ALS-

Sorry but I haven't been following your story as of late. I have been asked by a friend to drop in to your thread.

I don't know where you are at right now in your M so I don't know what to say to you. I will try to read your post here and see what is up so maybe I can throw in my two cents worth.

My FWW and I are slowly struggling through recovery so I don't post here as much as before. If you would like you could email me a update to help bring me up to speed. I was told you were interested in my plan B letter I sent my W. If you send me an email I can send it to you.

Thanks, STTSI. I'll drop you a line.

Actually, if you read the thread here you'll be pretty well caught up, I don't leave much out of my posts.

Glad to hear your recovery is going alright. Sometimes it is best to get away from this place for a while, too.

The way I see it now, I'm basically 2 days away from Plan B. Just so I can feel I gave W enough time to get in touch with me. But there's really no reason for me to continue on with Plan A, I just don't have anything to say to W anymore unless we're talking about reconciliation.

ALS

ALS just sent you an email. Let me know if you didn't get it.

Got the mail, STTSI. Thanks very much. Will reply later.

I wanted to let everyone here know that I HAVE officially (and some of you will say finally) gone into Plan B. The letter has been sent and now I have officially ceased Plan A. We'll see what happens from here, reactions from spouses who are hit with Plan B range from non-response to anger to confusion, so we'll see what happens.

I'll be in NC as best I can, though we will have a few things to sort out, and she may even possibly file or deliver Dv papers to me, so I am prepared for any and all outcomes.

Regardless of what may happen, I was ready to do this, and I certainly feel it was the right decision. If it doesn't help the marriage, that's okay, because I'll know it wasn't meant to be then. I have done as good of a Plan A as I possibly can, given the circumstances of W moving out, and now I will give Plan B some time. Again, considering out situation was almost like PB already, I don't expect a big change, but there's always a chance. We'll see.

All for now.

ALS

ALS-

I know this was a hard decision to make....you're doing the right thing.

I'm here if you need a shoulder...

Her PB letter response:

"I would like to come and get all of my stuff then. Please let me know when I can do so."

That was fast. Guess she doesn't need any time to think about it. Oh well.

ALS

DON'T ANSWER HER!!!

She's trying to bait you into contact. Talk to Cerri. Figure out how to approach this. My bet- send her her stuff in the mail. NO CONTCAT!!!

Already too late, Kily.

Talked to Cerri and we decided that she had to come get her stuff, I will just stay out of the way. There's WAY too much stuff left to send in the mail (some stuff is too big to even fit in her car).

So while it wasn't Cerri's first choice, or mine, we figured that letting her come get all her stuff right away is best.

I figured this would happen, as there are still loose ends that will need to be tied up (car insurance is next).

At some point, we may finally get to NC, but that may not be unless Dv papers are filed!

And I really don't think she wants contact with me, I think she is finished and this was the excuse she was needing to end it. But if that's so, that's okay, as I don't think anything else I could have done would have changed her mind.

So my response was a simple: "You can come get all your things tonight or next week."

That was it.

ALS

ALS-

Cerri knows what she's doing. It sounds like you have a plan so that's good.

How are YOU doing?

Feeling a little bummed. Everything I was afraid would happen by going to Plan B happened almost immediately.

I just got this in response:

---
I will come tonight.

I am going to finish the paperwork and we can get together and sign it sometime.
---

So now I have just caused her to totally get the rest of her stuff and go ahead with the divorce.

Sigh.

ALS

ALS-

Be patient....wait and see.....

She is reacting, RAGING inside, and basically throwing a temper tanrum because she is no longer getting her way. She wants to lash out and hurt you. Very normal response.

Bright side...she is NOT bringing those papers with her TONIGHT!!! If she wanted it DONE, they would be in her hands...

Perhaps it is, but actions speak louder than words. I'm sorry that you are bummed. I promise you that this pain will go away and you will see the good in life again REAL soon...

<small>[ May 01, 2003, 12:47 PM: Message edited by: kily ]</small>

ALS- Do you really want the Dv or is it just her???? It sounds lke you still don't want the Dv. If that is the case than why not stall? She can file but you don't have to respond right away. Maybe talk to your lawyer and see how long you can stall and what your tactics might be.

Of course she wants her stuff right now. She is upset about getting the letter and she is taking out her anger towards you by hurting your feelings more. When she comes to get her stuff have some friends or family around to make sure everything stays civil. After she gets her stuff, than go dark for some time. Stall the divorce and move on with your life. She might come back and she might not, either way you are a better man for what you have learned.

When I sent my PB letter my W was pissed and she did her best to get even with me in any way possible. I couldn't handle PB and I tried to contact her and she ignored me at every attempt. Finally I learned how to move on and I felt like a human again. Let you W get her stuff than move on with your life.

This will take a strong man, but I know you can do it. We are always here for you.

Hey, thanks for the support at this tough time.

Kily -- I think you have a great point there. It was pretty sudden, and this certainly is a knee-jerk reaction if I ever saw one. She barely read the PB letter and she was already immediately hitting me back with a response. And it does seem she is lashing back with the tools she has, those being the divorce papers and taking away her stuff. I'm sure she knows that those tactics will upset me and thus is hitting me right where it hurts immediately.

Well she did say "finish the paperwork" so maybe it's just that it's not ready. Or it could be another threat as well, or something to cause a reaction. Sure. Right now, I'm trying to decide if I should respond again with something like "If that's what you want" or just leaving it alone. Also, I'm going to be a little late getting home tonight, I am wondering if I should let her know that or just make her wait if I am late.

Anyway, thanks Kily. This is a tough thing for me to have to deal with and you know that, but it helps to hear the words of support. And I know I will get through it.

STTSI -- I'm not sure if I'd EVER want the divorce, that's the problem. But at some point I need to stop being the guy that refuses to let go, and realize that this is a girl who in just one year of marriage managed to cheat on me, and who in the past six months of my Plan A has not once shown any sign at all of turning back home. There must come a time where I recognize this and let go.

We will not be using lawyers. We have nothing to contest at all. It will be no-fault therefore to do that, it must be mutual, and we must file together. That is why she has waited.

Things will be very civil tonight, I will make sure of that. I'm not sure how helpful I should be (do I help her pack or carry boxes?) or if I should just disappear. I don't want the leave the house totally, she may want to snoop around my things and I don't want to risk that, with all the MB stuff I have on the computer. So I will be around, but to what degree I am not sure right now.

I will move on, no problems there. And I will also sign the divorce papers if she brings them. I have no reason to stall it. Nothing has changed. There's a 3 month period it takes for the Dv to be finalized after you file in this state, during that time I will be in NC. If it comes to pass, then I'll know she didn't change her mind. 3 months is enough time for me anyway.

I will get through it one way or another. It's sad but it's also necessary that I take these steps so I can get on with my life.

Thanks.

ALS

ALS-

I highly recommend NOT being there. She is on the WARPATH and will DO anything to incite you. You being civil and even tempered will only enrage her more.
Your emotions are running high too and I think it wouldn't be in YOUR best interest to deal with the emotional trauma.

I'm sending you a cyber hug...I feel for you.

Thanks, Kily.

I'm not sure really what to do. I have to at least be there to let her in, she has no key, unless I unlock the door and leave, and send her a note telling her to let herself in, that's about as far as I can go. That is certainly an option, maybe I will write her and say "I won't be home tonight, just let yourself in and get what you need."

What's everyone think of that? Perhaps that is best.

ALS:

It's pretty clear she is reacting to your Plan B letter. Cerri is right when she says let her come and get her stuff. Be there, let her in, remove yourself to another part of the house by yourself and let her do her thing. If she tries to engage you in discussion, just remind her of everything you said in your letter: this is her choice, you still love her and haven't given up hope, however in good consience you cannot continue with Plan A while she is with OM. Repeat as many times as necessary until she leaves.

If she brings papers.....do not sign (unless you agree that you want D). Again, tell her this is her choice, and she needs to have you served. Your WS needs to accept responsibility for her choice and follow through on her own. Under no circumstances enable her.

As you know, my WS pulled a similar stunt. I even had him served. When he didn't sign the papers and send them back, I dropped everything and told him if he wanted a D he would have initiate it on his own since it was not what I wanted. After a 1 year separation, he's home now and we're doing well. We've even learned to agree to disagree with each other without any hard feelings.

Hang in there.

Good insights and advice here, ALS.... hope you're hanging onto the hugs everyone is sending you. Including mine...

{{{{ALS}}}}

You're doing the right thing...be strong.

C

So now I have just caused her to totally get the rest of her stuff and go ahead with the divorce.

Uhm, no. Actually she caused it by having an A. You are only doing what you need to do to protect yourself and whatever love you have for her. I (and I'm sure I'm not alone here) have noticed you becoming rather ambivelent about the whole situation. We can see that just reading what you wrote in your last post. I think you did the right thing. Don't waste your time second guessing yourself, it'll only bring you down.

I will get through it one way or another. It's sad but it's also necessary that I take these steps so I can get on with my life.

Exactly. Couldn't have said better myself. She is mad because she is being forced to face actual consequences of her actions. You are the first (and probably only) target of her anger right now. My W was furiouse anytime I did something to kill the A. Confronting the OM was probably the backbreaker of the A, and brought the worst backlash on her part towards me. She actually told me she wanted to spit in my face!! But in the end, you see where we are now, 7 mos into recovery. Best to you pal.

MTD

Sending out the love, my brother.

First off, thank you ALL for the support and care during this time. You're the BEST. Cerri and whippit, thanks for the concern and hugs, they are being held onto and most appreciated.

I actually have a report on things from tonight, that will come next, not much happened (I didn't see W at all) but I have thought about some stuff that I'd love to run by you all.

And yes, despite what's happened, this was the right thing. It's sad to see her react this way, but it was time for me to do this. No question about it, it was Plan B time for ME and I don't regret sending that letter today, not one bit, or anything I said in it.

Faith, great to see you again. Thank you for taking the time to again chime in. The more I think about it, all of this is her immediate reaction to the PB letter, and the contents have to be what triggered it. More on that in my next post. But I think you're right on target. And you'll see I also managed to avoid seeing my W at all tonight, which I think was the right call.

As for D and papers, you're right on there as well, I don't take them lightly. I think right now W likes to hold the threat of them over my head whenever she feels backed into a corner or that I am standing up for myself. That is her defense reaction. I still won't be surprised to see them in the mail or on my doorstep one day, but for now I am back into NC and don't plan to discuss the matter with her at all.

MTD -- I always love your posts to me, you don't sugar coat anything and I admire that. Thanks for that. Always tell it like it is!

You're right, I didn't cause this divorce. The A is what the intial cause is. I guess I'll I'm saying is that the PB triggered her to speed up the process again, instead of fence sit. But if Dv was the end result anyway, better to know now than let it drag on forever. It will be interesting to see if the dynamic between her and OM changes, if she gives any thought to what I have said or done. Of course I won't know that, but I can wonder.

You're right, I have been becoming more ambivalent. No question about it. Which is why I had to go to Plan B. I am becoming more comfortable being on my own, more confident, and at the same time detaching from W and realizing that I can survive a divorce. And yes, sometimes even thinking I am better off without her. I know, perish the thought! But yeah, what you have observed is true. I'd still love to save my marriage, but I no longer see it as crucial as it once was.

Well MTD, you had a much shorter period between D-Day and recovery, which is great...So you didn't have to deal with this for very long, I am thankful you didn't have to go through all of this! But yeah, I do see these reactions of hers as anger, and I think that's why it was good I wasn't home tonight. First time I let her alone in the house since D-Day but I was comfortable with it.

More in a bit! Thanks everyone, you are all very good friends and very appreciated.

ALS