hp-sorry if i sounded like i was slamming you. I wasn't.
I just want to add that being at a funeral must have intensified the feelings that hcii described tremendously. Not only was H dealing with that loss of family, but he was also faced with thte reality of death and not getting the opportunity of communication with uncle like HCii was able to have. There is no closure for H in this case.

I would feel your feelings and let this issue go. You will have other opportunities for healing....

H_P, I am getting ready for work, but I am going to reply to you tonight...just wanted you to know...

Andy

H-P hi,

I haven't got long but I want to reply to you. Hcci's post was far more graphic and described exactly what I wanted to say to you. Maybe you could share that beautiful post with your parents, your children etc

You are poised to take this understanding of what you have done to the next level. You may feel you are being sucked into something like you were with the OM. If so there are 2 differences.

1) You are motivated by your courage and not by an illicit sexual attraction.

2) The outcome will be a complete healing and closure of your pain instead of lies and deceit.

Now is the time to really understand the full horror of what you have done to that man. To repent and to be completely honest with yourself your family and your children.

You have travelled only part of the journey back out of your insanity. You still are not thinking straight. example: Do you really want to know why your exh could do no more than a half wave to your daughter in the car with your parents? He probably wanted to vomit or break into tears or show weakness unbecoming to his ideal of a father.

Apart from discussing hcci's post with your family may I humbly suggest 2 things to do.

1) Please go to family counselling for you and your children. You need professionals on this. Well intentioned people on this site working with snippets of information will not solve this. Take your posts and ask a family counsellor for help.

2) Try this exercise in analysis.

Take a piece of paper. Make a column for each time you met your exh over the last 2 years and add one more column.
Leave the first column blank. Label the remaining columns with the heading of the occasion and your exh's behaviour. eg first funeral OK, family dinner quiet but warming and so on.

Then in the free first column make rows and label each row with exh's phases of discovery of your the betrayal.

eg
knew of EA.
knew of PA.
knew of your wish to separate
knew of OM meeting his children.
knew of OM meeting your family

Exercise all the empathy you can and add items to that list. Not what you think what he thinks. Just the betrayals. Oh and add one more for me.
A deathbed revelation from your Uncle.

Now move along the rows for each meeting check what betrayals he knew about at each meeting. Leave it blank if he didn't know and put a ? if you can't answer. Try and find out answers to the ?

You may be able to use that chart to understand better his behaviour. Your exh unlike most BS's has never processed the panic, the hate, the anger.

To end this you are right I wasn't reasonable with your priest. I would have been if he had known the full story. But H-P I bet you didn't introduce OM to the Pastor did you ?

Please know I hesitated about the word insane. But I will leave it. You come across as a very sincere person. You know you made a mistake and you are trying to correct it. Let's just call it insanity.

This probably deserves more editing but you are not my only job.

<small>[ March 21, 2003, 10:20 AM: Message edited by: olderandwiser ]</small>

HCII, Litchfield, Kily, NBMW, Older and Wiser-

Thanks for the replies. I don't have much time now to answer , and weekends are hard for privacy here.

I appreciate your time very much.

Will respond thoroughly later.

HCII- beautiful, and very helpful. Thanks!

Older,
for the record-I did tell the Pastor all about OM. The time frame, where I met him, EVERYTHING. He wasn't judgmental. He's a Pastor, who understands that we ALL sin. He also told me that all sins are the same in God's eyes, as many others believe and of course we've all heard before. To my knowledge, my exH knows nothing about who met OM. ExH doesn't talk about me and this stuff, and people around him wouldn't discuss that sort of thing with him. Mine and ex's ethnic background is one known for its -let's say- reserved manner. We don't talk about 'that stuff'. ExH's family is extremely quiet, and reserved-just as he is.

Thanks again, I'll respond later on.
H_P
PS Kily, I didn't think you were flaming me.

<small>[ March 21, 2003, 06:18 PM: Message edited by: hopeful_person ]</small>

Hi, H_P,

I read your post about your uncle's funeral and I am sorry to hear of his passing.

When my wife left me, I, like many others here, lost not only my wife and my best friend, but my family from her side, too. It is an all too common story; one day the husband (or wife) is going to Christmas parties, birthdays, getting cards, is told "you are one of us, and we love you like one of our own", and the next finds himself out in the cold. Former 'family members' are nearly strangers. He is immediately uninvited to parties, gatherings, family reunions, and the members of his once loyal 'family' may not even remember his name.

I was immediately cut out of the Christmas party and the family reunion, while OM was there with my wife. You say that your ex was very close to this uncle? Well, that made it even harder for him to show up at the funeral, I am sure. This uncles had lunch with you and OM? OUCH!!!!!!!, that must have hurt to the bone for your H!!!!!

Your H was not just hurt, his whole world was killed! He, one day, woke up to find himself in an episode of the Twilight Zone...disorienting is hardly a strong enough word. Up is down, black is white, family are strangers and the urge to vomit is very strong.

This has only gone on for two years with me and my now ex. You were away from your ex for twice as long. Frankly, at the end of four years, my ability to forgive would be seriously strained! FOUR years.....wow.

Now, I think that he should forgive you, marriage is forever and I would forgive you if I were in his shoes. There is a difference between your H, me and jen brown's H. I have been nothing but gracious, loving and kind to my w during this whole process, ok, sometimes I was not too talkative, but she always knew I wanted the best for her; your H sounds like he has been the same way, while jen brown's H has been nothing short of monstrous and her affair lasted for only 3 weeks. 3 weeks vs four years, there is a big difference.

Now I do not mean to sound mean, so if I do, I am sorry. I just want you to PLEASE be VERY patient with your H. You sound like a very sweet and wonderful woman, and I pray that he gives your M another go, as I ask you to pray for my M.

I went to a Catholic prayer site and asked The Blessed Mother to bring me a new Catholic wife. Well, seeing as I am divorced, that could be my ex, and I pray that it is.

God Bless You,
Please let me know if i was too harsh,
all my best
NMW

Notbymywill,
Thanks for your response. I feel a bit like a wimp for having come here on MB and complained about my exH's behavior at the funeral, etc. I was venting, indeed.

You're right, my exH has lost so much. Thanks for reminding me of his complete pain and sense of longing for what was.

Thankfully, my brother and his wife have included exH at many events. I am not invited when he is-things such as SuperBowl, etc. I've invited exH to recent holidays, but he is too angry to attend my family events.

ExH doesn't KNOW who had lunch with whom. (OM and Uncle, etc). They don't talk about things in his family, and he is like this, too.

You then said,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Your H was not just hurt, his whole world was killed! He, one day, woke up to find himself in an episode of the Twilight Zone...disorienting is hardly a strong enough word. Up is down, black is white, family are strangers and the urge to vomit is very strong.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You're right, but one thing. I've asked him to work on things with me since right after DDay. He hasn't wanted to work on anything at all. He'd rather be without me, so to me he's imposed this isolation on himself, at this point.

We were married quite happily for 17 years, before I selfishly started EA with OM. That happy time period has all been erased for him, by him. I did it, of course- by having an affair.

We separated, yes, when the affair was two years old. Divorced two years later. Was a long time, the whole mess of an A. OM was long distant most the time so it didn't seem as long. (lame sounding, I know)

As JL has suggested, I won't let my dream die. I'm just not focusing on it near as much.

Thanks for your support, and I hope things work out in your life.

H_P