This email listed new people on the site- with photos and guess who was there!! It shook me a little- its only 3 weeks since he split with OW and obviously hes on the look out again. It brought home to me that this man is no longer the H I married and its time to get on with getting the dv sortrd.

I agree. I don't know how you feel, but I feel for you and imagine some of what must run through your mind. I have a hard time knowing how he will ever be happy. I wish there was evidence that he had learned more from this.

Oh well, I am glad that you have learned.

I hope you and the boys have a wonderful trip. I hope you laugh, and skip, and sing, and totally enjoy yourself. I hope the boys do too. I know that life is not always fair, but I feel it is time you had a little bit of fun, and were able to relax. Let all your worries go, they will still be there waiting when you get back. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Actually, I could have probably left that last line off.

Let us know if you have more fun than you can stand, we'll try and console you.

SS

HI
Had a great week away ith the boys- enjoying being a mum again. We saw many of our old friends and visited old places we enjoy. Weather was glorious which is not always the case in Scotland!!! Back now and have to sit down with T tomorrow and discuss our financial settlement so I can go ahead and get the absolute!

Jante

HI
Just had discussion with my STBX about finances, and now I'm kicking myself. I know I should have left it to the solicitors to fight out but was sick of it dragging on so tried to work it out our selves and I've ended up giving in on most issues. The main problem being I know he is massively in debt and so can't afford anything different. Am i fool or just too soft hearted ????

Jante

Jante

I don't know if you've read my latest stuff about finances. At the end of the day, you can get out of this and move on. You saw the recent stuff your H was doing on the internet (yuck, yuck, but at least it gave you a firm indication of where you wanted to go), so now you can take control of your own destiny.

To be honest, I don't know all the ins and outs of your situation, BUT, it is not being too soft to get a deal sorted out and move on with some closure. You yourself told me you feel in limbo. Do not give in to anything you think is unfair or penalises your ability to live as you need to. But if it means you can agree something which is acceptable to you and means you can get on with living your life, let it go and accept it.

Take care and wishing you well from London.

Lisa

Hi lisa and thanks.
Yes i've read your posts, and understand the problems you are having. In the end for me its come down to a wish to have it all over and done with and to know I was not vindictive what ever his behaviour. He did give way on one issue- he had started by saying I didn't have any rights to a portion of his pension- which I argued I did. Legally and morally I have a right as I helped him put money into it. Anyway in the end he said if I thought I had a right to it he would share it with me- I think he may have hoped I would give way but I didn't. The solicitor is looking at the agreement H and I came up with and so unless he sees any glaring problems it should all be done and dusted very soon.

Jante

Hello Jante,
I wonder if you had a good time on that trip, or if you spent much of it thinking of the discussion you needed to have and going over it in your mind.

Just had discussion with my STBX about finances, and now I'm kicking myself. I know I should have left it to the solicitors to fight out but was sick of it dragging on so tried to work it out our selves and I've ended up giving in on most issues. The main problem being I know he is massively in debt and so can't afford anything different. Am i fool or just too soft hearted ????

Perhaps you are neither. Did you consider that? Perhaps because you know how much in debt he is, you were kind to him, because you wanted to be able to live with yourself.

I don't know if I will end up in heaven, but if I do, I would love to have you as my neighbour. Do you think D or A would mow the lawn for us when Spencer is gone?

See how my mind works, I have some jokes to go along with this, but they are all bad. I'll spare you today.

You still on for sailing lessons? If you give up on that, come over and we will show you the Grand Canyon.

Smile, it's good for you.

SS

PS, are you doing alright today? This week? Have you remembered that you have friends that care?

<small>[ August 19, 2003, 05:26 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

HI SS

Thanks ys i am doing fine and I ppraise God for the friends who care for me. When i review what as said and decided over finance I jave decided I agredd to what was the best solution for both T and myself and the children. My solicitor is checking it over but I don't expect any changes.

I am still going sailing next week- i had a few doubts at the w/e especially when T decided to change his plans for the holiday with the children, throwing me into a loop over the dog. But in the end I told him how unhappy the boys were with the change of plans and he changed them back to staying at this house and so i am going on with my holiday.

I have also planned a w/e celebration away with my friends for my birthday next month so have plenty of fun things happening in my life. I'm still looking for an answer about my church commiments but am feeling very much at peace at the moment.

Do you think D or A would mow the lawn for us when Spencer is gone?

M not sure as they rarely cut it for me unless they want to earn extra pocket money!!

Jante

Hi J,

W asked about you, and I told her what I know.
My mind is slow today after rescuing # 3 son from the bottom of a canyon. He drove his truck into it, and couldn't get out. It took us until three AM to get him out. There are still some pretty wild places in the western US. This is married son, not S. No one was hurt, and his truck is OK too, though he will have to replace some of the tires.

I am working slow today, hard to get going FOR SOME REASON.

From the sound of things, you are moving on and doing very well. It is easy to have faith in you.

Still pray for you.
Many days I wish I had more time. Sleep would be nice too.

SS

HI

SS I hope you and your son are fully recovered from the shock of his landing at the bottom of a canyon!!

I have had notification from my solicitor that he has applied for the decree absolute on my behalf so by the time I get back from my sailing trip I will be divorced. He also expressed concern that I was getting less than a fair settlement from T but as you rightly said above, knowing how deep in debt he is I couldn't live at peace if I made it worse. I know that as I have earned very little in the last 5 months i could have spousal support from him, but God has blessed me and I am still in a much better position financially that T so why would I want what he can't give me. Also I am an adult well able to care for myself. Though the Chuild Support is £70 a month short of what I could ask for I have decided to leave it as it is for the same reason. I will trust T to give me miore as he is financially able to.

Took the boys shopping for school clothes this afternoon, and couldn't get over how quickly and calmly we managed it. No complaints even from D at having to get the school shoes etc. I bought him a new tee shirt he wasnnted but in return insisted he had a smart shirt to wear on occasions when we are out as a family for dinner etc. This is the first one he has agreed to wear for over 2 years. Life is looking up. I have also finished decorating my hallway this evening- and now have a lovely clean tidy entry to the house. I even laid the floor covering and am really pleased with the result.

Hope all is well with you and yours. Will be away now for 10 days.

Jante

Hi J,
You won't see this until you get back, but that's not far off now. I intended to come every few days and type someting so you would have a greeting but it didn't work !!

You are getting more talented as you go. You put down the floor in the entry! I remember when you said you didn't know how to use a drill !

By now you are probably a regular handyman - or would that be handy women?

Anyway, since you are gone now, I won't keep you long today. More later.

SS

HI SS

Back from trip. Putting down floor wasn't difficult as it was stick down tiles but it still looked good.

The trip was great- 5 days sailing in the English Channel- we sailed to the Channel Islands and to France. Faced a force 7 wind- with gusts of 33 knotts an hour- quite something.The whole trip taught me a lot more about myself and how far I have come in 3 years.

T had had a quiet week with the children at my home- they didn't do much as they hadn't wanted to go away with him he said he wasn't then going to take them places up here!! but they seem to have had a good time. Absolute confirmation not through yet though I'm sure I am dved by now- glad to be able to move on with my life.

Hope all is well with you

Jante

Welcome home.

I'll come back and visit more, but must go now.

I hope it was all you wished for. By now I almost expect you to only tell the good, but I hope it was ALL good.

I am sure the boys will have stories for you. Perhaps even the dog will. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Ah, the world is still very much with us, do you ever get weary?

Tomorrow is usually better, probably because I sleep tonight. See you later.

SS

<small>[ August 31, 2003, 12:28 AM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

HI SS

Yes there were some very ood times on my trip and very little that wasn't good. Just 3 days of sea sickness!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> But still i managed to keep smiling and would go sailing again- though preferably not a cross channel crossing in a small yacht!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Spent time with new people and got on with them which was great.

Since I gotbck the boys haven't said much about the week with their Dad- though C has been very cuddly. Seems they just spent the week playing with friends and doing normal things at home.

The boys go back to school this week and I am hoping for some teaching myself- its time i had some more work!

Hope the weariness has left you.

Jante

Greetings J,

Hope your Mum is well this week.

Yes there were some very ood times on my trip and very little that wasn't good. Just 3 days of sea sickness!! But still i managed to keep smiling and would go sailing again- though preferably not a cross channel crossing in a small yacht!! Spent time with new people and got on with them which was great.

I don't know if I would do well as a sailor as I got sea sick going only a hundred miles or so out on the ocean near Alaska a couple of years ago. I took the pills, and then I couldn't stay awake.
Is this something you always wanted to do?

Since I gotbck the boys haven't said much about the week with their Dad- though C has been very cuddly. Seems they just spent the week playing with friends and doing normal things at home.

If they had notihg to say, then perhaps T can cook. I wondered if they would report on the food or lack of it, and thank you for returning. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

The boys go back to school this week and I am hoping for some teaching myself- its time i had some more work! I still think you ought to run for PM. Margret Thacher seemed to do a good job. I am sure A would make a very good advisor.

Hope the weariness has left you.

Feeling better today. I think it was pouring cement yesterday in the 100 deg heat. My desk job doesn't prepare me for it very well.

I hope you are full of energy and that you do get some teaching. It was about this time last year that Dreamed that you had posted to me that you had gotten a job teaching 11 year olds. It was so real to me that I asked you about it on the forum, but you didn't recall what I was speaking about. You can call me excentric. Crazy has such a bad ring to it.

Sometimes I wonder about me too.

Ah well. Please have a good week home getting back into things. You seldom report on any exchanges between you and T. I assume that he continues to treat you as a friend and likes to converse with you. I worry about him, but I can do nothing but pray. I still pray for you, but I do not worry - if that makes sense.

I don't even need to tell you to take care of the boys, because I know you will already.

Is it too early to ask what you need for your birthday? Or even - forget need, what do you want?

Maybe I could take the boys shopping for you, and help them pick out some orange socks or something. ( bright orange, really bright.)

See, not so tired today. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Has your business done much lately?

I had better leave you alone for today.

SS

HI

These are quiet days now the boys are back at school- I haven't got any supply work this week though I have one day booked in , in a weeks time.

SS
But still i managed to keep smiling and would go sailing again- though preferably not a cross channel crossing in a small yacht!
Is this something you always wanted to do?

Yes- I'd done some sailing with T just before he left, and then again last summer I had a couple of hours on a lake, so this was an opportunity to stretch myself and find out if I really liked sailing for itself. It as a training course so I came away with Competant Crew certificate which is something else to add to my hobbies list.

You seldom report on any exchanges between you and T. I assume that he continues to treat you as a friend and likes to converse with you. I worry about him, but I can do nothing but pray.

Spot on. We went out as a family to celebrate his birthday recently and I'm sure that to anyone watching we just looked like a normal married family. The truth is the dv is nearly through and I am finding it harder and harder to spend time with him. I think like a lot of people here being good friends with someone you loved but who hurt you so much is just very hard. While on the sailing hol I was chatting with a psychology student who made much of how strong I had been to remain friendly and not angry and bitter with T. I never feel that I was strong, just that I acted in the only way possible. It still strikes me as odd that people find my actions and attitude unusual!!

Has your business done much lately?
No nothing over the summer but I am booked to speak at 2 conferences over the next 6 months- in London- which is a good oppportunity to network. they will pay me for each day as I am no longer working in a related job.

Maybe I could take the boys shopping for you, and help them pick out some orange socks or something. ( bright orange, really bright.) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

They would probably object very loudly as they are very conservative when it comes to how I dress!! I got into trouble in the holidays for wearing shorts- they were knee length but A still thought they were too short!! I don't think he'd approve of orange socks.

Jante

HI
Hi to you too!

These are quiet days now the boys are back at school- I haven't got any supply work this week though I have one day booked in , in a weeks time.
I wonder a lot - I wonder if you worry. I hope you get on well enough. I wonder if you think a lot, and what you think about.

I believe you are pretty down to earth, and you don't worry too much about things you can't do anything about. You seem to be a worker, that is, one who doesn't just worry about things, she changes them.

Yes- I'd done some sailing with T just before he left, and then again last summer I had a couple of hours on a lake, so this was an opportunity to stretch myself and find out if I really liked sailing for itself. It as a training course so I came away with Competant Crew certificate which is something else to add to my hobbies list.
I think that is really nice. I have had no experience sailing at all, but I work with someone that was a navigator on a race from Fiji to Brazil. They won the race too, and he got a nice bonus for doing a good job. He says that the storms around the bottom of south America are as bad as the rumors say they are. He was in the US air force and when he got out he sailed the south pacific for a year or so before he came back and got a regular job. If I ever do it, I'll call you to be crew.

..........The truth is the dv is nearly through and I am finding it harder and harder to spend time with him. I think like a lot of people here being good friends with someone you loved but who hurt you so much is just very hard.

I wonder how long that friendship will last after the D is final. It will get harder as time goes on. I still wonder if there will be a line out the front waiting for you, and if A and D will have to give out numbers for them to come back in a more orderly fashion. Of course I am teasing you, but what I am saying fits my opinion of you. You are an uncommon person. That does not mean you are wealthy, or famous. It means you live the way a person ought to live, and do as you should even when it is hard for you.

While on the sailing hol I was chatting with a psychology student who made much of how strong I had been to remain friendly and not angry and bitter with T. I never feel that I was strong, just that I acted in the only way possible. It still strikes me as odd that people find my actions and attitude unusual!!

To many people, living right is just theory. You actually do it, and you can see no other way. It doesn't strike me odd what people think. If people want to compliment you, just smile and say thank you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
I know I should leave you alone, but when your life has had such major changes it is left for your friends to remind you sometimes of who you really are. T hasn't helped your self esteem much the last few years.
I don't believe I exagarate. You could say " Well, he doesn't live with me,and he doesn't know the mistakes I make, and he doesn't see my faults." That would be true, but I believe my statements would stand that test. I am sure of it.

"Has your business done much lately? "
No nothing over the summer but I am booked to speak at 2 conferences over the next 6 months- in London- which is a good oppportunity to network. they will pay me for each day as I am no longer working in a related job.

I am glad you continue to grow and learn. It is good for us. I would like to see you have enough work to pay of all your debt and be free. I mean, more quickly than the schedule you are on. I know it is a concern of yours. I know from personal experiance that business is not always easy.
I believe you will be fine, but I don't know what form that "fine" will take.

Maybe I could take the boys shopping for you, and help them pick out some orange socks or something. ( bright orange, really bright.)

They would probably object very loudly as they are very conservative when it comes to how I dress!! I got into trouble in the holidays for wearing shorts- they were knee length but A still thought they were too short!! I don't think he'd approve of orange socks.

I wouldn't approve of orange socks either, but that was all I could think of on short notice. I am glad A worries about how you drerss, we wouldn't want you to get too much out of line. I'll have to give this one more thought. You better start wondering.

I prayed for many here on MB this morning, and when I was discussing you I felt that you didn't need anything specific right now. I felt at peace for you. I felt that your Father is happy with you right now- It was not an ordinary feeling. I do not claim to speak for God but I do feel he is happy with you, with how you have done lately, with where you are headed. If that is true, you should feel it for yourself.

J, one of the reasons I continue to communicate with you is that It improves ME to have contact with people that are a good example, and that teach me correct principals. I believe you do a good job of that.
Thank you.

SS

<small>[ September 04, 2003, 03:22 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>