I actually smile a little at what you say, because it sure sounds like you see the whole picture in some ways very clear.

You are right, maybe just different roller coasters. Mine has a strange section where the ride actually stops and blasts backwards for a little bit. I have been trying to work that bug out.

This is the toughest thing to go through. I will one minute be thinking about how much I want her, to love and to hold. Then the feelings of how she acts with the OM set in and I feel like 2nd place to her. It is like you try and try and try to see a light at the end of the tunnel and perhaps when you actually see a flicker, you get that "holy crap" feeling. I can't believe I have to try so hard to make this work.

What if my W really does love the OM? Then can I possibly expect her to just loose those feelings for him and gain them for me? I guess I understand that she can do whatever she wants to do, but that might be a lot to ask for.

Thanks,
K

K

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is like you try and try and try to see a light at the end of the tunnel and perhaps when you actually see a flicker, you get that "holy crap" feeling. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know that feeling. It's one when you think that it all is starting to fall into place and that you might have a chance.

Then it hits you. He might want to work on it and you're scared because you don't know WHAT to feel about that.

You're confused because all you've focused on was that constant desire to fix it, all the time believing that it was a hopeless cause.

When the tide changes, you're scared cause you don't know what is real and what is fiction...

I felt this when I thought I saw him peeking in on my thread.

((((((((((ALS))))))))))....cyber hugs from me and the lovely Mrs. Rohde. Wish I had something to say that would make you feel better, but I guess I know better. I think you've gotten some really great feedback though. Just don't let this experience leave you bitter, OK. You have already shown I think that you have what it takes to make a future Mrs. ALS very happy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . So keep your chin up, you get what you put in, even if it doens't come right away.

MTD

K and Kily -

Oh, I totally know where you're coming from. Even though I never have been close to recovery as you two have, I have often speculated on how I'd feel if suddenly there was some sort of hope from W regarding recovery. I'm sure my initial feeling would be excitement, followed almost right away by worry and uncertainty.

Not becuase I wouldn't want her back -- I know it would be hard, but I also know I have the tools and the knowledge and the patience to do it -- But I do realize what a BIG change it would be. Face it, myself included, some of us here have pretty much convinced ourselves that our significant others aren't coming back. I hate to admit total defeat, and I may never do that, at least not until divorce, but I'd probably only give it like a 2% chance.

But if that 2% chance turned into reality, it sure would be a huge change. After spending 8 months just trying to get her to consider coming home, shifting gears to try and work out a recovery and welcome her back into my life would be a scary process. But hey, I'm game. Just wish I had a chance to test it.

ALS

ALS-

You need to change your sig line---->

You're 30 now! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

How do you think you would feel if say, the OM talked your wife into giving the marriage a try, because he was up on the fact that A's normally don't end with good results for the OM and your W.

That is what I am thinking is happenning on my end. So I basically end up thinking that she is only trying to figure out how her and I can work, so that the OM and her won't have the odds against them if and when things go bad for her and I. I am fearful that whenever things are a little tough, she won't be as commited as I think she should be and will just.... Oh the roller coaster of thought. It is hard not to think of the what if's and what you are seeing and what is actual reality.

K

Well they always say to believe half of what you hear and none of what you see.

As far as the OM, if he is trying to convince her to come back to you and make the marriage work, maybe it's because their relationship is losing its luster. Ever think of that? It could happen. I mean it depends a lot on the OM too. If their relationship ends, it doesn't really matter who ends it, so long as you are a better person that when it started. Your W will see those changes and realize that she has a good guy in you. So I would see all of those things as positive.

ALS

Funny - I had the same thoughts ALS. My gut said that he's trying to step out of the R and this is an excuse that makes him look like a good guy. This way he doesn't hurt your W and he isn't to blame because he was doing the "right" thing.

He's a creep....

but, it is YOUR chance to win her over. She needs to agree to NC. Once that happens and she is ture to that, things will start to happen.

My ideal situation (ha, isn't that a nice thought), would for my W to see things for herself, not because the other guy thinks it would be best. Oh bless his heart.....

VCS-

Your ideal situation is to break them up any way you can.....

Once he goes...establish rules in order for her to come back to you. N/C means N/C!

That is the only way. Once she goes through withdrawl, she'll see things differently.

My goodness - I almost fell to the THIRD page. Is that a sign of the apocalypse?

ALS

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ALostSoul:
My goodness - I almost fell to the THIRD page. Is that a sign of the apocalypse?

ALS</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">not sure. but it is unacceptable.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by whippit:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ALostSoul:
My goodness - I almost fell to the THIRD page. Is that a sign of the apocalypse?

ALS</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">not sure. but it is unacceptable.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thats right. I always look for this thread when I'm on and would have had trouble finding it on pg 3 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hey all, happy Monday to ya.

Been feeling sort of strange lately.

I didn't have a lot of plans this weekend, aside from a concert I went to with some friends on Friday night. Well, a guy and his girlfriend (so again, I was the proverbial "third wheel" but they are very welcoming, I never feel that way with them and they genuinely enjoy my company). However, they left to drive back home as they live far away, and I decided to just hang around downtown a bit alone for a while and have a couple drinks at the bars. Not drinking myself silly or anything mind you, just a beer or two, I guess I was just feeling lonely and wanted to be around people.

For the rest of the weekend, which I thought was going to be rough since I had no plans or anyone to hang out with, I stuck around the house mostly and worked on a few hobbies of mine. Went out shopping on Sunday for a bit also. But the weekend went by rather quickly, and I was able to have fun just being with myself. I still get lonely at times a bit, find myself talking out loud to no one or wishing I had company, but it's getting better.

But I guess the weird feeling I'm having today is this -- I'm starting to feel silly. I'm feeling silly for thinking that W was ever going to come back, and I'm feeling REALLY crazy for sitting here even thinking she still might stop the divorce and decide to come home. I'm feeling like I am just kidding myself to have any hopes of that at all. Sort of like I'm setting myself up for further disappointment. I think I need to get to a point where I'm resolved to the fact that my W never wanted to come home since she left, it was an "exit affair" to get her out of my life and out of the marriage commitment, and that she IS content without me in her life.

I guess I sort of feel like a fool for ever having hope. It's not a depressing feeling really, generally I have been feeling sort of numb towards the whole situation lately. Just an observation.

I'm not really sure what it means, if anything.

ALS

Yeah, it's in the script too. Sorry you're having such a tough time. Ever thought about getting a pet.... besides the fish? Then you can talk to the pet and not feel quite so much like you're losing it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Plan B really needs to be about moving on and taking care of you. Are you doing that? It truly is the letting go stage. And the grieving.

Find a new hobby or take up one you've let slide. And no, hanging out at the bars doesn't count. A really good thing to do is to volunteer. It's very healing to help others who are struggling in one way or another. Animal shelter, homeless shelter, battered women's shelter, big brothers, there's a lot out there.

Whether or not she comes back this is time for you to continue to grow and to become the person that is waiting to bloom.

{{{{ALS}}}}}

C

i agree with the volunteering. big brothers and/or the boys club are always looking for great people (as i'm sure lots of places are).

pets are good, too. my dog has been an awesome friend over the last year. excellent listener. she cried when i cried. made me feel welcome whenever i walked thru the door. picked me up when i felt like crap. maybe you could go to your local humane society (it's called the dumb friends league here) and adopt an adult dog. they're good for the soul, you know.

Hey wow, posts! Thanks Cerri, thanks whippit.

So Cerri, I am actually going by a script as well, 'eh? I never thought of it that way. That there's a BS script as well as a WS script. I guess my W and I are both up for academy awards this year.

You know what's weird about what you guys are saying...About Plan B I mean...I don't feel like I'm doing anything differently since W moved out really. Except not making any efforts to talk to her anymore, of course, my life has been the same.

Since she left, I've kept busy. Spent weekends with plans with friends and family. Gone out place. Visited places. Had friends and family over at the house for the weekend. Worked on home improvements. Cleaned the house. Watched some TV. Played some video games. Bought myself some nice things.

But then again, all that stuff, which I believe falls into the "taking care of me" stage of things, I've been doing from the start. I'm not sure what else I can be doing, but I think I am just going to need to allow father time to work his magic on me and slowly heal the hurt I have that's remaining.

Volunteering isn't a bad idea. It's not that I don't want to help others but I have so much to occupy myself at home, chores I keep putting off, etc, that I could be working on. But maybe the interaction with others is what I need.

The dog concept is one I've toyed with myself over the past months. Weighing the options there. I would love the companionship. I would probably struggle with the actual training, the mess, and most of all, the sort of constant care (not being able to leave the house for a long time, no weekend vacations, etc). Though I could likely overcome that. It would be a big adjustment though. I do love animals for sure. So I consider that often.

I can say this, and I've sort of noticed a pattern -- The longer I go without contact with W, the stronger I get. For some reason, the week before and week after I know I have had to have contact with her have been the worst. I think it's just because seeing her and talking to her is a physical reminder that I don't have her anymore. I don't have to see the cause of my hurt up close. Out of sight, out of mind, if you will.

But if that's the case, as it seems to be with me, doesn't that perhaps work the same way for her? Does not having to see me make it easier for her to forget me, to be happy with OM, to be happy in her new life? Contrary to a lot of the Plan B mentality which says a WS will grow to miss their spouse, perhaps this is also time THEY use to let go, also.

ALS

<small>[ July 01, 2003, 07:21 AM: Message edited by: ALostSoul ]</small>

ALS-

You can avoid ALL of those issues by going to a dog rescue and getting one that is a late adolescent, young adult, or an abandoned older one. There are plenty of abandoened animals out there needing love. How much more appropriate would that be in your situation? You need love, you're feeling abandoned...sounds like a match made in heaven to me....

Or you could get a cat..... you can leave it for the weekend with a clean litter box and a big dish of food and water. Don't have to walk or train it and it won't chew your shoes. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

At the risk or repeating myself <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> PLAN B IS ABOUT YOU!! It's not about the WS, not about waking them up, making them smell the coffee, punishing, teaching them a lesson, or even having them miss you. It's about removing you from the every day pain of having to deal with the A. You're supposed to feel stronger and to move on.

Certainly she isn't feeling the guilt of having to see you. And some of your good changes are being forgotten.... but so are the bad times. Memory tends to blur and soften all the edges. But as we talked about, now her issues are hers. She can't blame you for the depression or for things not going her way. And now he needs to meet all her needs and be there for her in her uglier moments. He can be the fall guy when she's not happy. At some point her brain will begin to make comparisons that don't show him in the best of lights. It's human nature.

Plan A is about the WS.... it's a negotiating strategy to entice her/him to leave the affair partner. The hope is that you introduce enough conflict into the A by confronting and exposing and that you show that you can be the spouse s/he's always wanted so that when the A ends (which most do) you will be an attractive option.

That's why it's essential to do a PBL that states you want to stay married but that the A is too painful and that the door is open when it ends. It's like a future trigger that hopefully the WS will recall when the A is over.

For this to be a real Plan B.... i.e. protecting you, you need to let go. Not of hope but of the desire to rehash and rethink and wonder and think about. Take care of you and put her on the back burner. Turned down to "low." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

C

Kily --

Yeah, I thought of that...A grown dog is definitely less work than a puppy, but still work all the same. The benefits of the companionship would probably outweigh the other stuff, I just need to take that leap of faith. But with any dog, you still need to basically be at home twice a day, never gone overnight, to let the dog out, walk it, etc.

Ironically, W really liked pets and I never had any growing up. I am allergic to cats (more on that next post to Cerri) but I bought W a cat anyway just before we got married. She took the cat with her when she moved out and I do miss the cat. But she always wanted a dog too and I was afraid to take that next step, I guess I just didn't want a house full of pets (but that's what she had growing up, like 6 or 7 pets in her house, so that's what she was used to and wanted). Ironically, now that she's gone, I find myself wanting pets more than when she was here.

ALS