Dear All

Thank you so much for your warm and heartfelt responses. When things are looking bleak, I always know there are many here that are so remarkable and kind, well, it helps it really does.

I have been out for 2 friends' birthdays tonight, which was really enjoyable. I couldn't help but think about certain things, and of course everyone is so kind and supportive.

Matilde - I think you are right. I don't know if deep down I was thinking that maybe this would be a shock to H and he would say "Enough of this madness let's talk". In some ways perhaps I did. But I also think you are right about closing doors and opening windows. I have a Spanish friend who said to me tonight "Try not to think of it as a painful ending but perhaps a new beginning". There is some truth in this.

Hi Jante - you know what I mean don't you? It is a surreal experience, sitting with your hand on the bible telling a stranger that you swear the information is true and that it is your H's signature. Weird, weird, weird, and even more so for me as it is our anniversary on Monday - ho hum. For me, all I asked was that H gave it a go, but he couldn't do that. That's really the hard thing that they won't even try. Is it because they hurt so much or perhaps they didn't care as much as they said......?

SS - you don't have to do or say anything. Just knowing you and everyone else is out there is comfort enough.

Thanks Pep - it's a bit like the Bridget Jones Diary thing - eat the entire contents of your fridge and be ravaged by Alsations, or Chukka Chan and vodka <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I have cried buckets, I really have. Sometimes I wonder where the tears still come from. But today, I wanted to be brave and strong, don't know why, but I was. Tomorrow, well tomorrow is another day.

Oh Karena, no, really I'm not worthy of your kind words. Sometimes, I feel I have no-one to blame but myself, but I did truly try to right my wrongs, and of course, two wrongs don't make a right. I don't know about courage, I sometimes think I'm just a coward. It is a hard situation to be in, and if and when you find yourself there, you will cope, surely you will. I am so sorry that your H is behaving as he is. Take care of you and protect yourself financially now.

Hi Kily. You know, when I read your post, I closed my eyes and imagined your hug. I really could feel it, because of course, we are cosmic physic twins <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> You are right too, along with Pep. The grieving process is still on-going, but yes I can begin to heal. I hope H can say the same.

Thank you all again for your hugs, thoughts and care. It means so much to me, I always say that, but truly it does. You are all my MB Superstars.

Lisa

Edited later to get the BJ quote right!

<small>[ May 10, 2003, 06:31 AM: Message edited by: Lisa in London ]</small>

Lisa,
You have grown a great deal, and you are still growning. That makes me happy even with all the bad.

How did such a thoughtful person get to this spot? She let her guard down. I don't think you will again, do you?

Do you realize you are now GOOD example? Do you realize others want to do as well has you have done in the aftermath?

I hope you get some sleep tonight.

SS

SS - do you know I think that was one of the hardest things for me to come to terms with - how could I, Lisa, and all that I believe in and the person that I am have failed so badly and let myself down irrespective of the devastation to H. Do you know, so often he would say "I can barely believe it was you, I still don't think it was". I guess it's the Alien Abduction theory thing, but you are most definitely right that I won't do anything like it again. I also think that whilst it has been a lesson to learn in the most extreme way, I can take many things from the experience. See how positive I'm being, surely I am starting to heal <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Lisa

I'm having a bad day. I thought I was doing better, but my h called today and now I'm upset. It will be a year on the 17th we were going on a cruise with some friends and now this year he isn't here. He says he is happier with his gf then here and she never lied to him. But he has lied to her.

Oh Goldie, don't believe what he tells you. He does that to hurt to you, and you know that it's highly unlikely that him and his mistress (because that's what she is, she's OW, not his GF)are being honest and true. What makes her so special and different from you.

Certain days, times of year etc. will always be triggers - how will I ever be free of 12th May the day I got married? But you will find a peace and a strength. I know Ark was giving you some fantastic advice (I think it was Ark), I hope you have been following it and making some time for you Goldie.

Thanks for stopping by and keep your chin up.

Lisa

Well, today is our wedding anniversary. How do I feel? To be honest, I don't really feel anything. I was building up thinking and expecting I'd feel bad, but really I don't

I have come to realise a couple of things in the last day or two. Getting the DV papers was really sad, and as I say, even seeing H's handwriting felt like a wrench. I cried on the phone on Thursday night to my Mum, and then went on Friday and signed the papers. As I said on my earlier post, I physically pulled myslef up tall and held my head high.

Why did I do this? You know with me folks, sometimes, well sometimes it takes a day or two for me to understand or pinpoint certain feelings. What I reaslied, was that this is no longer anything to do with me or my A, this is solely about H and his "shortcomings", A, issues etc. I stood up to be counted, I went for 6 months of IC, posted here till I was blue in the face, turned myself inside out looking for answers of why and how I failed both H and myself so badly. I struggled with myself and my demons, my selfish, irresponsible behaviour, the "old" Lisa. The new Lisa realised, she's OK. She's doing well, no it really isn't about me anymore.

I do hope that perhaps this means I have finally turned a corner and have come to a more peaceful place. I have managed to forgive myself (in the main) and know that I actually have a lot to offer myself, my family, my friends, and maybe one day another R. Sometimes, I'm not sure if I really forgive H, but I feel sorry for him more than anything else. He's not happy, and me, well I think I am beginning to feel happy. I go out now and it's not just about enjoying a good time, generally I feel OK with my lot. Don't get me wrong, I didn't expect to find myself DVing at this time, but I can be happy again.

I know I will still have bad times, triggers, etc. but it is time to move forward, truly forgive myself and (hopefully) H in the not too distant future. It is time to put me first in my life as a good, decent and honest person, one who is perhaps now more complex, insightful, but who can achieve true happiness and peace.

Take care friends, whatever your situation, wherever you are.

Lisa, smiling to herself, in London.

Lisa

You sound good today. Strong, but with a full appreciation for the road you have travelled this far.

I envy you, in a way. You can leave the pain behind, and move forward. I want to do that too...but not sure it's possible while staying with H.

Do you feel just a bit excited about the future? I feel excited for you! You are a new Lisa, stronger, more mature, and self-aware...you are a catch! I know a R may not be #1 on your to-do list, but when that day comes...you are sooo well-equiped to chose wisely, and sustain a healthy R with a great man.

I will be looking forward to seeing how you are doing, as time goes by.

E

Lisa it's great to hear you sounding a lot better. You are a good person and I have no doubt in my mind, that one day you will meet a good man who will truly appreciate you and love you. Keep you eyes peeled though, he just might be around the corner.

I too, am very glad to see that you're doing okay today.

(((((( Lisa ))))))

I'm so proud of you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Karen

Hi All and many thanks for your comments.

Karen, it means a lot to me that you are proud of me - I have always admired your strength and courage, so thank you for the thumbs up. I will stop by your post later.

CM - dang it again you are taken <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> No, only joking, but actually I feel that I can joke, and it's not wrong or inappropriate, it's just part of a happier and becoming complete Lisa. I don't know about someone being round the corner (that really is scarey <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ), but it really doesn't seem to be the end of the world.

Eleanor thanks for stopping by - do you know, I really think that I am a little excited. Not only with all these potentially different job offers, meeting new people, and actually beginning to live again. I'll always feel a deep bond to H - we were like peas in a pod in many ways, but I know with time that will fade perhaps just to some warm and happy memories. I have to tell you that I don't think I would be moving forward as I am if I was still in contact with H. I sympathise terribly with the predicament you find yourself in, and others who have children involved where there has to be contact. Take care friend, I believe it will get better for you.

The only other thing I wanted to say was that I truly believe this isn't just about feeling good today. Of course today could have been immensely difficult, but I realised it was about part of a pattern of my behaviour. One of the things I have learned here is not to try and analyse every last thing, every last incident. This usually refers to the fogged up nature of WSs, but today it refers to the positive and upbeat manner of Lisa. Except for Thursday evening, in the last 2 weeks I have been moving along this path of "freedom". Freedom from pain, guilt, sorrow, and well you know what I mean..... My patterns of behaviour mean even though I have felt a little sad at times, I am not allowing myself to become overwhelmed (as the day when I first started this thread). I am beginning to allow myself enjoyment and fun. This is why I truly hope that I have turned a corner, and well frankly, I couldn't have done it without you out there!!! Yes, there may be sad days or moments, but not the ones that have so consumed me in the last 10 months. Well, I do hope not.

Lisa

Mind If I comment?

I have come to realise a couple of things in the last day or two. Getting the DV papers was really sad, and as I say, even seeing H's handwriting felt like a wrench. I cried on the phone on Thursday night to my Mum, and then went on Friday and signed the papers. As I said on my earlier post, I physically pulled myself up tall and held my head high.

I am glad you realize you will be all right. Sometimes it takes a long time. I think you, Jante, and LIR have all arrived at the same place - a place where you understand that safety and well-being don't come from outside, they come from inside.

Why did I do this? You know with me folks, sometimes, well sometimes it takes a day or two for me to understand or pinpoint certain feelings. What I reaslied, was that this is no longer anything to do with me or my A, this is solely about H and his "shortcomings", A, issues etc. I stood up to be counted, I went for 6 months of IC, posted here till I was blue in the face, turned myself inside out looking for answers of why and how I failed both H and myself so badly. I struggled with myself and my demons, my selfish, irresponsible behaviour, the "old" Lisa. The new Lisa realised, she's OK. She's doing well, no it really isn't about me anymore.
You are right, but remember to always check YOU first to see if you have room to improve and grow. But - I want to confirm that this is no longer about you, I agree with that part.

I do hope that perhaps this means I have finally turned a corner and have come to a more peaceful place.
I believe that it does mean that.
You know, I really do.

I have managed to forgive myself (in the main) and know that I actually have a lot to offer myself, my family, my friends, and maybe one day another R.
If you take the "maybe" out, I'' agree with this part too. I told Jante this once, and It is the same for you. When you are ready for another R, it will not be hard for you. It will be easy, natural and it will feel very good. Take your time, but when you are ready, don't be afraid.

Sometimes, I'm not sure if I really forgive H, but I feel sorry for him more than anything else. He's not happy, and me, well I think I am beginning to feel happy. I go out now and it's not just about enjoying a good time, generally I feel OK with my lot. Don't get me wrong, I didn't expect to find myself DVing at this time, but I can be happy again.
You will get happier and feel better as you go along, as long as you continue to learn, improve, and grow personally.

I know I will still have bad times, triggers, etc. but it is time to move forward, truly forgive myself and (hopefully) H in the not too distant future. It is time to put me first in my life as a good, decent and honest person, one who is perhaps now more complex, insightful, but who can achieve true happiness and peace.
And you say sometimes that I put things well. You can't put it any better than that!!
Congratulations on a personal recovery that is progressing very nicely.

When you have those bad days ( and you WILL have them,) we'll still be here to help.

SS

<small>[ May 12, 2003, 04:21 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Thanks SS - as ever you are very generous in your encouragement and support, and I truly appreciate that. I think it is interesting too that when we talk here about Recovery, we usually mean in terms of a M, but sometimes, it is personal recovery (as you say in your last sentence). For me it has been a very painful, long, personal journey. I'm still travelling, but it is getting somewhat easier. You are right too in that I need to check myself from time to time, make sure I am doing the right thing, can't do it differently or better.

You know, I honestly couldn't imagine an R with anyone at the moment - unless as I always say Brad Pitt turns up on the doorstep, him and Jen are through and of course, it is ME he wants <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Oh dear, I make myself laugh sometimes!! No, really, I can't imagine how H has room for Shiney Head in his life and in his head (knowing what the girls said to me so recently about his grumpiness and moods). He clearly isn't recovering, but I know for me it would be so very hard right now to be involved. Anyway, the DV needs to come through first, because that will be tough.

So, I wanted to share some good news today (the Lisa spiral is thankfully continuing upwards <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ), the trainer job I went for on a freelance basis, well I got through to the next stage. I am so very pleased I can't begin to tell you. Funny though, the interview Thursday (permanent job) has been cancelled, which is nothing to do with me. My friend works in the industry and sent me some info, which it is more than likely linked to. Perhaps then the permanent work just wasn't meant to be. I just called my Mum and I felt so happy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I truly did.

Thank you all for listening.

Lisa

<small>[ May 13, 2003, 10:12 AM: Message edited by: Lisa in London ]</small>

Thanks so much Lisa for encouraging me to pop over and read your thread. You are sounding strong. It gives me some hope.

Jen

Jen

I have to tell you that I think my positive state has a lot to do with not interacting with H. When I did, I continued to find it deeply upsetting, knowing his EA had gone PA in the space of weeks (well perhaps it was all along....), and his complete refusal to address any of "our" issues or "his".

I have had to make some tough decisions, ones that I truly didn't expect to be making. I could debate on and on whether or not they were the right ones, should I have done more, stuck it out for longer etc. but it is irrelevant now, and I think it would just wear me down to keep re-hashing the past. All I know is that I worked extensively on myself and tried to prove to H that our M was worth working on to see if we could save it. He didn't want to join me in those efforts, so for me, the decision (in itself) was relatively easy. The ups and downs since are of course tricky and at times painful, but I do believe I am coming out of the other side and can see the light at the end of Lisa's tunnel.

Lisa