I think I have a fairly unique situation (not real clean cut) but I bet everyone feels that way, so maybe this isn't that unusual. The short version is my wife and I got married without knowing each other too well, I didn't do such a great job in the 5 years we've been married, and now she's not sure we should stay together. Here are the details if you can stick with me...

My wife and I dated for a few months, hit it off great and then she decided we got too close too fast and she wasn't ready for a relationship (she was 19, I was 22). A few years later (her 22, me 25 now), she called me looking for support and told me she was pregnant and not planning on marrying the dad. What started as some support for an ex-girlfriend that I never really got over turned into us getting married one month before the baby arrived. We've raised him as if I was the Dad (although everyone knows the whole story, including him) and have two more kids of our own since we got married (now ages 5, 3, and 2). So, the first point is that during the first four years of our marriage, my wife was either pregnant or nursing a baby (did that till they were about a year old).

During this time, my wife was not very happy. She was very social before we married, and afterwards, with the kids and the fact I'm military so we move a lot made it hard to make friends and go out and do things. I'm a bit more introverted and while I knew she was unhappy, I kept thinking things would get better after the kids got a little older and we could go out more. I kept putting things off, thinking we just had to wait. This was asking a lot of her and I see now was not at all fair to her.

Last year we both started playing an online computer game (from some of the posts I've read here I know some of you are going "uh oh...). She got into the game even more that me because it was social interaction of a type with other people that she wasn't getting before. She hit it off with a guy online and they started sending more and more intimate emails. I snooped and found the emails, confronted her, she said that she was needing more social interaction which is why she did it, but I was blowing it out of proportion because it wasn't going to go anywhere. I tried to be ok with it, but it was really eating me up.

Then I had to go out of town for a month for work. Here's where it gets messy for both of us. My biggest screw up during the entire time we were married, is I was going online for porn and sex chat. These were one time encounters just to "get off" and never involved any extended relationships (online one-night stands). I justified this in my head because my wife wasn't that interested in sex at the time and I figure if I did this I wouldn't bug her as much about it and make her upset. While away, I got on a chatroom looking for romantic advice concerning my wife and hit it off with another woman. We had intimate chats and a couple of phone calls. At the same time, W was having chats with the OM and it too led to an intimate phone call. About this time my wife revealed to me that she didn't feel like she loved me anymore and wasn't sure that she ever did. Hearing this made me start acting like it was over and trying to get close to the OW I met online. When I returned home, my W and I decided we needed to work on things, went to counseling for a few weeks and were advised that we both seemed very positive and willing to work on things - much more so that most couples the counselor saw. She advised we break off contact with the OW and OM and work on things. This is when I revealed my ongoing visiting of chat rooms to W and she was very upset by it. She also saw the text of most of the chat I had with OW, making things worse. At this time I totally broke things off with OW. I haven't been on a chat room or send any emails my wife doesn't know about since. My wife kept on playing the computer game, and kind of non-committedly said she wouldn't talk to OM anymore. She didn't see it as a big deal though because it wasn't going to lead any further. (She told OM that the intimate call was inappropriate and they weren't going to do it anymore). Despite all of this, things went fairly well over the holidays (during which time we also had to move!)

Now it our new house in a new city, things went ok for a while, but at one point she checked on my yahoo acct that I had kept for no sane reason that I know of. Worse, I hadn't deleted the old emails from OW. Complete oversight on my part (I honestly forgot they were there), but she took this as I was still talking to her (I wasn't). I think she eventually believed me that I had broken things off, but my credibility with her is pretty much ruined right now. I have since deleted the acct and have no other email than the one we share at home and the one at work. I have done nothing inappropriate on either of them since we went to counseling.

As for her, she is still playing the game and talking about what I've done to her online. She is getting a lot of "Why are you still with him?" advice. At one point I saw she still had OM in her friends list and she said forgot about (fair enough considering my email in the paragraph above). She removed OM from the list, but then a few weeks ago I found out she had added him back it (because she was "curious if he was online").

I tried telling her I don't think the game is helpful to us trying to work on things because 1. She's getting all "You should leave him" advice, and 2. I'm not handling her playing well, since I know she's talking to people that she was involved with inappropriately before. She's not willing to quit because she enjoys it and is getting the social interaction she need. She feels a real need to just go out and party right now. She went out one night to a bar and came home saying that she decided she wasn't going to do that anymore because she likes having someone to come home to.

Bottom line is right now she is not sure she even wants to work on things. She has had a really rough past and since she sees what I did as having an affair (she admits she kinda had one too) and betrayal (plus all the stuff I hide from her though the whole marriage). Because of this she feels that by forgiving me she is letting herself down and being weak. I have fully agreed what I did was wrong, and am totally committed to her and our relationship now and forever. I actually feel good in a way because I really see that my behavior was bad and know that I have fixed a lot of things about myself. She isn't sure if she should believe me and worse, doesn't know if she even wants to...

So, we start counseling again next week with a new guy (since we moved). I'm hoping it goes well, but I know unless she makes the decision to forgive me and totally work on things that we're sunk. I know that if she does make that decision, that things will work out fine...

Comments, suggestions, advice, or condemnations?

I don't know how much you have read on this site, but I suggest you get the book "Surving an Affair" and read it first. Then ask her if she will read it and go on from there.

In the mean time, be nice to her. You may be angry that she is not willing to work on things. It is natural, but she is more likely to like you if you are nice to her. Don't argue, don't fight, help her all you can, do things she likes.

Before you get the book, read all you can from the basic concepts section of this site and start learning how to meet her needs. If I did it, you can do it. My W loves me more now than for years and years. I did it by following the stuff I learned on this web site, plus lots of prayer.

That's what I recommend you do for a start. This may take time. Don't react to negative things she says - she may get angry and say she is leaving etc. Don't react to it. Just say you are sorry she feels that way, that you still love her and don't take the bait to fight.

Let us know how you are doing.

SS

My W actually bought the book and we both read parts of it. I like it and think it's right on. My W doesn't like the whole "Be totally open and have no secrets" part. She feels like she needs to be her own person right now. She just isn't ready to fully commit now, so I guess I need to just keep being positive and not confront her at this point...