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<small>[ June 05, 2003, 12:34 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Ack, I really need help now! Cerri! Help!

I am considering contacting W today (or letting her call) and seriously

I just found a website that will prepare Dv papers for me and while of course it'll cost me like $80 they will be correct -- But I need to get a date from W if I am going to do this, and I'd like to really actually get these signed early next week now (and file the same day).

I know this might seem sort of like a total change of pace here but I dunno, I can still PB after these are filed for 90 days.

Sure, I could probably sign something indicating that she married me in good faith, or she may even be able to fight being deported, but why should I make this easy for her by letting her slide past the 2 year mark?

I need help! What do I do?

ALS

<small>[ June 05, 2003, 01:42 PM: Message edited by: ALostSoul ]</small>

As I said before, I don't beleive retaliating against her with immigration will be emotionally good for you in the long run. BUT it's your call, and if you do decide to retaliate, then you may want to contact BCIS(Bureau of Citizenship and Immigration Services) to inform them of your coming divorce and find out firt hand what the outcome for your stbxw will be. If I were you, I would hold off on doing anything legally against your W until Cerri gives you her insight.

It could backfire and she could Marry OM to protect her "status". I don't know how THAT would work, but it is a possibility.

Ok, I would do it, in a heartbeat. Call the INS. Sign the papers.

I really doubt that it's a coincidence that she couldn't meet with you before that date.... particularly as it appears that she is not out of town but very much available.

At this point, I would rethink giving her a car that was yours in the first place, but that's my confrontational side coming out.... I don't like being played with.

C

I remember it was impossible to get immigration on the phone regardign questions when we were tyring to adjust her status, anyone know an easy way to get through to them? Or is it different for each state? I should at least ask the question before I go to any trouble.

I know this is probably just anger and a desire to retaliate. But I am sort of angry right now. Because I think my W has been stringing me along, NOT delaying this Dv out of indecision, but just because she knew she had to coast past the 2 year marriage mark. That is just DECEITFUL.

So really, maybe I should call her bluff if she is suddenly now so ready to go, speed up the process a bit, and watch her 2 year plan backfire on her.

ALS

ALS:

I don't believe she's thought of this possibility. If she knew about it, why would she be trying 2 contact you so much? It would be a LOT smarter 2 keep her mouth shut until the deadline passes.

Also, do you want 2 do anything about it anyway? Do you really need 2 be vindictive? If her R with her OM is really going 2 make her happy (hard 2 imagine, but it's remotely possible), don't you want her 2 have the chance 2 find out if she truly can be happy, rather than punish her? ...after all, she's going 2 be doing plenty of that herself in the years 2 come. And if she finds out on her own that this behavior won't make her happy, it'll be far more valuable a lesson than if you'd "forced" it on her.

-2long.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cerri:
<strong>Ok, I would do it, in a heartbeat. Call the INS. Sign the papers.

I really doubt that it's a coincidence that she couldn't meet with you before that date.... particularly as it appears that she is not out of town but very much available.

At this point, I would rethink giving her a car that was yours in the first place, but that's my confrontational side coming out.... I don't like being played with.

C</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wowsers! that was a quick reply.

Here's The BCIS internet home page in case you want to go that route.

2long, that is true as well. I need to calm down. But don't underestimate her, either, I know she was looking at divorce law and immigration stuff soon after she moved out. She told me. One of the things I threatened when I was LBing after D-Day was deportation so I know she must have looked that up since.

Who knows what she's up to. I don't mean to seem vindictive, but you know what, I don't want her to be happy with OM -- Sure she can be happy, but not with that guy. I'm sorry, I guess I don't love her enough because I don't want to see her continue a relationship with him.

I just thought it'd be interesting to see how they handle going through all the immigration issues she and I had to go through, all the time and money I spent on it. I guess I am just feeling very resentful with this new info, now realizing that she may have cleverly just waited this out so she'd have no immigration issues.

That does irritate me, yeah.

ALS

Dear ALS:

What does her residency status matter in the big scheme of life? This is all about you and your recovery. I think from what I know about you from this forum ten years from now you will not be proud of your actions if you rush this just to get her deported. Can you honestly say to yourself you will feel good about this 10 years from now?

Let your W keep building the bad Karma. You start building your life.

Do what you need to, but this is just my very humble opinion.

Peace ALS

JAck

What Jack said.

It's not revenge, it's natural consequences. If she played this to the last minute just to stay in the country, she should be deported. It's about time this girl got a clue that her actions have consequences.... something that has not happened up to this point. It is not ok to screw with someone else's life and then to walk away.

To drag ALS through this to stay in the country so she can stay with OM? Ugh....

<small>[ June 05, 2003, 01:08 PM: Message edited by: cerri ]</small>

Cerri:

I agree. I just think ALS needs 2 be careful with his motives.

If he truly can do this with the motive of helping her help herself, then great. But if he looks back on this 10 years from now with regret or gloating, then it would have been the wrong thing 2 have done.

-2long

ALS-

I think I understand Cerri's motivation here but I've had some personal experience dealing with INS. Let me tell you, don't necessarily expect quick action or responses from them. They have been swamped with work since 9/11/01. I've been involved in situations where illegal immigrants were arrested for using false id's and the INS never took deportation action and those charged were released from jail. I really doubt that a situation in the case of a marriage break-up is going to shake them up very much. I don't believe this strategy will result in a quick outcome, like say in 90 days. I'm not saying don't go through with it, but just be realistic in your expectations.

HoFS

Guys -

I have to tend to agree with Cerri on this one. See we've both been the WS. We know how manipulative and selfish this mindset can be. There is no doubt in my mind that she manipulated this situation for her own personal gain. I truly believe that she knew what she was doing.

ALS has a chance to walk away from a situation with dignity. See, she as taken everything and run with it. In her mind, she did nothing wrong. She gets away scott free, with her residnecy handed to her on a silver platter....All at ALS's expense.

If she were fighting for the house, you would say fight. Right? In the end, she USED him to get residency. What would he gain by challenging this? Some self respect. He stopped her from using him.

If she loves him, she will come out of the fog, even if he sets the process in motion to investigate her actions. If she wants to be in the country, let her find her own way...at her own expense.

JMHO.

consequences? yes. natural consequences? no. the moment als begins put something in motion with the intent of beating a deadline to remove his w's residency status, the natural-ness is gone. now if he decides with a clear heart and mind and happens to beat the deadline, then so be it. the consequences are as natural as a bear's activity in the woods.

i agree that if w acted the way she did to ensure her residency status, then she should be deported. it's shameful how she's acted all along and this is just another example. i agree with jack for the simple reason that she will be rewarded accordingly.

in the end i trust that als will make the best decision he knows how to make, because he's done that time and again. we may not always agree with him, but he's a smart guy who measures his options against his feelings rather well.

now go get 'em, tiger!

ALS,

Let's see. You are mad. You feel your W used you to get papers in this country. You want revenge on OM and W. You don't want their relationship to work. You MIGHT want your marriage to work, but only IF she is serious.

Have I got this about right?

Ok, so let me go down this list again.

You feel you were used to get papers in this country.

Perhaps you were, but you can understand that even if you weren't she may not want that hanging over her head. She knows she has done you wrong even if she won't admit it.

You want revenge on OM and W, particularly OM.

Well for that you have to do nothing. IN fact doing nothing or being loving will make the revenge sweeter. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> All you have to do is enjoy your life and let OM deal with your W and her issues. The chances of them having a succcessful relationship and marriage is well under 5% and that will only come AFTER she deals with the abortion, her treatment of you, and the fact that OM is a man that values marriage little or has been so lied to about you that when the lies come to the surface he will be in your situation.

So revenge is a no brainer, quit worrying about it.

You don't want their relationship to work.

See comments above, that will come as part of the revenge factor.

You MIGHT want your marriage to work, but only IF she is serious.

Then, spend the $50 bucks or so and file for divorce. Take the wind out of her sails. Have it done and ready and call her to come talk. Hand the papers and say Goodbye. Now this will relieve her greatly and she will run off with OM, to start their own revenge on themselves. Or it might shock her. It will also start the clock running on the immigration issue if there really is one. You will find out later if that is an issue or not. She wants to go home, and Canada is a really nice place, so you won't be hurting her if it forces her home.

Do this work, agree with her, take the wind out of her sails, and see what happens. The worst that can happen is your marriage is over and you get on with your life. The best is that she sees things differently and she changes her view of you. I doubt very much that the latter will happen, but you never know. But, it is clear she has little respect for you, and it is clear she is so young that she really doesn't fully understand what she has done.

You can be a victim for the rest of your life over this, OR you can move in proactive directions. You have been proactive in trying to save your marriage. You should continue this to the next level and make one last try while also setting the stage for you to move on.

What you really need to see here is this is really her call all of the way. You can fight, you can go along, you can stick you head in the sand, but it won't make too much difference, it is her call.

So you get my not so MB suggestion. Fill out the paper work, call her, get together and give her what she wants, and then go dark.

God Bless,

JL

Hi everyone,

Thanks for the flurry of replies. My head is swimming right now.

I am now pretty much positive that my W at some point has learned that she needs to be married for me for 2 years before the divorce goes through, and she has very deviously waited just long enough to use me for that one final last thing she can take from me, her ability to stay in the U.S.

Chances are she will make this 2 year period now, so be it, my fault for not realizing it sooner, and all things considered, even if she didn't make it, it's likely she wouldn't have had much trouble staying here anyway.

But, the bottom line that a few here have summed up is this: I feel VERY used now. Not only was I cheated on, and treated like dirt, but now I find out that the past few months have been stalling tactics for her to wait JUST LONG ENOUGH to get this divorce. Cerri spelled it out best for me: W was around this week, obviously, yet suspiciously could NOT get together to sign anything until this Monday. The 9th. Just so happens that is 90 days BEFORE our 2nd wedding anniversary. Well played, W. I feel so manipulated. She wanted out, but not out bad enough to lose her residency here. That is just UNFAIR. I honestly don't think she'll have any problems staying in the country, even if she hadn't made the 2 year mark, but I certainly see no reason to stall things any longer.

I have contacted her and told her I would like the papers as soon as possible. And I will sign them over to her tomorrow or next week, and I'd also like to go to court and file them the same day they are signed. Then I can go completely dark. Finally. Cerri told me to ask W about doing the papers today or tomorrow, but she assumes W won't be able to until next week, then I will KNOW that her plan was to wait all this time.

I am still considering doing my own papers just to make sure they are correct and there are no issues with the filing, but that will cost me $$. But I may do this anyway. Not sure what difference it makes in who creates the papers, but the place I found has an interactive service that ensures you don't make mistakes. So I'd be sure that the documents would be accepted in court.

ALS

<small>[ June 05, 2003, 01:38 PM: Message edited by: ALostSoul ]</small>

ALS-

I'm feeling VERY sad for you right now. I'm sorry it came to this. I only hope that you can get to closure with this quickly.

Then your healing can truly begin.

So many people here love you, including me. You aren't alone and we are here for you.