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mtd

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

-ol' 2long

HEY!
I remember you! Happy Holidays! I'm sorry to hear about your divorce. I have been unable to keep up with the boards since I went back to dayshift... *sigh* No more graveyard shift and quiet time to reflect on MB posts...

Well, sounds like you're moving on but hopefully you gave up 8 hour long drinking parties??!! YIKES! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Dear ALS:

This is the post I have been waiting for from you.

Happy Holidays and enjoy yourself.

God Bless.

Jack

Merry Christmas ALS! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I was pointed in this direction by one of the many great people here, and just finished page 1 of this saga.

I just wanted to take a few minutes to say that it sounds like I just had almost the same conversation with my wife yesterday that you had with yours 9 months ago. That includes the descriptions of things you may have done wrong, being a bad listener, being controlling, and your reaction on D-Day.

The only differences are that I didn't kick her out when I found out, though I made it clear that I couldn't live with her if she kept up this affair (which she did, and now she's moved out). The other difference was that, during our entire 3+ hour talk, she never cried, never expressed remorse, never said she was sorry in any way when I talked about how this was hurting me, and how it was destroying my trust and respect and love for her. At the most, the times I talked, she kind of frowned and looked down at the floor, but nothing more. It may have been a sign of regret or it may have been a sign that she just didn't want to hear what I was saying.

I wish I had still been a better listener and such though. I didn't compliment her but once, I didn't look her in the eye much of the time, while either of us talked, and though I tried, I don't think I did a better than average job of validating her feelings.

Plus, in the end, I left our financial situation pretty much the same, despite her questions and requests, showing the need to still control things. My problem with that, I thought, was just that I can't trust her, but maybe it's just that I don't want to give up some control.

Well, back to some chores and then to try and read more of your saga. Though I pretty much know how it ends, I'm curious to see what goes on in between. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks all, for the well wishes in the holiday season. I see a lot of familiar names there and it's really nice of you to pop in with a post. Glad you didn't forget about me despite my lack of visits here. Again, I will always be appreciative for all you have done.

UN -- Glad you found this thread. If you're having a similar type conversation and situation, it may do you a lot of good to read my thread. I pretty much kept every little bit of information since this thread began here. Everything you'll read is honest and portrayed as close to how it happened as possible. I hope you can get something out of it or at least use this thread to realize that there may be times that you do all you can, and still not get the results you expect. I did the best I could to keep the marriage together but it wasn't my decision in the end. Over a year later, though, I am doing really well and a very happy person. There are many outcomes from this, so be ready for anything. And definitely keep reading this thread, I think it will help you be prepared for what's to come next.

Happy New Year folks...

ALS

It's been a while since I checked in here, but I thought it might be nice to just check in with an update. Plus, I always hope that, in bumping my thread, it might help some newer arrivals here who might not have seen it. There's gotta be some useful information in my story. If nothing else, I remember that coming here and reading that I wasn't alone was a big help to me when my xW's A started. It's been almost...let's see...16 months since D-Day now, hard to believe! After a year, you just stop counting.

I still come to MB occasionally and read posts, but since I've changed gears and started to focus a lot more on myself and live my life, I've had a lot less time to devote to the internet and this place in particular. During the first 6 months or so past my D-Day, I found that I was spending almost every moment of my free time buried in marriage books or here at MB, and it was running my life. At the time it helped me, but the time also came where I felt I needed to move away from spending so long focused on saving my M and live my life. When divorce was inevitable and in process, I started to make that change.

I'm not sure if a lot of relationships end this way, or if I'm one of the rare ones. When I saw xW back in September, I really had no idea that it would be the last time I'd ever see her or communicate with her in any way. When she took the last of her things from the house and drove off, there was really no goodbye exchanged, or an acknowledgement from either of us that we'd be parting ways forever that day. Maybe we both just assumed that since the divorce wasn't final yet, that there would be at least one more contact. Not sure. But that was the day!

Then again, my intuition has been very spot-on since all the problems started. Too bad it didn't sharpen up sooner than that, so I could have seen it coming, but in a way, I felt that might be the last time I'd see her that day in September. In an email xW sent to me about a month before that meeting, she had told me out of the blue that she was "moving home" in January (which would have been sometime last month). At the time, I wasn't sure if that meant moving back to Canada with her parents, quitting her job, and leaving OM, or if that was just part of a bigger plan to move there WITH OM, or what. So, with February now underway, my thoughts came back to xW and I can't help but be a little curious about where she's at in her life. If I were a betting man, I'd still give favor to her keeping her plan, moving back home with her parents last month and, I assume, quitting the relationship with OM (unless he was willing to move 7 hours away to a different country with her). I like to think that's true. I think that option was her second best choice compared to staying and working on the marriage. Since we couldn't have that, I at least hope she did the next best thing.

I'm questioning this one to this day: I'm not sure if I was more afraid of losing my marriage or just afraid of being alone for the rest of my life. It's been, as I said, 16 months since my xW moved out and I haven't had a single date since then. I'm a good guy with a lot going for me, but I've just not been the type of guy to get a lot of dates in my life. Call it shyness, or just a general inability to cross that barrier to start a relationship, whatever the case, when my M ended, I think what I was most scared of was never having a relationship again. I'm starting to kind of accept that reality, and it's a lonely thought. I am doing great though, taking care of myself, having a TON of fun with my friends, taking vacations, etc, but still relationship-challenged. I think that's what I was always afraid of since this whole thing started. Just being alone. I've surrounded myself with people as much as possible, and I've discovered that I am a person who likes company. I don't like to be alone for very long periods of time. Even before I got married, and had W in my life every day, I always made it a point to spend time with people, have guests over, very regularly. So the adjustment from having someone to come home to every day, I think, has been a tough one to make for a guy who liked having a girl to come home to. I guess I'm a people person after all!

So, with that dreaded day tomorrow that reminds those of us who are alone that we ARE still alone (thanks, greeting card companies)...I guess it's just got me a bit nostalgaic for romance. I was doing some computer cleanup and came across a bunch of old email messages that W and I sent when we were long distance dating. Things were a lot different then, and I remember typing them all so clearly. I wonder where those days went as I read them, and how I let things get so complacent, so quickly. I guess that's what happens to many a relationship, the newness does wear off, and things do get to be a bit of a routine after some time. Things do change. Perhaps we started too intensely, or dropped off too quickly, but I can see that our communication changed drastically when that relationship when from long distance email to living together under one roof. I wish that wouldn't have happened, and it's funny, because I feel like I'm about to burst with how much I have to say to someone again. I guess that's how affairs start. Someone new to hear all your stories, opinions, thoughts. A whole new audience for the movie that is your life and your ideals. If there's anything I got out of reading those emails, it's that we never should run out of things to talk about. There's always something. I think I started to internalize a lot of things, we both did, and that didn't help either of us. When you've got the gift of someone to share your life with you, I think the best thing you can do is to make the most of it. I hope that when I find someone new, she likes to talk because I feel like I've got a ton to say, and a ton of listening to do as well. I've learned a lot about what it means to nurture a long term relationship. I'll never be complacent again.

I still, to this day, regret xW's decision. I see a remarkable person in her, and, looking back, our obvious problems aside, she really was a wonderful, perfect person for me. Our potential was unlimited, had we chosen to take the right path with it. At least the affair was a wake up call to me, and I was finally able to see the mistakes I was making and the growing up that I had to do. It's tough when your first serious relationship becomes your marriage. Had I failed in a few before that, perhaps I would have at least learned from those mistakes and not taken them into my marriage with me. And the same goes for her, as well. She had a few relationships before me, though I still don't think she quite learned enough from their failings to foster a long-term one with me. Regardless of if I ever see her again, I do hope that, like me, she's grown and matured a bit, and learned some stuff too. I'm still sad for the loss of her, because I know how great it would have been if we'd both worked on it. We're both losing out there. I think we had a lot to offer each other and a very bright future, once we got past the bumps.

I'm ready to love again, I've got a lot to give, and I hope that somehow, even a shy guy like me can find love again. I know that I don't take anything in my life for granted anymore, and that I can make a girl very happy if I'm given that chance. So I hope that comes. I hope my fears of being alone, the fears that may have been just as strong as ending my marriage, don't hold true forever. I'm so thankful for my friends, my family, my health, my job, my house...I'm a very lucky person. But I've also realized that I'm the type of guy that wants to settle down, that wants a wife to love, that wants a family to raise. I hope to have that chance again soon.

Take care, all. I'll check in again!

ALS

Thought I'd give this massive monster a BUMP for some folks who are just starting into this thing and have questions, or are interested in hearing how this process works.

If you read my thread, you'll see the ups and downs of the process, the happy days, the sad days, the hopeful days, the hopeless days...It's all there, in black and white (or whatever your font colors might be set to).

At any rate, I want to tell anyone who's reading this that the MB process WORKS. It may not work the way you want it to, but if you follow it, it WORKS. I spent close to a year in the Plan A/B process while constantly reading here, reading books, and under the sage-like advice of Penny Tupy, a resident coach around here. Can't recommend her or this place enough.

Anyway, after about a year or so of doing this, I found myself a different person. Confidence was the key. Just a newfound faith in myself and pride, I felt like a million bucks. And it started to show. All of a sudden, I was out on the town and meeting all sorts of girls, of all ages. And I was having no problem getting dates at all!

So, I'm happy to report that right now I'm in a relationship with a girl who is wonderful, and I'm taking all that I learned here and applying that towards the way I act in relationships, and it's doing wonders for me. Even though the experience of my xW's A was painful, I learned SO much from it, and I'm so incredibly happy right now.

So, just wanted to give this thread a bump and tell you all I am doing great. Thanks to everyone who helped me through that tough time, this place is the best. There are so many wonderful souls here, and you were all right -- I am doing better than ever! And I have a great, beautiful, fun girl who thinks the world of me. I'm so thankful!

I'll check in more often if I can...

ALS

ALS!

FEBRUARY???

You'd darn well better post more often than that! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Good 2 hear your news!

best,
-ol' 2long

Dang it, he did it again! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks 2...Heheh...

Actually I am astounded at how busy this place is these days. 3 times busier than it was a year ago. Either that's sad because there's more of these marriage problems going on, or happy because at least those with problems are finding help here. Probably more the latter than the former!

Good to hear from you!

Bumping, 'cause I want Graycloud 2 read this thread...

-ol' 2long
P.S. And if you're still out there, ALS, we'd love 2 hear how you're doing!