does it make sense to anyone ) maybe I am not expressing this right . </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Makes perfect sense. He's not going to see that he has f'ed up until he wants to see it. Everybody has to make their own mistakes and learn from them. The "fog" is his way of denying that he has caused others pain. He knows in his heart that he has hurt you and is continuing to hurt you, himself, and yes, the OW too with his actions. Realizing this, taking responsibility for it, and changing things is a decision that he has to make. For both your sakes, I hope he does it before June 1. I wonder if he thinks OW would sick by him through all the $h!t that you have, although that would be a pretty tough question to ask without LBing.

I hope things are going better for you. As always, take care.

HEY, always good to here from you , hope all is well . Haven't posted in a few days don't know if its even worth posting . After that talk on Thursday he went and saw the b!tch on Friday .

CAN YOU SAY THE WORD [censored] !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CAME HOME 2AM , sick as a dog and he went anyway , H went to doctors scars on lungs and breathing test well he failed . On meds . lots of them inhalers , cough med . (heavy duety) and others .

Also really bad case of pink eye that he needed to see eye doctor .

Well he is going for blood work next week for everything else and a re-check .

Alot to re-cap sat. home he was sick and couldn't get out of bed .
Sun. we where suppose to go to friends house for dinner (I went with kids) He was sick , but the morning started with yes phone calls from OW .

Pretty good though casuse he had to take calls in house and I got to here some and the rest well I taped them yes recorder on hand .

I did here him say that he did not pick up his kids all weekend and that he was at his brothers house in bed .So am I suppose to belive that yes he is telling me trueth that she don't know hes home ?

I also found out $lut is going to school , (God how I pray there is a terrist attack in that school) LOL
Now the BULL $hit , after he hangs up I ask what school ? when ? and for what? He says he didn't know anything about it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Ok She does not $hit with out telling him , and there together 2x's a week and he don't know , (YES and SADDAM is a kind and gental man wanting world peace !!!!!!!!!!!!!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Now the fun MON. takes off from work and makes all DOTOR appts. 3 of them even a dermo one he didn't need to take up the hole day from 12;30 pm to 8:oopm at doctors ( included travel time )

says she called once .ON TUES> NO CALL ( belive that one ) NOW WEND. oh yes she calls needs to see him sick and all goes there 4;30 to 12;30am .

I Spoke to him before he went and explained that this is coming to a head and I am more and more convinced that he wants to me to see that he really does not love me and ow truely means everything to him . I told him go see her when ever you want doors are going to be locked and unless he realizes that at this point I am gone there is no M here to work on , I want to be begged and I want him to KISS MY A$$ and short of that I am out of this I had it and moving ON .
Time to poop and get off the bowl .

No more arguing nothing I can't do it , want to go through the motions well when we need to go out as a family he will not call her or I will be screaming in the back round no more protection if he ain't home when someone calls I will just say he is out and I don't know of his return , let everyone put 2&2 together and they will .

He know that . If he wants me he has to come to me and she has to go or he will recieve resistance .

Well this morning I went nuts and so did he , He said , that finnal I am taking off from work and going to lawyer , he is sick of me and knew that this wouldn't work with me cause I am a sick person . <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Well I told him ok but this time do me a favor DO IT ALREADY YOU CHICKEN $HIT!!!!!

I told him yes I am very sick and it won't work cause I can not deal with $haring my H D!CK !!!!

Then he said , well I will tell the layer that I was never seeing anyone and you make things up and I tried with everything I could to reconcile M . HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO

I said, no problem cause while you where out F'in around this hole year you forgot to pay attention to me , I was protecting myself for this all along , YOU don't think that I wasn't video taping and recording convos or followed and took pictures and by the way will have my LAWYER get all phone records from your cell phone that proves there was a relationship going on . Take your $hit and e-mail me with your Lawyers name so mine can start having fun . and then my fun will begin I will go after this little Slut with evertything .

I will have her tossed out of apt. ( it is a basement witch is not legal in NY , and can have her fired from her job in one phone call )

And in D I will get half of the $hit he bought her , he said , F you they were gifts , I said well prove it cause the credit cards and furniture delivary all has it going under your name and we paid the bill with refinancing our house so that makes it yours , witch in turn makes it 50% mine .

YOU see I will hurt you by hurting the one you love !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!And by the way you can't protect her cause your goning to tell your lawyer you don't know her RIGHT , ok so play with me I learned from you have no HEART go for the BALLS all is fair in love and war .

SO then it calmed down kids woke up for school ( they could sleep through a bomb)
Any Who after an hour he goes to leave and I was fixing lunch (S) He comes for a kiss <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> WOW the nuts !!!

I turned away he said , see you later WHAT , no your not picking up kids tonight you will see them next weekend , good-bye . I will be home later so we can talk .

WACKO WACKO Then calls me and says I thought we were stronger then this , I thought we could do anything . (WACKO WACKO) He said, what You can blow off steam anytime you want but I can't .

OH MY GOD , is this FOG or a illness ? says all I ever did was try to tell you the trueth and that I love you . This situation is hard enough and I thought we could get through it together .
Tells me I thought you knew me better then anyone in my life why can't you do this with me ? WHY cause I am HUMAN AND BLEED WHEN I GET CUT , do this with you what the F*** do you think I have been doing with the past year of my life , STANDING BY YOU LISTENING TO YOUR $HIT AND STAYING HOME ALONE WAITING FOR YOU AND HERING ALL ABOUT THIS POOR $LUT THAT HAS MORE REMORSE FROM MY H THEN I DO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Comments Please with an open mind

Excuse me, but he said he couldn't devastate OW? What the hell does he think he's doing to you?
You need to tell him he's choosing to hurt you over her. And don't believe the crap about job security, other excuses.
It's quite simple. He tells OW he is saving his marriage, has made a horrible mistake in being with her and for her to buzz off!
If he expects problems from her, well, who started this problem? NOT YOU!
If he keeps saying he wants you, and his marriage, then he has to show it.
He said if you tell her, he'll divorce you. This shows clearly who is more important in his life.
Your reply should be that if he doesn't tell her and make a NC rule, you will divorce him.
He is cleverly getting his cake and icing too.
Big man afraid of the OW? Makes me want to puke and laugh at same time.
There is no legitimate excuse for him not to tell her and break it off. Other than he is wanting to keep her and you too.
As for my opinion, there isn't room for three in my life.
Tell her the truth and let him make his move!
3 months is too long and not necessary if he wants his marriage. It's only doing more damage to you in meantime. You do deserve to be the only one in his life.
Quit letting him make the rules and set some down for your protection. It's not his game anymore.
LouLou

bump

Good God girl!!! (((((((((((3)))))))))

So everything is finally coming to a head. Now it's time to protect yourself. I agree with LadyLou. D@mn, am slightly blown away.

I do have one question for ya--Are you going to call her? I mean, really, what have you got to lose? H's already threatening divorce. I think this whole thing needs to be brought out into the light. I think now you should try to be calm, cool, collected. Get your ducks in a row.

God, I feel for you right now. Take care of yourself and your kids. Stay strong.

Hey 3,

So now what is your boundary? Sense a lot of anger here. You should get it out before you explode. You both are going through a lot right now.

How are the children?

Please make sure that you document your stuff. Keep it in a safe place (away from his grasp) and shore up your finances. If he is giving stuff to OW, chances are she may think she is entitled to more.

He does not seem stable right now and plan B may be viable. Are you up to it?

take care,
L.

3,

3, 3, 3!

Not that I post much, but I felt compelled to post to you after having posted to you before and seeing that you are still going thru the same stuff.

Get your hard hat on because I'm a gettin' out the 2x4.

You said you gave your WS 3 more months and then that was it.

Your sig line says you are in plan A. But are you REALLY in plan A?

I keep seeing the same things, and a lot of fighting between you and your WS, to the point of him saying its over, I quit, divorce, etc.

Quit fighting. ow is doing lots of LBing. And so are you. You say three months, but you are dancing the same dance with WS that you have been.
What? 3 more months of you LBing, and WS has to decide between you and OW, when both of you are LBing?

If you are in Plan A then read the concepts here and apply them. From what you are writing here, it is my perception that this is not happening.

Listen to the people who are trying to help you on this board.

I have to agree with the people that are posting that you need to contact ow and tell her he is at home. What do you have to lose?

Your WS continued contact of OW is driving you up the tree.

In my case, I finally called ow and told her what was up, my FWS had been staying with me, and it turned things around. Yeah, my FWS was p!ssed for about 2 days, but it did turn things around.

I set no boundaries and contact continued sporadically (sp?) for about 2 1/2 more months, but it was definitley on the downhill side.

If you truely have decided on a 3 month deadline, then do a true plan A. Quit fighting, I repeat.
Make his time with you as comfy as possible. Fulfill his EN's. Don't talk about ow. Tell him it is just too painful and change the subject.

Be nice. Give him a massage. Long hot baths together. His favorite meals. No stress while he is with you. No relationship talk. No ow talk.
Just plan A. Change you.

You can't change him. And if you can't plan A in this atmosphere, then go to plan B.

Listen to Orchid. She is wise. You are having some wise people post to you and they are trying to help you.

Try to listen to what is being said here. People care about you. You are worthy. Quit LBing by fighting with WS.

Plan A is about you looking good. Start looking good, because you ARE good.

Get your ducks lined up. Protect yourself in case of worse case scenario.

And to echo what Orchid said; How ARE your kids??? I know mine suffered tremendously, and after 2 plus years, are just now starting to move forward and recover.

Sorry if you feel I am too harsh on you. I know you are hurting, but you are worthy. You deserve better than this. Stop enabling and being part of this. Just MHO.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

<small>[ March 28, 2003, 01:23 AM: Message edited by: Miss M ]</small>

Thank YOu all so much for responses , this is what I need .

First CHILDREN are good , and no I am not in denial, I have a good grasp on reading them .(having gone through worse 1 1/2 ago)

We fight well around them and H and I have learned very well to be fine infront of them not tense when it comes to them at all .

OK - plan B no , I am ready for it but I have explained many times he will NOT LEAVE and I can't and won't .

MISS M - thank you , LUVBIRD , has been telling me the same for far to long . PLAN A - I have read and read and do get it even post to others about it and I just don't do it (stupid I know )

I think it has been my hole problem all along and has dragged this out for far to long . It is my fault .
I do know that with this 3 mon. dead line I must plan A .

He always tells me there is no one who caould ever meet his needs like I have done and still do .He continuely tells me I am the only one there in his life that has never let him down and always help him to achieve anything in his life .

All my ducks are in a row and are safely tucked away that I have been working on for a long time , money well there is none we live basicly hand to mouth as it is there are no bank accounts or any assits except house and that is safe .

The things he bought for her was when he was out over a year ago , he does not spend any money on her now , unless he makes cash some where I know nothing about . ( I dought it though)

NOW after yesterday there where more calls from him to me , telling me that he was sorry and just frustrated that he knows I am right and that he really is tottaly HONEST with ME .

AND not proud of his actions or lies to OW but re-enforces that this WILL GO AWAY and she will be gone to please stand by him .

He said , he will make more of an effort to get rid of her faster but begged once again for me not to talk to her , for his sanity . Says he just is not ready for all that will happen .

He wants to get out of this situation with out hurting her any more and have any more guilt then he already has .

I KNOW VERY F UP !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I continued to explain to him the damage that is being done to ME and to US may not be able to be repaired .

I told him the best I am capable of till JUNE is freindship .He was upset by that and said, that can't happen . WE have to much together and he refuses to loose that .Again this choose will and is not yours to make . YOUR actions must speak for you and that is what I will go by .

Last night quit , his mom was in and there where other family matters that was going on that his brother pulled me into that I was asked to medate between them, long story and will be another thing I my plate .

But I love his mom very much and she me so thats not a problem .

BE back later , thank you all please keepposting I need the responses !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3,

Your WS is NOT helping the ow by lying and continuing to lead a double life. In the end it will just hurt her and yourself more.

IMVHO your WS is feeding you a line of BS, and I don't mean betrayed spouse. He's SAYING all the right things to you, but his ACTIONS are telling a different story.

I repeat, you cannot change him. You can only help and change yourself.

One thing you could try to do is step back from how you feel, and stop reacting to everything.

I had a great therapist during my FWS A, and one of the most useful skills that I learned during this time was how to step back from my emotions and stop reacting to what was said and done.

Observe how you feel. Acknowledge how you feel, but don't react to how you feel. Own your emotions and then when the feelings start to leave, let them leave. Don't hang onto them.

Think to yourself, what is the healthiest way to deal with this situation? Don't let your emotions get control of you to the point where you are LBing.

I don't know if this helps, or if I explained it well enough. It is hard at first, but if you make a conscious(sp?) effort, you get better at this.

He won't leave? He might not have a chance to come back home if you change the locks. There are ways to get around all that.

I repeat, your WS says all the right things to you, but his actions say the opposite. He talks the talk, but he walks in the FOG.

He's had the chance to end his affair his way, and it hasn't come to an end. He can tell you what he wants, but his actions say he is still in a full blown affair.

I would tell OW what is really going on and blow this whole situation right out of the water.

If you are really going to plan A until June, then PLEASE try to remove yourself emotionally, step back and stop reacting.

If you aren't setting any boundaries it will hinder your recovery in the future. I feel I can say this because this is what I am living right now after 2+ years in recovery.

Step back from this whole situation. It's not helping you that he is telling you everything. It must be very painful for you to hear all about ow, but I don't think you are getting the whole story. IMO if he is lying to her about you, he is also lying to you about his physical involvement with her.

It's all about him, not you. Step back. Don't let him talk about her to you. It is not part of you or your family. It is his problem. Don't listen to it. Go do things for you and your family. Try to be calm and act like you are okay. Don't be needy or clingy. Distance yourself emotionally if that is what it takes for you to feel better.

I am sure your self esteem is taking a huge hit right now. Don't let yourself be diminished by this. Your WS says the right things to you, but his actions are not putting you first.

Sorry to be so negative. It just makes me angry to see you letting your H treat you this way.

I hope and pray that you will someday see recovery and your H will put you first in his life.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

OK needed to ask some question , and MISS M the 2x4 was ok I have taken harder hits LOL .

Now the plan A , I am not telling OW (well not yet ) I am giving that till JUNE .

Next , MY hard part , PLAN A with her in pisture how do I aply concept when he calls and says he is going there .
With out LB and still reinforceing my dislike to what he is doing , with letting him know although he is going I am not "ok" with it .

Do you understand , I know you read I am in Plan A , but I also stated that I know I am not doing it and that is part of the problem that this has lasted so long . ( well one of them anyway ) But I belive it to be now the biggest .

I know the Plan A for me , I am as of yesterday , back at the gym . FOR ME as I am unhappy about weight again and it puts me in a mood , I am focused on being with KIDS and enjoying them .

TRying the keep busy thing , but the dealing with the " phone call " thats says I am not coming home till late . Thats when I need to keep a zipper on my lip . But not give him , the sense of approval . I mean he knows I do not condone what he is doing , and yes to some they think I am a door mat . In one way I feel like one , then I know in another sense I do speak up .

Thei is the situation and what I need is to find away to work in this situation now . I know it will NOT be this way forever . But I still have that gut that tells me I have to continue more efforts that I have not done all I can do to be satified .

Comments PLEASE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He wants to get out of this situation with out hurting her any more and have any more guilt then he already has . </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok this really stuck out to me. Doesn't he realize that the longer he allows the lies to go on, the longer he allows this woman to believe that he is committed to her, the worse it is going to hurt her? Doesn't he realize that it would have hurt her less to break it off a year ago than it would to do it now? And doing it now would be better than doing it a week or a month or a year from now? I'm sure you know what Dr. Phil says about this (to paraphrase)--the only thing worse than being in a bad situation for a year is being in one for a year and a day.

And he continues his babble about wanting her to "go away". Man, I'd love to be able to ask your H this one--why would she possibly go away when he is leading her to believe that everything is ok? He knows the whole jacked up situation--she doesn't. All she knows is what he tells her--if he's telling her everything's ok and acting like everything's ok, then why would she not think that everything IS ok? Why would she back out of what she thinks is a good relationship?

I'm not trying to be overly sympathetic to her--just blowing his theories out of the water about her. Please refresh my memory if you've said it before, did she know he was married and living with you when they started messing around? I know she doesn't know that he's with you now, but did she know he was with you then?
I do still feel like you should call her. Or find some way for her to "find out". I just don't think he's gonna take any action, and she's definitely not going to magically disappear. I think your H is blowing hot air when he says he will file for D if you tell her. He was threatening D yesterday-- today he's acting totally different.

Glad to hear that the kids are doing well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

There's something I'd like to talk with you about, but I'd rather not do it on the board. Can I email you?

LUVBIRD , would love to here what it is ,BUT >>>>>>>>I can't talk at all through e-mail if it is anything about this situation . Everything I do is track !!!!!!! Yes you heard correct , he has spy equitment on my computer , has even read things here .

This to him is to ensure I speak to no one about this ( family or freinds ) that was our agreement .
He knows I speak here , even though he does not like it cause he thinks it makes things worse cause people do not know him on a personal leavel so they are not veiwing this correctly .

But we have one anothers pass words to e-mail , and I am not saying anything that is untrue to my situation so I don't care if he tracks me here .

He does not read all the time but it don't make a difference to me if he did .

BUT>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> , any other contact about this matter he would catch on to know what I mean .

If it is about any thing else then yes I will give you e-mail .

ok ? let me know if you understand the message . ?

NOW back to your original comments , yes I have gone over all the above about hurting her , and to answer the qeustion about "there relationship " He is stating over and over it is not , it is weird like she knows that the relationship is over and he does not love her .

But that is not her point , it is she says she don't belive he is not home see she asks him to see her to try and get him to tell the trueth so she can prove he was a pig all along .

she says to him I think you went home to your wife and if you didn't then I will make you prove it to me by seeing me at the drop of a hat and take me places to inconvince you , so that if your home your wife will call me and then I will get even with you .

Her not thinking that I would know when they are together . And yes when this all started she di dknow he was home and M , but that his M was on rocks (it was cause he was stating to feel for her) Then I through him out, and when the 4hit hit the fan she said, she only got together with him cause he was seperated ( not knowing he was telling me he was confused and still loved me )

He then moved in with her and I started to move on months went by and then he begged to come back
thats where we are now . He broke up with her and left her .

She went nuts and called and called and then barged into his job one day and they talked out side then all the threats started and from there everything went down hill .

MISS M I am sorry I was posting at the same time as you so I saw yours after woulds .
Thank you for advice on stepping back and not reacting to the emotions .

I am so out of it thinking that fridays are always bad days .

I need to get this right , for me and yes I know about the he TALKS THE TALK and don't WALK THE WALK .

Its all so confusing cause I know him for 18 years and to be a miniplater is no his character but neither was having an A , so I am trying to set aside logic now and emotion and to just see what I know is in front of me .

<small>[ March 28, 2003, 11:39 AM: Message edited by: luvbird ]</small>

Ok read it and will go over to post to you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Well people 2x4 me again ,I don't know if I handled myself well but trying .

All day not to bad , went to gym , posted here cleaned and did nails , played with 4yr old she never stops talking (I have no idea who she takes after <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

In between H called well almost ever hour , then it came ........the call ,,,,,,,,,,,, Ow called wants me to stop by .

So after freezing up for 2 min . I said, stop by or stay ? he said , I don't know she just said, she needs some cloths and why was I questioning her , do I have to consult someone . ?

He said, your mad I know , (smart that boy) I said , not as much as I am disappointed . Then I could not help myself I had to ask .

If her problem is that she don't want to know you left to go back to your wife cause she will feel used , and you are not a couple and she knows you have know feeling for her , then can't you tell her you have a date and want to keep it ?

I mean you say that she has gone on dates , and she is not telling you that you must be with her or no one why don't you just say your dating ?

He was very silent for awhile then said, when she calls back I will put that in . I said, ok bye .

She called and he questioned her as to why he needs to come by , she yelled why do you have to tell W where you are ? I thought your not home so who cares ? he said, well if I got to call my kids or a girlfreind I want to know what is so important ? He said, she flipped out and said, I will see you later .

He said, now she will keep me ther even longer to bust my balls about that . I said, well I guess I'll see ya when I see you . He was saying why do you do this why can't you just understand it will go away and we will be fine .( very saddly )
I said, listen I got some things to do and this is not getting us any where , no use in talking about it and damaging any freindship that is left for us . He asked that I don't speak as if it is over for us cause it is not I LOVE YOU , don't you hear me . I said, yes I hear you I just can't see you . I will see ya later .

Ilove you , said, again I said , I do to .

I was on my way out and he called on radio on way to ow house asked where I was cause he called home , I said, taking kids out shopping then to dinner he was suprised very .
he said, have a good time I said, we will . bye

No LB 'ING very calm not sarcastic , just very matter a fact . No yelling .

and I for got who but to clear it up H would rather not talk about OW he says it hurts me to much and would rather it not be mentioned .

But I am the one who wants to know , so how does that stop . I mean the more I know I feel helps me later on If I comfront her and she really doesn't know he is home , or if she does and he told her another ball of lies . I don't think she knows .

she suspects but doesn't want to come to the party either ,

OK let me have it .