LIR, I want for you to be able to not live with fear.

I don't know what else to say, really, except that one thing. I want for you to be able to live a live where there is no fear. What would it take to get you there?

Right now, I don't know how to move forward. Or at least, I do know that I can take steps to move forward with myself, but I feel very fearful. And I don't know how to move forward into a better place with my husband. There are times when I think it might be possible, but I don't know.

I have struggled with this - with your thread since November. Often things come to me in bits and pieces.

Can we start with a scripture today? This is from First John, chapter 4, verse 18.
18: There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.

I believe I know where your mind will take you when you first read this. Please do not continue in that direction. I believe I know where most of us would go with it if we read it in the context of a thread such as yours is. That's not the direction I want to go. Or only in a round about way.

Perfect love casteth out fear. You and I fear. I know that I do, and as much as I want not to fear, sometimes I still do. There are times that I do not fear, times I trust God so much that I cannot fear, but I can't hold that any more than Peter was able to sustain his faith and walk on water without faltering.

I hope you understand that these ( the things I discuss with you)are not theory to me, because I have seen too much and gotten to many answers when I have prayed.

Perfect love casteth out fear, but we fear. I don't know how long it will take for me to get perfect love, but I expect it is something that can be accomplished someday. I work for it as though it were possible, because I believe it is.

This next part will make more sense if you read before and after that scripture - but I'll go on and you can read it if you get time. -

Now, here is the next question -
Is your husband your enemy?

Please think on this question in conjunction with the scripture. And again, if you go where your mind takes you naturally after reading the surrounding scriptures and then this question then you need to back up and try again.

Normally we think of failings in ourselves. If only I had perfect love -
God doesn't expect perfection instantly, so please don't think I am doing this with the 2x4 in mind.

Think: God = Loving Father
One who knows your limits, and abilities. One who offers encouragement, not punishment. One who won't make a mistake. One who can't make a mistake.
Now, if perfect love casteth out fear, what is left?

Once I asked you what the greatest trials were for Christ. They were within. He was tried, condemned, scourged, and executed. He was not afraid.

Why?
He knew who he was.
He knew his mission.
He knew the outcome.
He knew the things in the middle would be painful but had faith that in the end he would triumph as promised.

When I asked if you have enough faith in God to trust that your future will be bright - this is what I referred to. The things in the middle may be painful but you will triumph in the end. That's the promise.

From Romans chapter 8.

14 For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, they are the sons of God.
15 For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father.
16  The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God:
17 And if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together.
18 For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.

Now, who are YOU. Do you believe the answer as found in verses 16, and 17 ?

I come to you with the spirit of encouragement, not with the spirit of a 2x4. I want you to know who you are. You are not a failure. You are not an attention seeker. You are a daughter of God who has come seeking help on her journey. I believe that help will continue to be available to you as you seek it and as you continue to try.

If your H is not your enemy- then who is he? IN the context of what we are discussing, who is he?

I do not believe God will ask you to give more than you are able to give. I do believe he loves you, and seeks to give you all the blessings he possibly can. I understand your fear. Not that I have the same fear, but my fears are as real to me as yours are to you, and we both have the same challenge, to overcome. I do believe God wants you to have safety. I don't know how it is supposed to go, or what will happen next.

Christ asked that the cup might pass from him, but said also he was willing. Often it is, that we cannot see, and we must trust that if God tells us to walk the path, then the end will be in his hands. That is - that has to be acceptable.

If you doubt, please just kneel down and pray something as simple as this:
Father, are you there?
I promise there will come into your heart an answer and you will know that he is there, and that he loves and cares for YOU.
I promise as you continue to pray you will continue to get help

I would like to tell you that there is an easy way, but I do not believe there is. I can tell you from personal experience that the hard way it worth the effort, and also that further on, there is much joy in the journey. I may be right now in the middle of one of my worst tests, but there is much Joy in the journey. I also have wondered what to do, I have agonized about which path is the correct path. After time, thought, and prayer, the answer has come, and I am on the path. I can't see then end, I don't know the outcome, but I trust the answer given me. I trust the one that gives the answers.

I hope the New Year is a new year for me. I will have to find the strength in myself to make it so.

I wish you a Merry Christmas, I wish you a better new year, a happy one. Merry and happy, as in - joyful, without fear or pain. I wish that for you and pray that you might have that gift if only for a short time, so that you will know that it really can be.

It is true you need to look to yourself for strength, but then, when you have no more, you can get help, and this I know from personal experiance. Additional strength is available when you have no more of your own.

I am still seeking, but I am also still finding, and the treasure is real, and it is good. Please continue - My fellow traveler, we can do this.

SS

PS, I think J asked a very good question, and it is a good direction to think in. I just wanted to help you get oriented, before you take off again, because once you have your directin, I am barely able to keep up with you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ December 23, 2003, 08:26 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Thank you J, and thank you ss,

I'm here on X-mas Eve, up late - H is gone to work and won't be back until 5 tomorrow afternoon - YS is home with me and sleeping in my bed tonight. OS is in his boarding house and I will be able to bring him home tomorrow afternoon after he finishes singing for all his services. We have a different kind of Christmas from most people - but it is the way we have always done it, and we are all involved and uplifted by the beautiful music we contribute to our church life.

I wanted to let you know that I feel a little better today. I don't really know why. Please don't get too upset if I tell you something awful that I was thinking - you can take me to task if you want to, but I don't think I need it - I got mad enough at myself! I was lying in bed, trying to go to sleep and feeling really bad - tormented by these feelings of isolation with my H lying in bed right next to me. I don't usually entertain any ideas of suicide - its not something I would ever consider, since my cousin and my SIL both committed suicide. But I suddenly thought of my SIL and how she did it, how my BIL found her, and in the next thought, I saw myself lying on our bed in the same way, with my H finding me. It was a really horrible thought - really nasty. All of a sudden, no matter how depressed I was feeling, I suddenly felt very frightened, and then all of a sudden, very angry! I thought, I am NEVER going to let that happen to me! Get thee behind me, Satan and stop putting these thoughts into my head! I felt frightened at first, and then, very angry, but not at MYSELF, or even at my H! Just angry! And after that, I have started to feel alive again, as if I have started to push these bad thoughts away from me again. I know it was a real "low" point, but I don't feel guilty about it, and I don't think I was "wallowing". I just want to go up from here. That picture is not something that I accept as possible for me, and no matter how much I may fear my H, or fear things that might happen, I will NOT go there. I have a different vision of my future, and it is the one of happiness in God's peace which He has promised to me.

Ever since then, I have felt calmer. H has been just as maddeningly frustrating, and has tried my patience, but it hasn't got me to the brink of despair.

In some ways, ss, I guess I am like what you said your wife got to be. I don't want to leave H - I want to work it out - I don't know if we can work it out - and almost EVERY conversation we have about the most ordinary things turn into frustrating interchanges. I won't say they are arguments, because I am not arguing with him - they are "frustrating" for both of us - so my only solution is to just ignore him. So in order to avoid any frustrating interchanges, I talk to him as little as possible.

We had one of those yesterday - he looked at "our" bank statement, and saw the automatic withdrawals to the two charities I contribute to each month - a small amount - £5 each. He said "I'd like to change that to go to X (a particular Catholic charity)". I said "I can arrange so that X amount of £ goes out to that charity, if you like". (I do not want to stop contributing to the charities of my choice, and I am happy to contribute more to the charity of his choice). H says he doesn't see the point in contributing to the other two - he thinks its money wasted is its not going to a Catholic charity. I start defending the reasons why I contribute to these charities. H says "Now you are just starting to argue". I say I'm not arguing, I am saying that I want to continue to contribute to my charities and also the one he wants, too. He is eating his lunch standing up in the kitchen and not looking at me. He started this conversation just as I was about to go out, so I am standing in the doorway with my coat on. I say I have the right to choose where I want my money to go, since it is my money in the account. He says he wasn't talking about the money coming into the account, he's talking about the money that goes out of the account. I say its relevant about the money which goes into the account because all of my money goes into it, and I am entitled to have a say in how my money is spent. He says I am just arguing for the sake of it and I can spend my money however I like. I say what you are really saying is that you don't agree with me deciding to spend my money this way, and I can continue to spend my money this way but you will resent it. He says "There you go, telling me how I feel!" I say "I'm not telling you how you feel, I'm asking you if you resent me because I want to do something you don't agree with." He says I am "casting him in a role" again. I say I never meant this to turn into an argument and I decide to leave and do my shopping. I go as quietly as I can without making a big deal out of it while he continues to eat his lunch in the kitchen without looking at me.

When I come back, he has made me lunch and left my plate on the table for me. He is upstairs wrapping X-mas presents and he calls out to me "I'm sorry about the argument - I didn't mean for it to be an argument." I answered, "No offence taken. I didn't mean for it to be an argument either. We simply disagree."

Now for me, this is the crux of the problems between us and shows a lot of the dynamic. H has his own, strong ideas about how things should be run. He doesn't accept that I should want to do anything different than from what he thinks. When I do, he instantly accuses me of arguing with him, or of being argumentative. He doesn't get that there are win/win solutions to our differences of opinion. In short, he doesn't know how to negotiate, and doesn't even see the neccessity for negotiation. When he wants something to be a certain way, he doesn't seem to be able to tolerate me wanting something different. I suppose he has dealt with the prospect of me wanting anything different by trying to keep full control over the money.

I am starting to see that the tactic he uses is to accuse me of arguing, straight off the bat, whenever I want something different. So - if I disagree with him, I am "argumentative". I can't stop having my own ideas unless I erase myself from the map and become a non-speaking appendage to his existence, which isn't my idea of living, or a relationship, so I guess I am going to continue to be "argumentative" until either the relationship ends, or he changes. One or the other, because I am not going to stop being a person. I have the right to disagree, with respect and courtesy, and I have the right to negotiate an agreement which makes us both happy, when there is a disagreement.

The other thing is that until H puts all of his money in our joint bank account, I don't consider that he has any right to an opinion on how I spend my money. If all of his money became our money, just as all of my money is our money, then he would have a right to have something to say. Until then, in my opinion, he doesn't. Even if he did, we would still have to negotiate, because I am always still going to have my own ideas. But without a level playing field, there is little room for negotiation.

That brings me to your question, ss - is H my enemy? It's strange you ask this question, because it is exactly the one I have been asking myself as I read Scripture. I have to admit that I have, lately, felt that H falls into the "enemy" camp. He is my enemy if he threatens me, and if I'm scared of him. But does he have to be? Of course, he shouldn't be. And I don't want him to be. But if I feel I have to protect myself against him, I shove him back over to the "enemy" camp. That brings up the question of how to treat your enemies. And what did Jesus say? Love your enemies. Return good for evil. Boy! Talk about a challenge! All I can say is that I'm trying, but honey, it ain't easy!! I don't at this moment see any answers, but I am not despairing.

Well, I really need to get off and get those presents under the tree. I have a lot to be grateful for, and I wanted to post a list of what I have to be thankful for - maybe tomorrow. I am going to print out your post to me, ss , keep it in a safe place, and ponder, OK?

J - I am trying to answer your question. I think I am entitled to live without fear, and it is to that end that I am going to put my efforts.

Christmas is a difficult time for a lot of people - I am grateful for a lot of things, even though times are difficult. I want to encourage everyone here that they are not alone. I am thankful for the kindness I have received from people here.

A hearfelt Christmas wish from me.

LIR

<small>[ December 25, 2003, 05:59 AM: Message edited by: Lady_In_Red ]</small>

Hi LIR,

I really don't have time to address much of your post right now. I probably should have started with yours, but I did not, so I will just say a few things and then it is time to read with the kids.

I know you will make mistakes - I also know I will make mistakes. God knows we will make mistakes - remember that he knows and provided a way out of them for us.

Right now yours are not serious. If you make any errors, then are honest mistakes. I don't believe you would do any thing purposely wrong right now. Honest mistakes are easily forgiven as we try for continued improvement. That's why I said you don't need a 2x4.

What I am looking for from you is honest effort, and you give that. Please don't say "well, I could do this or that better." Just make the changes as you see them. I know you could do better if you were perfect - but last I checkes, none of us can claim that. Hindsight is a wonderful teacher, and you are a good student. Please have faith in yourself - as do many of us here.

Now, there are still things that hurt you (that your H does) which are just things men often do differently than women. I wish I had time to go through them, but I can still see some of those things. Based on those things, I really do believe your H is sincere when he says he is sorry. I know it doesn't make you safe - but I do believe he cares for you and is sorry for the pain he causes even if he doesn't understand the depth of it or the damage he does. Perhaps you have done all you can do, and it is time for God to take up in your place. If that is so, he will, for he knows his job very well, and always does it as well as it can be done. You need to know that, I hope you do.

I try and encourage you, but I am not saying you need to stay. Perhaps H is not your enemy, but right now he does not always act like a friend. You do need to think about what is best - the best way to cope with what is happening. That can take many forms. I sense your fear of discussing your options. I sometimes don't understand the scope of your emotions. This is very real for you, and you are not making it up, and it is not a small thing. Your feelings are important - you are important - and please don't think I ever am trying to have you ignore those feelings and do things you can't do.

I do believe you have an exceptional mind, and that if you continue to think and pray about your future, you will know what to do.

Remember that God sometimes uses discipline, but he always does it out of love. He uses the least harsh methods that will still get the job done. If he is harsh, there is no other way. When you consider your options I know you will consider that.

Don't be afraid of your feelings. They are a protection to you, and help you keep boundaries for your safety.

I hope I don't give too many thoughts at one time.

Need to go, but I want you to have hope and have faith in your future. Words fail me - May God grant you the knowledge of what to do, because I know that if he does, you will not fail to do what is best.

SS

<small>[ December 27, 2003, 10:47 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Hi LIR,
I finally looked up something that I have been thinking about in connection with how your H does things sometimes.

Here is a quote from "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" that I believe has some bearing with what you deal with.

" When a martian gets upset he never talks about what is bothering him..........Instead he becomes quite and goes to his private cave to thihnk about his problem., mulling it over to find a solution. When he has found a solution he feels much better and he comes out of his cave. If he can't find a solution then he does something to fogret his problems, like reading the news, or playing a game. By disengaging his mind from the problems of his day, gradually he can relax. If his stress is really great it takes getting involved with something even more challenging, like racing his car, competing in a contest, or climbing a mountain.

He Becomes so focused on solving this one problem that he temporarily looses awareness of everything else. Other problems and responsibilities fade into the background. At such times he becomes increasinly distant, forgetful, unresponsive, and preoccupied in his relationships. For example, when having a conversation with him at home, it seems as if only 5 percent (SS note: 5 percent or perhaps much less, like ZERO percent) of his mind is available for the relationship while the other 95 percent is somewhere else. .......At such times he is incabable of giving the woman he loves the attention and feeling that she normally receives and certainly deserves. His mind is preoccupied and he is powerless to release it."


That's all the time I have tonight. There is much more. I don't know where (emotionally) you are right now, I don't know what has been happening in your life lately or how the holidays went, but I know this has been one of the things that has been an issue in the past.

That last statement you made to J had an air of finality to it.

I still believe help will come to your mind when you need it.

I seek words that won't come - I wish you good evening.

SS

<small>[ January 11, 2004, 12:00 AM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Hello, ss -

Its' Sunday and I have a few minutes of privacy here. It has been a busy holiday period for us, with lots going on, and I haven't been able to post, but I have been thinking a lot, and feel better about things.

First of all, ss, I want you to know that 1 John 4 has come up several times in our Mass readings on a daily basis since you wrote to me about it, which confirms for me that your instinct is correct about the direction in which my prayers should go. The other thing is that ever since that "low point" I wrote about, the depression that was penetrating into me, just suddenly lifted (I mean from that day on), and I haven't been bothered by it since. I have been tired, and sometimes frustrated, but not isolated in despair, like I was that night - it's strange isn't it? And I no longer think of H as my enemy. It is interesting what you say about the Mars/Venus issue. I think there is a lot of that kind of dynamic going on with us - and yes, you are probably right - is H is withdrawn, he is probably digesting a problem - but Venus wants to know what the problem is...is it her?..is it us?...is it another woman...?...is it anything she can help with?...Venus stands at the entrance to the cave, looking into the dark, wondering, with no answers, and when she asks, the bear growls at her! So she goes away and leaves him alone, until he comes out again. It can be lonely waiting out here. But yes, I think you are right to remind me of this dynamic. I need reminding.

Right now, our thoughts are concentrated on YS, who has something happening with him neurologically. I'm not sure what it is, but I think it could be Tourette's Syndrome. He has started shaking his head from side to side (like he's saying no), but it is involuntary - he can't control it. It's something he is able to suppress to a certain degree, and it disappears entirely when he is concentrating on a task in hand, such as playing the violin. YS has always had "tics" - like clearing his throat, sniffing, gulping, but nothing like this. It started on 19 Dec, the morning after I gave him a teaspoon of Sudafed for a really bad streaming cold he had on the 18th of Dec. I think he had a reaction to the ephedrine - that it may have triggered something in him (I have been reading all the Tourettes websites, and on one of them, it said ephedrine should never be given to children with Tourettes). Of course, my GP thinks that has nothing to do with it - she has referred him to see a pediatrician here, but she thinks this will all calm down and blow over, and its true that even with Tourettes, the tics wax and then wane, which is what has happened to YS with all his other tics.

So what I am going to do is this - I'm going to the US mid-Feb to see my mom for a week. I'm taking YS with me, and while there, my dad is fixing up an appointment for YS to be seen by Rebecca Hanson at UCLA. She is apparently an expert in Tourettes and past President of the California Association of Neurologists, and a leading pediatric neurologist. We will see her for a 45 minute diagnostic evaluation. I know that I won't be able to continue treatment with her, but I am thinking that I can take her evaluation back to England with me, and use it as a baseline for whatever treatment might be recommended to us here. If we feel its necessary, we will seek private treatment for YS here.

This throws into question YS's involvement in the choir and going to boarding school in Sept. But I still have to tackle that - its a question of what is wrong with him, how bad it is and what is best for YS. YS, even with this latest tic, is a very bright, intelligent and capable boy - certainly capable of singing and making music - it may actually be better for YS to go ahead with being in the choir, even if he has Tourettes, just to prove to himself that he can do anything he wants to, Tourettes doesn't have to stop him. If that turned out to be the plan, I would have to make sure that I see him every day at Choir House, in the afternoons, to be able to see how his day went and give him the love and reassurance he might need on a daily basis. I do feel that all the parties at Choir House would be sensitive to him - they know him already and like him very much. He has friends amongst the other boys already and amongst all the adults in charge. The other boys already accept him as one of them. He has been bullied at his present school already, and I suspect he would be bullied less if he were to go into Choir House. What I don't want is for YS to feel a sense of failure or defeat. To be denied entry into the choir might be a terrible blow to his self-confidence. In my reading, I have learned that there are even surgeons with full-blown Tourettes, which seems nothng short of miraculous.

So that's quite a "big thing" to deal with right now. H and I seem to be handling it reasonably well together, although yesterday, I nearly gave way to screaming alone in my room temporarily. I told H about the appointment my Dad is setting up and he asked how much it would cost - it will cost $350.00 - about £200.00. Yes, that's a lot for a doctor's appointment - but she is the best, and to me, the question is relative - this is not a 10 minute chat with a GP, and we are talking about our son's brain here - I have this money already in a savings account - in fact, we both have a lot more than that in joint savings. But H thinks its too much and we "shouldn't have to" pay for this (this is idealogical with H - like most English people, he believes health care should be free - it makes him angry to have to pay for something he thinks he's entitled to). H and I have had many discussions about paying for health care before - in an ideal world, the best health care would be available to everyone at a reasonable cost, but we don't live in an ideal world. Right NOW, my son needs help, and if the best is available to me and I HAVE the money, I am going to make sure that YS gets access to the best. I am not going to quibble with principles. Well, the upshot of it was I told H my dad had said not to worry about the cost (which is true - my dad said for me not to worry about it, we would see that it gets paid for somehow, we just want him looked at by the best person we can get). But I had told my dad I had the money and would pay for it (which is true, I do have the money and can pay for it and my dad is on a pension - I don't want him absorbing the cost of this although I know he would do it for love). H said as long as my dad was paying for it, but he thought it was too expensive if it was coming out of "our" funds. I bit my tongue and went upstairs, which was when I felt like screaming to myself. I mean - how much is your own son worth, I wanted to scream at him. If its the last penny you had, you should be willing to pay it for his medical care!!!! And this is not the last penny we have - H could make £200.00 in a night, playing one concert. I can't tell you how disappointed this made me feel in H. He comes off looking cheap and miserly, even where his own son is concerned - and this lowers his esteem in my eyes more than any other thing he could do. That's what I wanted to say to him.

But to be fair to H - he came upstairs after me and explained that we could seek a private consultation with a neurologist here - he didn't see why he had to go to the US and pay their costs to get good treatment. He also wanted to be sure that YS was safe to travel, and we hadn't yet had an appointment with the pediatrician here. YS doesn't seem to be in any immediate danger, so we need to cope with the medical system here (which often involves lengthy delays) as best we can. I said that I agreed with him, but that since I am going to see my mom anyway, and she wants to see the boys (the plan had been to take one boy with me anyway), it seemed sensible to take YS with me and if he had a chance to see the best doctor available while he was there, why shouldn't I? He said if that was what Grandpa wanted, then it was fine with him, as long as Grandpa paid for it. I am sure that H would pay for private treatment for YS, if it was in the UK, and also, I am sure that H's family (who are well-off) would pay for private treatment for YS, if they were aware that that was needed.

Well - he can think that if he wants, but I will pay for this without him knowing. Tough. We differ. I have a right to make this decision. Again, H doesn't put all his money "on the table", so he doesn't have a say in how I choose to spend my money. And my father is not well-off, he can't afford to pay for this, really, so I don't want my father to have to absorb the cost of something I have the money for. My father has the connections to know who the best people are, but he is financially very "poor". I am not just thinking about YS - I am also thinking about my father.

Otherwise, H and I have been getting along well. H gave me a book for Christmas that showed he is sensitive to my spiritual life, and he also gave me a digital camera, so that I can send pictures back to my family over the internet. I think he has been sensitive to my needs in both these ways - that helps me see that he does love me, and helps me get through challenges like the above problem.

I think the depression I had been feeling is partly a backlash from H's "affairs" - I have seen that reaction in many posts here - the confidence in the relationship destroyed, the anger, the confidence in oneself dented badly. Its something I have to work through and maybe it goes in cycles, I don't know. I still think counselling might be helpful in some respects.

Well - I have to go now - time to get ready for church. OS goes back to boarding school today, so I have to get all his stuff ready. Today is YS 8th birthday, and yesterday we had his party - we took 5 of his friends to see Peter Pan at the movies, then came back for lunch and birthday cake. Lots of cleaning up to do.
Wet and windy here - haven't been out to my garden in at least 6 weeks, but I can feel the days getting longer now - I have the New Year to look forward to, and things feel positive.

I'm wishing you all the best for a better 2004, ss, and thank you again for your support. You have helped me a great deal.

LIR

(I just re-read this post, and although it feels like it took me ages to write, it seems so short. I also come across as much less emotional than I really feel - but I think that's the internet for you. Words don't always come easily to me, in an emotional way, so I hope that helps.)

<small>[ January 11, 2004, 03:44 AM: Message edited by: Lady_In_Red ]</small>

I had heard that omega 3 fish oil (make sure it is a pure grade without mercury, PCB's and other contaminants ) is good for Tourette Syndrome. You can do your own search on the subject. I did a quick search and here is something that I found on medscape. It can't hurt to try it with your YS.

Article from Medscape:

Fish Oil for Tourette Syndrome[3]
Along with autoimmune inflammatory dysregulation, serotonin dysfunction has been connected with Tourette syndrome (TS). According to the investigators, "fish-oil appears to act through both pro-serotonergic and anti-inflammatory effects. There are some children who have benefited from treatments of fish-oil." This study was done to evaluate the efficacy and safety of omega-3 fatty acids/fish oil in TS.

A 20-week, double-blind, placebo-controlled study was done using 40 children and adolescents. Subjects were between the ages of 6 and 17 years and met full DSM-IV criteria for a chronic motor tic disorder or TS. The study used a randomized, parallel-group and a flexible-dose titration design for administration of the omega-3 fatty acids.

This study is still in progress, but the primary outcome measures are reduction in tic symptoms and reduction of obsessive-compulsive disorder symptoms. While this study has not yet been completed, the authors feel it is important to present preliminary findings due to the limitations of approved medications for TS in efficacy and associated adverse effects. "Development of alternative approaches is highly important."

Thank you so much 4give!

That's great! I will definitely try it!

The funny thing is, that H used to give both boys a daily teaspoon of malt with cod liver oil - yuuchhh! But all 3 of them love it! He stopped about a couple of years ago, but recently started again for himself, for his joints, and says he feels miles better.

Tourettes is thought to be inherited, and as far as I know, there is nothing like this in my family. My H, however, says that he used to do things when he was a child, like twisting his neck and grimacing with his mouth in a certain way, which he eventually grew out of. H often taps his fingers on the table - playing the piano without a piano, and H talks to himself when he is alone in a room, and says he has ever since he was a little boy. On one of the Tourettes message boards, one poster was discussing talking to herself, since her children do it, and they have Tourettes - maybe my H is mildly Tourettish. Also, Tourettes people are often musically gifted, and that is markedly so in my H and our sons.

Also, I know that the long chain fatty nucleic acids are part of the advantage of breastfeeding - its one of the things especially good for a baby's brain development - and you can only get those nucleic acids in fish oils as a replacement. I didn't breastfeed YS, because I couldn't, but I did OS, and he doesn't have these problems. As far as I know, H was not breast-fed either. Interesting.

I am going to start him back on the malt and cod-liver oil spoonfuls tomorrow and see what happens. Thank you so much!

LIR

Make sure that the cod liver oil is pure and doesn't contain any mercury and other heavy metals. (isn't the liver what has to deal with/clean lots of toxins in the body?) Raising mercury levels is detrimental to health. A better choice may be to look into a high grade brand of fish oil from other sources providing the right proportions of both EPA and DHA.

I do hope this helps him.

I breast fed all three of mine. I take fish oil myself...it's supposed to be good for lots of things....heart, brain, cholesterol, hormones...I wish I would have known to give my kids it when they were young. My family doesn't get enough fresh cold water fish in our diets (we live in Florida).

LIR, I admit I still worry about you.
That is meant in the positive sense, not the negative.

First of all, ss, I want you to know that 1 John 4 has come up several times in our Mass readings on a daily basis since you wrote to me about it, which confirms for me that your instinct is correct about the direction in which my prayers should go.

It is so hard sometimes to get things across in words. I want you to realize a few things about my prompting you with this scripture.
First, I am trying to encourage, not call you to repentance. If I had the time I would expand on this, and use other words - perhaps softer words. It's all about our hope in Christ - our faith is not in vain. This earth, and the trials we endure here are temporary. Fear is temporary, and is a by-product of the state of our limited faith.

Second, As your faith increases, your fear with decrease. There are other factors too, but since God is real, this has to be true. I am so happy you study regularly, this helps so much. I want you to see what I have seen, and know what I know. When I say this, I am not trying to raise me up, but God IS real, and I want you to have the same answers to prayer that I have gotten- again, I wish I had the words. This world we live in is very temporary. It is a type of things to come, but a very imperfect type or model. It is the preparation we get that counts the most, not many of the things that people find important. It is your family, your H, your children. Your mother, your father, your sisters and brothers. Your friends, those that you help, those that help you. I believe you understand, not sure why I keep on about it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />


The other thing is that ever since that "low point" I wrote about, the depression that was penetrating into me, just suddenly lifted (I mean from that day on), and I haven't been bothered by it since. I have been tired, and sometimes frustrated, but not isolated in despair, like I was that night - it's strange isn't it?

It's not strange - someone wants to destroy you - all of us. There are many tools of destruction. He gets at us through our loved ones (such as your H) or through our own weaknesses, or if that doesn't work, directly with that feeling you describe. It is almost impossible to fight. It often comes when we are at our lowest from other problems. Music is a good tool to use, but prayer is the best I have found - and going ahead and doing well anyway seems to help a great deal. I am so glad it lifted for you, I was praying that you might see relief, and I am glad you have found it. What a blessing.

- is H is withdrawn, he is probably digesting a problem - but Venus wants to know what the problem is...is it her?..is it us?...is it another woman...?...is it anything she can help with?...Venus stands at the entrance to the cave, looking into the dark, wondering, with no answers, and when she asks, the bear growls at her! So she goes away and leaves him alone, until he comes out again. It can be lonely waiting out here. But yes, I think you are right to remind me of this dynamic. I need reminding.

After time goes by, it is hard to know just where you are. The Mars/Venus things was on my mind - we do it too. Here is the Venus part that I didn't have time to post before.

"On Venus, sharing your problems with another actually is considered a sign of love and trust, not a burden. Venusians are not ashamed of having problems. Their egos are dependent not on looking "competent" but rather on being in loving relationships. They openly share feelings of being overwhelmed, confused, hopeless, and exhausted.

A venusian feels good about herself when she has loving friends with whom to share her feelings and problems. A Martian feels good when he can solve his problems in his own cave. These secrets of feeling good are still applicable today. ............................

Women generally do not understand how Martians compete with stress. They expect men to open up and talk about all their problems the way Venusians do. When man is stuck in his cave, a woman resents his not being more open. She feels hurt when he turns on the news, or goes outside to play basketball (ss note: or goes to the computer and doesn't tell her what he is doing.) and ignores her.

To expect a man who is in his cave to become open, responsive, and loving is unrealistric............When Martians go into their caves they tend to forget that their friends may be having problems too. An instinct takes over that says before you can take care of anyone else, you must first take care of yourself. When a woman sees a man react this way, she generally resists it, and resents the man. She may ask for his support in a demanding tone, as if she has to fight for her rights with this uncaring man. By remembering that men are from Mars, a women can correctly interpret his reaction to stress as his coping mechanism rather than an expression of how he feels about her. "


I believe you understand the above, but I need to hear it over and over. When I am hurt it is hard to remember. Here is another part that may help.

How men react when women need to talk.

" When women talk about problems, men usually resist. A man assumes she is talking to him about her problems because she is holding him responsible. The more problems, the more he feels blamed. He does not realize she is talking to feel better. A man doesn't know that she will feel better if he just listens.

Martians talk about problems for only two reasons: They are blaming someone, or they are seeking advice. If a women is really upset a man assumes she is blaming him. If she seems less upset, he assumes she is asking for advice. If he assumes she is asking for advice, he puts on his MR. Fix-it hat to solve her problems. If he assumes she is blaming him, then he draws his sword to protect himself from attack. IN BOTH CASES, HE FINDS IT DIFFICULT TO LISTEN."

I believe we have seen this one - he draws his sword and defends himself from an attack that isn't real - and boy does he do damage to innocent people. After thinking about it for about a year now, I think this is what happened with him and counseling. Wanting to talk to him about things was seen by him as blaming him for everything - and he fought.

Now, there are real problems, and even if a behavior is defined, that doesn't make it go away. I do think that understanding helps dissipate fear. It also gives tools to fix or remove the problem.

It sounds like you have a full plate still.
Right now, our thoughts are concentrated on YS, who has something happening with him neurologically. I'm not sure what it is, but I think it could be Tourette's Syndrome.

I am so glad you have many options for him, and that you are so caring and kind. I agree with you about spending the money should not be an issue. I agree that until you have an agreement to practice POJA in place, you need to take care of things like this. I believe this is the same as the mobile phone discussion you and I once had. Men think about things differently. I believe you know H cares, but it is hard to reconcile that in your mind with this man that quibbles about a few hundred £'s. Since I have been there in his place, I think he honestly believes that it won't make any difference if he sees Rebecca Hanson or someone else. His national pride may even have him think that she may not be as good as someone local- and he may honestly believe this. I vote that this one is one of those differences in the way he thinks and the way you think.

Lets say there was thought to be a major crisis in your town, and the town spends £500,000 before it is discovered that it was something simple, that there is no danger, and the supposed crisis is over.
I believe most women would say: " thank the Lord that it wasn't serious and we are so thankful that no one was hurt" and I believe most men would say: "It's too bad we didn't catch this before we spent all that money on it."
If not most, then many would think that, even if they didn't say it.

I wish he would begin to help you on these things - I wish he would read some material and DO SOMETHING. That would really give you some good solid hope. When I ask my W how I am doing, she says there is hope for me, and I say "really," and she says " really, I think in a few thousand years, we might make something out of you." We men are sooooo slow to get things sometimes. (some of us, I realize there are many of you out there that are as sharp as tacks, not sharp as a beach ball like me.)

You also deal with other issues that I cannot excuse. Anger, always having to be right - and I don't want you to get the idea that I agree with him, I am just trying to say that he is like many of us in how he does things, and so you can probably study and read up on some of these things and better now how to approach it or get around it. What bothers me is that he ought to do something too, but he is not.

I applaud you for the help you give your son(s). I have no suggestions on what YS needs most, but believe that he probably has what he needs most of all, and that is your care and concern. I think you will make more difference than all the treatment in the world.

Well - he can think that if he wants, but I will pay for this without him knowing. Tough. We differ.

I know this was not meant to be funny but you made me laugh. I think someone once said "Heaven help me if I ever get between a determined mother and the care of one of her children."
I thought of that when I read your comments. I agree with your solution - but I am still smiling.

I pray for your children right along with your H and you. I am very thankful that their mother loves them.

I'm wishing you all the best for a better 2004, ss, and thank you again for your support. You have helped me a great deal.

I think you don't realize how many you have helped. I thank you also.

(I just re-read this post, and although it feels like it took me ages to write, it seems so short. I also come across as much less emotional than I really feel - but I think that's the internet for you. Words don't always come easily to me, in an emotional way, so I hope that helps.)

I don't think English (or any other spoken) is our native tongue. No, words don't do it nearly well enough.

God be with you in your travels. I hope your mother is as well as she can be for what is happening in her life.

SS

Hello again -

Thank you so much for the last post, ss - I'm sorry it has taken me so long to come back. I think what happens at this point is that I need time to process what is offered to me - I go away and digest it, and "think on these things" while living my life (which is very hectic right now) - I don't have a lot of time to reflect, or to spend on the computer - please know that I listen, and appreciate all the effort that goes into posting to me.

I am doing very well now - I should say that I think that things are going very well with H - it is slowly dawning on me that we are back to being a team, and being co-parents, and having a happy family life again - it takes time to absorb these things. Yes, I haven't forgotten H's explosion - and I am watching for signs of him being aggressive, but that just isn't there right now. I am wondering if that last "falling off the wagon" taught him something, something about himself and how awful he can be when he loses control of himself.

What seems to be the most important thing for me right now is that I FEEL so much better - ever since that low point, I have not been plagued with depression or negative thoughts, or deep-seated resentment against my H - its like a huge cloud has lifted off me. And I don't think its just the weather either - even though the days are getting longer, since its January, the days here have been unremittingly dark grey - cloudy and rainy almost continuously - today is a bright morning - the first in a week - so I don't think I'm feeling better just because the SAD is lifting - in fact, a lot of people with SAD feel their worst in Jan and Feb.

No, its something different. I feel positive about life again, for the first time in at least two years. I feel like I can cope with life again. I feel like my life is on the right track again. I feel like I can think straight, at least most of the time.

H and I have started a diet together for the first time - every other time I tried a diet, he would "sabotage" me by bringing home special cream cakes or ice cream and teasing me with them. He said it was because he knew that since I was on a diet, I wasn't allowed to eat them, so he could have them all to himself. This time, he has gone on the diet with me, enthusiastically, and we are supporting each other. I can't tell you how great it feels to both feel supported, and to be able to support him in something we both want - this is a first. It also feels more natural to make time for each other, to go out together - we have been out a couple of times, and are going out one evening next week. It just feels like we want to have fun together again.

That doesn't mean I still don't have a lot to think about with family - I do - I am very focused on YS right now, who is doing just fine, BTW - head-shaking has calmed down a lot, but he needs rest - plans are all going ahead for our trip to the States 14-23 Feb. I am SOOO looking forward to seeing my family!!!! My mom is doing fine - thank you so much for asking and for your prayers for her. She is a sweet, kind, steadily patient little lady - she is finding out what medication works best for her, so we know more about how to deal with her illness. She is responding very well to treatment, so that is a big relief. My friend in France is in the throes of immunotherapy for cancer - I am staying in touch with him, and getting old friends in California to contact him to lift his spirits - he is also doing well.

Not being depressed and anxious makes it much easier to handle all of these things.

I think what I have been thinking is that, although this period in our lives has been extraordinarily painful, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, it is not just a challenge for my H to grow, or for our marriage, but for me, as well. In the last few weeks, I have been "processing" my own response, and sort of internally trying to come to terms with what it means for me. I'm not good at articulating my thoughts here, but it seems to me that we are all called upon to find the heroic and the noblest part of ourself when we are thrown into the fire. Are we going to burn ourselves up with the fire of our own resentment and anger, or are we going to find courage, grace and charity within ourselves, despite facing selfishness and injustice. I don't want to be a person haunted by jealousy, suspicion and inner hatred. I want to be the best person I can be. I haven't felt heroic, or anything close to it - I have felt terribly fearful, anxious and sad. But I was sitting in church a couple of weeks ago, and something reminded me of all the times when I found courage within myself - when I confronted "buddy", when I confronted H (many times), when I kept my cool in the face of H's explosions, when I tried to protect my children, when I had the courage to stay, when I had the courage to sit tight and listen to him say the things I dreaded hearing "I don't love you any more, I am only staying because I don't want to cause upheaval to the children, I have lost the thread of us, my feelings for you have withered, I just want to be friends" - all those times when he said those "fog" things and I had the courage to sit tight and listen and not break down, but say some of the things I needed to say, like "I don't want to be just friends, I am your wife and I can never be anything but your wife, unless this this marriage is annulled. You are the one person in the world I cannot be "just friends" with. With me it is all or nothing." I was shaking in my boots when those moments came, but I went forward. I haven't always been dignified, and I didn't do everything "right" - I still don't feel ten feet tall.

BUT - that sick-making fear is gone. I feel right now that I can handle whatever comes. I think our marriage has survived, and we have a chance at a good future together. I now know that I can take nothing for granted, and even as I say this, I hold that in my mind. This recovery business is very slow!!!

Well, I have to go - it is OS birthday today, and I now have a long day of busy preparation ahead of me. So - onwards and upwards!!!!

And ss - I am so glad you reminded me of the Mars and Venus thing yet again - for us, it is VERY appropriate!!! Do you have radar or something? The skies must be very clear in AZ, as you pick up signals very well!! I hope all is well with you, and that your wife and you are both back to good health.

Take care,
LIR

Hello again -

Hi LIR, it's always good to hear from you. Hello again indeed - You make me smile.

Thank you so much for the last post, ss - I'm sorry it has taken me so long to come back. I think what happens at this point is that I need time to process what is offered to me - I go away and digest it, and "think on these things" while living my life (which is very hectic right now) - I don't have a lot of time to reflect, or to spend on the computer - please know that I listen, and appreciate all the effort that goes into posting to me.

Remember it's your thread, and that you should only come when it helps you. If it causes stress or takes you away from something else that is important to your family, then I vote for you to take care of the family. Just so you know I read your posts and think for a day or two before I post back. It helps to mull it over for a while before I respond.

I do hope you get enough rest, and that you will have time to think - to reflect. I believe you need that time, and I also believe that it helps you and is something you ought to take time for. I realize that we are in the middle of "real life" but I hope you can make that work for you.

I am doing very well now - I should say that I think that things are going very well with H - it is slowly dawning on me that we are back to being a team, and being co-parents, and having a happy family life again - it takes time to absorb these things. Yes, I haven't forgotten H's explosion - and I am watching for signs of him being aggressive, but that just isn't there right now. I am wondering if that last "falling off the wagon" taught him something, something about himself and how awful he can be when he loses control of himself.

If he is wise, he will see how much it hurt you, and if he loves you (which I believe he does, and I even think you believe it, ) he will try to do better. I suspect he will fall of the wagon again before his life is over. I have myself many times, but at one time I had to be put back on the wagon kicking and screaming, and now I look around, and climb back on as quickly as I can.

I am so happy you are doing better. Life is hard enough with a loving partner, but it is he$$ by our selves with our partner fighting us too. That happy family life does wonders for the emotional health of children too, and I would expect that it will show before 2004 is out if it has not by now.


What seems to be the most important thing for me right now is that I FEEL so much better - ever since that low point, I have not been plagued with depression or negative thoughts, or deep-seated resentment against my H - its like a huge cloud has lifted off me. And I don't think its just the weather either - even though the days are getting longer, since its January, the days here have been unremittingly dark grey - cloudy and rainy almost continuously - today is a bright morning - the first in a week - so I don't think I'm feeling better just because the SAD is lifting - in fact, a lot of people with SAD feel their worst in Jan and Feb.

I do not have personal experience with physical depression, that is, depression caused by some kind of problem with the body. I do have experience with spiritual depression - that comes from either knowing you are not living right, or by our enemy directing his will to destroy us. This latter is just as real as anything I have experienced in life, and it can last a long time. I don't know if he gives up because we continue to do well anyway, despite his pressure, or if God gives us a rest and commands that it stop. I am very happy that you are doing better. I admit my prayers for you have kind of slacked off since your good news. I was so worried that the good you had done for your marriage would come un-done and things would fall apart again.

No, its something different. I feel positive about life again, for the first time in at least two years. I feel like I can cope with life again. I feel like my life is on the right track again. I feel like I can think straight, at least most of the time.

You are free again. Sometimes I can't come up with the words to express my feelings. I am so happy - but it's a quiet happy, a calm happy. I am so glad and so relieved.

H and I have started a diet together for the first time - every other time I tried a diet, he would "sabotage" me by bringing home special cream cakes or ice cream and teasing me with them. He said it was because he knew that since I was on a diet, I wasn't allowed to eat them, so he could have them all to himself. This time, he has gone on the diet with me, enthusiastically, and we are supporting each other. I can't tell you how great it feels to both feel supported, and to be able to support him in something we both want - this is a first. It also feels more natural to make time for each other, to go out together - we have been out a couple of times, and are going out one evening next week. It just feels like we want to have fun together again.

I want you to understand that the four rules of a successful marriage (from this site) do work. We have a hard time with the 15 hours just as you do, (and will) but the more time you spend, the better it gets - to a point. And telephone time, and email help - and they will get H to feel closer to you, just as it made him feel close to OW. If you can do it without him thinking it is forced, it will help both of you. I tend to think he will return it to you if you do it for him. I worry that you still spend much more energy working on your M than he does, and that when you have a down time, that will be on your mind, but I am very happy that you are feeling good about things now. About the diet, I seem to remember that in about Sept. of 2002 you were feeling good about how you looked. Do you have a confession to make? Ho, ho, just teasing. Honest, I meant nothing by it. Go ahead, you can laugh - really. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />


That doesn't mean I still don't have a lot to think about with family - I do - I am very focused on YS right now, who is doing just fine, BTW - head-shaking has calmed down a lot, but he needs rest - plans are all going ahead for our trip to the States 14-23 Feb. I am SOOO looking forward to seeing my family!!!!

We actually live just inside the Utah Border towards Zion park if you were going north from Las Vegas. If your family ever gets up this way, W and I will take you out for lunch, or have you home and treat you to dinner or something. Just introduce us to H as old friends. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> This invitation is real, BTW, I am not just teasing. If you ever wanted suggestions for the North Rim of the Grand Canyon, or to Zion park we could help with that.

I am glad you are going to see your family. I think this goal has helped you the last few months by giving you something to look foreword to. I wonder if you are still working on a book, or if that is on the back burner now? I hope my memory serves me correctly, I have misspoken a time of two when I remembered things. For some reason I never worried much about YS. I don't know if it's because I am a guy, or if I just had faith that things would be fine. I still pray for all of you though, and I trust that you will get the help you need.

My mom is doing fine - thank you so much for asking and for your prayers for her. She is a sweet, kind, steadily patient little lady - she is finding out what medication works best for her, so we know more about how to deal with her illness. She is responding very well to treatment, so that is a big relief. My friend in France is in the throes of immunotherapy for cancer - I am staying in touch with him, and getting old friends in California to contact him to lift his spirits - he is also doing well.

I still worry about your Mom. You will miss her no matter how well you prepare. I pray that you will get help with that, and trust you will, but it will be a difficult thing. I try not to worry - honest I do. I would guess that if your sister is anything like you, she helps your Mom a great deal. I am glad she is responding well to treatment. More time on earth for her, would be good for you. Sorry for your friend in France. Some parts of life seem so tough.

Not being depressed and anxious makes it much easier to handle all of these things.

Yes, and having a H that loves you doesn't hurt at all. What a big relief. What a happy thing to read.

I think what I have been thinking is that, although this period in our lives has been extraordinarily painful, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, it is not just a challenge for my H to grow, or for our marriage, but for me, as well. In the last few weeks, I have been "processing" my own response, and sort of internally trying to come to terms with what it means for me. I'm not good at articulating my thoughts here, but it seems to me that we are all called upon to find the heroic and the noblest part of ourself when we are thrown into the fire. Are we going to burn ourselves up with the fire of our own resentment and anger, or are we going to find courage, grace and charity within ourselves, despite facing selfishness and injustice. I don't want to be a person haunted by jealousy, suspicion and inner hatred. I want to be the best person I can be. I haven't felt heroic, or anything close to it - I have felt terribly fearful, anxious and sad. But I was sitting in church a couple of weeks ago, and something reminded me of all the times when I found courage within myself - when I confronted "buddy", when I confronted H (many times), when I kept my cool in the face of H's explosions, when I tried to protect my children, when I had the courage to stay, when I had the courage to sit tight and listen to him say the things I dreaded hearing "I don't love you any more, I am only staying because I don't want to cause upheaval to the children, I have lost the thread of us, my feelings for you have withered, I just want to be friends" - all those times when he said those "fog" things and I had the courage to sit tight and listen and not break down, but say some of the things I needed to say, like "I don't want to be just friends, I am your wife and I can never be anything but your wife, unless this marriage is annulled. You are the one person in the world I cannot be "just friends" with. With me it is all or nothing." I was shaking in my boots when those moments came, but I went forward. I haven't always been dignified, and I didn't do everything "right" - I still don't feel ten feet tall.

BUT - that sick-making fear is gone. I feel right now that I can handle whatever comes. I think our marriage has survived, and we have a chance at a good future together. I now know that I can take nothing for granted, and even as I say this, I hold that in my mind. This recovery business is very slow!!!

A person with courage is not someone that does not fear. It is one that does what is needed despite their fear. You have great courage, as shown by your actions. You have passed through the fire, and lived as did three of the children of Israel in one of the more famous Old Testament stories. You will have other fires, and I believe you will pass through them also. You are right that we can take nothing for granted. You will be blind sided at times, for the enemy is very good at what he does, but I believe you will do well. I hope you have learned to have faith in your Heavenly Father. I hope you know from whence your help has come, and that you give Him credit. Remember that his help is constant, and his promises sure. He will not fail you nor forsake you. Though there may be times when you cannot see his help, he will always be near and help will come when you need it if you continue to seek his face with all your heart.

Well, I have to go - it is OS birthday today, and I now have a long day of busy preparation ahead of me. So - onwards and upwards!!!!

I hope the birthday went very well. I hope OS has been around enough with things going well to know that his family is OK. LIR, it is just so good to see you happy.

And ss - I am so glad you reminded me of the Mars and Venus thing yet again - for us, it is VERY appropriate!!! Do you have radar or something? The skies must be very clear in AZ, as you pick up signals very well!! I hope all is well with you, and that your wife and you are both back to good health.

I don't always know, I just do what I think I ought to do, and hope it helps. We are in good health, but I think W has some of your (former) depression problems. We are working on it, and we are in love, so life is mostly good. I have my share of the refiners fire though, so don't think every one else lives on easy street. ( that is both serious, and teasing at the same time, you probably know what I mean.)

I thought for a while, and wondered if I had any great worries about you today, but I do not. Words of wisdom? I don't know if you need any these days, or If I have any to give if you did need some. Perhaps I'll just leave you with this:

Luke 21:36

SS

<small>[ January 27, 2004, 03:21 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Dear ss -

Just a quick note to let you know that I have read your post. So good to hear from you!

I am doing just fine. Thank you so much for your encouraging words. For saying that a person is courageous when they go ahead and do something even when they feel fearful. I needed to hear that.

I do give God the credit for keeping me going and for standing by me. I know that things could have been, and would have been a lot worse, had I not believed that there was someone I could turn to. God works through others, as well, and one of the ways that God helped me was by bringing me to MB. I am sure of that.

As to the diet - well, you know the Infidelity Stress Diet works wonders, and Sep 2002 was at the end of 6 months of that - I had lost 20 lbs in record time - but keeping it off for good is the big challenge, isn't it? And there have been 2 Christmas' since then!! Thankfully, its only 10 lbs that has got to go - those are the ones you take for granted but are the slowest to lose. I'm doing fine, though! So is H - he's sticking with it.

I thought tonight was going to be a night out for us, but the school has just called me and OS is sick - he will have to come home to us this afternoon and stay home until he is better. I will love having him home. I think he does feel that things are much better at home now.

We had snow last night! Not much, but enough to make it look picture post-card perfect. Supposedly more to come tonight. Slippery pavements and roads, though. When it snows, then thaws, then freezes again, its dangerous because there is a lot of ice around.

If there is any way I can help with your wife's depression, I will - I will try to think of some of the things that I think have helped me the most. I know how difficult it can be - having a caring spouse makes a huge difference, even if the depressed person isn't always able to say thank you in the way that you would like or need. Bringing a cup of tea in the morning to help her get out of bed, making breakfast - all these things are very difficult to do - you feel like you are moving through mud when you need to do something. I have been taking a spoonful of Essental Fatty Acid oils every morning, and I really think that is helping my brain a LOT. It tastes ghastly, but the benefits are worth it. I drown the taste with a half teaspoon of honey afterwards.

And I just remembered - you are a John Gray fan - his latest book is "The Mars and Venus Diet and Exercise Solution". I am still reading this, so I can't tell you ALL about it. But, this is not a diet book, or an exercise book. It is a solution book. A solution book to the problem of the different brain chemistry between men and women - and the very real problem that a Martian and a Venusian living in the same house together need different diets in order to feed their different brains, so that their brains make the right hormones that keep them feeling happy. If your wife is depressed, I think it would be very helpful if you looked over this book to see if there is something in there that you think might be helpful to her - and you. I got the idea for taking the essential oils every morning from him, and drinking lemon juice first thing, followed by a small teaspoon of honey to give the brain glucose to help it wake up - and then there's the "bounce and shake"! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> You'll have to read the book to find out what that means! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> And then there was the little section called "Driving to the Bridges of Madison County". That was funny - my sister and I had a great laugh over that one. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Ciao for now!
LIR

<small>[ January 28, 2004, 05:43 AM: Message edited by: Lady_In_Red ]</small>

Hi LIR
I intended on getting back before the weekend, but sometimes I am slow.

I am doing just fine. Thank you so much for your encouraging words. For saying that a person is courageous when they go ahead and do something even when they feel fearful. I needed to hear that.

It's easy to tell the truth - and the truth is often just what is needed. Remember that you did the work, I just reported what happened. I think you and God get all the credit for this one.

I do give God the credit for keeping me going and for standing by me. I know that things could have been, and would have been a lot worse, had I not believed that there was someone I could turn to. God works through others, as well, and one of the ways that God helped me was by bringing me to MB. I am sure of that.

I still remember a quote I heard once in a meeting - probably over 25 years ago. "God answers prayers, but it is usually through others that he meets our needs." I think the challenge for us is to be one of those "others."

As to the diet - well, you know the Infidelity Stress Diet works wonders, and Sep 2002 was at the end of 6 months of that - I had lost 20 lbs in record time - but keeping it off for good is the big challenge, isn't it?
YES !!!
and I'm working on it! Slow, but working.

And there have been 2 Christmas' since then!! Thankfully, its only 10 lbs that has got to go - those are the ones you take for granted but are the slowest to lose. I'm doing fine, though! So is H - he's sticking with it.

W and I did weight watchers for a year or so, she would go, and I would do what she said. Lost about 30, and Christmas parties are the worst - or is it Thanksgiving? Maybe it is November through New years?

To quote Shakespeare (who must have had the same problem) "Out, Out, dammed fat!." Or was that "spot"? I wasn't an English Lit major, so I may get some of them mixed up.

I thought tonight was going to be a night out for us, but the school has just called me and OS is sick - he will have to come home to us this afternoon and stay home until he is better. I will love having him home. I think he does feel that things are much better at home now.

That last sentence makes me feel really good. Kids know, and if he feels things are better, then they must be better. I suspect it will show up in his every day life.

We had snow last night! Not much, but enough to make it look picture post-card perfect. Supposedly more to come tonight. Slippery pavements and roads, though. When it snows, then thaws, then freezes again, its dangerous because there is a lot of ice around.

Last Thursday we had 55 deg, and we have hit 60 in Jan before. I love to visit snow, but I like living in the sun. Oh, it freezes at night, and we have frost on the windows in the morning, but the afternoons are usually nice. Don't ask me about summers though, they are a tad warm.

If there is any way I can help with your wife's depression, I will - I will try to think of some of the things that I think have helped me the most. I know how difficult it can be - having a caring spouse makes a huge difference, even if the depressed person isn't always able to say thank you in the way that you would like or need. Bringing a cup of tea in the morning to help her get out of bed, making breakfast - all these things are very difficult to do - you feel like you are moving through mud when you need to do something. I have been taking a spoonful of Essental Fatty Acid oils every morning, and I really think that is helping my brain a LOT. It tastes ghastly, but the benefits are worth it. I drown the taste with a half teaspoon of honey afterwards.

"Oh a spoon full of sugar makes the medicine go down, the medicine go doooownnnnn....."
Sorry, got a bit carried away. I am in a kind of mood tonight - can you tell?

(SS gets serious, tries to hold a straight face - then thinks of W and her troubles, and it kind of sobers him.)

I'll have her read your last post, and talk to her about this more. Tonight she is far away, and doesn't want to talk, or - pretty much anything. This is not fun for her, or for me. When I am able I let her sleep late, fix breakfast, take the twins to school, and then clean the kitchen and go to work, but sometimes I cannot take the time. Most days I take the twins to school at the least. It is very frustrating to see a person that has always been so full of life and purpose have a difficult time. Perhaps I can even get her to talk to you - wish she would.

And I just remembered - you are a John Gray fan -
Well, the truth is, I found "Mars and Venus" at a thrift store for $3.00, so I bought it. It does have some very good information it it, and I learned a lot - but no magic, you still have to do the work.

his latest book is "The Mars and Venus Diet and Exercise Solution". I am still reading this, so I can't tell you ALL about it. But, this is not a diet book, or an exercise book. It is a solution book. A solution book to the problem of the different brain chemistry between men and women - and the very real problem that a Martian and a Venusian living in the same house together need different diets in order to feed their different brains, so that their brains make the right hormones that keep them feeling happy. If your wife is depressed, I think it would be very helpful if you looked over this book to see if there is something in there that you think might be helpful to her - and you. I got the idea for taking the essential oils every morning from him, and drinking lemon juice first thing, followed by a small teaspoon of honey to give the brain glucose to help it wake up

Sounds like something that would be valuable. I think I may need to build more bookshelves.

- and then there's the "bounce and shake"!
Hmmm, I don't dare comment - I should probably go on....................


You'll have to read the book to find out what that means! And then there was the little section called "Driving to the Bridges of Madison County". That was funny - my sister and I had a great laugh over that one.

You did that on purpose !!!

Ok, you got my attention - how about a little tiny hint? Just a little one? Maybe two?

You are really sounding better - I am so happy when I read good things here. Thank you for doing all that hard work, for facing your fears, and for taking your troubles to God for help. Thank you for your good example. Time will be short for you as your trip departure date gets closer, take care of your family, and especially your H.

All the best -

SS

Have a nice trip, enjoy your mothers company.

Remember your childhood. Smell the ocean.

We can't re-live the past, but we can actually improve upon it. You can make the future better for your children than your own was.

You have the talent, you have the tools, and most important, you have the desire.

Courage IS doing what you know is right, even though you fear. You have courage.

Have a nice trip.

SS

Hello everyone!

ss - somehow I missed your last 2 posts! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Don't know how I managed that - I don't search by my member no., but from now on, I'm going to!

I had a great time! Mom is looking quite good, although I can tell she has been through a lot - I'll just say that I feel she will be around for some time yet - she has a beautiful, positive spirit, even though her body is weakening. We had a great birthday party - her special friends came, which she wasn't expecting, and my sister made a beautiful album for her - she had asked everyone to write a letter to my mom, including their memories of her and an appreciation of her in their lives, and to provide any pictures they would like to go into the album - it was a beautiful idea and was wonderful for all of us to see.

Another wonderful thing is that my dad is sober - 9 months now, and he is in a 12-step program. The first thing he said to me was that he wants to make amends to everyone he has hurt, and he apologized to me for the way his temper must have affected me as I grew up. THAT really surprised me and convinced me - for the first time in our lives - that he is really in recovery. At my mom's party, he showed no desire to drink, and never once complained or made any sarcastic comments that he was "being a good boy", or showed any resentment about not being able to drink. At one point, he was sitting talking with my mom and her friends and he suddenly came out with "I've been thinking a lot about the past lately, and when I think of some of the things I did to you *mom*, I just want to shoot myself!" WOW! Well, at 78, it's never too late to grow, is it.

For me, I felt like a spent the whole week lying on a beach - unwinding emotionally surrounded by my wonderful family.

When I got back yesterday, H met us at the airport and cooked us a nice dinner when we got home - and seems genuinely glad to have us home - even me, not just YS.

Also - doctors appt for YS went great - she said he does not have Tourette's syndrome because he would have to have vocalization tics persistent for more than a year. What he has is Simple Motor Tic Disorder, which she says is common in boys and they mostly grow out of it by age 12-13. YS says HE feels a lot better knowing there is nothing serious about his head-shaking. She gave me a prescription for a medication, which it is my choice to give him, only if his tics become painful to YS, or interfere with his life. But I am not keen to give him any medication and at this point, I certainly don't think he needs it.

So - great trip - I've gotta go because I am at work, but will get back to you later.

Ciao for now!
LIR

I am happy for your mother, your father, and YS. I am happy that your H has you back. It sounds like he really does have YOU back. It also sounds like you have HIM back.

What a happy positive post. I don't have reservations about this one as I have had with others you have done - this one doesn't seem to have reservations or limitations buried in it.

On a scale from 1 to 10 - ten being fully recovered, where would you say you are now?

Thank you for the good news, the people here that care about you are very glad to hear it.

(later edit)
Oh, yes - W says thankyou for the book info, she will try and find it and read more. I asked her if she wanted to come talk to you but she declined. She likes to talk, but not type.
She seems to be doing a little better now and think part of it is having a more fixed schedule. Routine seems to be helpful to her.

I like it when you sound so happy. Keep it up.

SS

<small>[ February 26, 2004, 10:55 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Please tell me what your focus is right now - that is,when you don't HAVE to think about something, what do you think about?

I realize it will be many things, but is there one thing you spend a great deal of time on?

SS

<small>[ March 03, 2004, 03:02 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by still seeking:
<strong> Please tell me what your focus is right now - that is,when you don't HAVE to think about something, what do you think about?

I realize it will be many things, but is there one thing you spend a great deal of time on?

SS </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now that is a GOOD question! I don't know what to say - I've been trying to think so hard, my brain hurts
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Well - there is never a time which I have to spend thinking, which isn't take time away from something else I could be doing - so I guess this points to the fact that if I want time to think...I need to schedule it...if I want time just to think, I need to make time for myself...I'm not good at this. I look at the pile of laundry which is still undone and "my time" just disappears...this is a big problems for me...and I'm sure the cause of some of my resentment...the usual "busy mom, busy wife" problem....but, I realize, up to me to find a solution for...

Right now, I'm feeling...all here and there....

My mom is not doing too well....although the week I spent there was great for all of us, my first impression, you know, in those first few minutes when you clap eyes on someone you haven't seen for a long time...was that there was something inside her, burning her up from the inside...the cancer wasting her away at work...but as I stayed there a few days, I didn't notice that so much....just enjoyed her company...I did notice that she hardly ate anything - just a teaspoon of a bit of this and a bit of that on her plate, and she rested several times a day...the day before I left, I went to say goodnight to her, and caught her throwing up...she said that the medicine she took before bed upsets her stomach...my intuition said otherwise...

Yesterday, my sister called - my mom has admitted to feeling increasingly nauseous and is now feeling quite ill every day...doctor's appt Friday, doctor examined her abdomen and said he thought her liver felt enlarged, so she is going to have a CT scan tomorrow (Monday). My sister and I are preparing ourselves for the worst - like my sister said, if it isn't the worst, then we can feel relieved....but I think you all know what I'm saying...

I'm trying to figure out when I can go back and take OS with me - maybe next month, during Easter break...

Its hard to say what my emotions are...part of me is just totally numb...I DO notice that I don't feel much these days....its not that life is a struggle or that I'm having a hard time getting out of bed or anything, its that I'm not excited about my own life anymore...I more or less don't see a wide-open vista ahead of me at this point...whether that's because I'm going through my own MLC at 46, or because of the problems with H, or part of just plain old maturing, or whether its a coping mechanism, I don't know...all I can say is that I notice it...I don't even feel pessimistic, maybe its just the helplessness and resignation I feel in the face of what I know is coming.

Part of me feels stressed - I am supposed to be writing the Introduction to a catalogue of historical music in an archive collection - we have a progress report meeting tomorrow, and I have done nothing since our last meeting in December. I do not have the time to put into this research right now - I simply have no time to spare - I will be able to do more starting in September, once YS starts into boarding school and I have no children at home during the week, but not now...so I'm feeling stressed by having that hanging over my head...

H has been really good. I'm not sure what's happening with him...because of our trust issue - i.e. his privacy issue, and us still not sharing e-mail passwords, I still can't "check" to see if he is lying to me. But I don't think he is...his behaviour has been loving and kind, which feels so different...I mean, it has been a few years here now where he has been the typical WS, with all that miserable resentment and justification...but he is a little different now...

I mean, he is now saying ILY, unsolicited...just since I've been back. We had a row the night before I left to go to CA, and just hugged each other and said "I'm sorry" at the bus station before I left...maybe him being on his own for 10 days had an impact....he's gone this weekend on a business trip, and he called and left a message on the answer machine the day he left, from the airport..."I'm just calling to say...I love you...and I hope you have a good day...etc." I couldn't believe my ears!! He sounded so sincere! And I'm not used to him saying that! I've talked to him on the phone and he's been very caring, about the news about my mum...what's happening? Is my H becoming a human being again? He has been so NOT THERE for me these last three years, through my brother's death, and then my SIL's death, that I don't know what to think...I'm not expecting him to "be there" for me through my mom's final illness, however long that takes..I am used to coping alone.

Hmmm...just some thoughts...

What would I really like to be able to think about if I could think about anything on my own? I guess it would be creative writing...I'd like to find the time to explore my writing talent....I also want to pursue two areas of interest...I want to pursue the MA in Librarianship, and a degree in horticulture...both....somehow, though, Mom comes first right now, although she would not want me to put anything off, especially not on her account...

Juggling, juggling...

Just trying to update as best I can...thanks for reading...

ss...I'm glad your wife is feeling a little better...I have been praying for her...I find having a routine for getting out of bed in the morning, and having routines throughout the day is the thing that helps me most...I learned some of that from Flylady.net - I wonder if your wife has seen this website...it's a great one...

take care,
LIR

Hi LIR,

I went to the flylady.net site and it may help me to get motivated again to declutter.

Years ago, when my kids were little, I set up the Side Tracked Home Exec. index card file system. I stuck with it for a little while until I kept moving to many cards to the back because I wasn't getting to them. I also saw the video and read Don Aslett's 'Clutter's Last Stand'.

I have a real problem dealing with papers in my home and office. I hate to file or throw away. But I realize I have some psychological problem that I need to overcome to fix this in me. Maybe this flylady.net can help. I read some there for a few minutes. I read one suggestion to go around your house and pick 27 things to through away and then 27 things to give a way. So far, I have a hard just thinking of doing that.

My clutter and lack of great housekeeping habits is one of the justifications my H used while in his A's. I don't like that it all falls on me to deal with it. I wish I could afford a personal secretary or maid to pick up after me but I can't.
When I start to try to tackle the piles I am easily sidetracked. I have put papers in boxes a few times, waited months, gone back through them and still would find stuff I didn't want to throw away. Some stuff has some irrational interest to me.

The main problem areas are my home office and work office. The next worse area is our bedroom. My excuse in the bedroom is that I don't have the space..but really I need to change my habits of leaving clothes piled on my chair instead of sorting them putting them where they should be.

I really do feel better when my house is clean and organized. It has just been hard to be consistent. I had excuses when I was a stay at home mom and now I have excuses because I'm at work all week.

Thanks for the tip. We'll see if I can allow it to help me.
Lucy

<small>[ March 07, 2004, 11:46 AM: Message edited by: 4give ]</small>