he tells me after MB

"I am an A hole and you have always know it"
but at least I am a good A Hole.

He says he wont change
should I file

He has been home 30 minutes and has hit 2 kids

Why are you allowing him to hit your children?? If you sit there and allow someone to beat your kids, you are just as guilty as he is!

I am in shock that you've had only one response to your post.

I searched for old posts of yours, and the last time you posted you were in plan B and your H was on the other side of the country? Why/how did that all change?

He's been home for half an hour and he's hit two of your kids? Why has he hit them? Has he hit them before? How often?

I don't know about whether you should file or not, but I do know that you need to protect your kids and yourself NOW.

Are the children bruised? Is there physical evidence of abuse? If yes, get to a doctor and get it documented. Have you got any proof of the previous occasions?

Do you know someone else you and your kids can go stay with for the time being?

Is there any chance that your H will leave (again) if you ask him too?

Someone else please help out here and post if you have any personal experience with abusive husbands.

By the way, IMHO, there's no such thing as a "good a-hole", that's a huge oxymoron if I ever heard one.

Take care of yourself and your kids! Write more if you can so we can help you.

Jen

you are right
I am living in another town
but the campus is closed for a week so
i am at his house.

He hit my 13 year old for shotting fireworks
on the front porch.
and the 3 year old for kicking the cat

you are right I am the bad one here

<small>[ February 05, 2005, 04:43 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Your 3 year old is learning to be aggressive/abusive from his/her father!!! Do you want your kids growing up like him??

Things like this really p*ss me off!! Get off your butt and do something to provide your kids with a nurturing emotionally healthy enviroment!! Do something!! Your kids can't act for themselves, you are the adult, you are responsible for their best interests!

You are not a bad person but, you do need to put your kids first this time! Plus, he's told you he's not willing to change...believe him and do what it takes to to safe.

When you are right your are right

I am just having a really hard time
I have no support
no friends no family
he cut that off a long time ago

i wish I had the strenght to be pissed off

your comments are my life line
and I am holding on tight
we are moving out again next week and looking forward to it

dont know why I am having so much trouble letting go

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> you are right I am the bad one here </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh c'mon, I never said you were the "bad one" here. That sounds like something your H has trained you to say perhaps? Or you usually say to get him calmed down?

Your son is kicking the cat? Sounds to me like he's learned some abusive behaviour already. Certainly some kids who abuse animals grow up to abuse others.

Move back to your place on campus and take the kids. Why must you wait a week to do so?

I agree with MGM, your H has told you he's not willing to change, so take him at his word and get away from him, fast.

You ask why you are having so much trouble letting go. Here's a guess or two: You once loved this man, and he once treated you well. You wish you could work things out so your kids could grow up with both of their parents. You had a vision for your future which included a happy marriage, but that no longer seems to be a healthy reality. I think you are having trouble letting go of what SHOULD have been, when you need to let go of the H that you ACTUALLY have in the house with you right now. I'm not saying it should be easy to let go, God knows how hard letting go is for me. But don't beat yourself up b/c you're having trouble letting go.

You say you have no one.....here's a quote from an old post of yours, no wait, from this afternoon!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I read everything on MB and got counseling. He denied any problem and I took the kids and went to college for the summer. It has been so good. Much better than I had hoped for. I HAVE FRIENDS - one is a preachers wife and so fun. and the others are people next to me and in my class.
The kids are being so good. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Can you turn to those friends?

Jen

Those are new friends and dont want to run the off

We get our place back in just a few days and I have several job offers so we will be out soon\
Its just so hard to move on when he never said a word never said why or talked about it.

I am really having a bad day
just wish he would even talk to me
but know it wont ever happen and need to talk to someone else

I want the best for my kids and listen to everyone

Can't you go to a local Shelter until you can move into your place?

Get yourself into counseling. Your self esteem is shot. You need to work on yourself and believing in yourself. And don't wait, get out before he sends one of the kids to the hospital.

tx!!!! Oh my gosh....I can't believe this. You were just posting about how wonderful it's been to be on your own...and now this! Well, I guess the path is clear and any doubts you had at all have vanished. Please get away from this man. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

okay I'm taking a deep breath before jumping into this one (look at my sig)

txblondmom1--

First I'm going to ask you a question and I want you to think about it and answer honestly (because of some of the things you've said have raised some flags for me -- and I have just finished reading your other posts)

Is it only emotional abuse or is there also physical abuse (on you) that you are dealing with?

Please answer honestly -- I have been there. I almost was denied legal aid for my divorce because I refused to tell them that xH was beating me.

Okay here comes the other stuff --

I married to my xH in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship for 5 years.

You said that your H has had you cut ties with your family. I understand for even though my sister and parents lived only a few block away xH sought to isolate me from them as much as possible.

How did this happen? What did he do or require of you to isolate you?

Chances are your family recognizes already that it was him and not you -- and have been waiting for you to "wake up". If you had a good relationship with anyone in your family prior to your H's work -- go back to them, talk to them -- tell them what has happened, apologize if necessary -- chances are very good that they want to help.

The isolation that he orchestrated only keeps you in his power -- and it's a mirage, the isolation only goes one way... on the other side of that wall are friends and family just waiting for you.

You have said that you are very happy without him and the kids are happy -- until he goes to counceling and you see change you can NEVER go back to living with him, not even for a week.

He's a big boy -- he's not going to change -- he's said so and you know it.

YOu already know you are in a cycle -- he's a general [censored] and makes you feel bad about yourself (maybe even hits you -- hits the kids) -- then is nice again -- and you wait for the shoes to drop because nice doesn't last.

You are not a bad person -- it's his power over you than has given life to that mantra.

Go to the mirror and take a look at yourself -- there is a strong person inside, one that has dealt with all this garbage from a really sick man, who is still here -- and by the fact you've come to MB -- still a fighter.

It's that fighter he's been trying and succeeding in holding down. Succeeding, until now.

You just may be fighting for the wrong team right now. Your team is YOU and YOUR KIDS .... not him, not your marriage.

Your marriage is a road you've already traveled -- one that he is not willing to work to make better or get better himself . . .

He only wants to make you feel less so that he can feel better.

Time to break the cycle my dear. Not for another minute do you stay there if you can. Is there a shelter you can go to?

Do you have money for a motel room (soem even have kitchenettes) --- can you contact anyone in your family... make baby steps, often times they will get you money to help you out of the situation.

I know it's hard when you want to talk to someone, and want them to talk to you. But as you said that won't happen.

Stop letting him into your life -- it's time for you to be the best person and mom to yourself and your kids.

Hi

seems everyone has questions.
Let me expain the situation.

I have suffered from depression for about 7 years and couldnt understand why. Had a pretty home great kids and a great job. Nice clothes furniture and vacations everywhere. As I asked questions here I was lead to see the Emotional Abuse he puts me through. He never hits me -he even brags about that. He never yells or calls me names. His abuse is very very subtle and covert. He makes me feel bad all the time and I tried so hard to please him.
I read all the books. No visible wounds. Verbal abuse etc.

Went to plan B when school was out. Have been at a college 500 miles away with the kids and we had a great time. The class was very hard and I made a 95. the hightest grade in the class.

We had a week off and his family was going to be at his house so we were going to see them
just be there 4 days. I thought it would be okay
I sleep on the couch. It rained all day long.
He came home and as you can tell was terrible.
I guess I was expecting something.
That he would try to talk or something.
It didnt happen and I saw that he hadnt read
HNHN and was hurt and realizing Plan B was not
working and it really is over.

I have approval for a house and will buy it now.
and I am packing now to go back to school while he isnt here.

I got a really good job and more money. So money is no problem. Just hard to see him lose everything because I know he cant afford our old house. But that is his choice. I tried

As for him hitting the kids. It was a slap on the shoulder for my 14 year old son for a mess on the porch and the 3 year old girl just wanted to move the cat out of her way and kicked it. He spanked her foot. I had been here with them all day and didnt need to get on to them even once.

He used to hit them a lot and I put a stop to that by telling him I would file charges.
As a school counselor I know there is never a good reason to hit kids.

Write back I am packing and will check often

I just have a comment about buying a house. While you are still legally married, and depending on where you live, divorce law may require "equal division of the marital assets" up to the day that the divorce is filed for. In other words, if you buy a new home now, before you file for divorce, I fear your H will be entitled to a financial share of any new home you buy. Please check with a lawyer before you make any big purchases like a home.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He makes me feel bad all the time and I tried so hard to please him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sounds like me. But we never can quite please them, can we?

The happiness you found when you were away at school sounds a little like how happy I felt when I first moved out. I was so relieved not to be living in fear of upsetting my H all the time, and didn't have to apologize all the time, it felt so much better than being with my H. Strangely enough, I still love him and miss the good times we had, and the days when he wasn't emotionally manipulative, but that was quite a while ago it would seem.

You say you've read all the books. Just curious, which ones? A couple of really interesting and useful ones related to emotional abuse were "Why does he do that?" and "Emotional Blackmail."

Take care,

Jen

Hi Jen

Sounds like you are in almost the same situation
h doesnt want to work on the M either
he blames me for everything and thinks he is perfect.

The house I am buying is right by the kids school so it will be easier to get my son to football practice. I have a lawyer and the divorce is 500$ I am making payments to him right now. Ex can only get any equity that I have in the house and I am not putting any money down. Just closing costs. He has about 50 thousand equity in his house so he is going to owe me a lot of money and the child support is about 1100 a months so he is going to be in more financial trouble than I am.

How are things going for you in the seperation?

Hi jen

I read those books. and loved them

I think he is narsissitic and there is no changing him because he doesnt think he has a problem.

Sounds like you are in the same place I am
He wont work on the M
write again soon

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">he blames me for everything and thinks he is perfect. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sounds like my H again! He was even so bold to scream at me that he was perfect on d-day. I don't actually think he believes that, I think he's very insecure, hence his need to control and manipulate me.

How's our separation going? It's been over a year, with very little progress. He's still hurt, angry and undecided. If he could, I think he'd divorce me but keep having sex with me. Right now I'm letting him have some time alone to get over me having my lawyer mail him a letter announcing the beginning of divorce proceedings (I've halted them for now). It's probably just easiest if you take a peek at my most recent thread: I knew this would be hard.....

What are some of the other books you have read? Did applying any of the suggestions in that "Emotional Blackmail" book make any difference?

Jen

X called last night -
he is being all nice and sweet
he came up to the college and
got a room by himself.

He brought us breakfast this morning
he acts like nothing is wrong.
I have tons of homework so maybe he
will take the kids to swim.

My favorite book is "Controling People and how to deal with them" It describes him perfectly.

I keep remember things it said and how I am only a toy to him, not a real person so my feelings dont matter.

It was a great book Have you read it?

That's why we have so much trouble, they go and get all nice on us, and then we feel confused.

I haven't read that book.

I am really struggling with the fact that I feel like I deserve better treatment than my H is giving me, yet since I cheated on him, it's like I have to put up with it if I want to remain married. Did you have a chance to read my other thread?

I feel so stuck.

Jen