AD -- But of course you apologized, yes?

A.M.Martin,

I constantly appologize. Sometimes I know what for. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

We're ok, I guess.

W saw (and spoke to) OM this evening - walking out from her class at the U.

I don't feel anything much about that anymore. I asked her to "stay 30 meters away from him - so that he can't strike up a conversation with you." She didn't say much about that.

Compared to your situation, it is nothing.
W is here, in the bed (I suppose). That says a lot.

The other day we were taking a walk with our daughter (which we do almost every evening) - watching her (2 1/2 year-old) strut down the sidewalk in front of us. We were both grinning at the sight. She surely is cute - and full of positive energy. W said "Nothing is worth that - and that is worth everything." It made sense to me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'd better get to bed now - and try to make it to work by 7:30.

-AD

AD, AM... sorry for disappearing without saying anything. Things have taken a turn. My "gut" was right... he simply was not open to making it work. Last Wed night he finally laid it all out honestly, and we are getting a D. I will not fight it, there is no sense in doing so.

Our state allows "no fault" divorces, and it appears that he'll file, then I have 20 days to turn in my part, along with our settlement agreement. As long as we agree, the judge just stamps it. We might be divorced before the end of July... it goes pretty quick.

He is being reasonable. He's no longer sullen, he is kind, friendly. He has said he'll be very reasonable, and when he went over settlement things, it was totally agreeable to me. I don't want anything from him, but do want to retain things that are mine.... and he seems to be thinking the same thing.

He is still living here, but knows he has to leave. I am reserving the right to live in this house for a bit, mostly since I don't know yet what I will do and don't want to have to move twice. Well, and the mortgage is in my name...

So, I'm done with plan A. I'm over on the "divorced" section now... and trying to figure out how to be a 45 year old used wife, who has to start over and create a new life. It's scary, but it's clear that I will have to figure it out, I don't have any choice.

Squeak, I don't know what to say. If it's any consolation, there is life after 45 -- I know it, I'm there! Keep to Plan A -- why not? it will make the divorce easier if nothing else -- and be prepared for surprises.

AM, I do think there will be life after 45, so I'm glad you are finding the same to be true.

STBX is still in the house, and at first that was really hard. I'd cringe, and dread coming home if he'd be here and I had to face him. But, now it's fine. I have regained enough self respect and strength that it's not an issue for me. My mother is coming to visit, arriving on Tuesday, and this means there are no longer enough bedrooms... so he yesterday he started looking for a place to move. We discussed it calmly; I did tell him that if he could not find a place that would work, that mom and I would share a room-- I don't want him to have to sign a lease for something unworkable just because of her visit.

A week ago, I was a total wreck, in shock. Now I am much stronger. I accept this is happening, and it's okay. It's not what I wanted, but it is what's happening. No plan A for me-- I must focus on taking care of me. I will not be unkind, or rude. We are both being very reasonable and actually friendly about this.

At this stage, the D is like a project-- like doing taxes. It's paperwork, where we know what information needs to be completed, we just have to figure out the forms.

I'm staying in the house. I offered to give him a advance on his share of the proceeds from the eventual sale of the house, if that will help him.

We've agreed on how to split up the housecats... and I've agreed to keep his cat temporarily if he can't find a place that will take pets. But I hope he can find a place to take the cat, for both of their sakes.

I'm open to him taking some furniture, cookware etc right away so he has what he needs. He wants to store some stuff in the garage for a while, that's fine. It's all OK. Sad, yes. But this is what's happening, and I will be OK. I found some helpful books-- self help type stuff about coping with divorce. I took a job, for something to do-- and some money.

Mostly, I know that in a month or so, I'll be single. And I give myself permission to take some time to figure out how to make sense of this, and what to do next. I figure the rest of this year will be tough. Right now, I am in the "one day at a time" stage. I hope that after a while, I can handle thinking about several days in advance.

I'm entering a new stage in my life-- the "split up and start life over alone" stage. I think the splitting up will only take a month or so. The making sense of it, mourning, and sorting out my feelings will likely be a major part of the rest of this year.

My hope is that in 2004, I will be able to make some decisions about what comes next for me. I am sad, but I am not destroyed. I'm a "used wife" but I am not used up. I know this will be excruciatingly hard for a while, then it will improve to merely awful. And in time, I know I'll be ok.

I am a little late in joining but I would love to if I could.

I have been kindof plan A'ing since Dday! My guy left on March 7, 2003 for OW. They have been living together since March 9. OW bought a house for them and is catering to his every whim. It is enough to make me sick. I don't think I have been doing very well at Plan A. I know WH knows that I love him and want only to be with him - however he is very deep in the fog and is letting everything else that matters fade away. His work, his children, his friends, etc. Anything or anyone that does not agree with his new lifestyle and new found "love" (yuck!). All his friends and everyone is confused. Everyone, including myself, thought we had it made - this was very sudden.

OW is just out of a 7 year relationship as well were she was moving back to Virginia to be with her boyfriend - and seemingly very excited about it. She was a friend of mine - or so I thought.

Anyway, I am trying hard not to LB but everytime I see WH (because of our daughter) I am disgusted by the new clothes, OW's jewelry he wears, his attitude towards me, etc. We end on a somewhat positive note but he knows how to push my buttons and does so very well. I have asked him for is a little respect for me and consistancy with our daughter, as far as visitation. Neither has happened.

Talk about alien abduction - he is definately not the man I knew. Of course all my friends, family etc. tell me that he is not worth it. They can't see it from my side and they say good ridance. It hurts! I do love him and want this to work so I will join your little group for support and any ideas in Plan A if that is OK? I want him back and can't imagine that this will last with OW. I find myself grasping at straws, but I don't want to give up.

Welcome, CNF! My H moved in with his OW a few weeks after yours. So I'm in much the same boat.

Thank you AM Martin! It helps to know that I am not alone!

I was suppose to see WH over the weekend - he had his son my stepson and wanted to bring him over - he never called! He finally called at 8:45pm Sunday evening - which our D goes to bed normally at 8pm - he says just to say Hi and see how I was and to talke to Skylar our D. What is this? I told him that the phone had not been busy but in the evenings all weekend because I been working to landscape the front yard. He said that it was probably his fault. (I was thinking yeah! You didn't call - but I didn't say that of course!)

On the up side! I filled a EN in that short conversation! Yeah! The first I have been able to that I know of in a long time! My WH loves music and is very into 80's rock bands. Anyway the book written by Gene Simmons of KISS was released and the local Hastings had a few autographed copies - so I asked if he had read the paper - something we did every sunday morning - he said no that he hadn't seen it - so I told him about it and he seemed very pleased! Maybe an EN - who knows!

I found out from Step son that they will be moving into their new house (the fixer upper)in the next week or so. They took him (he is six) to the house and he said it was a mess! The yards were ugly and there was lots of spiders! He (step son) was not impressed and wants his room at our house back! This is very hard for him! He wants to see his dad (WH) but is not impressed with OW. It seems as if he just tolerates her for the most part.

Well that was my weekend - better get to work! I will check in later.

Hello cnf,

My stepkid(s) are living with me -- their preference. They don't think much of dad's new arrangements, either. Much of my Plan A/B has been making our home a happier place than it ever was, despite the disappearance of the head-of-household. So far, it's happened. Can you offer to keep stepson? A good excuse would be till they "settle down" -- but an unspoken reason is that it's stupid to move kids into a brand-new relationship that formed in adulterous (and hence, unstable) circumstances. One difficulty is winning over stepkids, so they don't feel like they are taking sides, or imposing on a non-blood parent. I've tried to make mine feel that I love THEM, regardless of my relationship with H.

Anyway, this has worked for me so far and I am happy for it.

Saw H socially twice this weekend -- once across a crowded room; I more or less dodged contact. The second time for a high-school performance. H's face lit up when he saw me, and he seemed a little discombobulated. Why? Oh well...both times he was with OW. H is doing pretty much an NC -- so I'm pretty much in Plan B right now. We'll see how it goes...

cnf -- Congratulations on the EN!

Thank A.M.! I hope it was an EN anyway!

About my stepson - WH doesn't think he is doing anything wrong and that SS is young enough to adjust. This is what I mean by total X-file alien abduction! WH has no logic when it comes to his situation. He thinks because he has chosen to move on that everyone else should accept it and move on with him.

WH has basically replaced me in every aspect of his life with OW. His family doesn't know what to do or how to act. His friends think he has lost it. His children think he doesn't love them. It is just a big mess. The fog is very very thick! I truely believe this is a temporary fling (even though it has been almost 4 months), that is why I am holding on. Among other obvious reasons.

My stepson and I have a wonderful relationship! His mother and I have actually become closer as a result of WH stupidness. I see him regularly! I go to his T-ball games and family functions at school and so on. WH does not! He really has his priorities screwed up!

Any thoughts on the phone call I received from him last night? I thought it was strange.

Yes, it is strange, but typical fog stuff. My own policy is to try not to analyze the strangeness (see my earlier post on this thread on my anniversary bill). Who knows why they are doing what they are doing? Best not to anaylyze; one is bound to be wrong.

One of the best pieces of advice I have received is: in the near-total news blackout, don't try to make any guesses about what is going on in the other household. Sometimes I assume all is going swimmingly for them -- but I try not to assume even that.

As far as stepson goes, it's not that what H is doing is right or wrong, it's that he has yet to prove that the new household will be more stable than the old. It's a new relationship. That takes it out of the moral realm, about which WSes everywhere love to argue.

Yes, my friends and family initially reacted just like yours. Friends, at least to my eye, are now accepting the situation. What they say behind my back I have no idea. I try not to pry people for opinions and gossip -- it just puts them in an awkward situation, and really doesn't give me much reliable info. Just more opinions. But I think most think it is weird.

And yes, it's pretty clear this one won't last -- which doesn't mean he'll come back, or even that I fully want him to come back. He would really, really have to be serious... We very much seem to be in the same boat!

cnf,

Welcome to our little thread.
Thanks for the info on your situation.

A.M.Martin,

I didn't realize that your stepchildren were living with you. That's pretty cool. Is their Mom in the picture at all?

Squeak,

I've been reading your other thread but I don't think I posted there. Sorry. I just don't know what to say about your situation. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

----- Update -----

I've been trying to meet my W's need for me to be a good and respected worker - hence my absence from this forum. I've got my computer at work set up so that every time I access MB, I have to type a password for every page that I visit. It just reminds me that I'm supposed to be working. My password is "IAmReallyStupid", which again, reminds me that if I loose my job because I spend my time reading MB rather than working, that will not be good for my marriage.

Things at home... are ... well... mixed.

W is there. That is good. There was SF recently. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> That is good. She doesn't seem to make any attempts to contact OM. She doesn't want a divorce right now. She talks about our future (but often with the "if we stay together" phrase in it).

Right now, there is a kind of a parenting crisis. I hesitite to write about it - because it's just one of those more-or-less normal things that people deal with in their families - and you might take it the wrong way. I love my W. She's a good Mom. Sometimes she's a great Mom. But sometimes she is overwhelmed by whining and screaming from our 2-year-old. I can see how it affects her - like some kind of torture.

Anyway, last night she put herself in some kind of banishment. I put D to bed in the MBR with me. W went to the other room and locked the door.

I'll call after awhile to see if things are OK.

Well, I hear people arriving and working. I'm off of here for the rest of the day.

-AD

Good Morning!

AM - I am trying the total blackout but it is hard. After 7 years we have alot of the same friends. And they call either to check on me or vent to me about what a jerk or whatever he is being at the time. It is very hard to see him throw away all he has worked towards over the past seven years. I am thinking Plan B is a better option some days - but am not sure if I have Planned A well enough?

AD - Thank you for the welcome! I am not sure what SF is - but the fact that she is still there must be hopeful at times. Difficult I know but hopeful!?!

Well - I decided last night that if WH should call this week to see Skylar that I will tell him that I am tired of arguing everytime I see him and that for all of our sakes we need to respect each other enough to just leave it alone for now. I am hurt and he is mad (about what I am still trying to figure out - I think he blames me for him leaving?) - I will tell him that I still love him very much and am very hurt but that I have only asked two things of him where we (his family) is concerned and would appreciate it if he would be respectful of those things. Hopefully that will help the tension between us?!?! I have so many questions about what I am doing? Any input would be great..

Thanks - Have a good day! Cherie

Free advice!

AD, Great plan about work. Congratulations! It will give you something else to think about besides the M, which will take pressure off both of you. Do you enjoy your job? Is it fun? I love mine, and work at home.

cnf, I wouldn't talk about not arguing, I would just do it. The way I worked with it was to pretend that my husband was a psychiatric patient, which, as aliens in a fog, they might as well be. You wouldn't try to talk reason to a psychiatric patient, would you? You wouldn't argue, would you? You would just be nice.

My blackout is not totally my decision -- H seems to be avoiding me. Can't say that isn't mutual, either. I suspect part of him doesn't want this minimal contact; part of me doesn't want this, either. But so help me, in my head every day I have a monologue where I am chewing him out for being such a jerk -- it's good that none of that can leak out. There is awkwardness on both sides. I have no idea what he's thinking. By nature, I am argumentative, so it's good I don't know. Something for me not to argue with.

Stepkids...yes, it's wonderful. My stepson has been here for two years. When H left, I wanted to send a very strong message that because H had stopped caring for me, I had not stopped caring for him. My big goal when H left was to bring joy and life back into our house again. I seem to have succeeded, at least to some extent! Now second stepkid has drifted our way, and seems to be spending the summer with us! Don't know how to reach the third yet -- thoughtful, college kid.

Their mother is in the picture, and is a dear person, but all three stepkids seem to have disaffection with both their parents. When H left, he wasn't thinking of them. I wanted them to have an environment where THEY are put first.

Our new home life has made me very happy, and brought me a good deal of contentment and joy.

AM - Thanks for the FREE Advice!

I didn't mean to talk to him about arguing - but basically to say that I still love him and that I don't want to argue anymore - WH is there to see D not argue with me. We never argued before so it is a little weird for me. We basically had a great relationship - we hardly disagreed about anything - so the last thing I want Skylar to remember is that her parents always argue when she is around. It is hurtful to her and us. One or the other of us just seem to get it going. We both are so hurt - even though he is the one that is doing the hurting - he seems to blame me for everything.

Another question - I am selling the house! He is not on the mortgage because of his previous marriage so it is in my name only. It has too many memories and right now is an excellent time to sell - I have alot of equity and will be able to pay everything off if I sell. Is this however, the ultimate LB??? I mean it was our home - we picked out together - which I guess means nothing since WH already picked out a house with OW - they are moving in this weekend. What is strange is that he said that he hasn't loved me for over two years - which during that time he has been the most wonderful - so I think it is a load of you know what! Anyway during the time he supposedly didn't love me anymore he paid of a loan of mine and redid the den spending approx. $700 in December 2002. Interesting huh? For a man who wanted to leave?

AM what kind of work do you do from home? I would love to start my own business from home but lack the direction as to what to do? Just curious.

Thanks again. Cherie

I wouldn't advise doing what I do from home. It's notorious for not paying well; it was only meant to be an adjunct to his income.

That's my next problem -- how I'm going to support this showboat. My house went up for sale when H moved out. We were planning to build a house together. Landlord was waiting for that. Now I'm thinking if there's some way of buying where I am. Will H build a house now with OW? Bad move if he does...will buying this house be an LB? I don't know.

Probably at this point, saying I love you is an LB. There's nothing worse than hearing "I love you" from someone you imagine you no longer love, and from whom you are trying to detach yourself. I'd work for no arguing -- just polite sweetness and emotional detachment. Let him wonder if you are losing your feeling for him. If you've said I love you lately, he'll remember. It's too close to pleading, and they hate that.

<small>[ July 02, 2003, 12:22 PM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

Mornin' Ladies,

I do read your posts, really. (I had to type my password "IAmReallyStupid" about 12 times to get here and post.)

Well, this started as a "Plan A", and as time goes on, it is less and less that - and just regular life. Maybe that is the untimate goal.

No, the ultimate goal is for my W to fall in love with me. Right now, that seems about as likely as me winning the Olympic gold medal in Men's ice skating. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Maybe that's a good metaphore. I really need to be training hard to win W's love. hmmmm.

Still, I'm trying to do my part to keep this thread alive. That's easier. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'm doing much better at work - at least in the number of hours that I spend really working and not looking at MB or reading the news or whatever. Some people seem impressed that I sent them email at 1:30am the other night. So, at least my boss knows I'm trying hard. The on-line stock market is still somewhat of a time-waster, but I *have to* do that - since I made more money in the market in my IRA last year than I did in my real job. I just have to keep my time on that to a minimum. Yesterday, I wasted a bit of time there. Today, I'll do better.

Diet. Still stuck in the starting gate. "Big Texas Sweet Roll" from the vendo for lunch yesterday. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Life at my house...

I forgot to take the garbage out to the street yesterday morning. What a lame little failure. Can't I do something more exciting to be a bad husband? W called me at work to ask me if I had done it (she knew I hadn't). She reminded me again last night. Things like that really make her angry. If she reminds me (or makes a note), I do it. It's not that I'm lazy, I just forget. LB. Ooops. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Yesterday evening, W skipped her class <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I hope she'll not be dropping it.

I come home from work early so she can make it to her class. So, since she stayed home, I went back to work and worked til 9pm. I'm trying to catch up.

W is a a little calmer about the situation with our 2-year-old. She's not talking about running away anymore. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> (The W, not the 2-year-old.) Apparently, they had an OK day together at home.

After I got home, W and I put D to bed. I did the bath and dressing. Dressing is the worst part, since D fusses, whines, screams - and tries to get away. After I got her calmed down and laying beside me while I read "The Cat in the Hat", W came and read part of another story to her, but D wasn't listening. W realized that D was ready to get into her crib and put her there. She was right. She has a good sense of that.

W asked for a massage. It's been awhile since I did that. She likes it. I like it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ... and this time, she just about fell asleep while I was doing the massage. We were in the "other" bedroom - since D is sleeping in the MBR. (I hope that makes sense). When I finished the massage, I went back to MBR to sleep. It's not like an official thing - just sometimes W sleeps over in the "other" bedroom.

Little things. Little things...

-AD

Good Morning AM & AD!

Thanks AM for the advice! I will be nice - that is my problem - at least that is what everyone tells me - I am too nice - especially when it comes to him. But I will work on it.

Glad to hear things are going well AD! Keep up the good work...

I am having a harder time then normal! July 4th will be our anniversary and July 29th will be the anniversary of when we started dating. I am not sure what to do. WH and OW are moving into a new house (fixer upper, Ha!) that OW purchased this weekend. What to do? I am going out of town for a family reunion! He says that it is over and that he is "In Love" with OW and that they are planning there future together. I just don't know how to handle it right now? Any ideas?

Thanks Cherie

Cherie, I'd get out of town for your anniversary. Do something different. Anything not to feel dreary (see earlier posts on this thread for my weird anniversary). If you are always nice, you might try sounding a little distant, as well as nice, when you talk to him. What do you think?

AD, You are doing wonderfully! Forgetting to take out the trash is no big deal, I do it all the time. Really, really, you are doing wonderfully. As for diets, one thought might be to find something low-cal you really, really like and have that around. I'm a fiend for strawberries, for example!

H drove by yesterday as I was in the driveway with half-a-dozen cars (he has to go past our house to go almost anywhere). Head kept turning to look -- thought he would drive off the road. That's kind of a contact, I guess!

<small>[ July 02, 2003, 01:31 PM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>