NL,
Notice what Coffeeman said. There must be balance, BUT since your are way out of balance I made the suggestion that you focus on your H more, much more.
BUT, in order for you to recover your marriage you have to see things differently. If you really feel your H doesn't care about you, doesn't love you, doesn't want to be married to you, then you should probably divorce him.
I suspect that his addiction to games is more about his withdrawal from the situation. He doesn't know how to help you, he probably doesn't know how to deal with what he feels about the A's (I am presuming he knows about them both, I think I read where you said he did).
As you come out of withdrawal, and you start to focus on your H, you will find something very interesting, he will respond to you. Sometimes negatively, and sometimes very positively.
Please also note that what I have said to you about your actions, may not be what you feel or think, but an outside observer will not see that, neither will your H. Your second affair does NOT say that you cared about him MUCH no matter what you think to yourself.
One thing you need to understand and I think Coffeeman will confirm, you don't need to defend yourself here. Most people that have been here for awhile have been through, or read about situations covering an amazing spectrum of behaviors. You are NOT in the worst category. I know small comfort. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
But, the point is what I am saying to you about your behavior is very likely what your H is thinking and what is paralyzing him. If you really could not control your urges to have affairs, if ANY man could get you by flattering you, then he has no hope of making this marriage work. Do you see what I mean? You very likely are not like that, but he doesn't know, because he cannot read your mind. Plus, I seriously doubt you have the kind of conversation with him that we are having here.
You might have such a conversation,but it will be filtered through his pain.
There is so so many things to tell you, and suggest to you, but I do think you need to realize that your H's self-esteem has also taken a major hit. You have NEVER been rejected like you have done to him. So some of his behavior or lack thereof may be do to him, simply having no clue.
The other part is more complex and perhaps Coffeeman can help here. But, he has been betrayed twice, and the answer is for him to do "everything" for you, bring you presents, take you to romantic dinners, etc. This is very counter intuitive, and suggests that he must be completely under your thumb in order for you to stay with him. He must accept the affairs, the disrespect, and he must then be the model husband.
This is hard for BS's to handle. Do you see why I am talking to you about being the giver? It is to counter some of this before you two can start real recovery. As Coffeeman pointed out, being a total giver will end a marriage, as well as being a total taker.
Balance must be restored, but in my opinion if you want the marriage to work you do need to understand why you did what you did, but you must also help break down those walls around your H's heart. He put them up to reduce the pain.
Balance is the key, but it takes time and patience.
I suspect that both of you will have to learn new strategies on how to communicate these delicate issues.
So read what Coffeeman has bookmarked for you, and think about what I said. You don't have to agree, but realize that what you KNOW is in your heart is not as apparent to those around you, especially your H. The change in perspective is crucial to rebuilding your marriage, and for you having a happy life.
Must go.
God Bless,
JL
