Hi You Guys:
I should have been back a whole lot sooner. I hope you will continue to help me although I thought that I could make it on my own. You see, I was abducted by aliens.

Backtracking for those of you that may not know my story: D-Day was 12/31/02. WS stayed home through the month of January while I continued with PLAN A, thinking that he was not leaving. He had plans all the time of moving into a condo 02/03. I guess the new condo was not ready yet. After one week in the condo, he called and stated that he had made a mistake and wanted to work on coming home. At this time, he was nicer than he had been during the month of January. In January, although I was doing PLAN A, he remained hostile, distant and cold and spent weekends away with the OW.

From the beginning of February, we talked or saw each other almost daily. I have to admit now that I became just like the OW. He kept his relationship with me a secret from her, presenting her as being like Glen Close in Fatal Attraction and stating that he was working on "a plan" to get out of the relationship. In fact, her sister was working in his office and left March 1, which was when the A was supposed to end. He kept putting me off until April.

April 1, he delivered the NC letter, we went off for a trip out West. She showed up at our doorstep that night looking for him, according to our teenage son.I thought it was a special trip and we had a wonderful time. We arrived home on Monday. To make a long story short, Tuesday night I caught him with her at the condo. I embarassed to say, I tried to fight him that night and he fought me back. It was a dangerous situation. She was there but did not intervene.

What I'm getting ready to report sounds crazy but is true. The very next day, we talked all day and he requested to try again. He stated a realization that he had gone "insane" about thi situation. He came over and apologized to our son. He stayed home for 3 weeks, until April 30. In fact, he moved all of the furniture from the condo into this house. All of the furniture except the bed, that is.

Yesterday, we signed legal separation papers. Steve H. recommended that I seek the separation. You see, what I ended up doing unknowingly was to enable his A. By having contact with him, he was able to have his cake and eat it too. He was able to adjust to the condo, even seemed to begin to enjoy his time there better.

I'm looking for your help and suggestions. Steve did not specifically tell me to do PLAN B, just to obtain the legal separation to protect myself. My WS actually labels his A an "addiction" and he is not knowledgeable of the MB principles. He knows his behavior is wrong and the A is destructive but he can't stay away from her. My problem is that he has made this choice.

Do I do PLAN B? Otherwise, won't he do the same thing again. He already is putting off getting the furniture and is wanting me to help him with the separation arrangements. He has been more than generous in the separation agreement, paying a huge amount of alimony and child support.

I'm having a lot of trouble with not contacting him. You see, I've been in more real contact with him over the past few months than I have had in years when he had distanced himself from me. Then BOOM, he wants to leave again

What do I do now???????

<small>[ September 15, 2003, 12:34 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Please help me. Any suggestions are welcomed.

Hi Mimi

I am sorry you find yourself back at MB. I know that from time to time, we all need to take a break from MB because we either think our lives should be lived putting into practice the things we have learned, or that it can at times, become depressing. I think I tend to spend far too much time here, but hey, this is about you, not me.

Mimi, firstly don't forget how quiet the weekends can be. If you don't get responses, remember to bump up the thread on Monday morning when more people will be here.

I am so sorry that your discovery of continued contact led you to be physical with your H and him in return to you. I have to say I fully empathise with this, having only recently confessed here the particular physical nature of my R with H (predominantly him towards me), but that on 1 particular occassion, I just lost it completely. I understand how this can make you feel as an individual.

Now, if Steve H recommended sepearation and not Plan B, what did he recommend? And as for you, if you do not go to Plan B (given that SH said you had been enabling the A), what would you suggest as an alternative? I'm putting the ball back in your court, because I have to say that only you can really decide whether or not it is time for Plan B, and all the well meaning advice - hey, it is just that advice. It is your life not ours. So, I would ask you the question, if you are making arrangements for a legal separation, do you think it is appropriate to continue Plan A (given SH's advice about enabling)? Have you talked to him again about whether to Plan B or not?

Mimi, once again, I am so sorry that you are back here after hoping that your M was going well in recovery. Take care of yourself, what are you doing for you, and keep posting?

Lisa

<small>[ May 10, 2003, 12:26 PM: Message edited by: Lisa in London ]</small>

Lisa,
Thanks for responding. Steve has never talked to me in terms of "PLAN A" or "PLAN B". He just tells me specifically what to do and then if I don't ask him a particular question I don't get an answer. Hope that makes sense. He told me to proceed with the separation which I did. He then told me not to tell him beforehand that I would not have contact. He did not want me to give my WS an "ulimatum".

My concern about PLAN B is not being able to stick with it. My WS has a habit of getting me to backdown with my actions so I have to follow a plan that I can really follow through with. It is best for me to have no contact with him but I'm not sure I'm strong enough at this point to do that. Honestly we have had such great times together over the past few months. Of course, he has been seeing the OW at the same time or having some sort of contact with her.

I've been wondering where you went! I was hoping things had turned out well <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Objectively, it's Plan B or share your H with another woman. None of us can make that choice for you, but one thing is for sure, it will take him a long time(if at all) to realize what he has to lose unless you go to a strict Plan B. If you keep doing what you're doing now and have been in the past, you can expect to get more of the same from him.

If you haven't read Dobson's Love Must be Tough, you might want to read it now. Remember, no consequences means no motivation to change.

Everyone has given you some good advice. I don't think Steve H told you to plan seperation unless he meant Plan B. Ofcourse you and h are getting along great right now. Ofcourse he is being generous with alimoney/child support. It's almost a pay-off to you for his wrong doings. It helps ease his guilt. You are enabling his behavior. He knows the routine now, you catch him, get angry and then become so afraid that he will dump you altogether and chose to be with OW that you give in and let him have you and her. I only hope that if you are still sexual with him that you have been USING PROTECTION! Because that means he is sleeping with both you and OW and that is very unhealthy. The only thing that stops anything from changing in this scenerio is FEAR. As long as you have fear of being alone or losing him completely then he will continue to do as he pleases. JMO

How so I get rid of the fear? Do you think that my marriage has a chance if I do PLAN B? Do I write a PLAN B letter? He still has all of his furniture from the condo and most of his clothes here? Do I arrange for him to come get his stuff without me being home? Do I start PLAN B immediately? Any help with answers to these questions would be appreciated.

What made me get caught up in this web? I was not aware that I was enabling. It felt so good to feel like he loved me again. Don't you think that he made some sort of change as a result of my PLAN A?

More about getting rid of the fear. Would it be helpful to begin to grieve-"face it, it's over as one friend said. Or do I believe that Plan B is my best hope for the marriage. I'm thinking that I should not give up hope. Even my WS tells me not to give up hope. Of course, he continues to want us both, right? Is that a conscious preference of his, you think?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mimi1254:
<strong>More about getting rid of the fear. Would it be helpful to begin to grieve-"face it, it's over as one friend said. Or do I believe that Plan B is my best hope for the marriage. I'm thinking that I should not give up hope. Even my WS tells me not to give up hope. Of course, he continues to want us both, right? Is that a conscious preference of his, you think?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mimi,

Good to hear from you but sorry to hear your H is backsliding again. However, this is quite common as long as they stay in that fog.

Remember that plan B is NOT always the end of a M. It is a display that you will no longer take that roller coaster ride and that you choose to move forward.

When those reoccuring d/ds happened to us, I finally got soooo sick and tired, I told him I wanted out of their sicko game. He claimed no games were going on but the OW clearly showed she was in a contest. I wasn't. So I sent him to her and told him I wanted my $$$$. She promised him health and $$$. He came back poorer and sick. I was fumming. So when d/d came up again, it was much easier to implement plan B and send him out, even in the dead of winter. No more excuses. Could not feel sorry for him.

What those actions did for me was bring me the relief I didn't know I had lost. The A drained me sooo much and in such a subtle way that I didn't realize I was running on empty. After a while one does not realize how bad off we are emotionally.

L.

Thanks Orchid. I've have been feeling the need to get out of their sick system but of course I am finding it hard to do. You're right it's sick how I feel like she's beginning to be part of my life. He's told me so much about her lately and of course her life was sordid compared to my holy, godly life. He's chosen that for now. That's what so unbelievable. That he could knowingly choose an evil life.

What does d/ds stand for?

d/d (multiple discovery days). YUCK

He is not in a logical state of mind. Doesn't matter how good or even bad you may be. You will not be able to understand his choices so if you can don't waste your precious time and energy on it.

L.

Mimi -

When I read your story, I could relate so much to it. WH and I got into a physical altercation with OP in the apartment too. It's yucky, horrible and sad to see where your marriage and life goes once an A has taken ahold of it.

All I can say is "me too" on the situation of WH saying "don't give up on us, etc., etc." I wanted to believe it so badly. He has even made references to "when this is over" meaning the A. I let H come home multiple times and each time he started contacting OP. Each time, I asked him to leave but once he left I would still spend a lot of time with him. One day I hijacked his cell phone and listened to messages of OP professing her love for him and I snapped. I declared Plan B and for the first time stuck with it as much as our situation allows (see my signature).

Once you get used to it, Plan B is soooo much easier than Plan A. You start concentrating on yourself and your own life rather than his and OPs. It allows you to get off the roller coaster and has allowed me the freedom to say, "despite our years together and our children, this man is no longer right for me and I deserve better. I am scared and face the future with uncertainty but I know that better days are ahead, be it with another person or not."

It is only in the instances (like today when WH dropped off 3 yo and gave me a mothers day gift) that I get very mentally involved with his life and that of the OPs.

From reading your posts, I don't think your WH is going to change under your current operating proceedure. If you are willing to live with OW in your life, continue on. If you are unwilling, go to Plan B and your marriage may work out or you may learn that you can be happy without him too.

Best wishes to you.

Mimi,

When you disappeared, I think most people here were hoping that everything had resolved and you didn't need MB (although we wished you would have sent a good bye post before leaving!) Sorry this is not the case and sorry to hear your news.

I'll repeat some stuff I said to you a while ago. Remember when I said focus on you. Go on those hikes, get out and meet people, make your H wonder a bit. I think he is so comfortable figuring you will always be there. I think he's had a year of having OW on the side, and you too! Maybe now is the time to let him find up what it is like to depend on OW, what life is like with her.

I don't know if you need a formal Plan B. Definitely follow Steve's advice. My advice is as follows= 1) Be pleasant but very business like with your H. Hold him to the financial agreements and PROTECT yourself. 2) Go a little dark on him. Don't always be available. Really focus on you, get out there and work on making a life for yourself without him. 3) Enforce a visitation agreement with him. Make him take your son every other weekend. Tell him and son that you are under too much stress and you need time to heal. You need time alone. 4) Your official mantra is that your heart is breaking over the loss of your marriage but you are trying to cope as best you can and deal with the fact that he has chosen OW and is making a life with her. Always say this calmly but sorrowfully. 5) Let him HANG HANG HANG with OW. Don't make yourself available to him. 6) Don't push him to get his furniture. It's his problem at this point. Let him figure it out. Ignore him, don't discuss stuff with him. Avoid him. But if you are in contact with him, be polite but cut off communication quickly.

Good luck.

PS. I understand about the fear! I felt it too. It's terribly painful. Get anti Ds if necessary. remember being in the triangle is agony, you deserve better.

<small>[ May 10, 2003, 10:21 PM: Message edited by: espoir ]</small>

Dueinjan:
Did you write a PLAN B letter? I'm wondering whether I should distance myself from him without writing a letter.

Espoir:

So wonderful to hear from you. As always, your feedback is very helpful. Your approach is almost exactly what I was thinking about using. I'm not sure I'm strong enough yet to commit to PLAN B and I don't want him to see me back down.

I did a great thing today which might be a sign of a new me. I invited 3 of my best girlfriends over to dinner and spilled the whole beans to them for the first time. They were so amazed that they could hardly eat. It was wonderful. Their feedback was extremely helpful. They, like you, encouraged me to focus on myself. They made me see how obsessed I am with my WH and OW. They stressed how I do not belong in their way of life. That I do not want to go their gutter level. You see my WS kept reporting to me all this info about their sordid life and the sickness of their relationship. It seemed he needed to be with me to get some respite from that. You're right I'm going to let him stay in that world since that's the world that he has chosen. I plan to stay out of that triangle!

I will stay on MB this time in order to help to stay focused.

I have been following Jen Brown's thread regarding readiness for PLAN B.

I'm thinking that I need to work on building up my self-confidence, not allowing myself to be manipulated by my WS before doing PLAN B. Otherwise, I feel that I will fail and not be tough enough.

My PLAN A resulted in my WS "considering me as an option" and beginning to cake-eat. In previous months, he had shut me out completely. I ultimately fail at meeting his need for ADMIRATION since OW is 16 years younger, from a different class and educational level, finding everything that he does to be wonderful. Also he excited about the idea of making her over, sending her to college, etc. YUKK!

I'm thinking that I will use the LOVE IS TOUGH approach and have minimal to no contact with WS without sending the PLAN B letter. I really have to learn to live without him. I am dependent on him in so many ways, having been with him since age 18. That is a long time,30 years. He recognizes my dependency and neediness and uses it as a means of control and manipulation. That is starting to really piss me out.

For financial reasons, I have to limit my sessions with Steve to an as needed basis. Thinking back over our session, he definitely wanted me to agree to the legal separation that was being requested by my WS. He felt that I needed this in order to not give up "HOPE" about my marriage since my WS was being so "HURTFUL" and he is so strongly "ADDICTED". Steve had plenty opportunity to recommend a PLAN B letter but he did not.

I'm certainly in a different place than I have been in the past. I continued to have the desire to drive by her place and his place to see if she is there. However, I have not been in despair about them being together.

Your thoughts about this would be greatly appreciated.

Happy Mother's Day to all!!!

Another question: Most say I should stay away from the OW. She seems to think she is in control of the situation and is trying to portray me as nutty and out of control. However, should I tell her that my WS was seeing me on the side for the past 3 months. Would she believe this now since all of the condo furniture is here and all they have is a bed over there. That is, unless, he went out this weekend and bought more furniture.

Hello mimi1254

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Another question: Most say I should stay away from the OW. She seems to think she is in control of the situation and is trying to portray me as nutty and out of control. However, should I tell her that my WS was seeing me on the side for the past 3 months. Would she believe this now since all of the condo furniture is here and all they have is a bed over there. That is, unless, he went out this weekend and bought more furniture.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you really want to do this? I don't get it you are planing for separation or plan B and want to contact OW?

I don't see anything good coming out of it, besides confrontation, beating you out because she is younger and anyway that is not a way to fight for your H. Yes I know we want to hurt OW's sometimes but I think in this case you would be the one comming out more hurted so stay away! that is what is called sepparation or plan B.

Take care

Thanks for responding. I don't think I'll contact her. Just want to do something. I have to learn to just sit back and wait.

Remember it's not about HER! Do not waste your precious energy and time thinking about her. In thinking about her you give her power. Forget about her and focus on what you need to do. She'll hang her own self in time, she's got plenty of rope.