I just got an email forwaded to me by my Wife. The OM emailed her and said after talking to another coworker about what he needs to do to fix his life he has decided to not try and fix it but to just give it to GOD.

She then responded to him that she agreed. She said she has been pulled back and forth lately. She said it is hard to wait for God's timing.

Last night my WW asked if we worked things out if I thought I could ever be friends again with the OM.

I told her no way, never!

She pointed out that I would not really be forgiving him if I could not be his friend again.

Seems to make sense. How do you forgive someone for sinning against you and not have a relationship with them. I don't think I could trust this guy to be near my wife or family ever again. Does that mean I am not forgiving him?

My wife said almost the same thing to me. Doesn't work, trust me.

You not being friends with him doesn't have anything to do with you not forgiving him. It has to do with him endangering the sanctity of your marriage. God says to love your neighbor. Love him because he is a unique special creation of God.

The bible doesn't tell us to be friends with everyone and just because you had a friendship once doesn't mean you should continue it now. "Friends" come and go all the time. It is better that this one goes.

This is just how I see it. Other, more learned folks might have something more concrete

God Bless

<small>[ July 25, 2003, 10:31 AM: Message edited by: d_rose ]</small>

Thanks d rose for your response. I really like the statement in your signature "in His grip and holding on...."

I know that I need to get closer to God and that once I am as close as He wants me to be He will work this all out. I have known this for over a week and today a friend sent me an email reminding me of this. It is just so hard to concentrate on God when all you can think about is your wife.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by GiveItToGOD:
<strong>Last night my WW asked if we worked things out if I thought I could ever be friends again with the OM.

I told her no way, never!

She pointed out that I would not really be forgiving him if I could not be his friend again.

Seems to make sense. How do you forgive someone for sinning against you and not have a relationship with them. I don't think I could trust this guy to be near my wife or family ever again. Does that mean I am not forgiving him?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If he asks you for forgiveness and is truly repentent, you are required to forgive him. HOWEVER, that does not mean that you let the fox back in the hen house. You end ALL CONTACT. BOTH OF YOU.

Forgiveness DOES NOT MEAN an avoidance of consequences. You might forgive the bank robber, but you don't give him the keys to the bank.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The OM emailed her and said after talking to another coworker about what he needs to do to fix his life he has decided to not try and fix it but to just give it to GOD.

She then responded to him that she agreed. She said she has been pulled back and forth lately. She said it is hard to wait for God's timing. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe it would just be easier to read the Bible to find out what God wants? A novel idea, I know, but sometimes it can be revealing.

I sort of doubt that God is going to come down and whisper in OM's ear to do something like dump him wife or have an affair, going against all the teachings in the Bible. Unless OM thinks God is a liar and the OM gets some special dispensation that precludes him from God's Word, I sort of doubt that God is going to contradict himself for the OM.

You can give this to Mr OM and tell him these are God's thoughts:

Matthew 5:32
But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.

Matthew 19 5-6
'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'[2] ? 6So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."

Matthew 15: 18-20
18But the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart, and these make a man 'unclean.' 19For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander. 20These are what make a man 'unclean'; but eating with unwashed hands does not make him 'unclean.' "

My WW just emailed me and asked "If I asked you to move away from here with me and the kids would you?"
I told her YES. Is there anything wrong with moving to get away from the OM?

HECK NO!! Harley recommends it if you can.

When I asked if we would work on our marriage she said "Every day things get more and more clearer that I want to work on our marriage."
I am scared to believe it. I have been in the dark so long it is hard to see the light.

GG, it is a good sign but I have to WARN you about something. The WS will probably do some vacillating before she comes off the fence for good. So while this is good, be prepared for some backsliding, ok? It most likely will happen and you have to expect it. This is not the end but the START of the end.

GI2G,

So tru what Melody said. The will be swings back and forth. Patience, patience, patience. Your W seems pretty sure about this and that is a huge thing for you guys. Having her be willing is paramount. Florida is a nice place to move. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

God Bless

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> We talked. She is totally wanting to fix our marriage and work to make it the marriage God wants for us. She is working on the NC letter now. She wants to talk to the OM's wife because they were becoming friends before all this and we all work in the same office building. Do you think this is a good idea? They talked the night the A became public (that's how it became public) and they have talked one other time since.

She wants to talk to her about what? To apologize? Hopefully, she is doing that. Also, it will be a problem if she continues to work with the OM. It is almost impossible to recover when you are still in contact.

ALL FOUR OF US WORK TOGETHER! My wife is down the hall, his wife is across the hall from me and he is on another floor.

NOT a good idea to leave it like that. You will both be stuck at D-Day forever if you all continue to see each other. Harley says recovery is almost impossible without no contact. I thought she wanted to move?

On Friday night we met with the OM's wife and gave her the NC letter to give to him. Things went well.

We had a great weekend, my Wife was very affectionate and loving and we talked a lot about what God has in store for us and our marriage.

Today we are back at work. She emailed to tell me she saw him 3 times already. Twice was in passing and there was no eye contact but the third time he brought some CDs she had lent him. No communication.

Then she emailed me saying she F'd up and that she emailed him using a new personal email account and said "I hope you are not mad, I truly apologize."

I asked for the login info for the email account and she agreed to give it to me. I just feel really bad that I had to ask her for it.

I wish that moving away or finding a new job was easy. That may be the next step. It seems like he is doing this on purpose even though he told his wife that he want's this too but didn't want to hurt my Wife.

After work she said she was confused and that she had a tough day. We went to counseling and she told the counselor that she wished the OM would just tell her that he didn't want anything to do with her. When asked what would happen if he said he still wants her she said "I don't know."

After counseling she told me she knows that our marriage will work and that I am doing a good job. She said her feelings are split 70/30 with me getting the 70.

She was still reaching out for my hand a few times. I am scared that I am getting my hopes up and that I am going to be hurt again. She told me she isn't going to hurt me and doesn't want to hurt me. Our counselor doesn't think moving is a good idea. Neither does our bank account.

My wife says she got the closure she needed. Apparently she emailed the OM. I don't knwo what to do now. I feel betrayed because of her promise of NC but I am glad that she got closure and wants me and our marriage. She sent me portions of the email but not the whole thing. Should I worry about what she is hiding from me?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by GiveItToGOD:
<strong>

I wish that moving away or finding a new job was easy. That may be the next step. It seems like he is doing this on purpose even though he told his wife that he want's this too but didn't want to hurt my Wife.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">GTG, you should worry about the content of the letter and the fact that she has already broken her promise for NC. You don't have a hope of recovery as long as she continues. Every time she contacts him, you both are right back to square 1.

Also, the OMW needs to know that he has continued contact. I would even suggest talking to him yourself about this. If contacts are just ignored with no consequence it is likely to continue with frequency.

Another thing you should consider. Often in this stage the WS vacillates. So 2 steps forward might be followed by 3 steps backwards. This cycle can go on for a while.

What should I ask my wife to do to show me that this will not happen again? She says she got the closure she needed and has no intention of emailing him again. But how do I know she is sincere? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

GTG,I must be losing my mind, I wrote out a reply to this earlier today and it is not here!

Anyway, I think it is a good sign that she was open with you about her contact. However, you really do need her email passwords so that you can verify no contact until trust is restored. She should want you to have that. Trust.......but verify.

Also, "closure" is a cute and lofty sounding word, but I am not sure it means anything more than an excuse for more contact. It is sort of a meaningless psychobabble word. If you are really going to CLOSE something, you don't walk back in, you close the darn door. She didn't do that, she sent him a letter opening up communications that had already been supposedly "closed".

EVERY CONTACT puts her withdrawal and YOUR recovery back to DAY 1. That is extremely cruel to a BS.

This is going to be next to impossible with you all working together, you sure don't need her sending more letters for "closure."