Nothing to let you have other than a smile. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

U done well. Maybe not by all standards but you showed that his actions or antics with or by the OW will not get in your way (or at least appear that way). This is good. For now.

L.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I'm lettin ya have it too! 3 cheers for 3...

HIP HIP HOORAY!

OK weekend update , and you people thought you wouldn't here from me LOL .

4:30 am on fri. ( or should I say sat. morning) Well I rolled over and laid there I think he thought I was sleeping . He touched my hair and whisperd ILOVE you *** I love you so very much , kind of crying . I went to bed .

Sat . morning got out of bed , he asked that I hold him awhile . Ok .
Then on our way out to sisters and a party , and yes OW calls .

Takes call , wow another problem for her , (I am so shocked ) She was going to hospital broke arm .
She yelled that he couldn't take her cause she says he don't give a $hit cause he left her high and dry . WHATEVER , we left ok day alittle sense in car cause she called and detaianed us .

Over all fine came home and he went to get me a starbucks coffee ( ok so I think he called her but said nothing ) other then thank you .
watched tv and cuddled .

Sun . went to play football , comes home and takes s for hair cut D went to . I went shopping (food nothing exciting )
And guess what calls and tells me OW called . I said , ok thanks for telling me . I am alittle busy I'll see ya at home .

Well this no REACT is hard very hard , I got in car from supermarket and went to park in rain before going home and went for a fast RUN around the track to let go of the emotions not to take them home with me . then went to couple of more stores stayed out about 3 hours .

Came back he help alittle with bags (back hurt)

Said, I think I am going to have a bad week , she was in hospital all night and walked home and was pissed that I did not call to see if she was ok .

( oh but there not a couple <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> )

I really did not comment and I think he wanted me to . I just said, I am sure you will handle it .
Then cooked and played with kids (both of us)

Then watched movie and I masseged his back and he went to bed . (amazing so tired at 11pm and wend.and fri stays up late )

Any who this morning went to gym and tybo work out now off to pick D up school and clean .

Did I mention I HATE THIS WOMEN !!!!!!!!!!

I wish so much harm on her , I know its his fault but she still knows he is M and she Is an a$$.

I need venting here alot .

3,

You did great!!!

I am so proud of you.{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}.

It IS really hard not to react. Especially given your situation.

You did the right thing by going out and running, being gone for awhile. It really helps you to get a grip on your emotions if you can get away from it all for a little while.

It sounds like you did what was healthiest for you and the situation.

One of the things that was in the materials my therapist gave me was what to do when you are angry with someone.

It said to gently avoid the person for awhile, and when you were able to not react, to do something nice for the person you are angry with.
I had to do that a lot.

Looks like that is what you did. You can do this. It is hard at first, but once you get in the habit, it does get easier.

You are doing great. Keep up the good work. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

If you are interested I could dig up some of my material and post it to you. I had a Christian counselor who supported my decision to stay with my FWS when most secular counselors would not have even seen me, given the situation, unless I got rid of my FWS. It was pretty bad. And my therapist was in line with MB principals.

I am praying for you and yours today.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Thanks MISS M , I really need the support , Wanting my M is very hard for alot to understand givin the situation . I know sometimes it sounds as if I will put up with it forever but I know me I won't ,

I am waiting for the gut feeling to tell me its time . It happened once and I know it will again .

I am a person who tolerates alot and trys to get my point across for along time before I feel comfortable making a Finnal decision .

I just got a phone call from H , Not good saying OW called ( I was expecting that) but she wants to see him tonihgt and to take her to court tomorrow . Well re- act I did .

I know but I am getting under control now and will speak to him in a little while . I can't be perfect in 3 days with plan A .

I think it was the way he presented it it was like we are getting along well and ITS ok that I am going , not like he saw anything wrong with it .

I never want him to think for a second in all this thats it is accepted by me . When I think that thats when I feel like a door mat .

Now I think he is weighing it out thinking if he comes home it will be ok to go to court tomorrow .

I just need for him to start saying no to her and I would belive him alittle more . that he is trying to getrid of her sort of speaking .

It bothers me that she knows he is M and has not D yet or even seen an attorney , also she never goes to where he supposedly lives ( apt at brothers house) and he has no phone other then cell and she knows he still gives me hole pay check and she don't see writing on the wall , come on .

I think she suspects hes home and is doing it all to get to me .

I know focuse on me and M not her .

3,

So you reacted again. No surprise here, as you are just starting to not react to the situation.

BE CALM. My very humble opinion: I would tell him that just because you are getting along doesn't mean that him seeing ow is okay with you. But... perhaps tell him that even tho he is making choices that are hurting you that you will not mistreat him anymore over it. And start distancing yourself when he does go see her. Don't be available. Don't sit at home and wait. Go out with kids and do something with them, do something for you. Or, do something nice for him while he is gone. Maybe I'll get flamed for this, but if you do something nice for him that is waiting at home for him when he returns, it is heaping coals of fire upon his head.

The bible says do good to your enemies, and unfortunately, your husbands actions right now show that he is an enemy to your marriage, family.
I don't mean it in a bad way.

In the midst of all of the turmoil of my FWS contact with ow I would want to LB badly. Fortunately we were separated at the time and I could go thru the whole gamut of emotions without FWS being a witness.

I would leave messages on his voicemail saying that I knew he was going thru a hard time and I was praying for him and that he really was a great guy, talented, gifted, etc.

Your situation is different than mine. You have this in your face continually. Try not to react. If you feel out of control, just go for a walk and pray, pull yourself together. Tell WS you have to leave for awhile and will be back soon. Then, when you feel in control, go back home and get on with your everyday life.

Please take care of you 3, I know it is hard for you to stand up for your marriage in the most difficult of circumstances.

Yes, you will know when you have had enough. I respect your decision, and am praying that God will give you the strength to stop reacting, be your sweet self, and that you can do and will do what is best for you and family. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

God bless you.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

well YOU read my mind I did just that after post I kick boxed with phone off hook then put it back he was calling .
Wanted to know why I did that ?
I said, I know we got along well this week end and I did not yell about Ow calling , But that does not ever mean it doesn't hurt .

I do not want you to get the imprestion that I approve of your choices cause I feel they are very poor in judgement , and they hurt me very deeply . But you must do what you choose in your life , and I can not control that but do not condone it either , also if you don't mind I would rather not speak about this subject any longer or to you right now as I feel very hurt but your actions and do not want to say anything else that may anger you at this time . Respectfully leave me alone right now I have some thimgs to do and places to go so I will catch up to you later on .

He continued to say , I thought about it and I will tell her I am not going there tonight and I will come home so we can talk about me taking her to court tomorrow .

I said, no if you already have choose to take here there is nothing to talk about , and I do not approve and am not going to discuss something that is not going to change . I don't need to waste my time on communicating if it will be falling on deaf ears , and now I am getting off the phone . He said , I love you and will call you later I am sorry for hurting you , I said, love ya to good bye .

Very calm voice not yelling straight tone , and thats all .

I think I might be able to handle this .

It maybe time PLAN A and me become freinds LOL .

THANK YOU !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Will update tonight , for my roller coaster never seems to slow down from minute to minute.

I thought people use to say roller coatsers get stuck sometimes , mine don't . LOL

3,

Go 3 go, go 3 go, GO 3 GO!!!!!!! Yeaaah! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You did good, keep it up.

FYI, it is with great difficulty and with great hesitation when I post anyone. I would NEVER want to give any bad advice, or harm their recovery.

My wish is that if God would use me to help even one person here I would be blessed.

MB has been a Godsend to me, it helped me to understand that my feelings were normal and I was not crazy, and I never found this site until 1 plus years after d-day.

I have never asked for help on this site, I mostly lurk, but your situation has touched my heart.

I believe you can do this. Already your WS is responding by not going to ow tonight.

Remember, step away from those feelings and don't react. Just observe, think of the healthiest way to respond, what is best for you, marriage, children. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I will be praying that God will turn your WS around and give you the strength to deal with whatever comes up.

I have to go. Will check up on you later tonite.

Love in Christ.
Miss M

That SOB went to see her any way , he called on way home and said, he was going to stop there for 2 mins she wanted to ask him something .

CAN YOU SAY PHONE!!!!!!!!!!
no I didn't flip out I just said, is there something wrong with the phone (concerned and sarcastic voice) No its just easier to shut her up .
Came home , dinner bla bla and talked with kids totally normal . After dinner talk about him taking her to court today .
I asked what the need was to stop there after work , he said, when he told her on phone he was not staying she said, stop by . she wanted to know what time to pick her up and I asumed that could be done on phone . He said, yes but she just wanted to inconvince me cuase I was not staying .

Then started saying today is no bog deal, I don't see anything wrong with it its just helping someone out of guilt and makes my life less complcated by her not yelling at me for days if I don't and interupting our lives every min. cause shes mad .

WOW this FOG thing is sick , sounds like he really belives himself that this is good for us .

I explained while not making her MAD and keeping his life less complecated , I was being hurt and that is what is being missed also that I am getting tired of feeling as if my life is rotating around another women . (very calm )

Then what ever he was saying was causeing me to start to feel angrey , so before I lost my cool .

I said, got to go , he said, where , I just said, I can't do this rihgt now I am going for cigeretes .

I went for a long ride I was about to chock him , I really can't understand who he is right now .

well I got to go work out , be around later

ON another issue , or maybe the same but more about me .

I hate the way I look , I am FAT , everyone else around me considers me skinny . Well let me explain . I always had a BODY and that is something I was secure in it helped make me who was . Please don't think this as sick .

Athletic and thin , but boobs and but .

Ok got pregnant and loved it thought it to be the most beautiful thing in the world and gained alot alot alot of wiehgt always saying no big deal I will loose it .

After first kid going from around 115 to almost 200 I lost 20 lbs. no good I hated me more everyday and every min and every year cause it stayed with me then go and start losing H hated it and told me every min . after 3 yrs, I started then 145 and guess what PREGNANT .

200 lbs again , loose 20 and stayed that way . OK things bad in M. H hates the way I look act and the fact I did nothing . But I hated myself more then any one ever could .

So d- day came and BAM WAM loose 55 lbs in 7 months any way I could not eat , drink , throw up ( saw ow and ok about 110 lbs make me sicker )

H home and about 125 ok not feeling to bad.
NOW here it comes I have put on wieght 7 lbs I feel like I look the same as I did at 200 , I really mean it I can't sleeep I am whereing big cloths to cover my body I want to do nothing except loose this weight and its not comeing off quik enough I can't stand to look at myself any more I don't like mirrors and I am embaressed to get changed again in front of him . H doesn't say what he use to but he does say my weight is noticeable .

Is this all because of her , I mean I know part of it is but it makes me feel horriable to look like this . What happens if I never am 115 lbs and tone again , I think sometimes I will be misarable forever . Ok I am rambling but I cryed most of last this morning about it and it is an issue for me .

I will stop rambling . no neeed to commment I guess this sounds childish .

3,

{{{{{{hugs!!!}}}}. So sorry to hear your H is being such a you know what. He is obviously on another planet.

Remember, plan A is for you. To make the changes you need to make and try to meet WS EN's.

This way, when and if you need to go to plan B, you know that you did the best you could do, for yourself, children, marriage.

May I tell you that you are doing great? How you didn't react last nite was awesome. You will start feeling better once you quit reacting to WS.

Keep reminding yourself that you have given yourself a June deadline for Plan A.

ow is LBing, and you are starting NOT to LB. Keep it up. I know it's very hard, but keep telling yourself you cannot control him or make him do the right thing, you can only change your behavior.

Am so proud of how you have done in the past couple of days.

I know it is hard in these circumstances, but remember you have made the choice to stick with this whole situation until June, so don't pay any attention to fog talk.

When it gets too much, distance yourself, CALMLY state to him that you are hurt, and leave, exercise, whatever until you can go back into your situation without reacting.

I know how much you are hurting. I wish I could help you more, but I can support you.

I hope some other wise people will respond to you and give you some good advise.

Praying for you,

Love in Christ,
Miss M

PS-vent here, get it all out, not to WS. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ April 01, 2003, 12:59 PM: Message edited by: Miss M ]</small>

3,

How tall are you?

132 pounds is a LOT less than 200 pounds!!! Would you pat yourself on the back for doing such a good job?

How dare your WS tell you your 7 lb gain in noticeable. You are doing great.

Continue with your work out program. Tell you what, everytime you want to LB and react, go work out, go for a fast walk, kick box, whatever until the urge to react goes away. Bet you shape up in no time.

Maybe you won't be 115 again, but if you have a lot of muscle from exercise you can weigh more but look just as good as if you were 115. Muscle weighs more.

Do it for you. Take the time to do it for you. Make it a permanent part of your life.

When you start feeling fat, remind yourself how much better you look now than you did, remind yourself how far you have come.

You have come a long way in meeting your WS need for physical attraction. Sorry he is such a B!@thead about it.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

PS- we must have posted at the same time LOL!

He tried to radio me from court when she was away ,I ask him not to call if he was going to rush me and I wanted a call by 3pm knowing if he was coming home on time .

FIRST -connection kept on gettng cut off and he said, its taking long cause there was a smoke scare . YOU don't understand I am suppose to belive bad luck follows this B!TCH around it is sick .anyway he rushed me , I said, next time call from a phone . he dissconnected . <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Two-its 3pm and no call <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Also this morning I was fine quit no convo , just went about busness (kids and school) DID not say a word and was kind . KISSED good morning (him me I responded nicely ) witch I never usely do when he is going to be with her . I useualy start a large fight but was an angel <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ( took everything out of me )

NOW here is where I notice plan aaaaaa and me don't get along .

I do this , his way no fighting and no re-acting this is very much what he wants ,and then I think I should be rewarded for it asap .

LIKE the phone call that is not happening right now I want to screem .
I mean I could have made his morning he!! I didn't so why can't I get bone thrown my way .LOL

I know its for me but it also should be recognized by him . I know all in time . I am telling you guys this is always where I screw up .
I go 3 or 4 days and then I am NUTS OOOOOOOOOOOOO

And the weight thing is for me ,,,,,,,, but thats the problem I am not happy there either and it makes me upset with everything . (5'4)

Anyway I am venting and rambling and I am just wanting to kick this girls teeth in . I know ABOUT me not OW .

thanks , I need the support .

Hey 3--sorry I haven't posted much--yesterday I spent time on housework and then had a bit of a "feel sorry for me" day (I'm better now). Anyway, just wanted to tell you that you are doing soooooo good!!

And about the weight thing--it is not physically possible for you to look any where NEAR 200 at 132--unless of course you've shrunk about a foot and a half, in which case I think you may have a bigger problem! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Be healthy and take your time losing weight--it didn't go on overnight, it won't come off overnight either.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

This is when I can't handle it , this all day $HIT , now he calls to what rush me again ,and say he is still in court , and will still be there till he don't know when .

WHAT TIME ARE YOU COMING HOME ??????
I do not know , Are you hanging out after court with her?????????? I don't think so I don't know .

Well how will I know? I will be home when I get there thats all I can tell you .

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOW , THIS LOW LIFE , POND SCUM , CHEATING, LIEING, LOOOOOOOOSER . THIS BRAIN DEAD ,D!CK BREATH PEACE OF DIRTY FILTHY A$$ ,,,,,,,,F'IN *&&*(&(#&@(&($&(&$!(*&(*&$(!&($&($&($&(!*&$(!$&(!$*&(!$&!(*&(&$!(*&$(*&(*&$!(*&$(*&(!%*%#_!_!_$@(&$&@@@*

I could well , lets say put my car in reverse right now !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am in a mood kids where acting up right before phone call , they through a toy into window and broke picture frames and almost cracked new blinds ssssooooooo as I am in middle of this H calls see what I mean .

WOW no wonder not to many people make it PLAN A with A still going on in there face . (living together ) OH no excuse me there not having an A , no he just helps her out of GUILT and PITY and can't tell her hes home cause it would cause to much of a problem .(and I want to say saddam is a peaceful loving kind man that wants world peace ) ggggggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I am venting big time see this is me I am going to loose it and then back to yelling at the walls again or doing something I don't want such as CALL HER TO END IT ALL FOR HIM !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want to do nothing for him , need to get focused its gonna be a LLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGG night .

I can't leave kids have home work and I have no one to watch them for me to leave and if I kick box again today my legs and arms will off .

ok do homework, eat dinner ,then go in bath , well that might not be good either I will end up crying . Ok yoga ( yes I have all tapes some where in closet I am weight obsesed)

what do I do I want to FLIP out and I know you all know that I have every right , but ,,, what good becomes of it .

But if he comes home with that smug attitude like he had every right to go and no big deal and ignores me like I have no feelings I can't promise myself that I won't well jump on him and chock him until the beutiful color BLUE starts to appear .
Ok got to stop get a hold of my emotions !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
re-act to them to myself and let them go before he gets home I know there valid thats what counts , ALIENS do exsist , but ET was so cute and seems a he!! of alot less complicated.!!!!!!

BUMP!!!

OK--take slow, deep breaths and count to 10 (or 100 or 1000--whatever it takes). Think about things before you blow up at him. And I'll be the first to tell you he deserves it BUT is it worth nlowing your plan to blow up at him now? You chose to try to do plan A--you have to stick to it if you want it to have any effect.

That being said, I think you're d@mn near saint level for even considering plan A after all that's gone on. I understand not having the means to leave or get a job--I know the feeling. You know what I did--when it got to the point that I felt I couldn't take anymore, I calmly discussed it with him and told him that if he couldn't work through his confusion, then I would be moving into another room, that we could be roommates, and even friends, but that's all. I also probably would have spent a few days with family, just to put some distance between us and give us some alone time.

Anyway, I'm trying not to ramble. Keep me posted--and if you do go off the deep end you have permission to call me collect from jail! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Oh and don't forget--you do have the option to call her anytime you choose to. If she has a lick of sense (I know, BIG if), she'll drop him like a hot potato.

3,

{{{{{hugs}}}}. Sorry you are going thru this tonite. Good you are venting here and not at WS.

Now get on your hard hat.

Remember that you have agreed to be in this situation for 3 more months.

You can't change him, you can only change how you are reacting.

Yes, he is having an A. He was obviously rushing you on the phone because he was sneeding off to call you and didn't want to be caught by ow.

When he does that, keep it short and hang up. If he says he'll be home when he gets home, say ok and hang up.

Go take a bath. Don't answer the phone. If he wonders why you don't answer, say you were busy, sorry.

Since you've made this decision, you have to find some way of taking a break from all of this. Don't buy into it.

Play a game with kids. Do your normal deal, get them to bed.

Take a bath.

Go live your life, don't let him think you are hanging there just waiting. You've got to find some way of detatching so you can survive.

Or think hard about your time frame. You will know when you have reached your limit.

Just don't LB when you do! LOL!

Praying for you tonite.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Well lets just start at I was so pissed off , I started calling OW house last night , would you belive my luck ,she don't answer <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Her thinking it is her X harassing her , cause she lost in court against him .

Well is that a sign that , I was re-acting out of anger and it was not the right thing to do? Who knows anymore .

Very depressed this morning , I was reading so much last night I think I am blind today that and alot of wasted <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> .

Yes I do think I have the right to feel sorry for myself once in a while , even though I am in this at my own will .

I am not putting any one down with my next satement cause everyonre and situation is different .
I read people here say there spouse tells them there in love with OP, or want a D , or I do not love you any more .
And they hold on , some very succecful with plan A or B and in recovery , or some still sticking it out .
NOW me I want that to move on , All I want is TRUETH and I state that over and over I have even shown him over a year ago when he said, I LOVE OW and want to M her . (now he said it to shut her up and cover more lies at the time )
But my point is I moved on , got up next day and started reflecting on me what I need , what I want , What I did wrong , where I could change .

Not to get M back but to move on , he don't want me ok I can deal with that , I still loved him but could dismiss it he loves someone else , no problem .

HIM coming back after that , was a shock to me , I mean yes in back of head always wanted that but could deal with anything (this all before MB)

I am rambling , I guess what I am saying is there any trueth to what he is saying? and if so it still don't take away from the disrespect and imature way he is handling it?

ARE we or should we just be room-mates ?
I very rarely spit in the air cause I know its ugly on the way down . But in my life i spit in the air once always saying (no one get offened) I would not be like some women in my area that I know that allows there Spouse to have a mistress (the ones in my area are the ones you read about in news papers NEW YORK ) get where I am going here .

Anywho so what am I ? I am one of what I do not want to be . <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

This body thing is hard to explain and very hard for people to understand , but it MADE me part of who I am . I was more confident , It was a BIG part of who I was . It gave me a sense of control that I can move on do anything . OK forget this no one is going to get this .

Moving on back to the trueth thing , is there , could there be any vality in waht he tells me ? or do I just want there to be?

I know why people don't do PLAN A and why this can't be in your face cause everyday is D-DAY.

Why I keep telling myself I am strong enough to have it in my face and work on this at the same time is beyond me . I know I am not stupid, neive , or desprete . So why so thick headed ?

I am so HURT , so TIRED , ANGRY, SAD and feel so defeated . So very lost , lost in my life not knowing the joy of love of laughter of stablity and modt of all WHO I AM ANYMORE .

I have no Idea what direction to turn , I am empty inside completely broken and can only go from rage to deep pain .

I can't even find autopilot , theres no steady ground and I feel like the only place left is to crash and burn .

I can't even find enough in me to hate him or get even or make him pay . NOTHING the deeper I search I come up EMPTY .

Not even really knowing what the hell I want .
I mean yes do I want him , yes love him yes ,BUT MY WAY .

DO I want him to give her up , well no not if thats not what he wants . Not if its to be with me cause of kids or family or history .
I want him to give her up cause he loves me and only me no regrets .

And GOD knows I have told him this so many times and so how many things can I say and do for him to get it .
Why is he holding on to me ? why am I still hereing he can't make it with out me? why am I still hereing there never will be another for him like me? All to have 2 women ? doesn't make sense.

I told him I can walk away from you in the name of love and let you move on for the sack of your happiness , If you REALLY love me why won't you walk way from me and stop hurting me in the name of love ?

HIS reponse cause I do love you and I won't let something like this situation take you away from me . <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I know most her veiw me as beyond help and a door mat and well what ever . I don't care , this is just what I am going through and this is my feelings .

MAYBE this wasn't the right place for me , maybe it is silly to share all this , I don't know .

I guess I will just do what ever and work through this $hit going on inside of me , but age plays apart to , when does life begin when does it all come together when do you love , live and laugh .
Why are there OP that get court up in your world , why does there have to be high jumps , why can't life well life with out an obstical .

Got to go , finish <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> cause of corse can't do that all day got to go put on the smile and prtend everything is peachy .

REALLY bad PMS starting to kick in .
(LUVBIRD does it seem like everytime I attempt PLAN A it is right before PMS ) so weird

3,

So sorry you are feeling so awful right now. {{{{hugs!!}}}}

I really relate to what you are going thru right now.

I remember when I knew FWS was with OW I would cry the whole time, for 5-8 hours at a time. And I would get face down on the floor and pray pray pray. I officially had a nervous breakdown. My therapist didn't tell me that for 6 months because I wouldn't have been able to handle it. I went on Celexa for a year and Xanax for 4 months. It really, really helped me. 3, have you looked into getting some anti-d's, or at least some Xanax to get you thru these moments? Those things really really help.

You have been thru so much, separation, the whole thing, and moving on, then your WS coming home and putting you thru this.

Where is happiness, 3? Well, it is obviously not in this situation as long as your husband is being a cake eater. And that is what he is doing.

His actions are contradicting what he says. He SAYS he is not going to let this situation destroy your marriage, but that is exactly what he is doing.

I know you thought your efforts were noble, that you could let this situation go on anothe 3 months. Very noble of you but just look at what is happening to you. This is destroying you.

You cannot make your WS change. But you can set boundaries for yourself.

There can be no recovery as long as there is contact. If you think for one minute you are moving ahead as long as this continues, you are wrong.

All the secrecy is just feeding the A. Putting it out on the street, so to speak, is going to change the atmosphere.

3, something has to give here, before you have a nervous breakdown. You will never feel safe as long as ow is in the picture.

I suggest you read Pendragon's post in recovery, maybe that might help you get some perspective.

I understand the body thing, I am 20 lbs overwieght and it really affects my self-esteem.
But I think you are not too far from your goal. Try and be positive about that. You have lost a lot of weight, and pat yourself on the back for that. Look at it as the glass being half full for this one. I do understand how you feel.

I don't know what else to tell you, I just feel really bad for you right now, and am struggling not to trash your WS right now. I don't want to be negative, however, I don't see him as caring much for what you are suffering right now. His priorities seem to bee ow and blindsiding you with his Bullsh!t while he has his cake. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

You have to start caring about you. We are trying to support you right now, with all of this secrecy crap, I know you don't really have anyone to talk to or anywhere to vent besides here on this board.

Don't let you WS destroy you. Start taking care of you 3, and think hard about whether or not you can deal with this situation another 3 months.

As I said before, you will know when you have had enough. From your last post, it sounds like you are getting close to that point.

Try to have a good day 3, you are not a lost cause, I believe you deserve a lot better. As Luvbird said, you are a saint.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

<small>[ April 02, 2003, 10:06 AM: Message edited by: Miss M ]</small>