Don't know why I'm so detached either. Maybe because OW really is weird, so there is a surreality to the whole thing. It's kind of like my husband ran off with the local bag lady. How seriously could you take it.

Don't know divorce is right. Certainly won't be easy. I don't want to fight with H, and have had a near-flawless Plan A (insofar as their is any contact) for awhile now. A divorce will certainly not be Plan A, and I prefer Plan A to facing off the man I love in a legal proceeding.

I still love H, but he sure does expect one to eat a lot of crap for the privilege. I honestly don't know how recovery would happen -- but since it's not an option, at this point, I don't worry about it.

He's so messed up it would really take a miracle to turn things rightside-up again. But I'm not one to rule out miracles. Just don't know if one is in the works, or what my role in it might be.

<small>[ April 09, 2003, 06:32 PM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

A.M>M.
Been following your thread and Know exactly how you are feeling. Friends and Family think I'm crazy for still wanting my WH back after all the things he's said and done over the past few months.
Even a Counselor has said "Are you sure you want this guy back?" Of course the million dollor question!
It's hard to describe "Fog Behaviour" to them or to expect them to understand that WH is not recognizable as the person you love/loved. We are still in love with that Pre-fog, Pre-A guy.
I'm holding out on the D for now. He claims he wants one but hasnt made any moves in that direction except to suggest a Do-It-Yourself D for $6o. NO WAY!
I'm not sure I'll get the "miracle" we need either, but I know from the experiences seen on this site that it can happen. And knowing the deep love and respect for one another that we had not long ago, I have to hope that he will someday soon remember and feel that again.
I just hope it is not too late for all of us.
Hang in there, go with your gut and your heart and try not to take to heart the opinions of well-meaning friends and family. They care about us and don't want to see us hurt over and over.
And I'm with you on feeling that I don't want to start another relationship at age 43 with 3 out of 4 kids still at home. Although the thought of feeling loved and cared for again sure is tempting....but I don't ever want to be in this position again...

Thank you, Learnin. I am in love with the pre-fog guy. I'm actually in love with the guy I see now, who's come alive for someone else. I wish he had been that alive for me recently! Depressing, but one moves on.

It occurred to me during insomnia bout last night that I may have my answer -- but that I just do not like it and am waiting for other signals. Maybe he won't come out of this. Don't know when to give up. Oh well, only 2-1/2 weeks since he moved in with OW, though it seems an eternity has passed.

I'm hoping I'll know when to give up. And like you, every few days I'm pretty sure that I should. But then I have a good day, an in control of my emotions day and I think "I can do this a while longer", it's not over yet.
Last night was not a good night, after arguing with Teenage Son, I thought, I can't do this anymore, maybe I'm not the best mom I can be for these kids, maybe it would be easier to just give up and actually suggest kids go with WH. But that's CRAZY and it was just my own little pity party going on.
Today is a new day, the sun is shining, the kids are happy and healthy for the most part, I'm laughing at work with my co-workers and I'm feeling better already. Tomorrow, who knows...?
One day at a time..
Today WH should be at the house by the time I get home from work. I always get worked up on days like this but I'm trying to remain calm. He'll be spending the night, 1st time in a while and I need to stay cool...easier said than done.
This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but you know that.
Without this site and the feedback, I'd truly be a mess...or more of one anyways!

Well, my contact with H is very minimal -- which hampers Plan A a lot, but saves me a lot of pain, too. I swing both ways on the D issue, depending on hour and day. I really think he's in a crazy situation, with a crazy person, and am waiting to see how that unfolds. Not that the result will necessarily be "good for me," in the sense of happy endings, but I really don't have a clear insight about what is happening NOW. It's too weird to get a handle on. Jumping to D seems terribly reactive (today, anyway, right now).

AMM:

You made some good points that could be used to justify not doing anything rash at this time. Since he's out, you're not living with the pain in your face every day, and you don't have to feel like you're "pretending" or walking on eggshells to "do" your plan A. You also don't want to gloat over the craziness of his current situation, which shows me that you're a good person, compassionate even under the present circumstances and considering the people involved. All this gives you time for quiet reflection.

So, maybe there's no fire? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

♥Qfwfq

Well, sometimes it feels like there's a fire, sometimes not...but thank you, I'm trying not to gloat. One of the worst LBs is "I told you so." H just won't listen to anyone. Another reason for not gloating is that, for all I know, he could wind up happily married to OW for twenty years. Stranger things have happened, though I'd be willing to bet heavily against it. The break-up could happen long after my patience has worn out.