No flames from me, just concern that your exposure to her A might cost you your love for her and that if in the near future she expresses a desire to end all contact with the OM and follow a marital plan of recovery, it will already be too late for you to want her or the marriage. Remember what I said earlier about Mortarman, StillTryingToSaveIt, and TM94, and avoid making the mistakes they did that have come back to haunt them during recovery.

TMCM, I have the same concerns. If I could have thought of any place to send her I would have. I'm trying to get myself in the frame of mind that the A will go PA again that way only suprises will be good ones.

Hurting ....
What is the name of the "migraine" pill your wife takes? How many does she use a month? (average)

Pep

Pepper,
I'll check today on the name. I think imetrex. Last time she had migraines, at least 3 months ago, 10 pills lasted almost 3 months.

This time I'm not sure how many she has taken, I think several. She can't work when she takes them but I see where you are gong and she could be after work. Dr. also has her on meds to raise her blood pressure and a prescription vitiman. Wanted to put her on valium but she refused.

I think she really is having the headaches, brought on by stress too much caffiene and poor diet. She also complains that she drinks pepto like water. Not sure wether she said she has an ulcer or DR is checking her for ulcer. She goes back to him next week.

<small>[ July 08, 2003, 12:02 PM: Message edited by: hurting12 ]</small>

Besides any prescription meds she takes, what OTC meds does she use frequently (ie; Excedrin Migraine)

Pep

None. an occasional tylonol. It is imetrex. She has only taken 2 1/2 pills in the last week and a half.

OK she's OK.

Thanks

Do I have a chance? She doesn't want our M to work. She freely admits that she loves OM, just can't have him because of drugs. Serious withdrawal right now. She is hurting bad. Won't do any of the things that will help her get over him.

Right now she is hooked on the OM like the OM is hooked on drugs, so her statement is no big shocker. She's going to have to hit rock bottom before she opens her eyes and sees that her 'love' for the OM is nothing more than one big sick obsession.

So do I avoid her or try to plan A or what? With my current job I can be at home when she is for 0-6hrs a day and she wouldn't think nothing about it either way. I don't see any help with a situation like this in SAA.

<small>[ July 08, 2003, 06:27 PM: Message edited by: hurting12 ]</small>

^^^

I don't know.

It's really not good for the marriage that she is using you and your home because she "has to". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

This won't stick.

Take care of your kids. They'll stick.

Pep

Hurting,

I don't think it's a good idea for her to be back home with you either. She carried out the A right under your nose before and she'll do it again. She'll be on the phone or running to OM on a daily basis. The A is still ongoing and now you are going to bring it back into your home where both you and your kids will be exposed to it every day.

She is still not negotiating an end to the A with you. Your Plan A is therefore very limited in it's impact.

I don't think it's a good idea, but it's your call.

jmho
ba109

hurting,

I am concerned that you are just giving her permission to come home for the sole purpose of using you. You are not the Holiday Inn, you are her husband. She needs a home base from which to carry on her affair with her dope head boyfriend and you are providing that to her. As long as you accommodate her, she can carry on without consequences. So basically, you are helping her continue her shabby behavior.

Not a very appropriate atmosphere for your children. Your kids need to be protected from her right now and you are all they have. They need you to stick up for them and do the right thing. No one else will. For me, as a woman, its real hard for me have feelings for someone who lets me run over them.

hurting, something else for you to consider. I think if you asked Steve Harley what you should do in this situation, he would probably recommend Plan B. And I will tell you why I think he would.

He recommends Plan B when the WS is engaging in behavior that is destructive to you and your family. Your wife is EXTREMELY destructive and cares nothing about shattering the security of your home and exposing your children to this sordidness. She also cares nothing about talking to her boyfriend right in front of her own husband and children. She has NO RESPECT or regard for any of you. [of course, you are mostly to blame because you allow this to go on unimpeded] That certainly qualifies as destructive behavior to me.

Plan A is a complete waste of time on someone like your wife, IMO. It was never a matter of unfilfulled needs that created this problem in the first place, so trying to fulfill needs can't be the solution. She is the kind of person who will only use Plan A as an opportunity to ABUSE and USE you and continue in her destructive behavior. You can see with your own eyes that it has had that effect.

In my opinion, you are simply allowing this destructive behavior to continue by doing Plan A. As an alcoholic [with 18 yrs sobriety], I will tell you that she sounds just like one of us and the WORST thing you can do with an alcoholic is Plan A.

These are just some things for you to consider and I apologize in advance for my blunt style.

<small>[ July 09, 2003, 08:38 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

All, I know it's not the best situation but it's all I have.

Melody, There will be no phone calls with OM. That was stipulated and agreed to as a condition to stay here. So if she does start the A back up the kids and I won't be exposed. Other than her not being here when she is with him. Also with all the household bills paid before we split the left over she will actually come out with less money to spend than when she was gone. At least for a while.

As I said earlier in this thread, WW is stuborn. She would have tried to make R work with OM for a long time just because she had decided to. The only reason she has left him this soon is because she knows she will have little to no accees to her kids if she is living with drug user.

On an up note. Remember I had got her to start on SAA Monday? She had read about 20 pages and couldn't continue because of meds. When she got home from work last night she went to her room. I got up to check on her and when I looked in room she was reading SAA.

For now I'm just available to meet any EN she requests but I am not offering to do it. Waiting to see if the A really is over. I'm am trying to speak with SH as soon as possible.

I slipped away, she never saw me. She read it for abut an hour before she went to bed. I check this morning and she is up to page 83. Thats about 70 pages for someone who could scan that whole book in about 2 hrs. So she is takeing her time and reading it slowly. That has got to be a good sign.

I had only suggested she read until she came to the parts about recovery as she had expressed an interest to NOT work on our M.

She is in the first section on recovery now. About 16 pages into it in fact.

I'm not getting my hopes to high but at least if she continues to read at some point it has to make her wonder if she should at least try it.

I just reread what WW has read so far in SAA. She now knows what Plan A & B are.

We had a pretty good day today. I didn't bring up R once. She did though. Told me I was in plan A even though she doesn't understand it. Actually pointed out 1 of my mistakes. She said I was in plan A because I was following her when she changed rooms. LOL didn't realize I was, I will work on that as I shouldn't be doing that.

She said she would never account for all her time so no way we would ever recover by SAA. I pointed out that that would be covered by Enthuisiastic agreement and negotiation. And that since she had only read to a part she didn't like that I would like her to read on through the 4 rules of recovery so she would have a better overall picture of MB princilples.

I told briefly how I understood them to work and asked if that sounded better that just the brief soundbite she had read so far. She said it did and said she would read the rest. We shall see.

She is planning on getting a cell phone tomorrow. I reminded her that a call is a call and that OM can't be on any phone in this house. She said she wasn't going to give him the number. Again we shall see.

If she breaks the rules I prob can't make her leave but I can leave and take the kids with me.

She seemed to be happy most of today. We were both in the house awake for 3hrs. I left an hour before she went to work. I had also asked her to pick up the clothes she had left in bathroom and told her sometimes I would wash her clothes sometimes not, depending on whether I needed some to make a full load.

See I can do this without being total doormmat.

I'm trying to get in 2 good ,happy, non R talking hours and then me leave to go work before she has too.

In that time I get to meet FC,DS and hopefully Conversation. 3 of her top 5. Then leave before I appear smothering.

As long as she follows the rules for living here does that sound about right.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If she breaks the rules I prob can't make her leave but I can leave and take the kids with me.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How convenient this would be for WW and OM. He could move right in. He could make his own pb/j sandwich. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I wouldn't advise uprooting the kids. Stay put. That is the place they know as "Home". Don't allow the A to take that from them.

jmho
ba109

WW didn't get home until 6am this morning(got off at 2am) I could tell she was upset. Aske if she wanted to talk. She said not right now but could use company.

I set down and let her talk. Eventualy she told me why she was mad. OM is talking bad about her at work. He still trying to get her to come back but tellin all the guys to watch out she gets you to move in with her then has sex with you until she is done with you then leaves. Also states she is good at sex but when she gets tired of you she will leave.

I just listened. Didn't offer any advise. Then she moved on to other conversation and I joined in. She wants to go to work early today for a different reason and asked me to take her. Maybe some(very little) sunshine ie begining to burn through the fog. She was adament on Monday that I would nt be taking her to work or home.

Hurting,

You are very generous to let your wife move back in. But I guess under the circumstances you have no choice but to help her...but only to a certain extent. If she does not go by the rules you agreed on, then you CAN and MUST put her out. She has to really know there are limits to your generosity given what she has done to your family.

Surely she must see what a lost cause this OM jerk is. She "loves" and wants to be with someone who discusses her sexual prowess with the guys at work? He doesn't have much love or respect for her to do that.

I don't know, maybe she's trying to see if she really can come home after all that's been done, or maybe she's just playing you and using you. Maybe she's realizing what a drastic mistake she's making and is trying to ease back in without being obvious since she's already said she wouldn't come back even if it didn't work out with OM.

Whatever is going on, make sure you hold her feet to the fire! Give her some chores to do too, don't wait on her hand and foot. Tell her if she needs to put some of YOUR or the KIDS clothes in with hers to make a load...go right ahead!

Be pleasant...but not TOO nice. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />