Nick

If she went straight to OM, this would affect what you could give her. I was told that if H moves in with OW, although I couldn't take into account what she earns, it would be considered because his outgoings would be shared. Remember that.

Nick, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I understand totally how it feels. It is horrible horrible horrible. Picking over the bones of your life etc.

I also said and agree with Deluded, would you be prepared to be primary carer for your D? As you probably remember, Neil (Porche) is for his 3 Ds, and whilst demanding, it is rewarding. I am not suggesting for one moment that your W is like his, but it was her A, why should you be the one to loose. Actually, other than your D (who of course you will never loose in the truest sense), I feel you will be the one that comes out of this the best.

Wishing you well from very sunny roasting hot north London.
Lisa

<small>[ April 17, 2003, 06:01 AM: Message edited by: Lisa in London ]</small>

Nick-

I apologize if this has already been covered, but can there be any "fault" assigned with Divorce in the UK? In the US, some states take into account certain types of marital misconduct while others don't. I guess what I'm asking is whether having legal evidence of her A would provide you with any leverage in possible negotiations for assets?

I also remember how you mentioned the significance of A's in her culture so I wonder what kind of effect documented proof would have on her. It's a two-edged sword but in my case I think it helped her be a little more "reasonable" and willing to compromise.

Lisa - re. 'primary carer': my WW would not want that, and slugging it out in a court would only yield a very predictable result. The reasonable solution is for me to have visitation rights - maybe weekends or something.

Litchfield - Yes, as a matter of fact, in the UK you *have* to assign blame for a divorce. Interestingly, infidelity is only a reason if you file for divorce within 6 months of discovery (because otherwise it's considered that you accept it implicitly). However, you can then continue to go for 'unreasonable behaviour', which requires a listing of examples, one of which will then of course be 'infidelity'. So that means, who files first will assign blame first. If she was to file first, then she would file based on 'unreasonable behaviour' listing all the reasons why I am Attila the Hun reincarnated, the affair wouldn&#8217;t be mentioned.

Despite all this legal bulls***, I'm actually quite fine. Again, any outcome is better than status quo.

Yeah, I guess you're right on custody stuff.

Listen, a suggestion for you (not one of mine though), is it worth a second opinion? Remember when I went to see the first Solicitor she told me a completely different story to the fella that I have now appointed to act on my behalf. When I went to see her I felt she was dis-interested and just going through the motions. She even told me that the pension issue wasn't relevant, whereas my Solicitor has said it is key/crucial.

It's just a thought. Was this person recommended to you or did you just find them? The person I see is in Bishops Stortford (my friend recommended him), but I can honestly say that after seeing him, I will get him to deal with as much as possible - the first woman I had no confidence in.

Just a thought. Although I have to say your strong and positive attitude is uplifting.

Lisa

P.S. Think I might have to catch some rays this afternoon, too good to miss....

Thanks for the advice Lisa - the solicitor seemed competent enough, she's with a reputable law firm and she specialises in family law, especially with regard to black belt situations (assets abroad etc).
BTW - you wrote earlier "If she went straight to OM, this would affect what you could give her". True, that's right. That way, her needs would be less. And should she re-marry, mainenance claims would cease anyway.

OK, enough of the legal stuff. I know now the situation, bottom line remains that (1) I would have to pay for it all, as it's strictly needs based, regardless of who's to blame and why it happened. Full stop. and (2) still, a separation (eventual divorce) are preferable to current situation and (3) hey, it's only money, so why bother and (4) maybe there will be a happy end with our relationship, who knows.

<small>[ April 17, 2003, 09:32 AM: Message edited by: Nick123 ]</small>

Well, good for you Nick, it seems that you are clear about the information you have got and know how to handle it. It is a very nasty situation and one that you never wanted to find yourself in. If you can continue to take the "higher moral ground" and protect yourself emotionally, that is better. Emotions are a far higher premium than loss of money.

Keep us posted, and enjoy the lovely weather this bank holiday weekend. You are an inspiration to many here with your great attitude and positive spirit.

Lisa

P.S. Point 4, if not her, you may meet the woman of your dreams who is a millionaire anyway, so hey, you're right, only money!!!