Hi Everyone,
I mentioned a few weeks ago I felt so much better, and had rather 'moved on' in many ways. I felt more resigned that my exH didn't want me, for now anyway, and it was better to just let things be.

Then 10 days ago was the family funeral that stirred things up again. I wrote about that on the other thread, and many of you helped me in that. Thanks!

At the risk of receiving a MB 2 X 4 (just joking!)
does anyone have ANY suggestion at all as to what I can do, to STILL let my exH know I care, love him, and want to be with him WITHOUT pressuring him?

I've written him many emails, about every 10 days or so, but haven't done so in two weeks. He only replied one time, and he just seemed to want nothing to do with me. I have proclaimed my love over and over, and done thoughtful things for him. I think I still can't believe I've lost this man, forever.

Would an occasional written card be in order? He told me he doesn't want me to call for 'chit chat'. I haven't done so, believe me. I steer clear of him, at the risk of upsetting him all the more. He's cordial when I call about children or practical matters, but we're off the phone in two minutes.

Should I just remember, as that one country singer sang:
"If it will , it will,
if it won't , it won't"

The song got even better but I don't remember the rest too well at this moment.

So, please, any advice is appreciated.

Is it better to give up on trying to be with him, and hope he comes forward, to me? Or will he think I don't love him anymore if I quit trying. Should I write a Plan B type letter? What to do? It seems way too early for that, I love him so much- despite how he's been so disinterested.

Someone at work asked me if I was dating now. ( a female friend) I said I wasn't, and planned on waiting for at least two more years. They seemed very surprised!

Finally, to anyone who's forgiven their WS, God bless you. Even greater, to any WS who has a spouse who forgives them and STILL loves them despite your cheating, appreciate your spouse with all of your soul.

Take care,
H_P
former WS
divorced 8/02

<small>[ May 18, 2003, 11:51 AM: Message edited by: hopeful_person ]</small>

H_P,

I don't think Plan B is appropriate because you are not waiting for him to leave another person. There would be no end.

I do think that letting him know what is up every now and then, signed with Love, or I love you, at the end might help.

I really think consistency is the answer. You don't need to run from him. You are correct you cannot push him. You need to be patient with him. My guess (and it is only a guess) is that one year after divorce, IF you haven't moved on he may be more receptive. I don't know why I say this, but his anger, suggests that he has stuff to workout before he can see you as someone he would like to be with. Usually that takes time.

Meanwhile be kind, always invite him in, make sure he is around the kids and you for their special occasions. And have some peace in your heart, H_P.

You can only do what he will let you do, but you can always be kind, loving, and respectful to him. Even if this doesn't change, I think you will always feel better about yourself if you do these things.

THis is tough stuff H_P, and he has been withdrawn for a long time. So have patience. I do think his actions at the funeral were sensible. He really didn't know if he fit, and as you have said he isn't the most verbal guy in the world anyway. Plus, remember it was very emotional for him to be around people that used to be his family, but really aren't any longer.

Time and patience H_P. Lead your life well, be kind to him, try to engage him when you have the chance. You both sound to me like good people who are deeply hurt. If you really want further advice go see the Pastor that knows both of you. He/she may offer some additional insight.

Plus, don't forget about the kids. They sense and know things. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Every now and then pluse them about their Dad.

Must go.

God Bless,

JL

H-P hi,

These are some points which I thought may be helpful and I put on your other thread. You are normally very meticulous in repying and I wonder if you had not seen them.

"Hcci's post was far more graphic and described exactly what I wanted to say to you. Maybe you could share that beautiful post with your parents, your children etc

You are poised to take this understanding of what you have done to the next level. You may feel you are being sucked into something like you were with the OM. If so there are 2 differences.

1) You are motivated by your courage and not by an illicit sexual attraction.

2) The outcome will be a complete healing and closure of your pain instead of lies and deceit.

Now is the time to really understand the full horror of what you have done to that man. To repent and to be completely honest with yourself your family and your children.

You have travelled only part of the journey back out of your insanity. You still are not thinking straight. example: Do you really want to know why your exh could do no more than a half wave to your daughter in the car with your parents? He probably wanted to vomit or break into tears or show weakness unbecoming to his ideal of a father.

Apart from discussing hcci's post with your family may I humbly suggest 2 things to do.

1) Please go to family counselling for you and your children. You need professionals on this. Well intentioned people on this site working with snippets of information will not solve this. Take your posts and ask a family counsellor for help.

2) Try this exercise in analysis.

Take a piece of paper. Make a column for each time you met your exh over the last 2 years and add one more column.
Leave the first column blank. Label the remaining columns with the heading of the occasion and your exh's behaviour. eg first funeral OK, family dinner quiet but warming and so on.

Then in the free first column make rows and label each row with exh's phases of discovery of your the betrayal.

eg
knew of EA.
knew of PA.
knew of your wish to separate
knew of OM meeting his children.
knew of OM meeting your family

Exercise all the empathy you can and add items to that list. Not what you think what he thinks. Just the betrayals. Oh and add one more for me.
A deathbed revelation from your Uncle.

Now move along the rows for each meeting check what betrayals he knew about at each meeting. Leave it blank if he didn't know and put a ? if you can't answer. Try and find out answers to the ?

You may be able to use that chart to understand better his behaviour. Your exh unlike most BS's has never processed the panic, the hate, the anger."

Hopeful Person,

I do think you have hope. I do think all things are possible through our Lord and Savior.

I would advise the Power of a Praying Wife as reading. YOu can pray for him, do this daily.

Go to your pastor, or find a good church that offers christian counseling, this is saving my marriage.

My wh admitted today in Nov. he felt our marriage was going to be over, his heart has turned with my encouragement to please try to turn over every stone... now there is still work to be done on both of us.

We were seperated quite some time before we got in counseling and have now been seperated 18 months. Yes, I am tired of it, yes, I am very upset by the infidelity and feel a whole in my heart... but healing is there and is happening now.

I have hope for you and your marriage. No plan B... but do give your spouse the wanted space and do not push yourself on him .... they hate that.

Show love consistently... show that you are sorry and want to make things right. Show that you feel bad for what you did and want to change it and have a new and better marriage.

Get yourself in ICounseling if not already and christian or Harleys if you can.

Satan wants to destroy all of our marriages, stand firm and fight with Love and Kindness and Godliness... you can save your marriage, do not lose hope.. you are the one to stand firm for what you want to save now.

let your spouse know youa re there whenever you can and however you can... a favorite meal cooked? Even some old pictures copied as a gift?

Hugs to you and congrats to you for your efforts and remorse and love. You will be rewarded. YOu are growing and I applaud you.

Be strong, you can restore your marriage, pray to God for his help.

Take care of yourself so you don't grow weary through this process.

Hugs and Goodnite, Honey

hopeful, he's your ex, but you're going to wait 2 more years to move on with dating, etc? Why?
It's one thing to let Ex know you love him still, but to put your whole life on hold is not going to attract him back.
Sometimes, by allowing him to think you've accepted things and trying to put someone new in your life, he may be more attracted than not.
Ego says you're there whenever he wants. But if he thinks you're giving up on him, making a new life, the jealousy may raise it's head.
A little non interest in him instead of appearing to be chasing might make a difference.
Treat him like an old friend. Suggest occasionally something just as a friend such as a movie or outing together.
Don't grovel! It never works and if you did get him back, he'd treat you like a doormat most likely.
Once you've made it clear you want him back, love him, then let it sit! Perhaps he feels caged by this. So let it be, occasionally asking how he is or general inquiry might be best.
But definitely do not put your life on hold for years! He certainly will most likely not be putting his on hold for you.
Besides, you need social outlets to help you past the pain of the divorce and his non caring attitude.
God bless, LouLou

Hi H_P

I don't have much to add, but think both JL and Lou make some good points.

Do you still have communication with your X through the children, i.e. does he drop them off etc? I seem to remember that he does from time to time, so I would use these opportunities to mention family outtings, did you see X (something of interest to him), general chat and warmth.
I also see no reason not to send the odd card. Not perhaps too lovey dovey, you have done this to the best of your ability, but just to show you still care and perhaps with some general news.

I also wonder why you think you should wait 2 years before dating. Is this because you feel guilty? It may just be that you feel you need space after ending with OM, which isn't a bad thing.

Anyway, I wanted to let you know I'm still here (although a bit consumed by my current crisis!), and wishing you well from very sunny warm London (no fog for days H_P!).

Lisa

Dear H-P

In the words of Diva Tina .... "What's love go to do with it?"

He knows you love him, unless he's deaf, dumb and blind. He likely loves you as well.

Next tactic .... talk about trust and respect in you messages to him. The priest I visited after D-day told me , "Love isn't the issue now. It's how to restore the trust and respect."

He was sooooo correct.

Start sending "smart bombs" packing messages showing respect and trust.

As a recovered BS, I know .... this is where the money is!!!

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ March 25, 2003, 10:20 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Dear MB friends,
THANKS so much for replying to my plea for help. I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get back here to thank you.

I truly still need support, and you all helped so much. You continue to help me and provide me with encouragement.

~J.L.~

Thanks for your reply. You're right, Plan B makes no sense in this case.

I will send little notes now and again, signed with love. I haven't communicated at all with him really in over a week. Oh, yes, there was a home care question- and he was helpful.

As JL said, I really think consistency is the answer.

I think you're right too, that perhaps at a year or so after OM is out of the picture, he may consider I'm really interested in HIM.

Thanks for your help. I truly appreciate it! You're right. No matter what happens, I will feel better for always treating him kindly and with respect at this point.

I have thought of going to counseling that's affiliated with our church, but I haven't yet looked into it.
~OLDERANDWISER~
Thanks for responding here, too. Yes, I did see your suggestion on the other thread. I'm sorry that I didn't address it.

It sounded like a good idea. (your paper, and columns) I did a rough, quick job of it. To take more time reminds me too much of my job. Anyway, seriously, OLDER- there really isn't a pattern of behavior here that coincides with his knowledge of OM and the affair. It's been more like a roller coaster.

Right after D-Day, two months after- I asked him for a chance. He said no. A week later, he came here to ask my advice on a huge career move. He was nice right after that, at a grad party for DD. Then he withdrew, got friendlier--etc. A year ago he agreed to go with me on some 'dates'. Then he withdrew after that. You see, it is like he doesn't know what to do. He doesn't feel safe. Finally, he still have lots of stuff here at the house. I've never told him to take it out of here. He has never gotten the photos, either. It's like he's in a limbo land of not wanting to deal with this.

Not to make this 'trite', but he even admitted a few months ago that he was being selfish now. I think, in a way, he's in his own Midlife Crisis. Just my idea.

Finally, Older, I don't feel sick with guilt anymore. I feel deep regret, but I've come to terms with it. The affair wasn't about simply, as you said, "illicit sexual attraction". It was more complex than that. I get your point, however.

Finally, I will not tell my children the whole truth. That, to me, is ridiculous at this point. They are smart enough , I'm sure, to have figured it out enough. I see no point in dredging that all up.

They know me as a decent human who made a heinous mistake. I don't feel the need for that huge lapse in my sanity to define who I am, to my children.

I appreciate the idea about the Uncle's deathbed revelation. However, he died suddenly , there were nothing said to his own children. My life wouldn't be the topic of his last conversations, now way! Finally, Uncle and exH largely discussed engineering ideas, hometown news, and that sort of thing. As I've mentioned before, we're from a culture that is extremely stoic and close-mouthed about personal stuff.

Thanks, Older, for the help you've given me. I appreciate you always!

~~Honey--

Thanks for your assistance and compassion. I will purchase that book. A co-worker mentioned it to me as well.

I pray for all the best in your marriage , too. You've been separated a long time, yes. It sounds like things are looking up for you! Thanks for your prayers and encouragement.

~~Lady Lou~~
Thanks for your reply, too. It's good to hear from you. I am waiting with the dating for a few reasons.
1) I love my husband. (oops, ex) I don't want to date anyone as this would be wrong for me, AND it would be leading someone else on.
2) It would hurt my husband. He'd think , "SEe, she doesn't love me anyway. She just needs a MAN. I'm now no longer the wanted man, AGAIN>"

I don't consider it putting my life on hold. I am very fulfilled by my children, my job, and other interests, hobbies, friends, and a renewed interest in my church and activities there. My main concern is my children. They are GLAD I'm not dating, I'm sure of that.

Lou, I know that for some men the 'jealous' thing might work. It won't work for my exH. He never acted 'jealous' or 'fought' for me when we were married, separated- and he learned of OM. He sure wouldn't now. He's never been the jealous type. Just his way- he certainly didn't show it, if he was.

The main reason though- is I LOVE EX-Husband. No interest in other men.

He hasn't dated in the past 2 1/2 years, when we separated. I don't see him doing so in the near future, either.

Finally, if he chooses to date- that doesn't change how I feel about him. I will wait, still. He deserves to have me put my life on hold for him, as I certainly did what I wanted at the end of our marriage.

Thanks, LadyLou. I appreciate your time and ideas. Yes, exH has had some uncaring attitude, on the surface. I know though that deep down he does care, and he HAS done many caring things, too. I love him despite how he's acted at times.

LISA IN London ,

Thanks for your words, as well.

I do wish to wait two years with dating due to my kids, yes, AND because I love my exH.

All I could do was compare OM to ExH . ExH always came out ahead. No one will compare to exH, to me. That's just how I feel, we share so many years and life experiences.

I've followed your thread a bit. It sounds like you've had quite a time. Please take care of yourself.

~~Pepperband~~,

What good advice! I'll remember that, trust AND respect. And you said, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He knows you love him, unless he's deaf, dumb and blind. He likely loves you as well.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I pray that the man does have love for me, somewhere in his heart.

I will send some of those missives, loaded with trust and respect.

Rly,
I saw you and MarathonMan answered me too on a thread your started, I'll answer over there so I can refer back to your words.

Take care-thanks to all of you!! It meant so much to me that you all responded. I couldn't make it without you!
H-P

Hopeful Person,

So glad you are feeling better. I am sorry it is so hard.

Pepper is very right about the trust issues. They know you love them, and we know they love us.... rebuild that trust and do your part and that will help your spouse do his.

I am sorry for your pain. Do all you can to build yourself up now, do things for you... that will help energize you for your efforst with your marriage and the inevitable hard times.

Have hope and faith, Honey

Hi H_P,

Haven't been on for a long time and wanted to see how you are doing. Sounds like you are coping and that is good. If that is all you can do now it's okay.

H_P I know that you have been through a living hell. None of us here can really speak to what the other is facing except in general terms. I know your husband has been through hell too. I don't know what is worse to be in a hell of your own making or to be dragged in screaming.

I would really like you to keep an open mind as to all the advice you have been given, and it is good. I know a lot of advice I got I couldn't process when it was given but, alot of things I thought would never happen, or make sense, have come to pass and make sense now. I can't believe how my life and feelings have changed in a year. If you told me a year ago I would be happier than I have been in years today I would have called you a liar. No one knows what will happen 1 yr or even 1 minute from now.

Please don't limit yourself. I would hate to have you feel guilty because you haven't lived up to a certain goal or timeline of things that you have no control over.

I felt like a failure for a long time because no matter what I did it didn't work, didn't matter, but now I know I gave it my best and in doing that I finished the process I needed to finish to begin healing. You are still in that process. Follow your heart and do what you need to do. If you want to hang on now. Hang on. If you want to give up. Give up. You WILL know. Trust your own feelings. I know that is hard because your feelings betrayed you before. Is there a fear that this might happen again?

Also, and I don't mean this in a disrespectful way. Do you feel like you have to put yourself through hell to make up for what you've done? Are you intentionally or unintentionally making yourself miserable? I realize you have to feel guilt to repent. I know you do. But I don't think it does any good to constantly beat yourself up and feel as if you don't deserve some happiness. I think others might feel as if I am not hard enough on you. I don't have to be. I know you are hard enough on yourself.

Well I gotta go. Take care of yourself and best of luck to you.

Sharon

Honey and Sharon,
Thanks for your replies. I haven't been coming here much lately. I'm very busy with some home improvement projects, and my hobby . (it's an art one) Also the kids are keeping me hopping, not to mention work.

I'm keeping the faith, Honey...Thanks!

Sharon,
Nice surprise to hear from you. I appreciate your support incredibly.

I appreciate your words on not limiting myself, indeed. I feel only the need to simply be me, with my children, without thinking of a new man in my life. Were you alluding to that? I wasn't sure. I feel that the entanglement with OM was devastating in many ways. I need to clear that out of my system. It was a very odd relationship he and I had--the most oddly intense of my life. Need to clear that out, completely. It was dependency beyond dependency. You're right..my feelings betrayed me before--but I don't fear that will happen again. I knew all along that OM was a disaster--me with him--but it was almost like I had no control over it. That sounds lame, but that's how it was for me. I would think, "This man is a liar...but I'm going along for the ride..to see what happens." Sounds crazy, yes. Well, I saw what happens...disaster through and through.

The main thing is though that I still deeply love my exhusband. I can't be open to much else until that feeling/hope ends for me.

You said,

"Also, and I don't mean this in a disrespectful way. Do you feel like you have to put yourself through hell to make up for what you've done? Are you intentionally or unintentionally making yourself miserable? I realize you have to feel guilt to repent. I know you do. But I don't think it does any good to constantly beat yourself up and feel as if you don't deserve some happiness.
I think others might feel as if I am not hard enough on you. I don't have to be. I know you are hard enough on yourself."

Thanks for that! I am hard on myself, and I've come to terms with what I did. I really don't make myself miserable at all. I'm quite a happy person. I simply miss my exhusband,and I see what I lost.

I spent hours yesterday cleaning some of his old work space here at our house. He still has lots of things here, and he's been gone 2 1/2 years. It made me feel sad to be where he'd spent so much time, but also hopeful that he'd return someday and be amongst it all again. And if he doesn't, I feel it's his loss, too.

He's been out of town on business for weeks. Before he left, I let him know that if he wanted to call just to talk while he was away--no strings attached-- to go ahead as I knew traveling would/could be lonely. I've not heard from him. I'm sure I won't. It's his loss too, in the end..isn't it?

How are you doing? You sound wonderful..I'm so glad to hear from you.

Take care,
H_P

Hi H_P,

You sound wonderful too. I was glad to read your response. It sounds like you really know what you want and have no problems waiting to see what happens. I guess that is what I meant about limiting yourself. Not so much about another person in your life, but, just life in general. Perhaps, as I said, limiting for the sake of making yourself pay for what youv'e done.

It sounds like you have really come along way. I am glad that you are happy and busy. Being busy really helps.

I do have a little advice for you however. I just got an e-mail from my H about some tax stuff. I was reading it and it struck me how little, if any, connection I feel with him anymore. His dad died a few weeks ago and at the funeral it was like he was a casual acquaintance. It got me to thinking that IF, (btw, not going to happen), he was ever to try to come back it would definitely be back to square one as far as I'm concerned. I say this to give you some hope, not to dash it. Maybe it is the same with your ex. You just need time to rebuild. My H has only been gone a year. And our d is not final yet (sometime this month) but I don't feel any closeness or need to be with him. I would say you are on the right track in what you are doing with your ex. If you can give it the time...... Who knows?????

Thanks for asking how I am doing. I am doing great. I came to terms with my situation back in Jan. It has been all uphill since then. And I mean rapidly uphill. I met a wonderful man about a week after I set my mind on a new life and he makes me very happy. He is not the reason I am happy, but as my daughter puts it "He is a happy helper." We are fairly serious (I know red flag alert) But we are getting to know each other, and taking everything one step at a time. He has never been married, BONUS POINTS, so he is cautious, probably enough for both of us. The whole thing really blind-sided me. I never thought I would feel this way about someone again. Especially not this soon.

Well I hope this post finds you well. I will check back from time to time. I am really out of touch with the board. So many new sad stories.

Well guess I will go to bed. I'm beat. Take care.

Sharon

Thanks, Sharon, for your response.

It's interesting to see how much better things are going for me, even since my posting that was first on this thread back in late March.

I do feel less connected to exH now. I have to be realistic. This man wants nothing to do with me. In the end, this many sound egotistical now...in the end, I think it's his loss, too. I did mess up big time, but overall he refuses to see me for who I am. He has refused to see his role in any of this. His words will haunt me, forever--"I'd rather see you cheat, than get a divorce."---"Go ahead and meet the guy from the internet, just don't let me know about him." Are these words of a loving husband? Seriously, there is a part of me that think he WANTED me to do this, as he didn't have the guts to leave the marriage on his own, without a strong push from me.

Intimacy was always an issue in our marriage. He could NEVER tell me he wanted me, or needed me. He didn't show it much, either. I think he's happier alone, as now he doesn't have any 'demands' on him at all.

I was fortunate to have some time off lately. I spent the time working on my art hobby, visiting with a few girlfriends, and cleaning up things around my home. It has never looked this good! I feel like I've come out of the dark, in a way. I see now how truly depressed I was, a few months ago. I don't know how I was able to make strides and get promotions at work, but my home environment/atmosphere was a bit lacking.

ExH was out of town lately. I sent one last long email proclaiming my love for him, and hoping he would return. He answered it by answering my question in the email about a practical house matter, and didn't even address the other stuff, at all. I decided that was the LAST time I send such a note. At this point, I'm done. Does this make sense? I am tired of trying, trying. During our marriage, there was also a lot of 'begging' for affection and conversation. I'm done. The children are doing great, and I feel I've given this my best shot.

I'm glad you are happy, Sharon. I hope for all the best with you, and I'm glad you've found a great man to share your time with. You are a mature woman who I'm sure knows her mind and what's right for you. It sounds like your kids like him, and that is of paramount importance. I'll be totally blunt here, as I would with a close girlfriend. The fact that he's never been married might scare me a bit. (that's the only yellow-caution flag for me) That is to say, it's good he doesn't have the exwife baggage, etc, but I'd be worried that he doesn't want a committment, ever. Just my 2 cents, but then I could be way wrong in saying that. JL married later (mid thirties?-not considered so late nowadays) , and so have a few of my 'real life' women acquaintances. Matter of fact, many do. On the other hand, a friend of mine who's 44 and never has been married has been dating a confirmed bachelor for four years. He's the same age as her. I don't think he'll ever marry her. Sharon, I only say that as I don't want to see you get hurt!

Again, thanks to all here who've helped so much.

God bless,
H_P

Hi H_P

I am truly glad to hear you sounding so strong and content.

We will always live with our actions, and sometimes the inability of our H's, XH's or STBX's to see that we are all human, and have our faults. Some of us want to prove so much that we are still worthy, but they don't want to know. And we may just have to accept that. I was reminded of this with your e-mail. I sent a short similar note to H saying how sad I was and I wish we could talk - he just ignored it completely. I hope one day his pain becomes manageable that we can again talk, but sometimes I doubt that.

So H_P, I'm glad to hear you "enjoying" your life. I think you are right, it will be your H's loss, because one day you will meet someone else and want to move forward. You are too decent, caring and insightful to not have men chasing after you when you are ready <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Wishing you well, and thinking of you as ever in London.

Lisa

H_P-

Good to hear from you and read that you've spent some time doing things you enjoy! It really looks like you've come a long way in just a few short months and I'm happy for you! And I think you're doing the right thing by not contacting your XH as much and "moving on" in some ways. I know in my sitch I've been getting the feeling lately that my XW is wanting to know more about what I'm up to as she's sent some cards, stopped by the house, etc. There's something about giving up the chase that stops people from running...Anyway, not sure if that's what you want or even if that's a good thing but good luck regardless.

Thanks for your thoughts, Lisa and Litchfield!

I appreciate it very much.

I'm feeling much better. Bit of a downer this morning as I dreamed of being with exH again last night. Haven't had such a dream in a week or so, but I guess it's going to be this way for a long, long time.

Lisa,
Your husband and mine actually sound a lot alike in many ways. My exH has ignored anything emotional I've said since the beginning of all this. IT's like he's turned into a rock that can't be bothered with feeling anything. He doesn't even bother calling the kids much, he is so detached from everyone.

Thanks for the compliments. I do want to have a man to love again someday. I truly prefer having a partner, to being alone. BUT-better alone than with someone who isn't right for me. That I truly believe. We all know people who bop from one person to another, never taking a second to breathe. That isn't a good course of action at all.

Litchfield,
Your name still is very ironic to me. I can't really explain why here-but just know that it is a twist of irony! (I so value my anonymity here-in my line of work I wouldn't want ANYONE knowing what I'd done, in my personal life!)

Anyway, I am much happier now. I think anyone could tell that by simply walking in my home. It sounds cliche, but I think that when you see disorder and piles of stuff lying around--when that's NOT how the person normally is--that's a sure sign there's a bit of depression going on, or some emotional upset. Nothing mattered to me, for awhile. My home didn't seem like a home, for awhile...everything was too messed up for me.

I have given up 'chasing' this man. I'm tired of it. I will continue to sign emails with 'love', but that's it.

Thanks for your support and kindness, Litchfield.

And thanks to all of you who've been so helpful and kind these past months!

Take care,
H_P

Hi H_P,

I was glad to read your response. And your advice. I was a little worried abouthim not being ever married too. But he knows there will be no long term uncommited relationship with me. We'll see what happens. I'm not in a hurry.

Boy, you sound different. Don't be surprized if your new resolve weakens. It happened to me a few times before I really knew what I wanted. But you sound stronger. And don't let anyone make you feel guilty about that. You do deserve someone who loves you. I am not saying that can't be your ex. but he has to want it too. It is interesting how you talk about him pushing you to the affair as an excuse out. I have had similar thoughts about some of the things my H (NOW EX as of Ap 2)
did during the last year of our marriage. I think he wanted me to divorce him so he wouldn't be the bad guy. So I wouldn't discount your theory. Although I don't think anyone wants to be cheated on, we do strange things when we don't know what to do.

Well I gotta get ready for work. I will check in on you. Meanwhile take care and care for the ones you love. You can't go wrong in that.

Sharon

HP!!!

WOW....sounds like you are starting to get strong. It takes time and you'll fall back into the grey again, but it gets better.

Yes, you are working yourself out of your depression. Now...take the time to print all of your posts out. Go back and read EVERYTHING.

This will open your eyes more than you realize.

Much love and hugs to you.

Thanks, Sharon and K. for responding! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

It's taken me awhile to get back here and respond in return. I find that I'm spending less time here, and more time doing other things. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Sharon , you said to me: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Boy, you sound different. Don't be surprized if your new resolve weakens. It happened to me a few times before I really knew what I wanted. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You're right. My resolve does weaken. After that posting here last week I had to call my exH for something. After hearing his voice (a week ago tonight, I believe it was) I got off the phone and cried for a long time. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I truly miss him. I miss everything about him, and I'm still dreaming of him. I sent him a 'sappy' email this weekend, the day before Easter. He never responds, but I guess I still persist. I want him to know I love him, however crazy that may sound to many.

You said about your now exhusband: [QUOTE] I think he wanted me to divorce him so he wouldn't be the bad guy. So I wouldn't discount your theory. Although I don't think anyone wants to be cheated on, we do strange
things when we don't know what to do. [QUOTE]

I still think there is some degree of truth there.

Kily,
Yes, I'm stronger but with shades of weakness--indeed. It gets very hard at times. I miss him so much that I literally ache at times. It's the kind of grief I felt when I lost my sibling unexpectantly.

Tonight while driving home from work I missed exH so much I could have cried , again. It's like my life took a horrible turn, and now I want it back how it was. But that's not meant to be. All I can do is move forward, and hopefully I've learned from my mistake.

I want to just show up at his apartment, but I still haven't done that. I don't want to beg for love. He knows I love him, and I'm waiting. Isn't that enough? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Take care everyone,
H_P

H_P-

Hey, you sound good so stay the course and things will work out for you. You know, when I get in those moods you described where the sadness starts to feel overwhelming, I try to think of things on a shorter time scale. Know what I mean? You sound reflective and I've found that if I consciously limit the time I spend thinking about "what if's" with the X, it seems to help. Good luck and god bless!