But that woke him up, because then stuff happened...finally. Afterwards, I told him that I was lonely and that I needed to have SF in order to feel close to him. "Thank heaven's for that." was his response.

He is afraid of you.

He is afraid of rejection. You did well to say what you did. There may be something else that I can't see, but I know this is the main problem. I believe he really wants you. Not sure if I ought to tell you the cure (or at least one of them,) but there is AT LEAST one easy one in this case. It would mean that within a few months he might not leave you alone. I am talking about something simple you could do.

It would be better to take the long route and have him learn about meeting emotional needs, then have him practice meeting yours for about two years, then have you both be so attracted to each other because of that, that you would want each other far more often. That's the route we have gone, and I kind of like it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Just wish I had not been so stupid for so long.

I can't believe I missed commenting on this ( No SF for months) before. Was going to, and I totally spaced it.

You have really outed a lot of feelings. I can tell you that other men will always be attracted to you - If you want the reasons for my saying this, I would be glad to share them. (perhaps it would be good for you to hear them in any case.) Please don't play the "what might have been" game. It never gets a person anywhere. You know there are no such things as soul mates, and I believe you know that it would be possible for us to be happy with many people other than who we married. Remember that each person also comes with their own faults. Sometimes it seems as though another set of faults would be easier to live with than the ones our spouse has, but mostly we don't find out about them until we are married, and we just have to learn to be happy anyway.

I will come back when I can get more time. I have been sorting out these thoughts about you for a couple of weeks - or longer.

I think you worry too much about personal failure. Sure it's possible, we could all fail big time, but in your case, I just don't think so.

Life is very hectic at our house right now. Work, and I have a camping trip going out Friday night with the older scouts I am in charge of. It is not really too hard to do by now, but it all takes time, and I tend to be a detail person that can't stand for anything to go wrong.

LIR, hold up your head, be of good cheer. You are being refined, and it looks good on you. Turns out you are not dross, but are very precious, and of great worth.

I have work deadlines, and must go.

SS

<small>[ April 29, 2004, 05:46 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

I came to post, but find I need to go for a work problem.

Will come back - honest.

SS

I'm here - but Mom is starting to have a hard time of it, and YS has had to be home from school, so I haven't had any time to post.

I've been thinking about your reply. Makes a lot of sense. I'll try to remember that.

H is fine - very kind and affectionate - has some time to relax now and wants to watch movies with me.

Gotta go - maybe will have time tomorrow.

Bye for now.
LIR

After all the thinking, and all the praying, and still more thinking, there comes a time when you just have to stop thinking about it, and write it down.

You know I have no training , and you know I don't know everything. I have never had a problem saying what I think - though I try to put my thoughts into terms that show care, and love - because people respond better when they know the helper cares about them. That is in keeping with my beliefs too - helping others. You should know that the help here goes both ways - I have learned a great deal.

You understand background - we have discussed it before. I added that part (above) in because I am kind of going out on a limb with parts of this one. There are many things I don't understand about what happens inside the human mind, but I will comment on what I think - and you can judge if any of it has value for you.


I guess I just have so much going on inside, its really hard to think straight sometimes, but yes, I do feel "strong" - ever since I came back, I've had a lot of "good" days...also, I am able to talk a lot about Mom, about her state of mind, about her problems of denial, passivity, victimhood, etc - with my sister...you are right when you say my mom "passed on" a lot of stuff to do with my parents divorce onto my sister and I, and we are both trying to work through this right now...

We rarely look inside without some kind of "event" that prompts us to do so. You can see from reading on MB where many begin their revelation with "I thought we had a good marriage" or " I knew we had problems but I never dreamed this would happen." Men especially seem clueless - and my apologies to those of you who are not, it's not you, but everyone else I am speaking of. I seem to be clueless much of the time myself.

I have no idea what kinds of things you and your sister talk about, but since you are one of the two in conversation - I believe progress will be made. My parents have been together for 52 years, but my W's parents D'd when she (W) was 17. We were married when she was 19, and I was 21. There was, and still is a lot left over from that event (D) that she (my W) has to cope with. We have been married 27 years and she still judges some of my actions in light of her fathers behavior from nearly 30 years ago. Events of our youth seem somehow imprinted on our soul - they are always with us. I can see why the Savior said that it would be better to have a millstone hung around your neck and be drowned in the sea than to harm one of his "little ones."
I wonder what you believe affected you most - and how it plays out in your every day life, but there is enough going on in this post already and I haven't thought about that enough to comment.
I sometimes see fears in you that I believe come from that time in your life. I believe you do the same as my W, and project on to your H some of the traits of your father. You have good reason to fear - events of your marriage have proven that, but I do worry that sometimes you may be reacting to those feelings of fear, and not what H is actually doing. His "thank goodness for that" comment helps me understand he wants to be closer than the two of you have been. I am getting where I am willing to talk about things much more, and nearly always things are not as bad as I think - and often it is my not understanding her feelings that causes the problem ( but I am a guy, so it should be my fault shouldn't it?)
I know you fear being vulnerable - and that is with good reason too. Your H was less than kind to you for a long time. I could put that in more accurate terms, but if you can understand my understatement was on purpose then you would probably want me to leave that alone and in the past. You need to plan for the future, and live in the present and that means doing whatever will best make things better for the long term. I believe it its time to begin exploring things with your H again, and see if you can help the rate of improvement.

Yes, I am also in "self-protection" mode - sometimes I just manage to push all the sad feelings away so that I don't have to feel them every day - that's what's happening, I guess, but when the sad feelings come, I roll with them, too - I don't feel overwhelmed (yet).

I reflect on all you have been through and I have to say you are doing well - you really are. Can you understand that? Do you know it? Much of what I have said to you has been to help you know just how well you really are doing, and have done. That, and to encourage you to continue and not think you are getting nowhere. When you look at the important things, the eternal perspective, you are on track.


"As much as you know, and with all your talent, and intelligence, I would expect you to believe you could be happy in this life."

Yeah, I know, I wonder about this, too - I don't want to be a "negative" person, who dwells on all the sad things that have happened, or all the tough times - I guess what I'm saying is that I don't really trust - now that's my own personal problem - maybe I am still looking for happiness - I don't expect it to be "given" to me, I expect that it is me who has to find what makes me really happy...I guess I'm saying I am insecure...most probably because when I was a kid, the rug was whipped so forcefully out from under our home life, and because I was used by people I trusted...I don't know...still pondering this one...but feeling more hopeful for the future lately....

I have always felt good about your future. I worried about your H, and I worried what the stress would do to your health, but I always had faith you would do well. I think if we can get you a few more pieces of the puzzle, you will see where the happiness part is on the big picture of the puzzle of your life.


"LIR, can you tell me - how important are you to God? Can you put your feelings about that into words?"

Well, I believe that God really loves me, even when, if bad things do happen to me. What Jesus said about not a sparrow falling, but the eye of God does not see. I feel His love sometimes - I believe he has been with me through all the bad times., even if I didn't feel it.

I keep hoping you will feel it more. I was going to quote that sparrow part, but you already know it, and I believe you will also know this next one. He spoke of fathers giving to their children when asked - how they would not give a stone if asked for bread, or a snake if asked for fish. It is hard to trust when your own father betrayed you on such a large scale, but the father Jesus speaks of doesn't make mistakes. Please ask for what you need - and trust that you will be given.

This is all I can type today - and I don't feel like I said much so far. I am glad you are coping and I am glad you can keep the sad away. I realize your mother may go at any time, please accept these lines of care and concern since we won't be there when you get the news. From our family to yours - we care about you.

SS

I put some thoughts on hold along the same lines - you have plenty to think about.

I remind you again that H doesn't think like you do, so please tell him what you want, and need, so he can better help you. (I say this too much, don't I.)

This will be a diffidult journey, but you will be fine when it's over. You do know that, don't you?

Remeber, it's not goodbye, it's "see you later."

SS

<small>[ May 25, 2004, 06:29 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Hi ss -

This is my last "check-in" before I go - just wanted to say thank you for checking up on me. I am so glad H is going with me, and yes, I do need reminding that I need to tell him plainly what I need from him. Sometimes he gets it, sometimes he doesn't, but his heart is really in the right place over this, and I know he loves me. He has been great.

I've been pretty much OK, although sometimes I think I am holding it all at bay - because I am at a distance, its not really real for me yet - I may fall apart a little when I see my sister at the airport.

And yes, it isn't goodbye, it really is "see you later". I got that loud and clear from my mom on the Sunday before she died - I don't think I've had a chance to write that, but I will.

Gotta go now,

All the best to your family and your wife - I hope she is well.

LIR