Today she did pick up after herself. No laundry or other chores needed done.

OM had called 3 times today. Phone was off so nobody knew about it until I checked log. WW had told me that if he called not to put him through. When she woke up I told her he had called. Seemed upset. Told me she had told him not to call. said she would take care of it.

I told her he only gets one more chance then I would get RO and have it served on him at work.
I can't be mad at her yet as she hasn't talked to him on phone. If he does call I will "realize" that I can change the number and do that. If he can call after that then she has given him the number and it will be time for her to move.

I don't know why she doesn't want to try to work on M. It makes no sense to me. I have seen a letter he wrote to her and she had left him. He told her all she had to do to come back was swallow her pride and call him.

So she wants that R to end. I don't abuse her, why would she not want to at least see if we can fall in love again. I just can't understand it and thats drving me crazy.

Can I ask her why? In the past she just said "I just don't want it too." But as I found out that was because of the affair. Is it ok t ask again now?

I'm thinking about writing WW a long letter expressing my sorrow for the things I did wrong that led to her choice to leave the M. I also want to put in all the good things I miss about the M and the good times we have had together and my sorrow that we won't be having more.

Tell her how much I love her and how much her not wanting to work on M even though A is over hurts. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I would leave it so that she finds it when she gets home. She could either talk about it or not. In the begining she said that if she hadn't already had OM she would want to fix M. Why would she not want to now that A is over. I mean d*** we have 4 kids and we could be so happy if she would just let it happen.

She has hardened to heart to make sure it won't and it's driving me crazy. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

What do you think about the letter? Good idea or bad?

<small>[ July 10, 2003, 09:41 PM: Message edited by: hurting12 ]</small>

hurting, I think its a very bad idea to write her any letter or show excessive affection or attention right now. And I will tell you why. She is emotionally DETACHED from you at this point because she is withdrawing from the OM. Any overture on your part right now will only serve to push her away and be a HUGE LOVE BUSTER. I think the best thing you can do is set FIRM BOUNDARIES and start focusing on yourself and your kids instead of OBSESSING on her. Start detaching from her so you don't smother her.

And the OM should not be allowed to call your house. You are the MAN OF YOUR HOUSE, no? Is there some reason you can't pick up the phone and tell him he is not allowed to call YOUR HOUSE? Tell him it won't be tolerated and if he calls back, hang up and get a RO. Put an end to this outrageous invasion of your home, hurting.

I will tell him so if I answer a call from him. If I just see it in the log change number first then RO.

How are your kids?

P <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> ep

Alle the kids are happy she is home. The oldest is spending time with her again, he was avoiding her at visitation.

WW got all her stuff out of room last night. I have been sleeping on the couch since she left and stayed there when she returned. She sat down at the foot of couch this morning when she got home and we talked for 45 min until I had to go to work.

WW told me OM got wrote up for harrassing her at work last night. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
She asked me if she was hurting me by living here. I asked why she asked. Seems her supervisor, a happily married minister that goes nowhere without wife except to work, told her that she was keeping me from being happy. I couldn't find someone else while she is here.

I told her I don't want anyone else. That I only wanted her to not harden her heart to the possibility of reconciliation when withdrwal is over. Asked her to remember all the good times we had and told her I didn't even want that M because we could have so much better one.

I told her not to be thinking that if we startd to reconcile that that means "We got to be in sam bed, he wants sex 4 times a week so got to do that, he wants 6 hrs of recreaton got to do that." Told her it would be slow and we would only try to fill and allow to be filled those needs that both were comfortable with.

She took it very well seemed to really be thinking. I let it go at that never even hinted that I wanted an answer. As I was leaving for work she layed down in my spot,on my pillow, covered up with my blanket.

When I got home @1130 (off early on fridays) she was asleep there.

This afternoon I took her to lunch we spend 3 hrs together with no R talk at all (yea me).She is talking about bidding day shift. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Asked her if I could pick her up for breakfast. She said no but we will go when she gets off(she could get off from 1am to 4am and doesn't want me waiting that long. I suggested a picnic tomorrow she countered swimming might be nice. I agreed. Family bowling on Sunday

Seems like a great day to me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Her ride for work didn't show so I took her.

Kids are happy, I'm happy(mostly) WW is happy around me(mostly), I hope she sees it soon.

hurting,

She seems to be listening somewhat to other people's POV. So long as they don't try to force feed it to her she may listen and some of it may actually sink in.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As I was leaving for work she layed down in my spot,on my pillow, covered up with my blanket.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I see this is a very intimate act. She would not do this if she had no feelings for you whatsoever. It's great that she is participating in the family activities. This is a victory for you considering that the OM wanted her contact with you and the kids to be very limited and pretty much under his control.

It's unfortunate that they work in the same place. You would stand a better chance if she were not exposed to the OM every day.

Good Luck!
ba109

She couldn't doo the day job that was open so she bid a different night job.

She took OM and her girlfriend home last night. They were high and drunk in the parking lot of work. They had supposedly set there all night, I guess waiting on WW to get off.

We had breakfast, too much R talk. Hopefully no more today.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She took OM and her girlfriend home last night. They were high and drunk in the parking lot of work. They had supposedly set there all night, I guess waiting on WW to get off.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How romantic her OM is, a real ladies man <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> .

Be glad your W went to take him home because the image of him high and drunk is something that will be part of her mental photo album of him no matter how foggy she is. Hopefully one day soon she'll have enough mental images of him to come out of the fog and be disgusted by him and by her choice to ever get involved with him.

When I wrote my last WW was taking the car back to OM he was to bring her right back and drop her off. He would not let her leave the room. He kept her from leaving for over an hour, then hotel people came to collect rent and she was able to leave. It also seems that her girlfriend that had her stuff helped OM to move it all back into the room.

WW asked me if I could take her home to IL(we live in TN. She wants to NC the OM. The move would be relly hard right now so we are staying here. I will take her to my brothers house when I can't be at home.

She told me she would try to recover with me. Said I need to understand that even though she is scared of OM she still loves him She does not love me but will try.

She tried to get police to go with me to get her stuff, she would have to go and she refuses to go back there even with the police so she called OM. He finally agreed to bring it all over to our house when we were gone. He did do that.

She is crying and very upset. Wants to be alone. I am letting her but it is tearing me up not to be there for her.

We need to put a recovery plan in place though. So much is going through my mind and I am so scared. I need to talk to her so bad. How long should I wait before I put some pressure to talk about the plan? I don't want to drive her away but I need to have that plan for my sanity.

^

W talked with me about recovery this morning. She agreed to some of the 4 rules. Hosesty and Protection, she is not ready to meet or let me meet any EN so care is out for now. She agreed partialy to time, that she would spend as much with me as she can take, but, wouldn't commit to a set amount.

She doesn't want to read or even hear about SAA right now.

Yesterday she was so scared of OM that she wanted to leave the state. By late afternoon she was thinking of trying to go to work on Moday, today she decided she is. She has some good reasons. We do need the money and she truly loves her job. I will drop her off and pick her up. Monday I will wait by the phone in case it won't work and she needs to call me to come get her.

She says she has told him she doesn't want him around but will not write the NC letter.

At this point she has only agreed to try to work on the marriage. Since she admits she still loves him and is in withdrawal, and that she doesn't love me right now I think this is about as good as I can hope for. Right? Would like some opinions.

She wants some time to herself now and is laying in backyard. How much should I try to be with her? I know not to follow her from room to room but is just being in the same house enough? Should I try to approach her or just sit somewhere and wait for her to come to me. I don't want her to think that I don't want to be around her every second because I do.

I'm more tore up now than I was when she was gone. I want everything to happen much too fast. My emotions swing from extremely happy to deep depressed and back about every 30 minutes. I hope that gets better soon.

Isn't there something she enjoys doing without the kids? If there is then put on your weekly schedule. This would fill the rule of time and deposit some much needed love units in her love bank.

There are several things she likes to do with or without the kids. But she won't do any of them with me. I don't know if she is really going to try or not. I fear not. It seems she can't stand to be around me.

We have not even spent an hour together really today. We have been in the same car or the same room but she is not there if you know what I mean. I'm scared to death of her going back to work tomorrow. I know she won't try as long as she sees him everyday. Even if they don't get back together it just will keep her hurt and longing alive and she won't let me in.

D*** I miss her more now than I did when she was gone. Is this normal? Is the way she is acting normal?

hurting, what was your relationship like before the affair?

We had a great marriage once but both got lazy. I think it wasv strong 6 months ago. But we saw almost nothing of each other from from the end of march until the A started at the end of May. Only saw each other on weekends and most of that was spent discussing kids, bills, or the other things that need tending too. Not the M or each other.

Last night she said she would read HN/HN. She has started it. We will see.

Still won't do anything with me. Doesn't like me in the same room most of the time. Agreed to time but won't schedule it. Agreed to POJA but went back to work without what I needed to be happy about it. Says they are over but won't write NC letter. Should I be mad,sad,just gone or,none of the above.

hurting, I think it is way too soon to expect any of that. She is probably in withdrawal and in no frame of mind to work on her marriage. Just hang in there and be patient, ok? She may come around if you back off and hang tight and quit focusing on her.

SO I should just do the normal plan A and wait and see what happens? I know she is in withdrawal as I get "I love him." eveyday.