h12,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She also came home sporting 2 hickies on her neck where all can see.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What impeccable class. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

She seems to be making every attempt she can to get you to throw her [censored] to the curb. Then she can tell everyone she had no choice but to go to the OM because you threw her out.

If she can blame the A on you in any way whatsoever, she will do so. Even if it's a flat out lie.

Keep protecting the kids from her selfishness, arrogance and neglect. She cannot take the kids from you. She can share custody with you however. As I warned you earlier, she will fight for at least 1/2 of everything. Come to expect that or you will be caught off guard.

You'd best be prepared for your little presentation to the kids also in case she spins it her way. Certainly she is not going to tell the kids that she found a man that she loves more than their daddy. Just be prepared for any curve she throws you.

I hope you are reconsidering about using the same attorney just to save a few bucks. I really don't think you can afford NOT to have your own attorney represent you. If you're not careful YOU will be the one sitting on the curb while she and OM and kids live in your house. Stranger things have happened.

jmho
ba109

I didn't read much because I have to get kids to bed -- but consider that Plan B without LBs might be better than Plan A. And telling her you know may expose and break out the bubble.

My part of the mess of this M is I stayed in Plan A and kept losing my temper and calling Sophia and finally, finally, I did what Tom demanded I not do and called Sophia's husband -- and that's what brought the affair to light. I thought, two years ago in August, the month before the PA began, that I should move out, but Tom told me that would tempt him to be with Sophia more. So be it.... I got destroyed by his A, too. Would have been better if I hadn't tried to take it.

hurting,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Ticked me off because I got no warning that there would be no car at home tonight. She will be gone from 6pm until 11am tomorrow. I don't need it tonight and couldn't think of a good reason for her not to go( other than that she is MARRIED) </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How about this reason: I have no intention of helping you leave me. Finding transportation to meet the OM is your responsibility. Plan A is about honesty and responsibility. You are very much allowed to express your feelings...as long as you do it without LB's. I too think it sounds like reality will hit once she is actually living with this loser....but don't linger in Plan A too much longer. The second she vacillates, or seems to miss home...boom...you go to B.

Ok, I now have an attourney to protect my interests. I am not filing on her though. As long as WS keeps to agreement for custody and $division so will I.

She doesn't have the money to file and move out. I recomended that she just tell OM she has filed and then really file when she can afford it.(About 2 months) She agreed and is going to do that. I like it that she is conspiring with me to lie to OM. Plus she can't misbehave around kids or I could drop ths bomb in her lap.

Then I told her I wanted to see about public assistance and asked her to write a letter saying she is moving out and leaving the kids in my care. Also, that she is providing no support until the courts order it. She wrote it right out signed and dated it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Her mom kinda jumped her sh** today about this whole mess. Now the only ones that agree with what she is doing is OM and their friends at work. All family members from both sides are telling her to come to her senses, go home, and work on M <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I on the other hand try to not talk about M. Just continue on being a good dad and good prospective H for somebody. Plan B will be coming right after the first real good day we have after she files. That will be about 4months after D-day.2 months from now. Of course I will speak to SH before that happens.

The kids have been told about all but OM. They took it pretty ok I guess. All cried for a couple of hours except 2nd son, he showed no emotion at all.

The others had a couple of questions regarding where they would stay and such. I think we did a pretty good job of informing them how things will work. Told them on Sunday evening. It seems they are developing some anger towards their mom now.

I am working to keep that as little as possible. Reassuring them that mom still loves them. It's not their fault and such. SH says they should not know about Om so keeping them in the dark about that.

I like it that she is conspiring with me to lie to OM.
Exactly what Frank Pittman says in, "Private Lies. Pretty soon the op is the outsider because he doesn't know how to play the "game" the couple have been playing their whole realtionship.

And lying to the om is a great way to start a relationship, isn't it?

We are going to pack her things tomorrow. I thought I was ready for this, I was wrong. I know how stubborn she can be. Even SH noticed this. If she leaves, and she will, It will be real hard for her to change her mind and come back.

She won't want to admit even to herself that it was a mistake. I don't know how long I can go without begging her to come back. I think I would rather share her than have her gone. I must be crazy but thats how I have felt for 24 hrs now. Maybe it will get better, I don't know

The kids seem to be taking their mom moving out too well. I saked them this evening 1 at a time how they felt about it and if they was ok. Oldest daughter said she would rather she stay but it was ok. The other three said that they will see as much of mom as they do now so it is ok. They will see as much of her if WS visits as much as she claims she will.

Is this normal? Are they hiding their feelings from me? I don't want to push them if they really are ok but I find it hard to believe they are taking it as well as they seem to be.

Kids are S15 S13 D12 D11

<small>[ June 11, 2003, 09:28 PM: Message edited by: hurting12 ]</small>

bumping would like some opinions

Hi Hurting12

I can relate.
We told our son 5 days ago that my husband is leaving because he fell in love whith another woman. Son is 13 yo.
I told him it was ok for him to be angry, sad, whatever feelings he had were ok.
He said "I'm not that sad - I feel so sorry for you mom - you've lost your sweetheart but I haven't lost my dad".

We have only been separated for a few days. Eventually our son will react... his life will change... but he doesn't see that now.

Your kids need you to hold their world together and to know you'll be there for them. That is what you can give them at the moment. Tell them that it's ok to feel a lot or feel nothing - tell them that they can always come to you and ask questions - tell them you'll never lie to them and you'll do whatever it takes to be there when they need you.
There will be reactions. Anger - grief - guilt maybe - but kids are kids and thank God for that. They'll be happy most of the time, living in the moment.

I'll pray for them - and for you and your WS.

h12,

Keep talking with your kids. One on one...but don't pressure them to talk. They will when they are ready.

Try to get them to think about how this affects them or makes them feel and reassure them that they can share those thoughts and feelings with you at any time. Continue to reassure them of your Love for them.

My daughter is nearly 10. She was 7 when her parents parted ways. I still to this day have sit down talks with her when I sense that she is having a little trouble with it. All I have to say to her is "Talk to me, tell me stuff." That's our catch phrase. She knows exactly what I'm talking about. Sometimes she opens up...sometimes I have to coax it out a little. If she's not ready to talk, I don't push. She comes to me when she's ready.

Just keep a good line of communication open with each of them individually. Keep reassuring them that they will always be Loved and cared for by you.

Something you will always regret is if you talk bad about their mother. No matter what vile things she's done, she is still their mother and the only one they have. They will not take kindly to their mom being bad mouthed. I have always tried to stay very clear of that. (As hard as that may be at times. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> )

You'll do good. What you have no control over however is what their mom does.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I don't know how long I can go without begging her to come back. I think I would rather share her than have her gone. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You seem to seem to be using the LB approach. I personally feel that this would be a major LB. I believe most women would see this as weak and spineless and be completely turned off by that type of behavior. No disrespect intended.

jmho
ba109

She is out. Moved most of her things that she is taking yesturday. Was planned for her to get car today then come home and spend time with kids till she went to work. I was to take her to work and she would leave with OM in their new car.I packed up the last of what she is taking last night so she would have more time.

She got up ,took a bath and left to get car. (5min with kids) Came home 2 hrs later with OM following her. Grabbed her 2 boxes and was gone in 2 min. 10sec with each kid to say goodbye.

Now the kids want to know who the guy was wit mommy. Told them just someone to help deliver he car. I think they bought it.

Well I'm a single father of 4 now. I can do this.(pep talk lol) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

More later, we're cooking out at my brothers now.

Hurting,

Don't lie to your children. I know SH told you to leave OM out of this, but if she is bringing him around, then she is introducing OM into this and you need to be honest. You don't have to be negative, but explain he is mommies friend. As they get older they will understand. But, don't lie to them OK?

God Bless,

JL

I agree. Don't lie to the kids. They will hold you accountable for your lies just as you do when they lie to you.

That doesn't mean that you have to tell them "that is a man that your mother has decided to live with".

How about (That is a close friend of your moms, they spend a lot of time together.) They already know that she was spending hours on the phone with someone. Like I said earlier...kids are very observant.

WW sure isn't helping matters by bringing OM around for the kids to see...sort of "in your face" like all the phone calls from the house. You have your work cut out for you.

I think your biggest responsibility still is, and should be your kids. Keep them safe and warm and Loved. Don't lie to them.

jmho
ba109

jl ba,
you are right. I won't lie anymore. They should not see him again but if they do i will tell them it's a friend of their moms.

Oldest D (12) won't let me out of her sight. Most of the day spent in contact with me. Smiles all the time but would not even let me go to store without her. Felt like crying alot today but couldn't in front of her. Thats ok though I'm grown she is not. Claims she is wide awake now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Guess I'll have to let her go to bed with me tonight.

WW came to visit kids as promised on Saturday. Was kind of funny as OM told her to pick them up and take them to park as he is not comfortable with her being in my house yet. She just stayed here for a couple of hours.

Today was just suposed to be phone calls because she wanted me to be alone with them on fathers day. About an hour after the phone call she showed up at house. Had dropped off OM to do laundry and came over to get girls for a while.Youngest D is spending the night at grandmas house though.

Funny thing is she took oldest D for a 10 min ride then came back and ate supper. Stayed about 1hr then left to get OM.

OM is giving her advice on how to deal with the kids. Like he would (expletive deleted <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )know what to do. If it wouldn't screw up my kids I would drop them off for the 2 of them to deal with and the A would be over in a week. But it would so I won't.

Last couple of nights I had dreams about her with other men, but not the OM. Thats seems kind of strange to me. I don't seem to miss her much yet but it has only been 2 days.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hurting12:
<strong>OM is giving her advice on how to deal with the kids. Like he would (expletive deleted <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )know what to do. If it wouldn't screw up my kids I would drop them off for the 2 of them to deal with and the A would be over in a week. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh, this is great! I can just see this turning in to a major LB for HIM!!!! Just hang in there, hurting12, I think your WW's "bubble" is about to burst!

Here's what I think......boring sitting at laundry-mat.....she missed kids......came by to spend time.....hmmmmm, one D actually had PLANS of something to do that didn't include sitting around waiting for mom to get her head out of ***.....took other D out for a drive to talk......D prolly didn't have anything to say to her.....so they came back....WW tries to hang around and "enjoy" kids.....didn't work!

Yeah, life for WW is looking real great right now. As you said, OM knows JACK - er - NOTHING about your kids.....but trying to be "helpful" to her, he's giving advice!!! It ought to last about 2 weeks......

Stay strong, friend. I think your WW is about to learn some very interesting lessons!

Hey, if you can, look up posts where Mortarman has responded. He had some interesting interactions while his WW was "away." He has lots of good advice of how to stay sane while WW is aboard the Mothership (you know, flying around in outer space?) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

God Bless,

<small>[ June 15, 2003, 08:36 PM: Message edited by: lupolady ]</small>

My thoughts and prayers are with you. It is so sad that a family can be torn apart like this. I wish you only the best.

Lupoladie,
WW is pretty stuborn so it will prob last longer than 2 weeks. Once she makes up her mind to do something it takes a long time to change it again. I do know he LB's bigtime almost every day. Or, at least he did before she moved. I just trying to do a great plan A so when "B" comes she will feel it.

If not then I will still be a better father for it and a better H to someone.

2old,
thanks for response. I can always use the wishes and prayers.

I had to call WW to wake her up today. She was already an hour late to come see the kids. She came right over but only stayed 40 min. Would not even come in the house.

Youngest tried to hide in WW car. Then asked if she could call her later. WW said no. I was so very mad but I said nothing and managed not to LB once. No deposits either though.

We changed the time for her to come over to later in the day. It really hurts the kids when she is late, now she has an extra 2 hours to get up and ready. Hope thats enough.