In re: to claireb's post

I exposed-CONFESSED the A to my H after it was over. (Read my 1st post) OM inititiated ending the affair after his W filed for D (because she was BI and unhappy) (which is why he needed someone like me in the first place-he was too much of a coward to leave her until it was forced upon him) Then, since he had no choice in the matter but to become single again, and was free to see whomever he wanted, he basically no longer needed or wanted me in his life. (To him, I apparantly wasn't worth waiting for either)

In retrospect, I see I was disallusioned. Talk about fog. I lost my faith in the power and meaning of love...through not only his actions but mine also. Hence some of what I 'compromised'
in my disallusionment ....and, in part, the reason for my anger...at myself and at him.

The price I have paid is immense. I really loved him...and for what???

At least in the aftermath, I see "true love" demonstrated through my H. Even after all I have put him through in coming clean, his love remains strong. I know I am lucky to still have him....and I do try to draw strength from that.

Dear Breeney3,

This is a process. You are processing. Be patient with yourself.

You said: "I wish he knew what he and this has done to me." ..... WHY is this important to you? This remark of yours repesents a yearning for a connection to OM .... even a connection made of pain, or anger ..... any old connection will do. What part of this remark is about healing your emotional abyss with your husband? (answer: no part) This shows a lingering selfishness that contaminates your current marriage. If OM "knew" how hurt you are .... HOW does that heal your marriage? (Not at all is the answer) This yearning for OM to know how you feel, is a yearning to be known intimately by him. Turn yourself around whenever you begin to indulge yourself selfishly with this desire to be intimate with OM once more understanding your "feelings". He has no business knowing your feelings. He is gone. You'll just have to own these feelings by yourself. This is part of becoming an authentic woman. Being with your feelings, and not needing validation from anyone .... you feel hurt and angry, irregardless of who knows about it.

You also said: "To him I apparantly wasn't worth waiting for."..... So what? Again, looking for validation of your worth as a woman from the perspective of this "taker" .... means what exactly? (means nothing)Your value of being someone worth waiting for is right before you. Your dear husband apparently thinks you are worth waiting for!(The same husband whom you mention only in passing , as you reference where your OM was or was not in your life)

Are you, or are you not a woman worth waiting for? Give me YOUR opinion?

((( HUGS )))

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ April 22, 2003, 03:40 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Pepper!You are awesome-read some of my threads/posts whatever you want to call them-"therapists"make good money on all the great advice you just gave Breeney3--wow!what's my problem, 1 year later my H still sticks by me
after he's been humiliated and to top it off has
to occassionally pass by that man in the road (I
know he's gloating)(self-absorbed user)--I sometimes too want him to contact me?!For what?
I ask myself, he would never tell the truth anyway-so what does it matter--if what he told me was genuine why stop contact with me after it was exposed-when you "love" someone don't you want everyone to know.Okay I'm rambling-Breeney3 this
is great advice-I agree process what's happened to you-take 1 day at a time.

Yes Pepper I am worth waiting for. And I am very grateful for my dear H. If I appear to 'mention him in passing'...it's not meant to be misinterpreted. I am just dealing. I need time.

I don't know why I think a simple "I'm sorry" would provide me with peace... or why I need to sense remorse from him...or why I sometimes feel vengeful and would find satisfaction in knowing he hurts. He doesn't deserve my energies, thoughts or emotions. Who cares what the "user" thinks. Your post was helpful, Thankyou.

"Yes Pepper I am worth waiting for."

Damn straight you are !!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

"I don't know why I think a simple "I'm sorry" would provide me with peace."... If only it were that easy! Peace is something you've got to wait for. It is like "grace" for me. (For me, peace and grace only arrive when I sit still and stop chasing. Peace and Grace are gifts.)

This O-man has no more power over your feeling "peace" than he does anything else within your soul. People here often speak of "closure", and I think that may be what you're alluding to. I don't believe there is a single "act" that provides "closure". It is more gradual than that. It is a fading. A letting go. You are capable of doing all of this yourself, even if OM does nothing but sit on his rump and eats kumquats for the rest of his life. He has nothing to do with YOUR internal peace.

Bless you. Be patient. It will take a very long time to reclaim yourself. What you lost is no small thing.

Pepper

<small>[ April 22, 2003, 05:14 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Breeny .... you still around?

Are you OK?