Indeed. I'll say this much: She's definitely surprised me a few times during all of this, and many folks here, too.

From her taking my loving Plan A letter way back in December as a "stalker letter", to her 100 phone calls in a row and banging down the front door after the Plan B letter got sent to OM and her family...

But now, the latest curveball is the whole "I'm moving home this January" statement. That one's got me baffled. That single sentence just makes me question so much that I just have no way to ask her. Why tell me this now, 5 months before it's scheduled yet weeks before our divorce is going to be final? Does this mean she is quitting her job? Does this mean she is leaving or has left the OM? Does this mean she is moving home with her parents again or just getting her own place in Canada?

So many questions, yet I suppose none of it's my business. I don't even feel comfortable asking. I wish she'd just tell me what's going on with her life but I guess that's not her style. Either that or she doesn't want me to know. Then again, why even tell me about moving away at all. Our business together will be more than finished by January if things continue as they are.

And then, why ask about picking up her things to cancel twice? There's basically 2 explanations to it: One, she's so selfish, inconsiderate and disrespectful of me that she figures she can just inconvenience me and I'll adjust my schedule for her continually. Or two, she's realized that this is her last possible excuse/reason to come to our home again, and once it's over, it may very well be the last time she sees the house, and me, ever again.

She continues to baffle us all.

ALS

ALS:

So, baffle her back.

In response 2 her "I'm moving home this January" , why not try something of your own, like maybe:

"I'm getting a sex-change operation on Thursday"

or

"I'm flying 2 Mars on the 15th of June next year. They asked Val Kilmer, but he wasn't available. I was the next logical choice."

or

"Do you walk 2 school, or carry your lunch?"

A foggy brain is such a terrible thing 2 waste, isn't it? ...Right! Let's waste it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

or not.

-2long

lol at 2long!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

anything new?

I liked 2long's idea of just saying baffling things back. I think she'd just assume I lost my mind or something. Some days after D-Day, I felt close! Feeling quite sane lately, though. Especially when I don't have to deal with her unpredictability.

Anyway, whippit, to answer your inquiry (thanks for asking, by the way), nothing at all new! I have not heard a peep from W since her strange last week of scheduling to come for the last of her things twice and then not showing up. My guess is that, considering the divorce process is nearing its end, I'll get an email again from her sometime this week asking to come for her things again. I doubt she'll apologize or even mention the fact she just didn't show up last week.

The way the divorce process works is that I need to mail her copies of the forms I plan to file with the judge with 10 days notice (by mail date). I'd planned to give her the forms when I saw her in person last week, which as you know, she never showed up for. So, I mailed her the forms and they should arrive today. I stuck a post-it to the front that said "Let me know if you have any questions". A week from today, the 22nd, I file the final forms with the court which will then go before a judge in 10 MORE days. Basically, the process gives the defendant (W, in this case), plenty of time to object or stop the divorce if she wants. I don't expect she will do that, but when she sees these forms, reality should finally hit her, as this is it.

I am done trying to predict her actions or figure them out. Perhaps she's too busy to come by and get her things, but it's also possible that it's tough for her to realize it will be the last time she will ever come to the house again. No way to know due to her vagueness.

If she wants to be straight-forward about something, she needs to do that, otherwise the divorce is going to go through. I remain willing to talk to her about reconciliation up until the end, but she needs to take that step. If not, I will allow the process to continue and finish up.

That's the latest!

ALS

Just a small update for y'all.

W is coming over tomorrow (Thursday) night in the evening. She asked for after work but I have plans until 7:00, so she agreed to come by after that.

My plan is still the same. Ask her in if she'd like, if not, she can take her things and be on her way. It's probably the last time I will see her, and definitely the last time she'll be at our house and the last social (sort of) visit we'll ever have. So I don't want to treat her coldly, I am in a really great mood this week, and I am sure that will reflect. So I will invite her in, offer her a drink or a seat if she'd like, or let her be on her way. At the very least, I have a couple papers for her to sign to remove her name from the home insurance and bank account, anyway.

No anniversary or special occasion tomorrow, though this Saturday (2 days after I will see her) is her 24th birthday. She totally ignored mine back in June, so I guess I see no reason to acknowledge hers unless you folks think I should. I may not have a chance, anyway. Her birthday got ruined last year because my good friend's wedding fell on the same day, and I always thought I'd be able to make it up to her this year. I tried to last year, but considering it was a month before D-Day, there may have been other factors at play that made it even easier for her to have a horrible birthday with me.

Anyway, that's my update. Thoughts or opinions welcome. Final divorce documents are set to be filed with the court on Monday. I just figure at this point, even though I may be in Plan B, there's no reason for me to treat her poorly tomorrow, especially for our last time together. Hopefully then she'll at least remember me as a good guy and not someone she couldn't wait to get away from for the rest of her life.

ALS

Change of plan (again) -- W tracked me down at my new work phone number somehow to call me this morning and ask if she could come at lunch instead. She is headed home for the weekend to spend her birthday with her family, apparently, and wants to leave right after work to get ahead of the hurricane hitting here in the northeast. So I agreed we could meet at the house at lunch for her to pick up her chair and last box of things.

She showed right around then, and was in an incredible rush to get things done and go. I offered her lunch, she refused. Asked her if she got the papers I sent, she did and had no objections to the divorce going through. Asked her to sign a couple more papers (closing out bank accounts and change of insurance). She signed without even reading them.

She had brought a screwdriver to dismantle her chair, though I assured her we could get it into the car without doing that. We did, though perhaps she wanted to take it apart to allow room for OM to travel home with her for the weekend. It's possible, but unlikely. Who knows. She did say he had met her parents already months ago. So it's possible they are still together and travelling home together for her birthday.

Anyway I loaded her last box of things and the chair and she was on her way. I wished her a happy birthday before she got into the car and she mumbled back "Thanks, not yet though." I didn't hear right and asked her what she said, she just said "It's not until Saturday, but thanks." That was that. Off she drove. She was here about 5 minutes total for all of that.

It's possibly the last time I will ever speak with her or see her, so it's a strange end to this long saga. I am not sure if we have to appear in court but I will be filing the final paperwork on Monday. She does have a CD of mine that I asked her to bring and she forgot, but tells me she will bring that here next week once she returns from home. But that's something she can just dump in the mailbox if she wants.

So today, I feel I did all I could without going further than I wanted -- The olive branch went out as far as I could reach. I offered her lunch, helped her load her things, and wished her a happy birthday (much more than I got on my birthday, which she ignored, even emailed me on and didn't say a peep). I will take the high road here even though she's not interested in any kindness.

I figured out today too why it's so depressing after I see her. She is just not the girl I remember anymore. She is like a shell of herself, or just very closed off emotionally when she is around me. I guess I just remember her as loving, outgoing, and friendlier, now the person I see whenever I face her makes me feel uncomfortable, less than even an acquaintance. It's strange. Then again, perhaps I do the same to her, though I try to throw small gestures of kindness in, as I did today, to show otherwise.

As it's always said, there's nothing we can do to change the decisions of a WS. We can only control our own actions. And I remain pleased with myself, happy that I did all I could, yet also sad that it couldn't have worked out better for us both.

ALS

Dear ALS:

Her action was sad to say the least. Whether guilt or some other reason caused her to act so callously is for her to live with (and she will in her heart as she grows up).

You my friend acted as the gentleman you are. I am sure that is part of her discomfort around you.

Live your life. You will do so well I am almost jealous.

All my best

Jack

<small>[ September 18, 2003, 02:44 PM: Message edited by: willmakeitwork ]</small>

Thanks, Jack. You have been very kind and supportive and I do appreciate that.

As for her, I don't know if she'll ever truly understand. In her eyes, I believe she may always feel like she did no wrong, since she waited to start her PA until she told me she was leaving the house. I think she justified her "exit affair" as moral because she had already declared the marriage was over to me. We see things differently here, most of us feel it's wrong to be involved with another when legally married. I just think my W treated it more as a boyfriend/girlfriend "break up" than a marriage, and that's how she justifies her actions to herself.

But what more can I really say about her that I haven't already, I suppose. She makes me sad but I have no control over her life and decisions. Despite them all, she will still be missed.

ALS

if i were you ... i'd get her a card for her birthday. i certainly wouldn't attach anything hopeful to it. but it's a nice thing to do for someone you know.

edit:
so my statement above came too late. you did everything you could. i think, sadly, she will struggle a long time.

<small>[ September 18, 2003, 03:40 PM: Message edited by: whippit ]</small>

ALS:

I saw this earlier, but didn't have time 2 post...

I'm with Jack and Whip on this one, ALS. I don't think she's faced the consequences of what she's done yet. Maybe she never will. In either case, you've done all you could 2 prepare you for the rest of your life. One can hope that someday she'll understand and appreciate that.

I would send a card, like whippit suggested. Don't put any stakes on it at all. Just wish her happy birthday as a friend would.

Good luck 2 you, ALS!

-ol' 2long

Thanks guys.

As you saw, I did wish her a happy birthday. Didn't get her a card or anything, that opportunity has passed. But I did tell her happy birthday and I meant it, I hope she has a good day. Of course it's sad to think she is spending it with OM and not me, I hope she is just going home with her family and he's not going along with her. But at this stage of the game, I guess it doesn't matter anyway.

Hopefully she at least appreciated that I remembered and wished her a happy one, considering she didn't have the courtesy to do that for me back in June.

ALS

Sadly some people have to go through many failed relationships to be able to recognize the "one that got away". One day she will recognize the lost potential and she will live with regret. I'm glad you won't. I'm sending you smiles and prayers ALS <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks, starfish. You've been here with me from the beginning, almost a year now, and I appreciate your words of inspiration and confidence in me over this time. You have been very supportive.

I hope you are right, I hope she at least sometimes has regret (or maybe eventually will) that she didn't stay and try. I know that our marriage wasn't perfect, but I am confident that we could have made it better than ever if she only would have given it that chance. I hope she finds whatever it is that she's looking for, though at this point, if she's moving back in with her parents, I'm not really sure what that is.

ALS

Well, yesterday I went to the courthouse and filed the final bit of divorce paperwork, now that the 90 day waiting period has passed. It amazed me actually how simple the process was, with no-fault and no quibbles over finance, etc. In my opinion, it's TOO easy to get a divorce. I always considered marriage such a sacred thing, it's sad that it was so simple to end.

Anyway, officially today I am still married, though the days are certainly numbered, perhaps even less than I thought. I actually filled out divorce decrees right in the court so all the judge needs to do is sign them. It was weird seeing that I was filling out a decree both for me and W, and I even was forced to purchase and addressed the envelopes for the decrees to the both of us. In other words, the process is SO streamlined that the judge signs his name, the forms get thrown into envelopes, mailed, and we are divorced. I was told that everything was getting sent to the judge today. Very sobering, as I thought there might be a bit more of a waiting period before it goes through. For all I know, he's finalizing it today.

I guess it was wishful thinking that W might come through at the zero hour and ask to put things in hold. I must admit, I remain tempted to send W an email, letting her know all the paperwork is filed and she still has a chance to back out of this. Though I think it would be presumptuous of me to assume that, not to mention I think I have too much pride to yet again wear my heart on my sleeve.

I guess I never really let go of the dream of reconciliation. I still at times can close my eyes or daydream, and imagine her coming back to me, hugging her, making everything better, starting over, just being with each other, talking, spending time together, rekindling. Of course once a divorce is final I need to realize that's never happening, in fact I really should convince myself of that now, but it was a pleasant thought. It might be crazy, but even though we have been apart for so long, I don't feel like we've passed the point of no return. Perhaps even with OM out of the picture (if he even is), she feels we've grown apart so far that it can't be fixed.

Had I not heard from her that she planned to move back home in January, I'd just assume nothing changed...But I still wonder if that was an indication that it's ended with OM...The fact she is willing to move home seems to indicate she may be leaving her job, her friends, and OM...Everything that she has here. If she's willing to give all that up, why not try us one more time before she leaves here forever? I may never know. But I struggle with the temptation to ask her these questions still, and the desire to give one final push to the marriage before a judge puts ink to paper and makes the marriage go away.

Just doing a lot of thinking today...Anyone have any thoughts to add?

ALS

Hi there! It's me! I stepped back since you've been getting so much great advice from everyone else, but here's my .02 on the above.

Sounds like you're looking for some closure on this. Just remember, as one door closes another one opens.

Do you think you're at a place now where you could ask her these questions and hear what she has to say without jeopardizing your plan 'B'?

If so, by all means, try and get the answers to your questions and some closure before she leaves. While it probably won't change your situation, it will give you peace of mind.

ALS:

I agree with Faith. Now that the ties will be officially cut, what do you have 2 lose? Ask your 2uestions, if she'll talk 2 you. It is also possible that she believes she's done such irreparable damage and that you slammed the door by filing, that there is no going back. If you can let her know that isn't true without putting yourself through a lot of hurt in the process, then I'd do that, 2.

It's often said that we learned all the important things in life from Star Trek. Well, the truth is probably more likely that the writers learned some of their material from Therapists:

"not to mention I think I have too much pride to yet again wear my heart on my sleeve."

In an episode of TNG, Data tries 2 have a relationship with a crewmate. It doesn't work, because he has no emotions. At the end of the episode, he's telling Riker how amazed he is that humans allow themselves 2 get crushed when their relationships fail. I don't remember exactly what he said, but it was something along the lines of what you just said. Riker just said that, even after suffering the loss of a failed relationship, we wear our hearts on our sleeves every time we have another relationship.

I don't think you'll be any different, ALS. But you will be better able 2 build meaningful relationships from now on.

ol' 2long

Just to start this off, I am now officially divorced. But let me get to a couple replies first, then a few thoughts.

Hi Faith! It's nice to hear from you again. I appreciate the advice. I was looking for closure, you are dead on there, but I think it was just a bit of a weak moment for me.

To answer your question -- I am not sure if asking W all of those questions would ruin my Plan B, but I decided in teh end that I'm not willing to take that chance. I have built up a great bit of strength and pride over these past 5 months, and I don't want to make myself that vulnerable again. I am strong and doing well, as well as can be expected, and, while I do remain curious about her, it's more just because I care about her and she will always have been a very important part of my life.

2long basically has the ideas that I have here. She may have just figured we passed the point of no return. Or not. I haven't had the chance to speak with her, and I am not going to push for it. Sure, I'd like to know a couple things, but I can live without knowing, too. I remain, even in divorce, open to listen or talk with her, though I certainly don't expect it -- I am not sure I will ever lay eyes on her again, actually.

So yeah, I got the divorce decree in the mail yesterday. I am amazed. Why anyone would get a lawyer for an uncontested divorce is beyond me...The stories about how tough it is, are either exaggerated or my state/court just makes it too easy. I am actually in shock at how simple it was to do, and think it was TOO simple.

The judge literally signed the decrees (which I filled out myself in the office) and mailed them in the SASE's I bought all on the same day. It was the fastest turnaround ever, and the fastest divorce possible (given the 90 day window). We didn't even have to set foot in a courtroom and, aside from her having to sign about 5 notarized documents, that was the extent of her involvement.

I do regret that I didn't make her do all the work herself, I think it would have at least been a bigger reality for her to do all of that on her own. But at least this way I am safely covered. I wonder if seeing her decree in the mail was a shock or a surprise. Or a relief. But I am past that now.

So here I sit, a single man yet again. Pretty short marriage, and I'm sorry it failed. I really did try my best, but given all of my efforts, I guess it just wasn't meant to me. Any of us who come to MB to learn and try, I believe, are fully deserving of an effort from our spouses in our marriages. If they don't want to try, we can't blame ourselves for that.

All things considered, I'm doing okay today.

ALS

{{{{ALS}}}}

I hope we made the right choice in having you file. It's iffy and not what I would usually reccomend, but all the pieces seemed to point that way.

Most divorces have some sort of messy complication like property or children that make it far more of a nightmare. I'm glad you were spared that.

It would be ok to pursue the questions if you want to. Plan B is to protect you, that's true, but I don't think you would have to cause yourself a whole lot of grief over an attempt at getting answers. But in the end, it's up to you and what you feel is safe for you.

Take some time to heal. You will make someone an incredibly wonderful husband some day. I hope your W sees what she missed and decides to rethink her choice, but if she doesn't the greatest loss is hers.

Brightest Blessings,
C

i tend to agree with the notion that if you want answers you should ask questions. of course, measuring the risk against the gain is your task. maybe, in time, when they just don't matter much, you will be able to ask. maybe byt then you just won't care.

cerri -- and so many others -- is right. you will be an excellent husband to another woman someday. in the meantime, continue surround yourself with people who love you and whom you enrich in return.