Matilde,

Where's that happy dancing smilely face???? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I am very happy for you. Keep up the good work and don't trip over his toes. eehhh uhhhm... I mean shoes. LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

L.

Hey Orchid!

Thank you for stepping by!

hummm let's see...the happy dancing smilely face... how about this???

Some latin music....and <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ....

or... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> is this better????

Yeah yeah I know I'm being silly but I'M HAPPY!

SO more happy dancing smilely faces to all of you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Another update here....

In all the week was slow seeing at H... but I give him this.. each free moment he got, he either called me or msged me (long week at classes at MBA, very demanding ones). I didn't felt neglected at all... that is good right???

Last friday like today 2 co-workers came here and we spend dancing until 6 am... today just until 2 am, I was very tired...well the story goes like this..

Out of the blue they called and asked to came here to talk something and have a nice time... I don't know why but at some point that lead to dance and we had tooooo much good time..... today they wanted to repeat and I didn't had plans so they called late and I said ok go ahead come here np...

The thing was that H had told me he would come here... but since I had not talked to him in the whole day I thought he forgot or anything... You see this is not the first time he is too tired and felt sleep or something... so I was not really waiting on him...

So they came, but I was missing some tonic water for some drinks and they went to buy something and I stayed here.. after about half an hour the intercom rings and you know who was that right?? MY H!!! SO I was like well I don't know you have not talked to me .. but go ahead come up!.. in a while H had to go down to look for something in the car.. and at the same time friends arrived... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> they didn't understood what H was doing here!
They knew we where separated, but not that things looked THIS good... they hardly recognize H because of the pounds he took off <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

Anyway they all came here and we had a great night dancing again... that as the original plan anyway right? hehehe.

Well we (me and friends) had done this the last week the problem was that H didn't knew since I have not told him this LOL! and he was a little lost on the story... so eventually he figured out I was having fun without him.. and he even asked me if I wanted him to stay and I say sure this is your home you know? And I also told him... as you see it was NOT like I was waiting on you... no matter what I decided to go on with my life wich is true. YES I know a lot of you might see this as a LB... but the thing was that H was amazed!!! and he told me finally! that is what I was wanting from you all the time! (I guess it was having fun and not depending on him??)

We talked some about the future.... and I did ask him... look we are having good times but I trully don't know on what are you waiting to come back... he told me please don't pressure me the more you pressure the farther I will go.. I said look I'm not pressuring you I just want to know what I'm missing... yeah dumb me like he was going to tell me the clue of the success... he told me he didn't knew like he was waiting on the moment his mind clicked and he would return home.. that please I should think that a month ago I wouldn't dream on him comming here.. that the come back is more near than I thought... but please don't push it... and I said ok.. but is not going to be like you want to come back and that's it... and he was like what? I told him .. there are going to be conditions you know? and he told me .. humm like? ...I said like what are you going to do to prevent this for ever happening again???... so he acknowledge this and said there would be conditions on both sides.. and I know that is ok since I wouldn't also take it the other way.. but that we talk about in the future....(geee I hate to have a H this smart... sometimes I would rather settle for a dumb one LOL, too hard to paly mind games with him, but then again I came to know I'm also a lot smart!), that anyway he didn't knew what I was doing, but whatever that was it was woking big time in him!... errrrr doesn plan A rign a bell here? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

The great news on this is that friends where amazed on the changes on us... last week they told me they couldn't believe how happy I seemed to be compared to 5 months ago and I was irradiating happiness and knowledge? That I was sooo changed! yeah right so much fo rthe A and crazy diet and MB.... on H this is great it truly is... just a few months before dday ...each time we had friends here he tryed to avoid some how being with them or even talk.. now they told me this is the first time he has talked to us like this! we never had really talked to him... WOW he has changed so much!!! (besides the pounds he also took of they hardly recognized him)... so this is great news....

Well the night ended with H going about at 1:30 am (he was really beated) and friends about 2:30 am.

In all a great night....

<small>[ July 26, 2003, 03:24 AM: Message edited by: matilde ]</small>

OK Mati,

we have MUCH to discuss....

seems i have to come to the boards for the whole story

chat later

Simmy

It's been a while since I have not updated.

Things seem going in the right direction with me and H, we have fun, we are finally having serious talks, not just A related but many topics, BUT still we remain separated.

Today I asked him, what was STILL holding him back from comming home because frankly I don't think things can get better than this while we remain like that.

his answers:

to you.... or from you?

I said is there is a difference?

He said:

Yes.....
TO YOU: faith....... vision...... regrowth
FROM YOU: courage...... commitment.......... feelings

Ok I'll try to explain what I get from this, but maybe some of you got a wider optic than me.

The To you part in my scope:
Faith... froms his side: Faith on me? faith on the M? faith on the future?.
Vision.... hummm I thought we both shared the same goals? so what are we talking about here?. Regrowth.... like I have to evolve? I don't know what he wants from me at this point, hummm does he want me to become a different person? I'm happy on who I'm, I'm sure I have some "bad" issues but I'm working on them, but I can not go and change all over just to show him I can be different from who I really am right? I mean I don't want to wear a costume just to get him back, I'm who I'm and I like who I'm. I always been a cristal for him, he knows who I'm and that is scaring me like he didn't like the real me? hummm maybe puting too many thoughts here but this got me off base.

Well I think is about time to fill up those questionaries again.

I can understand the from you part better

Courage...... Well him bein a conflict avoider... it requires a lot of courange to confront "real" life again with all the downs that the path throw at us. I mean I hope he said that in a sense to really work things out, and not to keep living in fantasy land.

Commitment..... Why is that hard to commit? I think the worse already happened, we have BOTH learned a lot, and now that we did he is afraid to commit and make a better M? Maybe that have to relate with his 3rd topic

Feelings... I'm worried are not at this thing. First you can get feeling growth again. They are a choice and if you work hard enough on rebuilding love, you will get it in time.
The part I'm worried is that in all this time, his love has not growed at all? Well I'm in plan A, and to think that it has not made a difference really scares me.

So please if someone can throw me some light on this, or even questions I'll be more than happy, because I really like to understand all this.

Matilde,

Maybe I'm misunderstanding the situation. My feeling is that he's setting vague, undefinable expectations so that if he decides he doesn't want things to work you, he can blame YOU for not meeting them. I may be way off base, but that's my impression. You know him better than we do, so do you think it's a possibility?

Dobie

Hi Dobie

Thank you for answering my post.

Since I didn't understood it either, and apparently a lot of people, I HAD to ask him what he meant. I didn't want to push it, but as you said, those generics where giving me any guide to work on. So his answers where this...

He explained that the things that still hold him to me where the to you parts (together).

So in that aspect

Faith: He has faith in me and in us. We didn't elaborate on that but I will in the future. He also said is faith what giveus energy to move on.

Vision: He see us together.

Growth: We need to regrowth a lot of good all and new feelings. Like look again for those feelings that made us be together and develop new ones.

So the from you part are the things that hold him against me (us).

Courage: He needs the strength to understand what happened and overcome all that and go on. How we want to organize out lifes from now on. and it wil require a lot of courage to work on all that.

Commitment: How much of those changes we are willing to support and work on, and are in corcondance on what we want.

Feelings: How are we going to overcome out bad feelings when things went wrong. And also we have to develop new ones.

There was a lot I wanted to tell him about all this. And a few I did like.

I understand him much better now, we are talking like in the old days, when we could spend a lot of time talking like nothing else matter (this I felt on the saturday night).

But about what he said, regarding feelings and such, he told me, that it was not going to be like in the past, that when someone was mad, we assumed the why, we didn't ask it so we where working on assumptions BIG mistake! Now we are going to ask. But in that aspect wich is good, he told me that is going to be hard to work on challenging ones. In that I dissagreed and I explained him, that is not like in the past when we encountered a problem and either runned from it, badly fix it or did nothing. This time I think we have the tools to fix many things, and if not I told him we are going to seek help, on books, IC or whatever it took to get it fixed.

So according to that feelings again I think I'm not so worried as him about them. Why? Because I still love him very much and I know I can work on him to rebuild that love.

But I did told him, that loves is based on many things, and he has to help me on work on his love MB theory here. I asked him to read the book (HNHN), so he can help me work on his needs. That I know the MBA and work is very time consuming, but that didn't matter much more than life or M, so he has to take some time to read the book and give me a guide. He promised he will and I know is going to be very hard to him since he has never been a reader. But I refuse somehow to keep walking blindy on this. He is a very complicated man, sometimes I wish he been more simple, but again since he never really communicated his feelings before and almost 9 years later it didn't worked, how can I expect it to work again? That is crazy. I trully hope he realizes the MEANING on this.

The good news are that we spend a lot of time together here at home on the weekend, and I also asked him how he felt? better? the same? worse than before? He told me the same... and I was like WHAT? (I'm busting myself on plan A for the same?) But he explained the same as when he felt we where together! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> So that was GOOOOD!

Another thing I discovered this weekend is a HUGE need of him that well I guess I knew but I didn't gave it the importance and I thin NOW that is in his top 3 needs wich is DS can u believe this on a guy? Well yessss I been too lazy on the house I know. If I think on family pattern I got the answer on that, but there is no reason for it to be like that anymore, even now that I discovered it. We spend like the whole weekend organizing home and we took OUT a lot of junk and organized like crazy! And he loved that, we are even making plans on how to improve it! I'm glad we did but still much work to do.

I want to end this with another comment if Suz is reading... you know I took out the rules from the fridge regarding rule #5 especially. I was not successful on hiding it ... you see we did a lot of work here and I put that paper on the printer again turned over. I was doing work on the computer room and I realized H took the paper and was reading it. When he looked at me and at my face, he took the paper back and asked ... can I read it? and I said sure go ahead. I thought he already did anyway. In all he liked the rules. But I know rule #5 again was a big rule to live on... since I know you don't remember it it was make a BIG change on you so H came out of the fog faster. Well I'm on it and this DS is one of those, I just have to keep at it alone and he take notice that THAT change is also a permanent one, because I intend to make it a permanent one! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ... thanks again for those...(even if u made it fast)

<small>[ August 11, 2003, 01:31 AM: Message edited by: matilde ]</small>

First the solution so you can read the post in peace without the system restarting each minute...

In short if your machine is having this problem

System Shutdown:

This system is shutting down. Please save all work in progress and log off.
Any unsaved changes will be lost. This shutdown was initiated by NT
AUTHORITY/SYSTEM

Windows must now restart because the Remote Procedure Call (RPC) service
terminated unexpectedly.

Then go to this URL, and download and isntall the proper patch

Patch

Each time u connect you are going to still receive the error. SO apply patch offline.

Also if you are @ modem speed and in a minute you can not download you might need to ask a friend to take it and send in zipped chunks via email for you can download in a minute 200 kbytes files.

Ok enough support and WHY I know this today? Here is my update.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Keep in mind I was having this error for like a week now, but it was so random and my computer was behaving that erratically that I didn't took notice of the fatality on it until today...

Last night, I was in a romantic writing mood, and also I was hit by the feelings thing on my H... Like how he can not see those? So I decided to write him an email at least about my feelings...

In that email I expresed a few of the things that made me LOVE him, why I loved him, still do and always will.

I'm not going to post it but if u read the mail that I posted before that one was nothing compared to this one.

Anyway... I talked today with him on the phone and he had not said ANYTHING from the email, so I didn't asked also but I was wondering why he has not answered or acknowledged that one??? I didn't asked per Nerly's past advice and I leave it at that.

So today I started working again doing technical support on computers free lance, and at the place I went they had 2 computers with the problem I described before, so I had to do the research on the fix (that is why I knew) and I'm glad so I could fix mine.

So I arrived here... and was going to apply the patch to both of my computers and I did on desktop, but when I "woke" up laptop from stand by mode... THERE IT WAS! H's reply! He has sended it this morning to my msn chat, and since I was sleeping (got to bed in the morning) I have not saw it until today at night!!!

His answer? Yes I'm going to post that one here

How wonderful your email was.......is the most espectacular thing that I ever read in ALL MY LIFE.....you know something.... I think that when I told you feelings I never pondered them that way, and I NEVER could have wrote something that espectacular.....

You are unique, especial, hard, just, centered, perfect (or in ways to) and that you can not find everyday!

ahhhhhh.... by the way good morning!, because after this mines where EXCELENT!

Sooooo yes it was not my email BUT... WOW!!! This words from MY H are a huge step! and I'm very happy on those. I guess that is a thing on being a women that I love... express feelings right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

My plan? Still on plan A, hoping to do the questionaries soon, do some reading and keep hoping.

M!

My BIL has this issue and hubby spent all last night and this morning cleaning it up. This security breach allowed w32.blaster.worm to infect his machine. Please check out the link below. The worm was discovered yesterday...

http://us.mcafee.com/virusInfo/default.asp?id=description&virus_k=100547#characteristics

<small>[ August 16, 2003, 10:49 PM: Message edited by: matilde ]</small>

Another update on my part.

This weekend has just been wonderful.

Friday night. H was out of his Masters and came here for like 30 minutes. I was not expecting him but it was a good surprise. We talked some but he was really tired and he left.

Saturday, we both woke up late, and he arrived around 2pm. We ordered chineese, and saw a dvd movie (we didn't finish it because it triggered me a little). We talked some more and... We STARTED DOING THE QUESTIONARIES!!!!.... was not that great???. After that we got a call from some friends who are going to leave this country and went to pick up japanese food and bring it here. We ate, watched some tv, talked and they all left around 12 am (including my H). I stayed until very late in the morning reading here...

Sunday I was suppoused to go to gym with my H, and had a BBQ at my folks (I'm the one that cook's then in the family heheh so no BBQ if I'm not there). My dad called around 9:30 am to tell me at what time we were suppoused to be eating and I was like in my first dream it was crazy I thought it was like 6 pm!.
Anyway at that time H has not woke up yet and I left a msg for him into his MSN to call me to go to gym so I'll be ready when he came here to pick me up.

Well he never called me, BUT he came here and woke me up with kisses and hugs at 12:30pm!!!

I had already told him that I had this BBQ that can not miss, we already discussed if he wanted to come, not ready yet to be in a family reunion.. so anyway that didn't gave me time to go to gym and to parents, so we split. He went to the gym, and I went to my parents.

I had a good time there with my family and they keep telling me I keep up at the pounds. To tell the truth, I have not diet that hard, but I had tryed to mantain wich is good. But the saw me in better shape (good motivation to continue).
Then around 4:30 pm I went to my in laws, we previously had arranged that we were going to meet there, and I spend there like 2 hours. My H took a bath he was comming from the gym and I had also a good time there.

Then we came home again, H had some chineese left overs for lunch,and tryed to watch another movie, heheh this one we didn't saw also. We spend the whole movie talking!! This is incredible...

Then we put some music (piano) and did the questionaries again!!! we finished them but the FS inventory. I guess we finish it the next weekend or some time soon.

Then we chit chated some more and he left.
It was really a very good weekend, I was very relaxed and H also and I guess we are on the right track.

Tonight with H, we were reviewing the questionnaires we did last weekend, and on the EN's one, my H did something that I thought funny, but since he is very analitical and loves numbers... Well after that the result it was an eye opener for both of us....

Well here it's what he did...

We ranked our needs in the end of the questionnaire... then he substracted his from mines or mines from his and the result was another number...

Example:

Need His Rank My Rank Result

Affec 4 3 1
Rec C 1 6 5

And so on we kept at that...

Well the result on those numbers... the top high numbers were the problems in our M, or the conflicts we knew we had but we never confronted or really worked on those? Have you done this?

Interesting excercise....

Honesty. My #2 ranked need. AND NOW HE KNOWS IT…

Here is what happened.

A few days ago, I was looking credit card statements, and I found a charge on and electronics shop here. I made a note on asking H about it. We already discussed about share all financial information BEFORE doing it to POJA it. The charge was made before we discussed this.

So I had on Tuesday a romantic dinner prepared, and we discussed the questionnaires and talked much. When he was leaving almost at the elevator I asked him. What about this charge I saw at the credit card? He told me that was me buying a cheap stereo system for my room because I wanted to listen to music. Hummmm ok H is a fan of stereos I felt for it.

Thursday night, we had a BBQ at a bday party of some friends. H told me he was going to pick me up at 8 - 8:15. I was decided to wait until 9 pm. Someone here told me to wait until 8:30 and if by that time he has not arrived, go alone. I said ok…. And I did really intend to for that… But I played a game and time flew… anyway around 8:55 pm I said wow is late I’m going alone, but I have lost my car keys. I spend like 10 minutes looking for then without luck and by that time H arrived and we went to the BBQ. Must of the time we spend arguing about him and his bad timing with me. Things settled down some more and after BBQ he came up and we got into a lot of topics. Result he was going to be more careful on time ok…

Friday, he sent an email about MB weekend again, and invitation to go (It didn’t looked like, but he explained that was the format from his company). At night we decide to go out and he said I’ll pick u up at 9 pm, I’m not going to lie about the time but I don’t think I can get out sooner than that. I said ok np.

I went to my parents, and spend most of the afternoon cleaning home. Then a friend called to help me and I said ok and I picked him up. I told H about him (friend) calling, and that I was going to pick him up and he was going to help. H said ok I would love that. Before y’all jump at me… he is gay, and about 12 years younger than me so no danger, and for sure I could use his help or at least company, in finish cleaning home.

Ok so we finished, and started playing computer games and or chatting (he with his couple &#61514;). Time flew and H arrived home at 9:04. Good for the time part…. BUT…

Just as he came up. I have not taken a look at him that hard, but H told me he had to go out and get his inhalator (asthma) thing up. I said ok go ahead…

So he went and by this time I did took a good look. Friend was chatting with his boyfriend, and I decided to make H some company. What I saw, was that in one pocket, he got his cell phone, the one he supposedly lost, the one who was company phone, the one he was not supposed to take out of the company, the one that he didn’t answered while he was making calls or was with OW, the one that made me found out, the one he was NOT supposed to have anymore… So now you can see how I feel about that.

So I asked him. What you have in your pocket? He said asthma inhalator.
I said not that one… the other pocket. You see. I’m not a fool anymore (or maybe I’m?), this time I DO pay attention.
He said nothing…
Is that a cell phone? Your cell phone?
No…
Are you sure? Because it sure looks like that to me…
No… is nothing…

Well we kept at it like 2 minutes H didn’t allowed me to get near him, so I couldn’t tell for sure… (although I already knew). The he started like a silly game and run to our room. I followed but not in full speed. By that time I knew H hided the phone, but I also knew whew. He didn’t got the time to pick up a very good hiding spot. So I went to the room and as soon as I entered he told me I swear this was no cell phone please take a look wherever u want trust me. I said ok… Then instantly he asked to go out and have a talk, I said ok…

The he started to pick up topics… about some relative asking for our credit cards numbers... like he didn’t gave, like that was honesty… usually that would got me going… not this time, so he picked another one and we dropped it also very quickly. And I said, look I know you are trying to make me wonder about other things, but I do know that was your cell phone. He kept swearing it was not. So I said let’s make a bet, pick anything ANYTHING, and he kept swearing it was not… He kept telling me, looking me straight to my eyes telling I swear to you…. Look at me… that was not the cell phone. He even got on his knees (can u believe this guy), also he faked??? A panic attack, He started sweating, and telling me I feel lost again I feel a hole in the pit of my stomach (usual tactic for me to back off). I said ok but I still have to check u know? So I went to the room, and he ran, and he said ok go ahead check under the bed whatever. Heheh he must think I’m really dumb I said ok and as soon as I was going to get OVER the bed (we have an entertainment center in front of our bed) he picked up the cell phone and said ok you won.

I guess that pissed him really bad. I said I knew it since the beginning. So why u kept lying?. I was into panic sorry I still don’t know how to react. After that things happened very fast. I asked him please give me the phone. He didn’t want it and I keep pushing, so he went mad, and he said ok is this what you want? Then I’ll go, I did not wanted this to happen, he also implied I have not changed, and went out. He even tried to blame the whole issue to me!.
This is a very touchy issue, when we were on MC, one of the things H told MC was he was afraid of me throwing him again from home, which by the way happened again, but we were not working on this and I even had nightmares about it. So he going like I was throwing him, hit me hard. But ok.

Then I asked my friend, come on, let’s go. I’ll leave you home now.

When I went downstairs, I saw H’s car was blocking mine. I said great! I thought he has already left. Then like a minute after that when I was going to look for him he appeared. He took the stairs I took elevator. Then he told me, let’s both give him a ride please. And please allow me to leave cell phone at work, because I was not even supposed to take it out from the company.

So we went into the car (BIG MISTAKE)? And yes he went into the company, and left cell phone for all I could tell, not that I cared anymore. And after that we left friend, and after that we went to have a dinner at a restaurant.

The thing is, we spent almost 4 hours there talking.

Of course cell phone topic got in the table again and I asked him how come THAT happened still? He told me he still was very much in panic about my feelings, hurting me because of his stupidity. I told him, that just set us back more than going ahead. And what panic was he talking about? He was the one having a good time and I was the hurted BS u know? He explained that his life was not roses as I was thinking, that he did really had a bad time when he slept 3 nights after dday in the car, not taking a shower or anything, until I told him to go to his parents, that he didn’t liked the “jail” at his parents (I guess not much jail, since I given him the opportunity to come back and he has not taken it), or how his life turned on (gym and work). That he DID cared, and he was scared not to work this out. I guess at some point he missed his “old” life.
Also I asked him about this MB weekend, that by now I don’t want to go (this is going to take a lot more than a MB weekend, and well how about being at least together before that? I’m wrong on this? What I’m not looking at here?) but I didn’t told him so, so I asked him, do you really want to go? He told me, look who bring this up? I said you… Then?? Then move, because I’m not going to move on it.
Also he told me the stereo was not true, he spend the money in a TV for his sis. Well I was sort of relieved on that. I rather she has a TV than my H a new stereo. But also his truth can be disarmed fast right?

So facts… Where I’m now and what is happening?

We are really talking things over and trying to work on things.
H spends all his free time with me. We are spending great times together.
He keeps talking about future (kids, home improvement, and other projects)
We are sort of working the MB way.
He has changed, but so do I.

In the other hand, he still can lie to me VERY easily at the drop of the hat and swear he is not.

So right now I don’t know what to take from this… The positives are a lot more than the negatives, but he is still lying, and I don’t know what to do about it…

Please this time I do really need input and help.

Hola Chica~~~

After I allowed Mr. Pepper to move back in (he was out of the house, staying with his parents for 3 months in another city 400 miles away), things in our recovery were moving along quite nicely.

Lots of heart-to-heart sharing.

Intimacy both physical and emotional.

Family time together.

~~~~ Things were not perfect, but were moving in a mostly positive direction.

We each have our own cars. My car was a family car, his was more of a personal car.

One Saturday, I was going to a seminar about 30 miles from home. Since H was going to be home tending the kids, we traded cars. As I left the car with the valet, I checked the glove compartment, making sure there was nothing valuable in it. There were receipts stuffed into the compartment. I grabbed them, and shoved them into my bag. ~~

Later, seated in the seminar, I had a chance to look over the hidden receipts My H had recently secretly spent $600 on stereo equipment <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> .... despite him knowing that one of the ways he had hurt me/us/kids ... besides the A ... was his reckless spending on his "boy toys".

I was "done" again. Angry. Hurt. Fed-up.

I called him during a break. I asked him what he bought recently. It took him about 30 seconds of stammering, and searching his mind .... and finally he told me.

I told him, how hurt and angry I was. I told him this was a lie by omission. He got really nervous. (Although, I don't remember if he "faked" a panic attack or not! LOL)

When I got home later the same day, he took the receipts, and boxed up the electronic "toy" and he returned it to the store.

Matilde, let your H reflect about his lies in his own mind for now. Will he come up with more lies or excuses to "explain away" his poor judgement, or will he demonstrate regrets about lying .... and change his future choices .... showing you that this was a momentary "slip up" and he has regrets about not trusting YOU with the truth.

If the subject comes up, express your feelings clearly, but briefly.

?Disappointment?
?Confusion?
?Sadness?
?Anger?

Whatever your feelings are Matilde, express them as your feelings but not as a report card on his character weakness.


Then, remain as quiet and reflective as possible. Give him space. Let him talk when he is ready. See what he does. This is your time to see how well he handles a stressful situation.

Try and make no "YOU ____" remarks. It is challenging, but you can really control the heat of the situation better if you only make "I ___" statements when dealing with a very emotionally charged situation.

As difficult as it sounds, you can put aside your desire to "work this out" .... give HIM space to work it out. Because, this time, it really is all about him .... so keep your distance from "the solution" .... that is his to work on.

This is his dilemma. He crawled into this box, let him find a way out himself. He might try to coax you into an arguement about this, but gently advise him you understand he has some issues about honesty, and that you respect his duty to work out those honesty issues without pressure from you! (See how his own words are coming back toward him)

You may also want to tell him that YOU need some time alone to think about your boundaries in an intimate relationship.

Do not argue. Do not pout.

Be calm, reserved, and thoughtful.

He made an error. See what he does about it.

Watchful waiting.

Pep

Hi Pepperband

Thank you so much for sharing some of your history on this issue.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Matilde, let your H reflect about his lies in his own mind for now. Will he come up with more lies or excuses to "explain away" his poor judgement, or will he demonstrate regrets about lying .... and change his future choices .... showing you that this was a momentary "slip up" and he has regrets about not trusting YOU with the truth.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">To tell you the truth, I'm very afraid it will be the first choice. Although I know how hard is for my H not to lie, I still don't know the reason for this. Is not like is my job to find that out, but I don't know what will it take for him to change that. For sure I have given him a lot of rope to think on that and to try to tell the truth.

Part of it, was my LB way to react each time he said a lie. But as I told you I'm changing, and I'm trying to get deep into this and find the why?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If the subject comes up, express your feelings clearly, but briefly.

?Disappointment?
?Confusion?
?Sadness?
?Anger?

Whatever your feelings are Matilde, express them as your feelings but not as a report card on his character weakness.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My feelings? well all of the above and a few more. But yes, I clearly have expressed them. not LBing, and still lies comes my way.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> This is his dilemma. He crawled into this box, let him find a way out himself. He might try to coax you into an arguement about this, but gently advise him you understand he has some issues about honesty, and that you respect his duty to work out those honesty issues without pressure from you! (See how his own words are coming back toward him)
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know this is his problem, and he has to deal with it. My problem is again reactions and give him the time you told me to give. But well I think I have tryed so many things, that another one will not hurt.

Peperband, if you or anyone else comes here, I have another question.

Lies are like any other bad habit, or personal problem, or flaw. I'm very aware that a lyar can not change from one day to another, this will also take time on his part, as he choses to live in a real world.

Do you think there is anything I can do to help, besides what you already told me?

Thank you

Hola chica!

I'm sorry I didn't got all the meaning on your post before... Yes I'm slow...

I do now and I appreciate your answer now. (I'm getting better)

I was in "the fog" on that thing mostly...

I'm losing hopes on this recovery thing... Admiration for my H, and I wonder I'm the only one who has "the tools".

Thank you, your post was ver enlightening to me as some oher ones and some talk's.

Take care

<small>[ September 02, 2003, 10:51 PM: Message edited by: matilde ]</small>

Actually, I think you are doing really really well .... given the circumstances.

It is confusing and disheartening when bad habits stall recovery.

Pep

<small>[ September 03, 2003, 08:17 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Hi again Pepperband

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Actually, I think you are doing really really well .... given the circumstances.

It is confusing and disheartening when bad habits stall recovery.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well I'm not so sure about it. About me doing really well, and also I'm doing bad habits that stall my recovery... Here is what happened yesterday.

First yesterday was our anniversary day. 9 years. I didn't had much planned since well, I didn't thought there was MUCH to celebrate so...

I went to bed very late on Monday, as always, woke up and went to computer. Then some one buzzed the intercom and he said they got some flowers and a gift TO H. And I thought UGH, I bet they are from OW, what a bad day to start my day, there sure are crazy people there (I guess I'm not sure if the A ended or I don't feel safe enough), so after a while, like 30 minutes after the buzz I went down to find it out (I have told the guy to leave it at the gate). Well they where from my H to me, also some music cd's (he did picked up one of my favorites) and a box of chocolates, that btw I don't eat much but ok.

A while ago, I was making him some cd’s that I knew he would love, but I never gave and I thought yesterday was a good day as any to finally give them. So I went to shower, got dressed and went to a flower shop, picked up 2 roses (yellow-orange), picked up envelope to put the cd’s, roses and a note I wrote to him, and went to his work place to give my present.

H was in a meeting and I knew that because he had told me before. This was close to lunch time I told the security guy at his job to buzz H. He told me he did but with his co-worker. So after like 15 or 20 minutes I got tired on waiting and I saw 2 guys that were smoking outside and were going to enter the building. I asked them to if they knew H, they did and I asked to leave him the package for me at his office, so I gave to them and left. Like 3 minutes after that, I was on my way to mom’s to have lunch, H called me and asked me to come back and have lunch together, that he couldn’t get down before because he was in the middle of his exposition with some guys that came from Argentina and Ecuador. I called mom, told her that I would not be over to lunch there and returned to H’s job.

He was downstairs waiting for me, but I asked to come up so I would finally knew his work place. He was happy about it, we went up, I saw his office and went down. He was in a hurry because the meeting was supposed to resume after lunch and he had to be there.

We went to a place, that do awesome sandwiches, and had lunch there. He asked if I liked his gift, and explained the roses (those were blue) and he told me he didn’t want common ones and blue because of hope… LOL isn’t it green? But ok if it’s blue for him I’ll play along. Of course I asked about the chocolates, since he knew I didn’t eat much those, he explained those were not for me but to my mom. Last Sunday, mom called me and asked what I was going to do, I told her my plans with H and she asked that we both go there to have lunch. Five minutes after that she called again and told me that please don’t because dad didn’t thought it was good to come over while we were not together. So ok, H bough the chocolates for mom, and last time he told me he has to do the work on my family again, this time he asked for my help on making it easier the road with my family. Also he told me he has done some thinking on why he lies that much, and was looking for the reasons. That was good. Well lunch ended, I left hims at his work again, and I went to do a tech support.

I arrived here around 6:30 pm and received a call from H telling me that he had to go and have a dinner with the guys from Argentina and Ecuador, and maybe later he would come over. Ok, so I read some, chatted, helped a friend with a problem… and it was getting late, and H didn’t arrived. I was in a happy mood really, listening to music, but I don’t know what hit me off, maybe him not realizing that yesterday was a “special” day or me, losing more hopes on this M, but for whatever reason, my bad habit struck again, which was drinking &#61516;.

So around 12 am, I started to drink and this time I was very aware that the GOAL was to get drunk. I logged into ladies chat, there were some ladies there, but after a while I left, since I was getting drunk very fast, and I couldn’t even type or follow the conversation.

So here I’m today, with a hangover that is passing fast thanks to and advice from another friend, but pretty much stuck both ways. He about his lying and me about my drinking problem among others. In between, M is also stuck…

Last thing that happened, was that last night I logged of MSN for H not to be able to reach me that way. But he called. He told me he was having a problem installing my gift, but since I didn’t answered on that he asked what was wrong? Was I mad? I said that I felt sad, that I needed some time to think things over and make some decisions, and that when he was ready to fully work on this, he should give me a call. He said he understood and respected my decision.

On my side I been making calls to look for a IC, but not luck yet on that, and also I been reading about AA here, and looking for places where they meet here. But I’m still afraid to go.

AA is only scary until you get there!

The people are soooo nice. And their stories of recovery are wonderful.

Try it for 6 weeks, 2 meetings a week at least. Go to different meetings. get a feel for how each meeting works. Go to an ALL WOMAN meeting if possible.

You won't be scared after the first hour. AA saved our M! (I'm doing Al-anon and H is doing AA)

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

oops!

<small>[ September 03, 2003, 05:49 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>