8/16/03 -
Thanks to all for your participation.
I'll recap on page 16-17.

-AD
--------------------------------------------
Folks

For all that has gone on in my 4-year marriage, I know that it is not as bad as many of you have endured. I wasn't very good at Plan-A before - although after a 18 month semi-separation (in which I often stayed at my W's place), we bought a new house and moved in together about 7 months ago.

Now things are going downhill again and she is back in contact with OM.

It's time for the real Plan A - the last one maybe or maybe not, but in any case my goal is to go 100 days as nearly perfect as I can muster. I started today (yesterday already).

I'm going to try to keep this thread going with daily updates.

If anybody wants to join me, I suggest some "ground rules"
- no flames
- no venting (we're suposed to love 'em)

-AD

<small>[ August 25, 2003, 09:48 AM: Message edited by: AD. ]</small>

Day 1:

I got off to work late due to Tornado warnign this morning. I got up, sat and watched the radar images on TV until it got really close, then woke my W and 2-year-old and brought them downstairs.

It missed us, but I was over an hour late for work.

Work is a real problem for me now and I want to make it a goal to be on time for work every day for the rest of this week and the next 14 weeks (that's 98 days). One of the things that my W has said is important to her is reliability. She thinks I'm a bad worker, and right now, she's right. It is a major problem for me, not only because I get to work late sometimes (I work late to make up for it), but because I am so depressed etc. that I don't do anything sometimes. So, I won't be posting or reading during work hours. Possibly, I'll get on early in the morning or during lunch or just before I leave work, but I've developed such a bad habit of hitting the internet when I should be working that I really thing it is best if I go cold-turking on MB during work hours. Ditto for reading the news. For now, I will allow myself only the check the stock-market and on-line banking during work hours, and I've got to go easy on the stock market. I get pretty distracted by that at times.

So, for the next 100 days, to work on time and minimize internet usage.

Before leaving work, I called home and asked if W wanted me to bring anything - she asked for bread and mayonaise. I brought bread, mayonaise, roses and cheesecake. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> She looked at the roses with suspicion. She's not a big rose girl, but usually prefers simpler flowers, but these were mixed colors (rainbow bouquet) and I know she likes that.

She asked if I ordered a pizza and I said "No, was I supposed to?" She said, "no, somebody delivered a pizza and I paid for it. I thought you must have ordered it. I was cooking dinner". I told her I knew she was cooking and it must have been intended for one of our neighbors - who probably was annoyed that the pizza guy never came. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Anyway, she said "the foods on the stove - but you should probably eat the pizza and we'll eat the other food for lunch tomorrow. I'm going for a walk." I said "OK".

While she was gone, I ate and started cleaning upstairs. Some of her stuff that I tossed out of the MBR the other night was still in the hall and I picked it up and started to vaccuum the upstairs. W returned from her walk (with 2-year-old). She was pleased that I was vacuuming but asked me (the vacuum was not on at that moment) to come down and look at something (I don't remember what), and we ended up sitting around while she read a book aloud to me about child discipline - including some sections on the effects of divorse on children. Funny thing is, just at lunch time today, she told me that I shouldn't buy any more of those stupid books. This one came in the mail today. I ordered it last week. We also talked about her nephew's grades (best semester ever after I put an ultimatum on him in mid-semester) - and how much we were going to pay on his next semester. There was minor disagreement, but no real conflict on the issue. Nephew (20) was watching X-men in the FR, so we were in another room. I kept having to go get our 2yo from the other room as I didn't want her watching that stuff.

It was a fairly pleasant time - not bad really.

The phone rang. A friend of ours called and asked if he could stay overnight tomorrow night - since he has a job interview about 100 miles north of us and lives about 100 miles south of us and it will be early in the morning. I said "Yes" without asking W - although she could hear only my end of the convo (which you might think would be a LB, but I knew this particular guest would be welcome). When I got off the phone, she asked (with a grimace) was it <another-friend-of-ours>. I said "No" and told who it was, and she said "Ok, that's fine."

After a little while, I said I'd better finish the vacuuming while she bathed the 2-year-old - and I went back to that chore. She seemed pleased. Then, I started cleaning the guest room bath - and got out the toilet cleaning stuff. We have 4 baths, so after I did that one, I went through the others - came to her room and asked "Do you mind if I clean your toilet?" She looked at me suspiciously - and said "I don't trust you." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Amazing! She told me not to, but when I came back 5 minutes later, she was reading a story to 2-y-o and didn't complain that I went in her bath and did that. I cleaned all 4. She asked what was wrong with me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

So, I went back down and started doing a little in the kitchen. Not 100% but I did unload and load the dishwasher and took out the trash. Cleaning the kitchen is normal stuff I used to do every night, but after she moved to the other BR, I slacked off.

W gets all in a tizzy when we have guests coming. Often she has called me and asked me to come home from work to help clean house - and more than once has become violent in the midst of housecleaning - usually rags me incessantly, saying "WHY ARE YOU MOVING SO SLOW!" "YOU ARE DOING IT ON PURPOSE TO UPSET ME". Is that a vent? No, it's old news. She does that because she is terribly afraid that somebody will think that she is a bad housekeeper. It is some kind of primal fear for her - terror, really. So, I wish I had done more this evening - to protect her from anxiety tomorrow - if I hadn't sat around and listened to her read, I could have - but I didn't know we were having guests tomorrow until friend called. But the friend should not arrive until 8pm tomorrow - so I have time after work to do a lot more. But she may get pretty wound up by then. I need to do better to anticipate these things. I can clean the playroom during lunch and maybe pick up a little more after work.

Well, that's day 1. Not bad. Not great. I can do better.

Oh, my weight is an issue and I hope to lose 20lb in the 100 days. That should be doable, but I wasn't a good boy today on the eating front - not bad, but not good either. I can do better.

See ya.

-AD

<small>[ May 07, 2003, 02:20 AM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

AD,

Now, THAT is ALOT better way to do things. IF she doesn't come around, look at the structure and stability your going to be building for yourself.

I think that she will sit up and take notice... but don't get burned out to fast. I did the same thing as your doing right now 2 years ago, and eventually got 'more' taken advantage of in the long run, when I was doing ALL the chores it seemed, while my WS was still seeing OM, and bouncing back and forth between households.

It didn't work really for my M, but it did help me burn up alot of stress, weight and it has made me a better dad.

Good luck, and I'll be checking back in.

H2U,

Thanks for the encouraging words. I better get to bed. 7am is really soon now and I'm supposed to be a better worker tomorrow, right?

-AD

AD,
This may be my last chance to save my marriage -I have just about 100 days to do a serious Plan A - h e/a started last February - did a semi-plan a before I read here and then it all went downhill from there. I really suck at this. But have decided that no matter what happens I need to do this for me. I want to be someone not only my h but that I can be proud of. I started this new Plan A on Sunday - have only had one little crying episode yesterday - really small compared to what I usually have. So I would love to join you in this.
TTHO

TTHO,

Welcome!

Have fun with it. There is something mysterious about doing the unexpected - get's their attention.

I have just a moment now, since I need to be cleaning house - W is gone to the store I think.

I dont' know your story, sorry - no time to read right now. Honestly, I think it is harder for a wife to plan A than for a man - or rather it is harder for it to be noticed. What do you think?

But the main thing in any case is to avoid LB's. That can make a major difference if you have been doing that in the past. Whatever he dishes out, don't react with the same. Don't give pain for pain.

-AD

Question :

In Plan A, is it OK to call them on their LB's. Today, a situation arose where W basicly was telling me how and when to play with my child. I just held my tongue. Is it OK in plan A to say "It hurt when when you did/said that."? I understand that we are not supposed to try to get our needs filled, but are we supposed to take the LB's without complaint or comment?

-AD

Rather than saying, "that hurt" turn it around on him.

Ask her what you were doing wrong & how you could better play with your child. This gives them some insight into how stupid some of the stuff they say is.

She'll probably reply, "if you don't know, I'm not gonna tell you."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> AD,
This may be my last chance to save my marriage -I have just about 100 days to do a serious Plan A - h e/a started last February - did a semi-plan a before I read here and then it all went downhill from there. I really suck at this. But have decided that no matter what happens I need to do this for me. I want to be someone not only my h but that I can be proud of. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WOW! we did the same and count me in
I started TODAY!

Good luck to all joining

Count me in too, I guess! But what can I do? My H and I are separated, he's living with the OW, and we have only occasional email contact, in which I'm friendly and occasionally chatty but not much more. I'm not going to pursue, but I do want a 180 and Plan A.

Any ideas?

Chris - CA123,

Well actually, she was pretty specific "She's not interested in that. Stop playing with it." I think that was clear. Perhaps it was that W just bought this new toy yesterday and want's to be the one who introduces it. Perhaps she just wanted me to stop fiddling around and eat my lunch. I don't know, but it did hurt (as usual) to be "ordered" what to do.

My question remains : Within the ground rules of a "Plan A", am I supposed to ignore her LB's - or respectfully call attention to them.

For now, I will ignore them.

-AD

Matilde and A.M.Martin,

Welcome to the "100 days of Plan A" thread.

I'm not sure if this is the end of day 1 or day 2, so since y'all just started, let's call it day 1. Yesterday was just a warm up.

I suppose I'm the MC on this thread, so I'll suggest that the first, and perhaps most important part is to avoid LB's. This can be extremely difficult while your spouse is doing things which are quite painful for you. The instinct is to fight back - to make them hurt too. We have to resist that.

The second thing is to figure out what your spouse's needs are and try your best to meet them - while making no attempt to solicit from your spouse any effort to meet your needs.

May God bless your efforts.

A.M.M,

I don't know what you can do with a separated spouse. I think Plan A is usually for a resident spouse - but hey, why not try anyway. What've you got to lose? Just make every contact with our husband with no LoveBusters and filling whatever needs you can.

-AD

<small>[ May 07, 2003, 11:48 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

Update - Day 1 (yesterday was day zero),

Review of the day; LB's and needs met:

My W now shares a room with the 2-year-old. W came to "my" room at about 6am - since our 2-y-o was fussing. I was asleep - haveing been on-line here after 2am - so I had maybe 3 1/2 hours sleep at that time. W was explaining to me at lenght what happened - that the 2yo woke at 5:30 and kept talking and wanting to get out of bed - screaming to get out and do something. W got a bottle of milk and maybe that helped a little but 2yo kept at it, so W left and came to my room. She was explaining that she felt guilty for leaving the child - but she thought it was the right thing to do and if Mama wasn't there, the child would go back to sleep soon.

I was sooooo sleepy - I just couldn't stay awake - and W was annoyed that I wasn't listening to her. I don't know where that falls in the LB scale - maybe it's not an LB, but a failure to meet an EN. So, I didn't do so well. I could have gotten up and sat on the edge of the bed - tried to stay awake and listen to her, but I didn't.

2) The alarm was ringing (at 7) and I kept pushing "the button" and it would ring again in a few minutes. Finally W told me to turn it off - which I did. Then I overslept a litte and W got me up about a 1/2 hour late. This wasn't so bad, but W would respect me more if I just got up on the first ring and went to the shower and on to work. I need to work on that. It would please her. She needs to see me as a vigorous, responsible person - and a good worker. She has told me this.

3) I actually did get to work only 5 minutes after 8 (and our office has very tolerant hours - so I was one of the first there), so this was good.

4) I tried to call home about 9:30 to appologise for not listening, but W was asleep and I woke her. She complained "are you the one who has been calling all morning". I called only twice, but I said "yes, sorry, I'll talk to you later." Not too bad, she usually is up by then.

5) at lunch I came home and cleaned - vacuumed a little - since we expected a guest this evening. Plus points there, I think.

6) after work I came home earlier than usual. W was not home. I started cleaning vigorously and had accomplished enough by the time she arrived that she was pretty pleased with it. I kept at it until our guest arrived (after 8, just staying the night because we are half-way to where he needs to be tomorrow). I did a pretty good job. W commented "tiring isn't it. It's good that you do that now and then to know how tiring it is." I said "I don't mind". Actually, I usually clean the kitchen and some other areas and always help clean when we expect guests, so I suppose I might have been hurt by her comments, but I wasn't.

Guest arrived - bringing desert - we ate a little sweets and sat around and talked. It was pleasant and relaxed. W doesn't mind this guest. She unfolded the sofa in the library, put sheets and stuff on it while I was talking to him. She bathed the 2yo and put to bed (and went to bed herself) while I continued talking with our guest. Everything was smooth and she seemed fine with everything. No conflicts.

There was one incident while I was cleaning the kitchen. W came in and pointed out something our 2yo was doing. I said "yeah" and kept working. She was hurt that I didn't listen to her more closely and look at her and the child. I really did hear everything she was saying and could repeat it back to her - but she wants me to look at her and stop what I'm doing when she talks to me. OK. I'll do that. I'm kind of a task-oriented person and when somebody talks to me while I'm working I usually just keep working while listening, but that's not what she needs so I'd better learn to do it the way she needs it. It wasn't a major thing, but I could tell that it hurt her - and maybe she was thinking about this morning's incident as well.

I just want to clarify my situation. W and I live together. She doesn't want a D because she doesn't want to hurt our child and because she is completely dependent on me (and OM has nothing), but she keeps occasional contact with OM - and talks like she'll divorce me when she's ready (in a few years). She openly says she doesn't love me (and never did) and doesn't think she ever can. Ah! That works in my favor, don't you think? I mean, if the MB theory is true - and I treat her will full love from my heart and actions, she will "fall". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

The last time she said "I love you" (to me) was in September.

Well, I gotta be up in 7 hours, so I'd better go to bed. See ya on DAY TWO tommorow.

May God bless and strengthen and give wisdom to us all.

-AD

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Count me in too, I guess! But what can I do? My H and I are separated, he's living with the OW, and we have only occasional email contact, in which I'm friendly and occasionally chatty but not much more. I'm not going to pursue, but I do want a 180 and Plan A.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A.M.MARTIN

I'm also separated from H since dday, I'm also doing plan A for myself, I need control of my mind, body and my feelings again.

Got no advice for you on that I'm just doing this for me. If this end in D at least I'm not going to be a mess of a person.

I'd like to get in on this too.
My situation is similar to A.M.Martin's. WH living 2.5 hrs away, same town as OW.
Hard to Plan A, but I do have to keep a lid on the LB.
Frustration sets in for me, busy schedule w/kids, work, house, pets, teen work schedule, 4 yr.old now wetting bed(emotional response to this I'm sure), money probs. due to WH Layoff. And WH's minimal contact with our kids, but spending time w/OW's kids!
OK, so the challenge for me is to:
1. Breathe...when I feel the frustration & anger build, refrain from calling WH to unload! He doesn't get it anyways. Wait for him to call and then Plan A...
2. Weight loss was easy due to stress...now work on toning. Walking at least 3 hrs. p/week for now. (had to quit gym due to $$ & time)
3. Kids at home, 4 yr. old D, 12 yr. old S & 16 yr. old S, need some quality Mom time. Play cards, games, push on swing, read more(not just bedtime story). Stop retreating to my room in the evenings. even though I'm exhausted! 18 yr. old S, not living at home for 2 mos. now, call him more often, tell him I love him.
4. Stop feeling sorry for myself and get on w/life, and not just go through the motions of daily life, really get on with it! Plan for the future, fun, finances...
5. MB has been a life saver, but AD, I'm with you, I definately spend too much time here, especially from work...will cut down.
6. Speaking of work, hate my job, work more diligently towards Plan to quit and line up self-employment, housecleaning,gardening jobs in the works, 2 x the $, flexible schedule for kids... Just go for it...
7. Continue to come up with ideas for self-improvement!
Will let you know how I'm doing!

AD,
Thanks for the welcome. Wish I didn't have to be hear at all but I am going to make this last ditch effort a good one. But it is going to be mostly for me.
I do think it's harder for woman to Plan A - i have always done a lot for my husband. There are some changes he wants me to make and I tried but the this whole e/a thing came up and the things he asked me to change have seemed impossible - so now for the real challenge - lets see if I can do it.
I will have fun with it - I have been asking no questions about work - wh still works with ow -I used to ask questions almost everyday. Have only cried once a little since Sunday - a record for me - have really been trying hard to read his moods and not get hysterical if I think he is ignoring me. Doesn't sound like a whole bunch but is good for me considering the mad woman I became the last 14 months. No relationship talk. H wants to do something with finances now - I initially thought it was a good idea - don't want to wait in case it gets nasty - not sure now but have told him to do what he needs too. I hope I'm not doing it wrong but have tried to stay calm and rational.
Thanks again for this thread.
TTHO

AD,

When the opportunity presents itself, give your wife a spontaneous neck and upper back massage.

Mr. Pepper wakes up earlier than I do. Nearly every single day for the past 7 years, he has brought me a cup of coffeee while I am still waking up. (BIG Love Bank deposit)

For Mother's Day .... get your wife a spa day ... or a manicure-pedicure day .... some fru-fru girly stuff that mothers enjoy when they aren't taking care of small kids.

Compliment her. "You smell nice!". "Your hair is so pretty and soft." "I like to watch you take care of the kids. You are so loving and take such good care of them." .... Just make sure you mean what you say.

If she has her own car, make sure she doesn;t need to pump her own gas. Take the opportunity to have her tank filled and her car washed whenever you can.

If there is a magazine she might like, buy it for her. Give it to her and ask, "I thought you might like this. Do you want me to bring you a cup of tea while you enjoy the magazine?"

Pay attention to her. If she wears something new or different .... or if she does something with her hair ... NOTICE!

If she has some favorite music she likes, play it while you are home. Don't say anything, just put that music on and go about your business.

Leave a note, or a single flower, or a little candy bar on her pillow, or in her car, or somewhere as a surprise.

Buy yourself some new sexy underwear! (I am NOT kidding here... men tend to wear the same undies from high school) Go BOLD!

Start reading to your kids aloud. You can buy cheap kids books at garage sales. Make yourself into "the reading Daddy" .... and use all kinds of voices and faces. it touches a woman's heart to watch her man be so sweet to her kids.

Laugh and smile, and sing a little ... so sexy!

When she does something for you, NOTICE and make a simple thank you.

Good luck!

Pep

Okay, Maybe I need this.

My husband is military and we're trying to recover our marriage. The next month or two are going to be difficult since he will be away for much of it. It's VERY (sorry for the screaming) hard for me when he's away. Perhaps if I have a goal, I can do this for him (and maybe i can see the positive results for me as well).

Lately, I've been doing a lot of whining (okay well deserved but not constructive) now I need to see what putting someone else first can do. I only hope I can see it through and not go back to feeling sorry for myself.

Count me in.

Good grief Pepper can i move in at your house.

thanks

Marykat

Update / Day 2 (5/8/03)-

I did pretty well at avoiding LB's and maybe filling some EN's. There were developments <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

In the morning I got off to work promptly and was at work within the parameters of "on time". That's important to my W (my boss too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ).

On the other hand, I didn't work well at all - so that may come back to my marriage later. Although my W doesn't know taht I didn't work well yesterday, she will see the long-term results of how I work - either layoff or promotion or whatever.

I called W at about 11:15am - haveing awaken her the previous day calling at 9:30. I was trying to call a bit later so that she would be sure to be up. She sounded annoyed when she answered and I was sorry I called. The upshot was that I should appear between 12 and 12:30 for lunch.

I'd like to figure out this business of calling home. I think she doesn't like it if I don't call at all, but often seems annoyed when I do call. She asked "Why did you call?" as if I have taken her away from something very important and should not do that without a good reason. In this case, I think she was annoyed with the 2-year-old, and not with me really. I just caught her in the middle of something.

Lunch went OK. She cooked something nice. There were a couple of negatives though.

LB: After eating what she cooked, I ate an apple. She didn't like the way I ate it. I suppose it must fall under the catagory of annoying habits - having been trained to "not waste food" as a child, I eat as if it is some kind of task, like chopping wood or something. Anyway, I'll work on that.

LB: I hit another little bitty land-mine. I was playing with our child a little bit during lunch. 2-yo was putting some toy on her head and I was encouranging her to do that. W weighed in with "Stop making her put that on her head. She doesn't want to." Now, the child was smiling and giggling - and we were OK, so why this?! Well, it came out a few seconds later "My Mom always wanted me to carry a book on my head". So, that was it! My MIL's spirit interferring in our relationship with our child. My W was abused by her Mom when she was a child - and one consequence of that is that there are all kinds of triggers related to what my W sees any person do with a child. I never heard about the book-on-the-head thing from W before. I didn't know it was a sore point. 2-yo likes hats and, so putting something on her head is a familiar thing and she thought it was funny - but W didn't. I think W realized that she was too hard on me - and I didn't react, so no problem.

Ok, so back to work. W called me late in the afternoon and talked for about 45 minutes. I listened well and it was good. I didn't solve any problems for her and we didn't make any decisions, but I think it was good. I think I filled an EN.

After work, I arrived home about 6. I had tried to call before I left but she didn't answer. When I got home, they were in the back-yard. I didn't even go in the house - went out there with them instead. After playing, talking a little, W said "let's plant something" - indicating the spot. I replied that I'd like to work in a bale of peat-moss before planting anything there. This had a possibility of being a LB - or going downhell somehow. One of the differences between us is that W is more impulsive than I am, and she gets annoyed that I have to turn everything into a "project" - while I get annoyed that she does things half-way and leaves a mess or doesn't really do it at all. One other time this spring, we had a kind of melt-down on a planting issue - where W basicly wanted to put some bulbs in the ground and I wanted to prepare a bed, put some edging around it etc. So, yesterday evening we were at a delicate moment. So, I suggested that we all go together to the Home store and get the peat moss and whatever. W readily agreed - although commenting that we might not get back before dark (which turned out to be true). So, I followed her impulse with my impulse and it was OK. The next potential conflict was over which car to take. The car seat was in her car, but I wanted to take the van - and she might be annoyed by the delay to move the seat (interfers with her impulsive nature to have any delay). I agreed to drive her car. The trunk is big enough for the stuff we needed.

We were on our way. Upon arrival at the home store, I had in mind to just get the peat and some sand (we have heavy clay soil) and get out. W started looking at roses and annuals. Again, the impulsive side winning over the planner. I realized "hey, I don't have to plant anything today. I don't have to prepare a bed today - just go with the flow." So, we wandered around looking at things for awhile - eventually making it out of the store with the stuff I needed and another $25 worth of "spring bulbs". Then, instead of going home, she wanted to drive around and listen to her new CD's which were in her changer in her car - another good reason to take her car. We listened a little - wasted some gas, but got home just about dark.

To be honest, I was/am a little anxious about getting that stuff planted - because we routinely buy bulbs and plants which end up getting thrown away because they die or rot before we get them in the ground. We don't have a lot of extra money to waste due to big house payement, nephew's tuition etc. It's something we'll have to work on.

Having arrived home, W showed no interest at all in planting anything, eating anything or preparing dinner. So, we were looking at childrens music on the web - 'til I finally snuck off and heated myself something to eat about 8.

I don't remember the details (mercifully for you faithful readers <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ), but W was putting 2-year-old to bed while I was cleaning the kitchen a little.

Oh... skip to the good stuff.

She came to bed in my room.
There was most excelent SF. She said "I thought you would like that". Very interesting comment. She did it for me! Then she left - went downstairs to eat something (it was about midnight) - when I followed, she told me to go to bed. I complied.

2am, she woke me - asked me to sleep in her room. I moved over there - woke there this morning to the sound of garbage truck - taking away the garbage that I remebered to put out (points for me).

Wow. That's only day 2. (not counting day zero)

My goal is to have her fall in love with me - to tell me that she loves me - not just to want to stay married (which she already does). I'm going for the full 100 days.

Another negative, I haven't done much about dieting. I'll have to get on the ball about that.

-AD

<small>[ August 15, 2003, 02:53 PM: Message edited by: AD. ]</small>

Hi Pepper, thanks for joining the thread.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong>When the opportunity presents itself, give your wife a spontaneous neck and upper back massage.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, the spontaneous part has to be managed. Mrs. AD is rather jumpy. One doesn't just go up and touch her uninvited. She will jump, flinch away and ...

Anyway, I did get a chance to give her a foot massage during lunch yesterday. She has some problems down there due to a spinal injury a few years ago - so one foot is numb and both sometimes have spasms. Massage helps. But, she has to ask. If I just grabbed her foot, she would jump out of her skin. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>
For Mother's Day .... get your wife a spa day ... r a manicure-pedicure day .... some fru-fru girly stuff that mothers enjoy when they aren't taking care of small kids.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hmmmm. interesting idea. I'm afraid... afraid that she would take it as "He thinks I'm ugly and need beauty treatments" - or that she would feel really uncomfortable with somebody taking care of her personal needs. She's the kind of person who appologizes to waiters for leaving dirty dishes.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>
Compliment her. "You smell nice!". "Your hair is so pretty and soft." "I like to watch you take care of the kids. You are so loving and take such good care of them." .... Just make sure you mean what you say.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">While the average lady might like this, my W, unfortunately doesn't. She says that whenever somebody complements her, she thinks they are lying and - and that makes her angry because the only reasons they might lie to her is either to manipulate her or because they pity her. Complementing how she works with our child is probably OK. She will accept that - and I often complement her on that - although she feels really insecure about it and doesn't believe that she is a good Mom.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>
If she has her own car, make sure she doesn;t need to pump her own gas. Take the opportunity to have her tank filled and her car washed whenever you can.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Great idea! I have noticed that when I fill her tank she thanks me for it. She doesn't like to get her hands dirty - and is sensitive to smells - so pumping gas is not fun for her.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>If there is a magazine she might like, buy it for her. Give it to her and ask, "I thought you might like this. Do you want me to bring you a cup of tea while you enjoy the magazine?"</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know a couple of mags she likes. Good idea. I often offer to bring her tea or juice or whatever and sometimes she accepts and seems grateful. I wouldn't put it exactly the way you did - because she would feel that I was trying to force her to read the mag right now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>
Pay attention to her. If she wears something new or different .... or if she does something with her hair ... NOTICE!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She was wearing recently a set - earrings and necklace - that I hadn't seen before. I asked about it and she gave some defensive answer. Maybe OM gave them to her.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>
If she has some favorite music she likes, play it while you are home. Don't say anything, just put that music on and go about your business.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good idea! And I gotta get the CD player fixed! Soon she's going to be angry about that. Thanks for the reminder.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>
Buy yourself some new sexy underwear! (I am NOT kidding here... men tend to wear the same undies from high school) Go BOLD!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I was wearing "snakeskin" last night. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> But she doesn't seem to notice.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>
Start reading to your kids aloud. You can buy cheap kids books at garage sales. Make yourself into "the reading Daddy" .... and use all kinds of voices and faces. it touches a woman's heart to watch her man be so sweet to her kids.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yeah, she likes that - but she gets jealous of our child's affection for me. I've got to be careful not to be too succesfull.

Thanks for the ideas, Pep.

-AD