Chris already answer about your previous post, yes it is mixed message indeed. Well, you were convident that you "did not" create the environment or "fixed" all his complaint about you. It is time to look for plan B or tough love. One with NC and the other with full contact but both refuse to fillin ENs
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by A.M.Martin:
<strong>This one would not get "pissed off" with Plan B. I don't think it would make much of a dent. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He would, how dare you stop his stream of ENs comming from you!. With or without plan B, he probably complaint about you to OW and defend his position in front of other anyway. The "dent" is let him miss the ENs that you fill and hope OW isn't equipped to fill it. IMVHO. Judging from his history, I would not do plan A. I would lay low while reviewing your plan A, drafting plan B letter, plan B logistic, and the impact of A in the day light. Give it a few weeks then served him with plan B letter. Don't turn away your S, he got nothing to do with this !. Don't bad mouth his dad and answer his question truthfully with fact. Let him know whatever happen he still could count you as mom.

Good Luck. -rh-

I will be laying low. Opinion of the "opinion leaders" now swinging against me -- what a ***** wife I must have been to attract this! I've been told that I'm a rejected wife and to deal with it. I'm scared there won't be a meltdown now -- just a slow descent. I'll be drafting Plan B letter meantime -- but really, I don't think it will have any effect at all. He's into his own thing. He's very self-absorbed. Don't understand distinction you make between "tough love" and Plan B -- elucidation?

More similiarlity between ToughLove and plan B. Both calls for drawing the boundry, reject to fillin ENs and set WS free. The diference are plan B require plan B letter and NC while ToughLove doesn't. I personally don't like ToughLove since you have to have strong stomach not to LB and even reverse babbled when your H babble to you .. since one of his EN might be emotional support on his actions. Most of BS can't do that. -rh-

I'll be drafting Plan B letter meantime -- but really, I don't think it will have any effect at all.
Plan B has VERY little to do with him and almost EVERYTHING to do with you. This helps you to detach and withdraw without having to deal with any crap from him.

If you continue to “put up” with everything, it drains the love bank much quicker and pushes it into the negative.

Plan B drains it slower & lets you decide when you want to end it without being “forced” by his uncaring actions. It lessens the trauma involved in divorce.

It puts YOU in the drivers seat of your own actions. You do not have to act or react to anything he does because you will not have any contact.

Post the Plan B letter here before you give it to him so we can give a few pointers.

<small>[ March 26, 2003, 06:44 PM: Message edited by: Chris (CA123) ]</small>

Is there any point doing a Plan B letter when the WS is actually living with OP? Maybe a couple weeks will tell me how it's going -- and maybe I can get a string of pearls out of it.

Latest outrage about stepson's birthday: H alaready arranged for all three sons to have dinner at his place with OW. Jeez! How tacky! To bring your teenage kids to the place where you've been shacking up with your new mistress for a few days!

Couldn't he have taken them to a pizza place instead!

My resident stepson explained that his brothers are confused about who I actually am in their lives right now. He has lived with me for a year or two, but they never did. They feel: Now what am I to them????

Listen I am going to 2x4 you ... Do you want your H ? You should review your plan A with honesty to yourself or get someone very close in both of you personally (not socially) to review it.

Again I would be glad if I were you that WH brought sons to OW. I thought OW is a nuts case, you want everyone to see her with your WH. How is your relationship with the other sons ? estranged or very close ?. I would hope you have good and close relationship with them not with grudge as the woman that stole their dad.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>My resident stepson explained that his brothers are confused about who I actually am in their lives right now. He has lived with me for a year or two, but they never did. They feel: Now what am I to them????</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are who you want to be. Who are you to them before this A ? Step mom ?, dad's wife ? or the woman that stole their dad ?. Then right now you should be that person in their life unless you giving it up.

- rh -

<small>[ March 27, 2003, 01:31 AM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

Hello Redhat,

I thought you thought I should knock off Plan A? There's not much to review, as contact has been minimal. Pleasant, but, for example, I didn't return his call tonight. (He offered to loan us his car, which we might be able to use, but the offer is kind of disgusting. This man runs over me and leaves me dead on the highway, then offers me his AAA card.) Plan A has been pretty impeccable. No LBs, certainly. Again, what do you think I should be doing of Plan A, given so little contact? (He's taken off his wedding ring.)

I thought you all thought I should be laying low, and thinking about Plan B letter.

Relationship with resident stepson pretty good. Non-resident okay. The kids aren't close to their father, for obvious reasons -- and this affects their closeness to me. His gestures to them are occasional and superficial. It's been hard for me to cut into that too much. No they don't see me as the woman who stole their dad at all. Relationship with their mother, Wife #1, also strained, because she has been strained as single mother of three.

But resident stepson, daughter, H and I really had forged a family unit. Kind of amazing. My best efforts will go to piecing that back together again.

OW may not be such an obvious nut case as people think. I've heard some nervous-making stuff, but have little firsthand knowledge. Stories of odd behavior, a nervous breakdown in the past. Just don't know how she will seem to them -- but the inappropriateness of H having them meet her three days after he moved in! What on earth are the kids to think?

Hello Redhat,

I thought you thought I should knock off Plan A? There's not much to review, as contact has been minimal. Pleasant, but, for example, I didn't return his call tonight. (He offered to loan us his car, which we might be able to use, but the offer is kind of disgusting. This man runs over me and leaves me dead on the highway, then offers me his AAA card.) Plan A has been pretty impeccable. No LBs, certainly. Again, what do you think I should be doing of Plan A, given so little contact? (He's taken off his wedding ring.)

I thought you all thought I should be laying low, and thinking about Plan B letter.

Relationship with resident stepson pretty good. Non-resident okay. The kids aren't close to their father, for obvious reasons -- and this affects their closeness to me. His gestures to them are occasional and superficial. It's been hard for me to cut into that too much. No they don't see me as the woman who stole their dad at all. Relationship with their mother, Wife #1, also strained, because she has been strained as single mother of three.

But resident stepson, daughter, H and I really had forged a family unit. Kind of amazing. My best efforts will go to piecing that back together again.

OW may not be such an obvious nut case as people think. I've heard some nervous-making stuff, but have little firsthand knowledge. Stories of odd behavior, a nervous breakdown in the past. Just don't know how she will seem to them -- but the inappropriateness of H having them meet her three days after he moved in! What on earth are the kids to think?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by A.M.Martin:
<strong>I thought you thought I should knock off Plan A? There's not much to review, as contact has been minimal.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I just want you to review it to see if there is anything that is unchecked. Plan A is not about contact, it about you. I want you to really undertand that. Yes, I want you to lay low and take this time to review your plan A and draft Plan B.

About you SS. It is unfortunate that WH took this actions and has been not available emotionally to them. You know that your SS have a very high chances to be come a cheather themself. Just be there if they need you. WH actions as low and as crazy as it is, you have no control of it and it is not your responsibility.

-rh-

Is there any point doing a Plan B letter when the WS is actually living with OP?
??? Yes, because he is having an affair and actually living with op.

If his living with the op is acceptable to you and a valid part of your needs and valid part of your marrriage, then no, you should not send the letter.

<small>[ March 27, 2003, 01:39 PM: Message edited by: Chris (CA123) ]</small>