I guess what I have to say about Plan B is this: As much as I know it's about me, and moving on, and putting the affair in the past, forgetting about W, forgetting about OM, that becomes easier said than done sometimes. I realize exactly what I am SUPPOSED to do in Plan B, but sometimes my brain just doesn't let me implement it.

Keeping busy helps. Finding things to occupy my mind, recreational stuff, just generally being active, all that stuff DOES put me in a Plan B mentality. I find also that just time spent away from anything involving W helps, too. For example, when I need to sign a divorce document, or see/talk to W, it all comes flooding back. I realize all of these things are obstacles in my Plan B, but sometimes, as much as I'd like to avoid them, I can't. And some days, as much as I'd like to totally forget about my W and her affair, I can't.

I think, like anything else, time will help this. I remember back in October when this all started. The affair consumed me. Every waking moment of my day, I thought of W, of OM, of what was happening to my marriage. It was in the forefront and it was all I thought about. And even today, 8 months later, I'm still consumed by it at times. But it's not nearly as often, in fact, some days it's hardly a factor at all. But it's also something that I need to realize I can't just snap my fingers and make go away.

I appreciate what you are saying about letting go and what that means. As strange as it sounds, I think I may have an easier time letting go of hope than of rehashing and rethinking. But seeing you write this, it makes sense. It's weird, I KNOW that thinking of the past and what could or could not have been won't change anything, but I do it anyway.

Did I ever tell you that in our big conversation from March, W admitted to me that she has a problem not letting go of the past, and always rethinking her choices and possible changes or differences? She was even trying to read a book about working on that. Now I'm not sure if that statement came from regret over the A, or regret over getting married to start with, or what...But it's funny, she and I are a lot alike in that we tend to live in the past and the "what if" scenarios rather than focus on the present or the future.

More in a bit...Still gotta talk about a cat, her depression, some infidelity stuff I've seen on TV lately, and more. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

ALS

By the way, Cerri, you remembered that I have fish? Amazing how you catalog all that stuff.

Or you could get a cat..... you can leave it for the weekend with a clean litter box and a big dish of food and water.

A cat is a good idea, if I am willing to deal with the allergy issues again. Other than that, the cat was pretty low maintenance, the occasional litter emptying, claw cutting, and the like aside, I really enjoyed the cat. She was my pal. I missed that cat after W moved out. I remember the cat was a great comfort and then a week after W moved out, she came for the cat. Some of you may recall I was posting here at the time.

PLAN B IS ABOUT YOU!! It's not about the WS, not about waking them up, making them smell the coffee, punishing, teaching them a lesson, or even having them miss you. It's about removing you from the every day pain of having to deal with the A. You're supposed to feel stronger and to move on.

I have removed myself as much as possible, but really C, you must admit I've been pretty much removed from this from the start. Contact has been little to none, and really only when she wanted something from me. So it's really all about getting it out of my HEAD and that's what I can't seem to control. I want to feel stronger. I want to move on. I just don't know how to do that other than to just keep living my life and hoping the hurt fades.

Certainly she isn't feeling the guilt of having to see you. And some of your good changes are being forgotten.... but so are the bad times. Memory tends to blur and soften all the edges.

I hope so, I mean she hardly gave me the floor enough post D-Day to see any of my good changes. In fact, she saw me reading His Needs, Her Needs within a few days of D-Day and didn't even care.

But as we talked about, now her issues are hers. She can't blame you for the depression or for things not going her way. And now he needs to meet all her needs and be there for her in her uglier moments. He can be the fall guy when she's not happy. At some point her brain will begin to make comparisons that don't show him in the best of lights. It's human nature.

For this I am thankful. Really, when I let go of the rope last month and filed, that should have marked the day that her ability to blame me stopped. It's been a month since then. Any depression or sadness she has been hit with since then can no longer be placed on my shoulders. She or OM have to deal with it all. I have not put up one moment of resistance since then.

That's why it's essential to do a PBL that states you want to stay married but that the A is too painful and that the door is open when it ends. It's like a future trigger that hopefully the WS will recall when the A is over.

I often do wonder what her reaction would be to me if her A just totally ended. If OM was out of the picture...Left her, she left him, etc. Would she want to come home but refuse out of guilt or shame? Would she take that step? I may never find out.

For this to be a real Plan B.... i.e. protecting you, you need to let go. Not of hope but of the desire to rehash and rethink and wonder and think about. Take care of you and put her on the back burner. Turned down to "low."

That is the best advice, again. I need to try and stop rehashing. It didn't help that I found a few emails I printed out right around D-Day, saved them in case I needed them at some point. After divorce I will destroy them. I was moving my desk around at work and they showed up in a pile of papers. I should share a few of the contents with you sometime though, you have never seen them and I forgot about what they said since they hurt so much. I really only read them once. Funny how I still got that sick feeling seeing them all these months later though.

But anyway, that aside, I have been doing as much as I can to put her out of my mind. It works a lot of times, but I have an active mind, too. As much as I'd love to just erase it all to be able to move on, some days I just can't. But I think I am slowly improving, overall.

ALS

]By the way, Cerri, you remembered that I have fish? Amazing how you catalog all that stuff.

I know, it's scary the things I remember, just ask P. But the really frightening thing is that I remember all the odd bits and pieces and can't for the life of me find my shoes or my jacket most of the time. If I was older I could be eccentric, now, I'm just plain odd. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

A cat is a good idea, if I am willing to deal with the allergy issues again.

You might try a long haired cat if the one you had before was short or vice versa. A friend of mine whose hubby was a vet told me that some people are sensitive to only one or the other. Worth a try anyway. We're a cat family.... 2 black cats (go figure <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) and one orange one..... well 3/4 of an orange one.... he's missing a leg.

So it's really all about getting it out of my HEAD and that's what I can't seem to control. I want to feel stronger. I want to move on. I just don't know how to do that other than to just keep living my life and hoping the hurt fades.

At the risk of sounding like I'm trying to get rid of you (I'M NOT!!! ) you might think about how posting here keeps it alive and active in your head?

In fact, she saw me reading His Needs, Her Needs within a few days of D-Day and didn't even care.

<sigh> ALS!!!!! You do not know how she felt!!! You only know what she presented to you. Whether or not she cared is not something you can say with any authority.

I have not put up one moment of resistance since then.

And that I think is a good thing. Any conflict she has now falls on his shoulders.

I really only read them once. Funny how I still got that sick feeling seeing them all these months later though.

Ouch..... any reason you still need to hang on to them?

But I think I am slowly improving, overall.

You've been wonderful all the way through and I know you'll get past this point too. Don't beat yourself up. Stay busy, take care of yourself, reach out to others in need.

C

ALS,

So the roller coaster ride continues... If only the rides at the parks lasted this long, they might be worth the wait in the long lines.

Think of it this way, the positive way..... Each day that passes, you get closer to meeting someone special. Can't say I am wrong...

K

<small>[ July 01, 2003, 03:27 PM: Message edited by: veryconfusedsad ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ALostSoul:
... A grown dog is definitely less work than a puppy, but still work all the same. The benefits of the companionship would probably outweigh the other stuff ...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">yes. i have a lab that's just over a year. she's a 90 lb pain in the [censored] most of the time (the breed is pretty playful until the age of 2 or 3) and she's basically a coffee table that has free will. but i wouldn't trade her for the world.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But with any dog, you still need to basically be at home twice a day, never gone overnight, to let the dog out, walk it, etc.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">if you have to leave overnight, a good borading service is worth every penny. we have good neighbors who will help, too.

in any case, one of the best investments you can make is a crate. crate training has been a real plus for us ... and the dog likes it. she knows it's her space and she feels safe there.

I'm kinda tired, so I am actually going to respond to the previous 3 posts tomorrow. But I have a few random things I wanted to put out here in case I forget them in my sleep.

I finally realized something today when I was thinking about how I felt about W. I wanted to at least get to the root of the rollercoaster. Understand what makes me sad when I'm sad, and happy when I'm happy.

When I'm sad, it's easy. I am sad for W and for myself. I miss her. I miss what we used to have when we were together. And I'm sad that she gave up after all I have given her. I am, in a way I guess, mourning the loss of her as a wife.

However, this was sort of the revelation. At least, nothing I've been able to put to words here before. But I realized one of the reasons that I am happy and almost even relieved at times when I think about what's happened. I'm not sure if I am proud of this or not, but it says something.

I'm happy because I realize I am free of the burden of making W happy. Since I met her, I spent practically every day of my life trying to make W happy. Even when we were dating, there were times when we talked for hours on end, via the phone, the computer, whatever. And I loved that. But at that point, and continuing on through after we got married, the day/conversation always ended one way. W was happy or sad. And a lot of times it seemed like she ended her day more in a depression than she did in a good mood. And I carried the weight of that. I took responsibility for it. When she was happy, I thought hey, job well done. And when she was sad, I felt like a failure.

I lost sleep sometimes, got preoccupied at work, or basically just struggled a lot trying to decide why W wasn't happy, and doing all I could to make her happy. I know now that I wasn't 100% perfect at meeting her needs, nor was she at mine, but that there may have been a bigger factor at play here. If what folks think here is true, and she is suffering from some sort of clinical depression, then it was something I couldn't control.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it was me all along and with OM she is a ball of joy and cheer and he doesn't see the W I saw. That I may never know. But I think I'm right. And if so, I'm happy that the weight I carried of working so hard and feeling responsible for W's unhappiness is gone. I'm not sure that's the right way to feel, but it's what gets me through sometimes, and makes me think that maybe all of this did happen for a reason. Perhaps it was to set me free.

And finally, I have been watching TV lately and noticing a lot of infidelity type themes. In a way, instead of triggering me, it's comforting, oddly enough, to see that these fictitious shows are portraying it in the way that they are. It makes me feel less alone, as I can see that yes, other people HAVE been through this, and both sides can understand. So many have been through this before we have and have come out on the other side with a better understanding. And it's certainly not limited to our little community here. In fact, I think we are fortunate to have found this place, and to have found each other.

Anyway, the one pearl of wisdom I took from one of these shows was this, and I wanted to share it with all of you, especially those of you in recovery or getting close to that. A husband and wife who are in a struggling marriage recall their wedding day, and the fact that an old married couple (50 years married, I believe) were asked, what was the secret? How were they able to stay married to each other for so long?

The answer was this: "We never fell out of love with each other at the same time."

ALS

Confused Sad - On the rollercoaster ride: Yeah, it goes on, but you make a good point. There are positive things I can look at and I do hope that I don't end up living the rest of my life alone. I think that's my biggest fear right now as I move into divorce. I realize I'm only 30 but I also don't meet people anymore, college is long over and my opportunities to meet women are few and far between, if ever (unless you count the bars, which I really don't, I just don't see a bar as a good place to meet someone). But I hope that it just happens somehow, someday.

Whippit - I've always wanted a yellow lab. As you say, I fear a bit of the early years with the dog as I think it will totally trash my house. But I love dogs, I love animals, and I'd love to own one. I think I just need to be prepared for some destruction. Sadly, I have no nearby neighbors or family that would be able to watch the dog for me. And for the amount of time I like to go away, I can't be putting the dog in a kennel all the time. Not fair to the dog and not really good to my bank account either. So maybe I should just put up with the allergies and get a cat again!

Cerri says:

You might try a long haired cat if the one you had before was short or vice versa. A friend of mine whose hubby was a vet told me that some people are sensitive to only one or the other. Worth a try anyway. We're a cat family.... 2 black cats (go figure ) and one orange one..... well 3/4 of an orange one.... he's missing a leg.

I told you our cat was black, too, right? I miss that cat. It's a really cool cat. W has since bought a SECOND cat to keep that one company (she said she thought the first cat was lonely not having any company all day). So now she's got 2 cats in a little apartment. Then again, that may be something else OM has on me, too. He probably doesn't sneeze like crazy when he's around her cats. I always did, even sometimes when I was on allergy medicine.

At the risk of sounding like I'm trying to get rid of you (I'M NOT!!! ) you might think about how posting here keeps it alive and active in your head?

I know where you are coming from. I don't think NOT coming here is going to make it go away. If anything, I learn a lot by being here. And the input and feedback and support I receive help me. The day will probably come when I stop coming here but for now, I think it's helping me with my recovery and growth, overall.

<sigh> ALS!!!!! You do not know how she felt!!! You only know what she presented to you. Whether or not she cared is not something you can say with any authority.

Sorry <hangs head in shame>. I need to realize that what I saw and how she felt may have been different. I just wish she'd have at some point shown some sort of indecision to me.

And that I think is a good thing. Any conflict she has now falls on his shoulders.

Yeah, I was talking to my Dad about this last night. Explaining to him that since I filed, and she has gotten all she has now wanted, any moment of sadness or depression can no longer be blamed on me. She can try but it's not a viable excuse for her anymore. My Dad understands, mostly, but I think he unfortunately doesn't see the big picture. He told me he feels like she must have never loved me if she can do this and never try. He says she may have been infatuated, maybe, but if she loved me, she would have taken my outstretched hand and tried. And that it's obvious I love her because I didn't give up on her.

Ouch..... any reason you still need to hang on to them?

Actually I want to share you a couple tidbits from them sometime. Remember I discovered the A just as it was starting. I tried to stop it right from the start. It's interesting to see a few of the things OM said to W. It really indicated to me that he wasn't a guy that could do this for the long haul. He told her he was worried she was too needy. I wonder if he's changed his tune since then.

You've been wonderful all the way through and I know you'll get past this point too. Don't beat yourself up. Stay busy, take care of yourself, reach out to others in need.

Thanks, C. It really means a lot to hear you say that, I do want to make sure that I did all that I could. Staying busy is NEVER a problem for me. I'll be around.

Still love hearing from you all!

ALS

ALS:

I like that 2uote.

I've got another one, from a colleague of mine who knows I'm having problems but doesn't know what they are. He's 72, and said that about 40 years ago, his M was in trouble, but he didn't elaborate either.

What he said, though was "you'll never find a deeper love than that of an elderly man for his wife."

I still feel tears well up when I think of that. My mom passed away just weeks before my parents' 50th anniversary. My dad's parents had celebrated their 63rd anniversary before my grandfather died.

regards,
-2long

Yes, that is sad and touching. You do see a new kind of love and respect between elderly couples who have been married for such a long period of time. With all those years behind them, you know they've been through a lot but they've weathered the storm and stuck together and that says a lot for the love and dedication between them.

ALS

I found you on page 4 this morning! That must mean that you're out there enjoying life for a change.

PAGE 4!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I knew when I woke up this morning that something was not right! Now that ALS is on the main page again I feel things coming back into alignment!

Thanks Kily for bumping him up again!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks all. Glad you haven't forgotten about me!

I did have quite a fantastic, fun weekend. Parties all over the place. My neighbor had a huge BBQ I went to on the 4th after my family thing, and I met a ton of great new people that live in my neighborhood. Most are younger couples with children, but they are all very friendly, social, right around my age, and they love to hang out, play cards, all that stuff. I never even realized that there were so many fun, friendly people my age on the block here.

I'm having a party here in a couple weeks and I invited them all down. So I'm making a bunch of new friends and it was great. I basically just socialized, ate lots of food, drank some nice drinks, played a lot of horseshoes outside, and the like with my neighbors, family and friends all weekend long. It was such a great weekend I took today off just to catch back up.

Anyway, the situation with W hasn't been forgotten, nor has MB. I still think of W and miss her but I am doing a lot better as each day goes on. I find keeping busy, having fun, and living life is the best medicine for all of this. It's been a really fantastic weekend.

I'll write more later, and Kily, I have a lot to email you back on I see, too! Will catch up on it all.

TTYL

ALS

Figured it was time that I get myself off of the 3rd page and check in with all of my good friends here.

I haven't heard a peep from W in, let's see, 17 days, since that was when we got together to sign some papers and to sign the car over to her. That was the last time we communicated, and before that, we hadn't seen each other in 2 months. And as you read here, on that day W and I barely had a thing to say to one another.

Interestingly enough, W promised she'd send me a check for the court fees from the divorce filing after she got paid this past Friday. Still haven't gotten that. It's not that I don't think she'll pay me back. She will. I think she may have either overspent herself (she tends to do that) OR she's waiting to see how long it will take me to contact her to ask her for it again. Plus, she STILL has her rocking chair and some miscellaneous other stuff in the house. I still wonder why she hasn't asked to come get that stuff yet.

I guess I'm still in Plan B, though like a true Plan B, I have no idea if it's having any effect at all. In 2 months, we'll be getting together to sign the next round of divorce papers. My plan is to basically stay out of contact until then. I have no reason for contact at all.

I am feeling stronger lately. As a whole, I find myself thinking of W a lot less. She still comes into my mind every day, but where I used to be more focused on her and the marriage, I now find myself missing her maybe 50% of the time, but the other 50% of the time, I find myself relieved that I no longer have to be responsible for making her happy, for stopping her depression. At those times, I smile because a huge weight has been lifted from me. I also wonder if OM is going through the same issues with her that I was.

It truly amazes me just how many people are going through or have been through divorces. It makes me sad. I thought back to years ago when my assignment in grade school was to predict where I'd like to be in 20 years. I think I predicted I'd be happily married and living in a nice house with a family. I don't think any kid says they want to be divorced when they grow up. Yet look how many of us that it happens to.

I do believe this whole notion of a throwaway society is contributing to the ease that some spouses find in pushing for a divorce. I mean heck, the insides of my gas grill were totally fried out, and instead of spending a lot of money to replace all the rusted, broken parts, I just bought a brand new grill. Of course, I know that's a piece of equipment, not a person. But I also think that some people just don't make that distinction anymore. If something's broken, get a new one.

Anyway, that being said, I have been making a lot of new friends lately, and keeping extremely busy, and that's a huge help. The days fly by and I'm having a lot of fun. That makes a big difference in my attitude about my marriage and my future.

ALS

<small>[ July 10, 2003, 09:43 AM: Message edited by: ALostSoul ]</small>

ALS,

Just wanted you to know I keep up with you and think of you. You and I both know that this new relationship she has is almost certain to fail. I feel strongly that until that happens and the bloom is really off the rose....she isn't going to appreciate what kind of a man she had in you. It has been my experience, that all the men in my life I have lost...have eventually come back. Funny thing is, I never wanted them back by the time they did. Keep moving forward and filling your life with new experiences. I'm so happy you have not fallen into depression and you are moving on because it's healthy for you and sends a strong message to her. The more independent you are, the more attractive you will be to her....so just really stick to the no contact and allow her to grasp the idea that you will be happy, with or without her. Sending you sunshine <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ July 10, 2003, 10:01 AM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

star:

Very cool post!

ALS: I've thought a lot about people on here who I've followed, watched them go through DVs, sometimes 2 hastily (but not necessarily by their own choices), recovered, found a new spouse, only 2 have the ex wanting 2 come home after the A fell apart.

I don't think you're likely 2 be one of these BSs(and that isn't meant 2 slight these people, either). I don't know what your stbxw is likely 2 do long term, but I do agree with star that it's bloody unlikely that this R will work out.

One can only hope that all the parties involved will learn something important via the choices they've made.

regards,
-ol' 2long

Starfish: You have been with me in this from the start, and I thank you for still being here! Thanks for the sunshine. I do find that being independent and happy sends the best message to a WS or even an X, not when you are acting it out either, but when it truly IS how you feel.

And Like 2long says, great post. 2long: I hope that my W somehow learns something out of this, too. If it doesn't save my M, that's understandable, but I hope she learns someday that this wasn't the right way to do this.

It's weird, and maybe this is a false assumption on my part, but like your past, Star, I have this odd feeling that my W isn't out of my life forever. That one day she WILL return and possibly even want a relationship with me again. I'm not sure if that will be in one year or 10 years, but I just have this feeling that it's going to happen.

However, what I'm not sure of is what my reaction would be. More than likely, at the point this happens, I'll have moved onto a new relationship and be very happy. But if I was single and unattached, would I want her back anyway? Like you both said, 2long, chances are slim of my W's R with OM going long term. The question is, where will SHE me mentally when it's over, and where will I be?

I have learned that in a short period of time, if a person is willing to look inside themselves, they are capable of becoming better, changing, getting a new understanding of things. I have seen this in myself. I have come far in the past 8 months or so. So I guess I can't also sit back and say W would NEVER do that as well. It's possible she may also come to this point herself, where she understands relationships and commitments better, comes to terms with her depression, and becomes the wonderful person she is capable of being.

And who's to say, that if the stars cross in that way in the future, how I'd react to that. One thing I'm sure of -- I don't want my old W back anymore. Without changes, it's just a recipe for disaster. For a while there I think I would have taken her back any way I could get her. I know better now. I know I deserve more than that.

I am going to be fine, whether I stay single forever, date someone new, even remarry. I'm not sure I can say the same for W. She's got a lot to carry with her forever. I don't think she'll ever forget what she did to me. As much as she tries to convince herself that she made the right decisions, I think deep down she knows that this was wrong.

And I still do have that weird feeling that one day, maybe not soon, but someday, I'll hear from her again...

ALS

ALS,

I remember when I first met you....was it in JFO? Anyway, LOL you were just flopping around, hadn't done much of a Plan A were talking about going to B. And I just said "whoa!!!" hang on there big fella!" I convinced you to move to a part of the forum where you could get more help....and the rest is this history making mega-thread! In the end....who knows if it made a difference in the outcome of your marriage....but it certainly made a HUGE difference in YOU as a human being. I have always believed that no matter the outcome....using MB can always be a winning process because it helps us grow as individuals and helps us in EVERY interpersonal relationship we will ever have if we practice it.

I don't know whether I told you I was married before the 20+ year marriage I am in now. I was married at 20 to the most amazing man. My marriage lasted for 6 months, when he decided that he had made a mistake and left. I was so devastated. He has since been married and divorced two more times. I ran into him quite by accident at the House of Blues in New Orleans while I was visiting my sister. He told me what a mistake it was, for the 3rd or 4th time (I've run into him other times through the years), to have ever left me. He said, I could have had it all and I was just too young and stupid to know it....and I have been trying to capture it again again. I won't tell you there isn't some satisfaction in that. I still love him, but I would not want to be married to him because he doesn't know how to be in a relationship. But it is just one example of how the world turns.

Like you, I do believe that your wife will enter your life again....sometime....somewhere....it just seems to happen that way. It was so cool to see when I was looking and feeling so good about myself.....and that is what I wish for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Star,

Yeah, what happened was that I found this site a couple of weeks after D-Day, and by that point, I had done quite a bit of crying, pleading, LBing, and such, and W was moving out of the house because I was basically forcing it to happen. I wasn't one of those people that could live with her and watch her go out to visit OM every night of the week.

So anyway, with her moving out, I was under the misconception that it was time for Plan B the moment that a separation happens. Luckily I had folks like you and Cerri and many others to tell me that I could still attempt a Plan A even while separated, and that I should at least try. So you got me on the right track there. For a while, it seemed like there was progress too, there were a few long phone calls and visits, but that suddenly ended even though I wasn't really backsliding. That's the point I finally DID go to Plan B.

And by the way, this thread is my largest, but you should see some of my older threads in GQ-II. I wish I could merge them all here somehow, maybe I can go back and put some links in to my past threads, if anyone's daring enough to dive in.

Time will tell on if it made any difference in the marriage. I don't believe that it will, but with me it HAS done wonders. Just having the support alone got me through the rough days, but the advice, the care, and the MB books all helped me to grow and learn a lot over these past months. I'm doing my best to apply all I've learned every day, hopefully I will get to the point that it all happens naturally.

Star, I never knew your full story before. That is a great example of a guy who was young and made a mistake that he is still regretting so many years later. Like you, I can't say I wouldn't find satisfaction in hearing that from W either should I run into her somewhere down the road. People grow, people change, and hey, you never know. Marriage isn't easy, it's a job in and of itself, but one day I hope she realizes, like your X did, that the work would have been WORTH it.

So hey, I'm glad you are feeling positive and have had positive encounters with your X. Maybe that will happen for me as well somewhere down the road. I do think W will look at me differently with OM out of the picture, yes, but I also am fairly certain that as long as he is around, the fog will hang there, too.

ALS

ALS- I am so glad to hear that you are finding the strength to move on. Plan B is hard at first but it gets better one day at a time. You have made many friends here and we all care about you.

Keep laughing and having fun, your W will notice the change!

Thanks, STTSI! Always nice to hear from ya. Hope things are going better for you, I'll look in on your thread soon.

I'm gonna keep having fun and doing my best to smile. As for W noticing, I doubt that very much, as she probably will see me maybe one or two more times in person and that will be the last I see of her, maybe forever. At least that's the way I currently see things happening. That can change. Though lately we have no excuse to see each other, except when divorce papers need signing, so I don't expect she'll have much chance to notice the change.

One thing I have been doing, I run a website that I update regularly, and I am fairly certain she still visits (she admitted to visiting regularly even since she moved out) and I have been very upbeat and happy and funny with my updates there. My mood sort of comes through in my writing. So at least there's something she can notice even without contacting me.

One other thing, and I don't want to make this sound sad, because I don't mean it that way, but a few minutes ago I just really had the urge, the wish, to just have a girl I could hug and tell her that I loved her. I guess I just have a lot of repressed love waiting to get out. I look forward to having that in my life again someday.

ALS