Dear Cadet,

Hugz of support from the South Bay. Through your post, I could feel the tears. You did well though and I am quite proud of you.

I agree with 2L: "It ain't over. This journey has just really begun for you, SC... ...and us! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> "

Let us know how we can help.

L.

Dear Spacecase,

I had to fight back the tears when I read your post - I, too, have followed your struggle to save your marriage from the beginning and I know how hard you have worked, and how worried you have been about your now XW. You are a brave man, SC, and a BIG man with a BIG heart - we all have our faults and, if we are honest, we all know that there were things that, with hindsight, we know we could have done better, or wish we could have known about earlier, but we can't go back to fix those things - we can only go on and try to do better next time, even if our efforts sometimes fall flat.

My overwhelming feeling is that your wife is still living in her fantasy world, without realizing how much she actually relied on you - she would never grow up until the props had been taken away - you have done that now, and from now on, she is going to start having to come to terms with the life she has chosen. My instinct is that it is only now, from now on, that you have a chance of seeing anything positive grow out of this. You have been a real inspiration to me, watching you grow yourself through all of this - you are a father your children can be proud of. Because you have been generous in your heart and in your actions, you have left the door open for reconciliation, should she ever "come to her senses". That is always possible. I have an uncle who re-married his first wife after many years apart, and they are happy as clams, now in their 70's together - such things do happen.

I just want you to know that I am sorry that it has had to come to this. Have you got something lined up in terms of having the kids visit you? Just sending my good thoughts for you your way.

LIR

<small>[ June 22, 2003, 05:08 AM: Message edited by: Lady_In_Red ]</small>

Thanks everyone...

Today I am packing, and preparing for my final move-out which will take place tomorrow. Of course, this has already caused some "friction" between us, as it is impossible for both of us to feel that the way we're splitting things is "fair"...but that too will pass.

I can honestly say I have no immediate plans beyond the next few days...things will show up in my life (or not) as they are meant to.

As for the kids; they are 17 and 20 now, and only they choose what they do and where they go. They know they are always welcome wherever I may be, whether it is my room at home or my hotel room, or my new apartment. Somehow, they always manage to find time to spend with "the old man"! LOL!!! Which is surprising, actually! At their age, I ran as far from my "old man" as possible! But, as they say, times HAVE changed!

Blessings to all!

<small>[ June 21, 2003, 04:22 PM: Message edited by: Spacecase ]</small>

Well, I'm now moved into my apartment...what a tough move it was! VERY hot and humid, and (as usual) much more stuff than planned, predicted, or desired! LOL!!!
But with the help of my BIL, my son and one of his friends (they work cheap; only a case of beer!), we did it, and I'm now in the process of trying to make the place look presentable, and livable!
My W made very sour faces while she was still there and we were loading the truck...then she left, which made it easier on everyone!
BUT, there's a bed, honey in the pantry, and coffee...oh, and now internet! So what else does one really need?
That's my quick update. I'm back to unpacking and organizing!

SC -

Glad you got moved in. Hope things feel "right" in your new apartment. When you're done unpacking, maybe you could come out here and give us a hand. We moved across town a month ago (closer to your old high school!) and I still have a two-car garage and two storage units full of stuff. Where does it all come from?

Anyway, I'm out here lifting a housewarming toast to you and your kids. Be well and keep growing.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Spacecase:
<strong>Well, I'm now moved into my apartment...what a tough move it was! VERY hot and humid, and (as usual) much more stuff than planned, predicted, or desired! LOL!!!
But with the help of my BIL, my son and one of his friends (they work cheap; only a case of beer!), we did it, and I'm now in the process of trying to make the place look presentable, and livable!
My W made very sour faces while she was still there and we were loading the truck...then she left, which made it easier on everyone!
BUT, there's a bed, honey in the pantry, and coffee...oh, and now internet! So what else does one really need?
That's my quick update. I'm back to unpacking and organizing!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What else???? Ooohh Cadet, you must throw a cyber MB housewarming party..... ya know?!?!?!

Ok, we want to know the color scheme of your home.....bathroom, kitchen, bedroom, living room, etc. What is the theme of your home? Western, modern, tropical, etc?!?!? Your favorite flower or color????

Then we can have an MB cyber party!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Haven't done this in a while!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Let us know when. I'll be there.

Aloha,
L.

dup post

<small>[ June 24, 2003, 02:43 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

duplicate post!

dup post.

<small>[ June 24, 2003, 02:43 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

Way to go on making it through the big move. Moving in the heat is no fun, it was a scorcher the day I moved into my apt. last summer too.

You sound like you are keeping your spirits up in the face of some very difficult steps. Good for you!

Take care,

Jen

Dear Space:

Peace and tranquility to you. You have earned both.

All my best

Jack

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">orchid Ok, we want to know the color scheme of your home.....bathroom, kitchen, bedroom, living room, etc. What is the theme of your home? Western, modern, tropical, etc?!?!? Your favorite flower or color???? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ROTFLMAO!!!!
Orchid, you seem to forget several things; First, I'm a guy! (HELLO!!!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Secondly, I pretty much ran off with whatever I could get without incurring the full wrath of the fiendess. Color schemes?, Themes? Please!

But in the interest of fun, I'll give it a whirl! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Color "scheme"; well, it's pretty "brownish". The walls are "cream" (off-white in man-talk), the carpet is "camel" (Guys; that's a medium brownish faded thing). The kitchen is white, with "tan" tile, and the bathroom is the same. The bedrooms are...the same thing! (Color schemes! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> )

Themes? Well here maybe we can add a little spice. I have a very subtle blend of classic: Chinese horses and archers ceramic sculpture, pre-columbian pottery and other assorted "indegenous" items, and a real antique rough wooden table and "armoire" (That's an expensive wood & glass case, guys). Then there's the Hindu/Buddhist stuff, like Tibetan carved wooden Oms, a Shiva Lingam, several oriental fans, vases, etc. Then there's the "modern", like a ceramic jug with dozens of little penguins on it, a large ceramic "vase" with animal motifs, naked he and she angels with horns and bugles, a lacquered piece of redwood (from Muir woods!), and, of course, my Yellow Submarine lava lamp, with matching "LOVE" sign and "Blue Meanie"!

There are, of course, paintings too; a Western Indian Woman in pastels, a difficult-to-describe painting of the refection of a woman's figure on bathroom tile, an Omar Rayo geometric abstract, and a bull/man/horse melee by Gordillo. (There's more, but I'm no good at this!

What else? Oh, there's a silk persian rug, 2 wicker chairs, my "old American" chair from Stanford, and the sofa is an overstiffed thing in off-white with minute blue (or are they gray?) stripes...

The bedroom...not much! A single bed (my son's), an old trunk full of junk, way too many boxes of books (40+), a big tv/vcr/dvd setup, and a walk-in closet that you can no longer walk into! (until I arrange it.........I think!).
It's a second floor, and it has bay windows (LOVE those!) with a view of the rock and bamboo gardens outside, and a huge windchime...

Flowers; well, orchids are probably what I'd have if I weren't such a clutz with plants, (D always had orchids, remember the pictures?), but I settled for a plastic orchid and bamboo thing they left in there from when they were showing me the apartment! LOL!!!

Aahhh,

The bachelor pad!!! I'm a little overwhelmed with the shall we say "opportunities" for the cyber house warming!!

Being the visual person I am; I'm struggling a bit here...BRING IN THE PROS!!!

All kidding aside; with the view, the persian rug, art work, books & spiritual artifacts I think you're in good shape. Sounds like you have the making of a good reading nook! Blessings, CSue

Reading your post with the guy version of your apt made me tired. Too much stuff. How big is this place anyway!!! LOL! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I tried to imagine every piece but my brain ran out of 'shelf space'. LOL!!!

Ok so your house is 'outfitted' comfortably. You can go around the world or have the world come to you and have something for everyone. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Howz about an MB cyber housewarming party with food?

I will bring some of my Hawaiian chili beans w/teriyaki beef stick meat and vegi kabobs both marinated in an Asian spice (already bottled with sesame seeds and red roasted chili's, kicked up with extra shoyu sauce, white wine, H57 catsup, sugar, garlic and ginger.

Veggie's consist of mushrooms, red and green bell peppers, zucchini, yellow grape tomatoes, oinions, roasted garlic pieces.

Awwhh.....served with white rice. Hawa'n style!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Whose next!??!?!

L.

<small>[ June 24, 2003, 11:28 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

OK, well tonight I made my very famous Cal-Mex tacos! (from an old recipe I learned while in CA), with shredded three-cheese, black olives, lettuce, tomatos and flour tortillas (fried) YUM!!!!! (Pass the Tums, please!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I wonder...I'm starting to worry about her...

Last night I had dinner at my BIL & SIL's home; they've made me a standing Thursday night dinner invitation...and it turns out my W never told them about our divorce! They asked her when they heard I'd moved out again...and she said "yes, we got a divorce".
So we were talking about all this and they said something I think we all knew, but maybe didn't think about much: that I've had 1 1/2 years to prepare for this so I'm doing well, but that maybe she's NOT prepared and only NOW will the "reality" of all this begin to hit her...

Then tonight I attended our usual Friday family dinner (MIL, SILs, BILs...) and she did not come. That's probably the first time in several years she has missed one of these dinners. And it's not like we're not on speaking terms or anything like that; we've been talking about the house, kids, our D's trip, etc.
So I spoke to my MIL, and sked her if my W had told her of the divorce, and she said yes; that W called her and told her, and said things like "what am I going to do now?", "What's going to happen to the kids' education?", etc. etc.
I also spoke to one of my SILs about this, and it turns out SHE was the one my W was screaming at on the phoine on Saturday as I was packing up and getting ready to move. Turns out W had NOT told this SIL about the DV either! And she was just venting, which SIL understood and just listened...nothing wrong between them.
So I'm thinking...she never really faced what was happening up to now? How can that be? I mean I was living with her, the D was filed in February, we exchanged and signed papers all the way up to a few weeks ago, I answered all her questions, we negotiated who was taking what, how this and that would work, etc. Can it be she was just in a daze all that time? Can it be she never thought I'd actually do it? What's up with that?

But more importantly; I don't feel good about all this at all. I'm worried for her, concerned. Should I do something to help? Should I intervene? Should I offer? Should I be there for her?

<small>[ June 27, 2003, 11:46 PM: Message edited by: Spacecase ]</small>

Cadet,

IMHO, no. Easy to say but hard to do. This is how reality needs to be dealt with. It is not like you locked her lips from facing reality or something crazy like that.

Here's the other side of the coin. What did she do to help you and the children adjust?

Your giver is starting to work overtime. STOP!!! There is no OT pay, not even straight time.

She is worried about the kid's education? Why? Then the next question is why now????

L.

Thanks, O.
Didn't really expect responses this late!

Her worry about the kids education is absolutely groundless. The twins are now in public school until they graduate, J is in college (and has been for 2 1/2 years!) and I am, as we speak, just finishing up the final paperwork for the student loans for next year. Same as I've done every year...she has never had to even THINK about this; I've taken care of it all!

I think it just may be a way of saying: "What am I going to do now?!?!" using a concrete example that touches ANYONE'S heart! But that particular worry is groundless. The kids' educations are taken care of without her intervention in any way, shape or form. It's probably a way to reach out to those who tried to intervene before it was too late and she rebuffed; looking for sympathy and support. Especially because all the family has seen how I have acted, feel strongly that I did all I could, and, in fact, still welcome me as afamily member. I think the dinners last night and tonight prove that. It is, after all, HER family; her brothers and sisters, her mother! And I have in no way either tried to alienate them from her, or get them to choose sides...they haven't. She alienated them, if anything!

Perhaps I'M the one in the fog...thinking that she "must be getting it" as the process took shape and the divorce started rolling, paperwork done, signed, etc. But I guess you're right; this is when the rubber meets the road for her...sad to see it for me, I must admit! And harder still not to offer a hand...but I do recognize the need for her to reach her own conclusions and take her own actions...I sure did!

<small>[ June 28, 2003, 01:29 AM: Message edited by: Spacecase ]</small>

Once again, all bets are off!

It hasn't even been 2 weeks since our divorce and my leaving the house, and even though she seemed to be so very worried about how to pay for our kids' education....well, this morning I found out she's gone to Florida again!

It shouldn't bother me, but it does. It shouldn't matter, but it does.

And of course not even now, after we're divorced, can she tell anuone the truth about it...she told the kids she was visiting friends again, and who knows what she's told her family...

And here I was, thinking that maybe now she'd have the chance to do what she said she wanted, which was "get herself together without being involved" with him or me...oh, well...and so the story continues.