Kuljey,
I wish you were a little more open to discussion with me.

My mistake in my earlier post. So: His EX-wife wants him back and his children want an intact family.

I don't think that actually changes my message, except that the OM isn't a MM, but he's still the kids' father.

Isn't an intact family what you wanted until a short time ago?

I do wish you had done Plan A. Or Plan B. Or just waited 6 months post-separation to heal. I understand your dating reasons too well and I didn't like MB advice while I was dating either.

You are carrying the baggage of your marriage, being betrayed by H & friend, and it is very unlikely that it will not affect this relationship.

But, extremely few couples reconcile after both partners have had OP, so you'll probably never see the down side of what this action has cost you in honor as clearly as I did when I reconciled with my H.

I do wish you well.

Kul,

All this advice comes from learning the hard way...and people who care...just keep that in mind when reading...

it is as pepp noted not dissmiss or bash your feelings...

logistically the divorce itself needs time to grieve...real time for the children and adults to go through the whole process....

all five stages....
some will come back...some will come and go quickly...

but grieve you all will and should...to really be healthy and move on...

that to me is a strong arguement/reason not get involved with OP...

NONE of this fair..
not to you..
not to the kids...
not to the OP Kuljey...which is something to think about...is it fair to him...to bring someone in to your world..where not all the drama is really worked out...and while there is no garuntee it will ever work out 100% well...it is so very early in all of this.......

but there it is....

and if you put the kids needs first....especially when you know stbxh won't...
It doesn't hurt less...but it offers strength and focus...

much strength to you....
ARK

Ok, maybe I'm just lost all the way around on this topic, but is it really any of our business? This is not some secret affair or an affair at all, really. Some people might argue that until you're legally divorced, the final decree has come in, then you're cheating. It's semantics to me. Unless someone asks for my opinion, that is.

But K didn't ask for opinions. She posted an update. She KNOWS it's not in her best interest to be developing feelings for this man and she knows why. But, at the end of the day, it's her decision. And, I'm sorry, for someone to try and compare this to what's going on with her husband is just plain idiotic. It's not remotely the same ~ she has his blessing! You may call it situational ethics, she may call it acceptance.

The way I look at it is, it may not be very wise, but if she's ok with it and her husband OBVIOUSLY has no issue with it, then it's her business. It's her life. Unfortunately, not everybody who has been touched by infidelity gets to reconcile. Not everybody wants to.

<small>[ July 02, 2003, 04:12 PM: Message edited by: TheCalypso ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TheCalypso:
<strong>Ok, maybe I'm just lost all the way around on this topic, but is it really any of our business?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sure. That's why it was posted. Anyone who cares to read here is free to comment or ignore

Calypso,
Unfortunately, not everybody who has been touched by infidelity gets to reconcile. Not everybody wants to.

Until recently, Kuljey posted that she wanted her H back. So, in dating she is pursuing an avenue that is unlikely to make her former desire of having her family together happen.

No, not everybody gets to reconcile, but BS's dating further decrease the likelihood of reconciliation for those who have that hope.

Kuljey
I've read your posts for several months, responded to a few of them, and have a picture of you in my mind as being a warm, caring, motherly person. Someone who cares more about her children than herself. You've been dealt a bad hand recently and I know you've been hurt. The only thing I have to add is a story about my brother.

Brother is 40ish, never married, never found the right person, but has dated many women. He is a teacher of emotionally disturbed children, and would very much like kids of his own. He's great with kids, all of his neices and nephews get this silly look on their faces when they talk about Uncle S, he's really special.

Well, brother often dates women who are divorced and have kids, it's just the age group he's in. If he knows that the relationship with the woman is not going to last a lifetime, but the kids are starting to get attached to him, he will break off the relationship. He could stick around and have fun with the woman, but he knows if the kids get attached and he eventually leaves, he will hurt those kids. He has seen what dv, among other things of course, can do to kids and he can't, in good conscience, knowingly inflict any more pain on them.

This probably sounds like I'm trying to turn my brother into a saint, but I think you know what I mean.

Thinking of you.
Lablady

K, I would never bash you or anyone else .... at least not intentionally, so if it feels that way I apologize beforehand.

I understand how much you want to have someone in your life and how good it feels to do so. But your chances of this actually being successful are very slim, given where you are starting.

The thing that I read that is very chilling to me, and that I'm surprised no one else commented on is this:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">he has a ex that wants him back and 2 kids that want them back together. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">oh honey..... can you live with that? Knowing that there might have been even the tiniest little flicker of hope that another family might be reconciled and that other children could be spared the tragedy of seeing their home and family torn apart? And if after all this time she is willing to reconsider how can you know that your H won't come to that place?

You're an adult. And you have every right to make your choice. And even though I might not agree with it I'll support your right to do so..... but think long and hard. Feelings are good now, but they change. Conflict will catch up with you sooner or later and Mr. Wonderful's flaws will make themselves felt.... just like the rest of ours do eventually.

What a terrible heartbreaking place this is for you and I'm so sorry.

C

<small>[ July 03, 2003, 10:00 AM: Message edited by: kings kid ]</small>