star*fish,

Speaking fog? No I haven't heard about how to do it. I will post to Orchid and ask for instructions. Not, mind you, that I can use them, since we are in Plan B. All the same would be nice to know.

Venezuela to Houston? That's quite a move! Wish I didn't sleep much. Wow, what I could get done!

Just wanted to stop by and update everyone. There has been no communication between my H and me since I sent him the PBL last Monday night.

I have prayed for peace and my prayers have been answered. The last time I did Plan B, I must admit that I totally obsessed over my H every single moment of every single day. I waited for the phone call from him, the email from him, saying that he was ready to recommit to our M and give up the OW. It was a terribly lonely time, and the 6 weeks that it lasted seemed like 6 months.

This time I have forced myself, as all MB folks preach, to concentrate on me, not on him and not on our M. I have done that and believe I am succeeding. I think of other things now besides the A and my pain. I am taking good care of myself and praying that God will protect the love I have for my H, lock it away in a special part of my heart, waiting for the opportunity to feel it and use it again.

I realize now that when my H returned home last time (false reconciliation), that the fog had only started to lift. He made one semi-negative comment about the OW, but I now know that there was still sufficient fog surrounding him that he couldn't stay away. The addiction was far too strong for him to deny it. So he moved out again, and is back to seeing her on weekends.

I have also been more open with regard to telling people we are separated. Keeping that hidden in the past was a terrible burden. Truth is very liberating.

Hi isgirl,

I've made alot a moves....this has actually been one of the easier ones. My H is in the oil business so we have lived all over the world. If it sounds romantic....forget it! LOL

I'm glad to see that you are concentrating on yourself. This time Plan B will have to be a bit stronger and more defined when it comes to returning home. You can't emotionally keep doing this. Withdrawal is a tricky time, and it's not unusual for a set back. We're with ya!

IsGirl,
I hear you. I still tend to be in the obsessing mode more than I'd like. It's been about 6 weeks of Plan B for me. I know WH is far from ending his A and may never, but I still find myself thinking about the call that doesn't come, the statement of his love for me that doesn't come, his change of attitude in general that doesn't come...
He just picked up the 2 youngest kids for a day long visit, I stayed out of sight, but I did sneak a peak of them getting into the car....I still love him so much and don't want to believe that he no longer loves me!! I'm going to try to keep busy today while they are gone and not think about "everything". I hate this.
But we can do it, we have to, we have a lot of living to do! Right?

Star*fish,

No, moving all over the world doesn't sound appealing to me. How long do you usually stay in one place?

I have no doubt that withdrawal is difficult for the WS. What I wonder, though, is how they can take that step to end the A...what has to happen in their minds, their emotions. Cerri has said that my H is in a painful place right now, and unfortunately that the only way to get out of that place is to endure more pain (just like any other addiction, I guess). What will motivate a WS to go thru the pain of leaving the OP? My H, I believe, doesn't want to do that at all now. When he re-contacted the OW, he said they met for lunch, and that he wanted to see her because he "felt bad for the way he had ended it." and that he wanted to thank her because she had respected his wishes for NC. How twisted is that? I would love to know what "triggers" the desire to return to the M.

Shugah,

You bet we can do it. I don't really know what it was that got me there this time. Perhaps I just refused to sit and pine away any longer. I know I am a strong person, but the last time we were in Plan B, I was just missing him and wanting him back...period. Now, after a false reconciliation, I realize I do NOT want him back unless he is ready, willing and able to be the H he should be and that he used to be. I have no interest in living with the man he is right now. He has some healing to do first. He must put aside the feelings of the OW, and concentrate on our feelings.

Shugah, I don't know your story, but I will go and look at your posts. Keep smiling!

Isgirl,

One thing that the BS forgets....because they never see it! is that that the reason he came home is that the withdrawal for YOU was awful too. All you ever see is his withdrawal from the OW. Don't forget, it goes both ways.

Ooooooh, Star*fish,

How wise you are! Of course, it works both ways; thus the fence-sitting.

Have a happy Saturday evening. I am leaving MB for the day. I find too much of this can be depressing. I think maybe a nice bubble bath, do my toenails, and a movie (don't forget the popcorn!).

IsGirl,
I've been here awhile, new identity though, you've posted on my threads before. Mimi, knows me, she figured it out from my post on her thread. I don't want to be too obvious. Check it out.

Shugah,

OK, now I understand. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I too may end up taking on a new identity, not right now, but perhaps if my WH starts lurking and posting again. He did the last time and posted very little, just lurked. Of course, since we were in Plan B, it struck me as odd, no, wrong! - for him to know my feelings and read my posts. So I kind of withdrew from the forum. Right now, I think he is focusing on the "euphoria of the reuinion" and the "honeymoon" of their getting back together (Mimi's words, I think), so this board is probably the last place he cares to be.

Does your H read what's going on here?

Anyway, I am glad you made it to Plan B. Good for you! And I sincerely hope it makes your WH finally get it together.

We Plan B'ers need to stick together...give each other the encouragement we desperately need.

Keep me updated on how things are going with you.

ISG

A really bad night.

My H left his PDA here at the house (he's working from home until his co. approves his relocation--also known as separation). Did I look? Oh, yeah!

Discovered: he has established an email account with a different ISP than his "regular" account (to which he gave me total access...per MB extraordinary precautions <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ).

Found emails from her -- full of love, love, love.

But the worst: found email from OW outlining details of a planned trip for the two of them. And it is months away. Apparently, he isn't doing much "work" on our marriage (part of his "excuse" for moving out and separating).

Guys, this is killing me. How much more of this can one person handle? Is he trying to force my hand? Do you think he deliberately left the PDA for me to find? I honestly do not know what is happening. My life is so screwed up.

Welcome all your input..Star*fish, are you there? Mortarman, Coffeeman, Orchid, Pepper???

God, this is so painful.

Oh, yeah, I probably should not have "looked" at the PDA since we are in Plan B, but . . .

ISGirl,

You know, maybe your gut question, "I wonder if he left it on purpose" is correct. Then again maybe it isn't.

Let's assume it is... He's trying to provoke a response from you if that's the case... trying to elicit something - anything - that he can pin some justification for his actions on. DO NOT GIVE IT TO HIM!!

If we assume it was an honest mistake, it tells you he's in the fog - you already knew that. So it's meaningless in many ways. I know it doesn't feel that way, trust me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

There have been plenty of other A's out there where the WS has plans with OP far in the future. Many times they never happen. Let him live out his "dream" here for a bit - that's part of Plan B - let reality be reality. The best way to deal with it I've found is to forget that you're married, with the exception of dating. Just let him be him. If it's meant to be, it'll be. When you get to the end, you'll know both in head and heart.

By standing above the fray, not lowering yourself to his level, acting proud, self-respecting, you will earn points one way or another. If you eventually reconcile, it will be that image of you standing so clearly above OW that will be needed. If you don't, he will always have to compare you to her, and will always know who was the "better" one in the "heat of battle".

(In short, I guess I'm saying, "don't let yourself get sucked in")

The whole idea of Plan B is to protect you from this kind of stuff. They are going to kiss, they are going to hug, they are going to write love letters, but you don't have to watch it.

ISgirl, I just read your earlier posts on this thread. My H sounds EXACTLY the same. Doesn't know what he feels. Doesn't have any emotional needs that he knows of. Doesn't want anything. Lots of single-word responses.

I think that emotional hole is what the A is about filling...my own theory. Novelty replaces a real emotional life.

<small>[ August 07, 2003, 11:18 PM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>

Thanks, J.R. and A.M. Appreciate your trying to pick me up.

J.R. Read your sig. Really separated for over a year now? You have no kids, how are you holding on for so long while there is continued contact? I look at folks like you who have been in it for so long and wonder how... While I admire your strength, your perseverence, I do not know how I could deal with this for that length of time. You have limited contact with your W, so you're pretty much in Plan B. Amazing!

A.M. I'm sorry you have the same issues with your H that I do. It is so frustrating to be told you aren't meeting his needs, but being given no direction as to how you can do a better job. I will have to go and read your story.

Get this: in the email from the OW, she talks about meeting the family. So she is going to introduce my married H to her family! What kind of woman... What kind of family...

OK, let me pose this to you. We're in Plan B. I understand Plan B is for the protection of the BS. But, you remove the BS, from whom the WS has been receiving little or no EN fulfillment. You expose the WS to the OP, who, knowing the WS is now in no contact with the BS, takes full advantage and makes his/her "move" - the business plan goes into full overdrive. Sell, sell, sell. Get the WS to buy into the benefits of life with the OP. There is no pressure from the BS, s/he is out of the picture for now. Seems to me that this could be a recipe for happiness with the OP. Yeah, I know that eventually the "warts" of the OP are supposed to show up, but what if they are really good at their selling job?

IS:

Remember that the OW is a sleaze, trash, a woman who enjoys being in a relationship based on deceit and dishonesty. She does not know how to do a good selling job. She knows how to hurt and manipulate. With you out of the picture, she will stop putting on the show. She will show her true self. That's what my WH has said and I have heard it from others here. My WH said: "I've learned that she is like any other woman". The OW starts to feel comfortable and shows her true self.

My WS has met the OW's family, gone on trips with her, professed his love for her. It's my understanding that they all do this. They are in a fog, IS. They have been abducted by aliens. They are living in an alien world. They have to stay in that mess until they wake up. Hopefully you will still be around waiting for him. It is you that offers him sanity and hope for a better life. He will learn soon enough that his life with her is not worth crap. However, he will have to become involved in his life with her to learn that.

I didn't believe it either but it is best for us to become involved in our own lives. Think about it this way, if you are get yourself fully together, you will be in a better position to help him when his life starts falling apart after being in that crazy world with the OW. It's about developing confidence in ourselves that we are the best thing that they had going. Losing us will be a tragedy for them, not the other way around.

I think your WS gets over this honeymoon period things will start to change. Unfortunately, you have to give it time. Worth a Try who is not here anymore used to remind me all the time early this year, TIME IS ON YOUR SIDE!!!! Let them play the A out until it fizzles.

Take Care!! I just know oh so well how you feel, IS Girl. Remember my WS left me and went back to the OW after a false reconciliation of 3 weeks. Now he's trying to come back again, I think. Sometimes lately I'm not even sure that I want him to come back, scared about going through the false reconciliation again.

I'll be checking on you this weekend and of course praying for you. I don't know how religious you are but it helped me to put it in God's hands, knowing that HE would work it out for me somehow.

Hi Everyone,

Mimi, as always, thanks. It has been a fascinating journey to watch you change "sides"...to move from dependent to independent. As a result, I have so much respect for the person you have become.

I am still not certain how to become "fully together" myself, but I know deep down I am strong. I just hate the thought of being alone, even tho' I was alone, single Mom, raising my S for 14 years.

Tonight was tough. I went to a Happy Hour get-together of about 10 couples, of which my H and I were a normal part of the "group." As I arrived, solo, I could see everyone starting to ask where my H was (usually he has been traveling or I have covered for him during our separation). I addressed the group: "I only want to say this one time: H and I are separated and it doesn't look good." They were shocked into silence. Later, comments one-on-one: "I thought you were the most devoted couple I ever saw," and similar comments. Plenty of support, but I fought (and lost, several times) the tears all night. The dinner part was tough, but I have semi-close folks in about 50% of the group, so that was helpful.

But all in all, it was a tough night. I had to answer questions like: will you stay in town? And listen to comments: "He is out of his mind." "The man is crazy to leave someone like you." Yes, it made me feel better...and worse.

But..another hurdle.

IS:

I don't have much time but want to let you know that you are AMAZING! You have so much COURAGE!

You complimented me on my independence? I never could have gone to a couples' event like you did. I don't think I ever will. It was early for you to be able to accomplish such a feat. You are still so raw and hurting.

Will check back with you later.

Isgirl, and all of you other brave souls...please help my friend lulu....she is devastated by the events of the past two weeks. She is counseling with penny and has just moved to Plan B. If you can offer advice...it would be greatly appreciated. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Mimi,

Thanks for your belief in my courage, but it was terribly hard. Yes, I was the only single there, but one of the couples is one I had confided my story to about 2 months ago, so at least I had a lifeline.

Early? Maybe, but you know what? After a year of keeping the separations, the lies, the loneliness, all of it, under wraps, essentially protecting him and enabling the continuation of the A, I was OVER IT! I needed to cross that hurdle and come clean about the separation (not about the A though).

One of the gals came up to me and invited me to a country western evening coming up next Saturday night. Her H doesn't dance at all, and much of it will be line dancing, so she encouraged me to join the "group." What a wonderful, kind, open thing to do. I will probably do it.

Star*fish...will do.

Happy Sunday Morning, Plan B'ers!

What a crappy weekend! Rain, rain, rain, thunderstorms from Friday nite through today. Getting bored with TV. It seems like night all day, it is so dark. Yuck!

Yesterday I did a funny thing. I put the coffee maker away. Why funny? Well, I might drink coffee at home - maybe - twice a year, if that, but my H usually drank it every morning. Well, I was tired of it sitting on the counter, the time flashing because of recent power surges, so I put it away! Have not decided yet what will take its place; it occupied a corner area that now looks quite naked, but possibly something decorative. Anyway, it was kind of symbolic, a move that he isn't living here now, that he has chosen to live elsewhere and to have an A. A strange, but again, symbolic, move.

H's brothers have tried to reach out to him and as far as I know, he is ignoring them, probably hiding from admitting what he is doing, although I have already made it very clear to each of them. I am sure that if/when he makes contact with them, he will assure them he is in love with this woman and it is the best thing that ever happened to him. My fear, now, at that point, is that they will encourage him to pursue a divorce. That may be all he needs to hear to move forward with it. We shall see. But if he still has feelings for me, he may stall.

Know what? This Plan B timeframe seems so much longer and more serious (deadly serious as in the end of the M) than the last one. H moved out on 7/17, and I initiated Plan B on 7/28. Last time, I kind of felt like he was "playing" in the OW's playground. This time, I feel like they are planning their future. Otherwise, why would she be taking him on a trip, included in which are plans to spend time with her "family?"

My H has spent so much time and effort, while still at home with me, reading, reading, reading. He has read SAA, Surviving Infidelity, Private Lies, and Torn Asunder. In each book, he highlighted lots of sections about "why" the affair happened, what is in a person's background that causes him/her to behave in such a fashion. For example: "If Dad is absent or chooses to stay out of the caretaking picture, the little boy begins to formulate unconscious thoughts that all basic needs in life are met by women. That bears fruit later in life." or "Participants in affairs often have a great need to regain a sense of control over their personal lives...outwardly they may seem successful, but inwardly there is the gnawing sense that they are out of balance." He studied so much, books, books, books. Yet never applied anything he read. Or maybe he is applying it, but with her. He also started reading the Bible, and we counseled with Jennifer. I guess he was just looking for answers, and never found any good enough to take the place of the OW, or found the answers but decided the work was too hard.

Anyway, there I am rambling. Gotta go get ready for church. It's pouring out, but I really need to go.

Later...

ISG

The title to this caught my attention...I am currently in a second (or third)attempt at Plan B-failed previously because I truly miss my H's friendship and hate not having that part to our R above all else. There is no OW in my case, he left a year ago due to his own cowardly way of dealing with guilt-not being able to face me any more blah blah blah, since then he has had my friendship and understanding(most times), we had one attempt at reconciliation, that failed because he got still doesn't have "peace" with what he did, any way he has his own thread under Just Found Out/zachsdad which sort of explains it...
End result is that he kept sitting on the fence, he doesn't want a D, but cannot commit to working on our M until he can deal with HIM first, he feels his guilt starts with him then work on us, and I have truly gotten tired of hearing that... So about a month ago I implemented plan B, falling off a couple times but not to the degree of our R before...This time I re-implemented it with an e-mail on Friday(during this past month when I "fell off", it was slight but still enough), and he called me that day and said "I want to talk about the e-mail this weekend", I said sure, but of course it is Sunday and no-call...My first thought is to call him and say, don't say things you don't mean, but I will hang in there and tomorrow when I see him at work and he appears all apologetic, I will politely say "If this conversation doesn't have anything to do with Zach, then have a good day" and leave....His actions spoke louder than his words again...But crap--it is so hard to just walk away!!!!

Any way...I am glad for this thread, I need to see some people feel comfort with Plan B even though they truly love their H and see how they are getting along...Will keep looking..
D